Is it a mistake to ask my ex to get back

[Wakeup]

Actually I really have no idea why he has threatened me, because when it's happened doesn't correlate to when I interact with her or anything. I believe he does it just to hurt her, cuz afew times his threats have gotten serious and it started because they were fighting, and about anything that relates to me. I mean he actually stormed out of their place and came and drove around my apartment complex looking for my (which he didn't find) when I hadn't even talked to her in weeks. Honestly there's other crazy stuff he's done and even if me and her are finished for good I hope they still split.

He is acting like a typical person who is feeling threatened and insecure in his relationship and because he can't control what she does (which is talk to you and continue to be bonded to you (rather that close the door on you, be indifferent to you and bond with him) so he takes it out on who she keeps interacting with. Surely you realize that you two continuing on the way you are that he would feel threatened. It doesn't matter if his threats occur when you've been inappropriately interacting with his woman.

"It happened when they were fighting and anything that relates to me." That says it all.

Honestly there's other crazy stuff he's done and even if me and her are finished for good I hope they still split.

Maybe you should end your 'I'd like to reconcile with you, call me when you've broken up with your boyfriend' conversation with something that line I've quoted?

[searock]

Something similar happened to a friend of mine. He liked this girl who was taken, but she kissed my friend and cheated on her bf one night, and after that they began an affair. During the whole time the bf knew what was going on but he was too weak to do anything about it, so he kept contacting my friend and trying to talk to him to actually be told what exactly was going on and to be reassured in some way (which obviously didn't happen, my friend couldn't care less about him). Needless to say, the girl is crazy insecure - she can't live without at least a guy "next" to her.

I repeat - you should tell her that you are willing to try again, IF she breaks up with him. End of. I wouldn't be too worried about the guy, personally I think it's just something you use an an excuse to *not* give her an ultimatum and get over it one way or the other.

[haxan]

So, she's still in love with you, but the only thing holding her back is so she can continue to enable a man with nothing? B/S

umm pretty sure that's not what I said. I'm not sure she wants to get back together or not. I never said she won't be with me because she wants to enable him. I think she wants to get back with me but she's dating him, I just feel like their relationship is over just still dating for now cuz she doesn't wanna kick him out.

Well, you just said it again.

[Drew91]

Well, you just said it again.

You said: that the whole thing is that she wants me but won't be with me soley because she wants to support him.
I'm saying: I haven't talked to her about whether she really has intrest or not but I think she does. And Im saying that the fact she's in a relationship isn't a big factor because it's degenerated to the point that they're still together only cuz she doesn't want to throw him out.

There really is a difference in those statements

[Wakeup]

And Im saying that the fact she's in a relationship isn't a big factor because it's degenerated to the point that they're still together only cuz she doesn't want to throw him out.

Still, the bottom line is: She is still with him. That means she is NOT with you. Has it ever occurred to you that it's not all that "degenerated" if she remains with him? That maybe she's just making you think that it's degenerated?

I repeat Searock's repeat:

I repeat - you should tell her that you are willing to try again, IF she breaks up with him. End of. I wouldn't be too worried about the guy, personally I think it's just something you use an an excuse to *not* give her an ultimatum and get over it one way or the other.

[Drew91]

Still, the bottom line is: She is still with him. That means she is NOT with you. Has it ever occurred to you that it's not all that "degenerated" if she remains with him? That maybe she's just making you think that it's degenerated?

I repeat Searock's repeat:

no they're relationship is, I know it is and not just based off what she tells me. I'm fully aware that there's a good chance she's trying to manipulate me. But there's been way more than stories from her that make it sound like they're in a terrible relationship that's always about to end.

My problem in all this isn't really about the fact that she's dating him. My issue is more that I can't tell whether she's indicating actual interest or just trying to keep me on the hook for her

[IndiReloaded]

So, she's still in love with you, but the only thing holding her back is so she can continue to enable a man with nothing? B/S

Agree and its a red flag: she should be eating her own poop before telling you she loves you while she's with this other guy. Poor guy. I actually think it took balls to get on the phone the way he did. Imagine the arguments happening in that home right now. But he's not taking it far enough: he just just dump her.

Anyway, this is classic Monkey Theory. Your ex is waiting for a solid branch (i.e. you) to commit to her before she makes the jump. Curious, was it you who broke off w/her?

[Drew91]

Ok well thanks for the input on here, some was really helpful.
Just a note to all the people saying he sounds like a mature guy and giving him credit are wrong. I won't waste time explaining all my reasons here because 1) doesn't matter 2) most people will think I'm just bitter or seeing what I want. But people defending him irritates me because he's a lying criminal who swooped in when she was upset about our breakup and told her what she wanted to hear. After living with her all these months he still hasn't helped her with any bills (which he has GREAT reasons for) convinced her he needed money help with some stuff...actually hid from her the fact he had been in prison 3 years, and has threatened (and attempted) to take off with her car when they fight. And several mutual friends i have with her talk about her not being "allowed" to hangout with them anymore cuz hes convinced shes screwing them. So if you wanna talk about defending him then bother giving a reason as to why because I don't wanna hear a defense of an emotional abuser.

[IndiReloaded]

So he's a jerk and a loser. Remind us why is she with him? Because she's attracted to jerks and losers?

Okay, you really need to have a read of this thread. Its a sticky for a reason. Try not to get defensive when you realize it sounds a lot like you:

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/threads/26633-Description-of-the-Shining-Knight-Syndrome[/url]

[Drew91]

Ok this thread is seriously dead. This has gotten way off from what I wanted. But no real surprise there haha. End of the day it doesn't matter if he's a jerk or the fact that he's done stuff or that she's living with him and talking to me. This was meant to be about if it was a good idea to talk upfront with her about getting back together even though she's seeing someone else. people want to talk about me being obsessed with her and being manipulated...im not obsessed with her putting my life on hold waiting for her and after 4 years I know when she's trying to be manipulative or not. End of the day I know she still has strong feeling for me, only question in my mind is if she values those feelings enough to look passed the issues we broke up over
I know what I'm gonna do now anyway.

[Drew91]

So he's a jerk and a loser. Remind us why is she with him? Because she's attracted to jerks and losers?

Okay, you really need to have a read of this thread. Its a sticky for a reason. Try not to get defensive when you realize it sounds a lot like you:

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/threads/26633-Description-of-the-Shining-Knight-Syndrome[/url]

nothing to get defensive about because this isn't about saving her from him. That only came up to adress people's comments that were putting him up on a pedestal as some great guy. The reason I want to get back with her is because we had 4 great years and then were placed in a really stressful situation and we didn't handle it well and now things have settled down again and I think that minus that stress we could be really happy again. In no knight in shining armor

[haxan]

guy having sex with and getting supported by your ex > ex who has sex with and supports guy > drew

Not a good pecking order is it? It doesn't take much more than a 3rd grader to figure that out, drew. Listen, you seem like a good kid and all, probably just naive and inexperienced. There's a whole world of decent women out there, stop sucking on your thumb waiting for this one to tell you what to do and start looking for one. What you had with her is over, there's no going back to it.

IndiReloaded is right about the white knight syndrome. Your ex has made a shit storm out of her life and wants a security blanket to bail her out. Guess who's 'it'?

I'm not going to poison your thread anymore. You know what the truth is, and what you want to believe, I'll leave it at that. Good luck.

[Drew91]

guy having sex with and getting supported by your ex > ex who has sex with and supports guy > drew

Not a good pecking order is it? It doesn't take much more than a 3rd grader to figure that out, drew. Listen, you seem like a good kid and all, probably just naive and inexperienced. There's a whole world of decent women out there, stop sucking on your thumb waiting for this one to tell you what to do and start looking for one. What you had with her is over, there's no going back to it.

IndiReloaded is right about the white knight syndrome. Your ex has made a shit storm out of her life and wants a security blanket to bail her out. Guess who's 'it'?

I'm not going to poison your thread anymore. You know what the truth is, and what you want to believe, I'll leave it at that. Good luck.

I think you actually said something resonable between your condescending comments.
NOT sitting around waiting on her in any way what so ever. Been doing my own thing for six months and CONSIDERING trying to get back with her, not entirely sold on it at the moment so deffinetely not "sucking my thumb". And for the last time on bailing her out, I'm not looking to bail her out. If I try anything with her again it wouldn't be till she got a lot of her shit in order because I'm not going through all the drama she's involved in right now.


That is all

[IndiReloaded]

On the White Knight thing, so long as you understand and don't buy into it, you'll be fine. But this kind of thing she's doing:

Tonight she texted me a picture of a love letter I had written her and asked if I still felt that way.

Is using you as her emotional tampon. It won't help her ditch this guy any sooner. Basically, if you feed her 'feel good' feelings right now, its like giving her pain killers that will prolong the time she stays with this ass. Your support will shield her from taking a hard look at the nasty feelings this guy is making her feel. She needs to take a hard look at them and decide to do something about it, not hide or numb out from it. It may sound counterintuitive, but its not if you think about it. In a way, avoiding the WKnight syndrome is *really* saving her (tho she may not appreciate it). Imagine if she stays w/this guy and then gets pregnant. Then she'll really be screwed.

But is it wrong/bad idea to try anything while she's living with another man? I'm really torn

Its not wrong/bad, but more a question of how much drama you want to tolerate. And for what? Its not like you're even getting to sleep with this gal (and eww, why would you?) When she does breakup with this guy, make sure she gets tested for STDs. Who knows what this asshole has given her (and yes, she still sleeps with him at least on occasion don't fool yourself about this).

[Drew91]

Is using you as her emotional tampon. It won't help her ditch this guy any sooner. Basically, if you feed her 'feel good' feelings right now, its like giving her pain killers that will prolong the time she stays with this ass. Your support will shield her from taking a hard look at the nasty feelings this guy is making her feel. She needs to take a hard look at them and decide to do something about it, not hide or numb out from it. It may sound counterintuitive, but its not if you think about it. In a way, avoiding the WKnight syndrome is *really* saving her (tho she may not appreciate it). Imagine if she stays w/this guy and then gets pregnant. Then she'll really be screwed.



Its not wrong/bad, but more a question of how much drama you want to tolerate. And for what? Its not like you're even getting to sleep with this gal (and eww, why would you?) When she does breakup with this guy, make sure she gets tested for STDs. Who knows what this asshole has given her (and yes, she still sleeps with him at least on occasion don't fool yourself about this).

yea I totally get all that. And no I'm not fooling myself into thing she's not having sex with him, but in all fairness I've had sex with more people since we broke up than she has haha. And I'm not feeding her feel good stuff, she has talked to me about some stuff that she's upset about I.e. drama she's stuck in and I can't say I've even been all that "nice" because several people close to her seem to just be turning a bling eye to bad decisions she's made last few months (more details than I've posted here would convince anyone she hasn't been thinking things through the last few months) and several of my responses to her issues have started along the lines of "well I don't get why other people are sugar coating it for you but I'm not going to" and been totally blunt that I think a lot of these issues were to a large extent her fault for ignoring red flags.
Btw interesting imagery with the tampon comment haha