When it's great it's wonderful but what happens when it's not so great?

[FlaCooln]

Tassy, it is hard being with someone like that. I think you could use a fresh male perspective one the whole issue and I have read your intro and other thread about your SO.

IMHO hinding porn from a SO is not healthy. I am as horny as the next guy and do enjoy porn on occassion, when I am single. But, when I'm in a good healthy relationship the last thing I want is to surf porn. I prefer then touch of a woman I am in love with and would love to never have to watch porn or masterbate again, as for me it is very unfulfilling and empty. A lot of guys feel the same way, so don't think all guys are like this.

If you really want this relationship to work I would sit him down and really try to understand his addiction to porn (if it is one). However, if he is constantly lieing to you about it and this behavior keeps repeating it will not change unless he wants it to. Also, from what you have said it sounds like you are a VERY understanding person and IMHO you are underappreciated and taken for granted.

I would not give him ultimatiums, but have a rational discussion (for the last time) and make it clear that you cannot live like this. As a woman you need to be respected, feel safe and loved. Sex maybe good, but if you are not emotionally satisfied that is NOT enough. It is very hard to move on and even scary, but this empty and betrayed feeling you have will not go away on its own.

[VincenzoG91]

[michelle23]

Thank you so much. The sad thing is i do get professional help cos im a nutter, i am the same with everyone in my life i always have been, too many chances gievn out, too caring and kind. I hate myself for being the way i am. People have always told me that it's not me it's how others treat me, take advantage of me cos they can, i will always give yet another chance. We did both get help cos he used to have a scary temper and the dope was a real issue, but he stopped going cos he thought he didnt need it anymore. His anger is a none issue anymore and as far as i know there is no ore dope use. I still go cos i am trying to change me, trying to find a balance between caring about me and others, but right now i dont want to care about anyone, but that doesnt last long. I will talk with him about him going back to get help again. He will do it cos he wants me, he loves me, or maybe he just likes what he gets from me, security, love, affection, chance after chance, he likes how gentle and caring i am yet he uses it to his advantage, he does not like that he has become just another in my life who takes me for granted and full advantage of me and my nature, maybe i create this in people, cos the only common thing between all these people in my life who treat me this way is ME! how can it be everyone else? It cant. It's me but i just dont know how to change it. I dont feel like i should be dishing out consequences to anyone cos everyone knows right from wrong and if they choose wrong then thats on them isnt it? why then am i the one who ends up hurt? I dont even know what im saying anymore. Im sorry.

There is nothing wrong with being a nice person and caring about other people. That is a gift and you should be proud of yourself but you do need to be more assertive and stop giving so many chances. I think you need to know when enough is enough. You also need to know what your standards and limits are. What would make you kick him out for example and stick to your guns if he crosses that line.

Set your own standards and be strong enough to walk away from someone who does not live up to your expectations. That is called self respect. It doesn't make you a bad or unforgiving person. You can forgive someone without letting them come back into your life. You need to learn the difference between being nice and TOO nice.

[michelle23]

Great advice there from flacooln: I agree completely. I think the fact that your sex life is good and he still watches porn and lies about it-is a major issue. Lots of men have no interest in porn when they are in a relationship. Some men don't even watch it when they are single.

If it is something that upsets you to the point that you feel betrayed-you need to decide whether you can put up with it or not. Me personally-I would leave. But if you think he is willing to get help and you want to give him another chance-you should say ONCE MORE AND YOUR OUT! and make sure you follow through with that threat.

[tassy]

Thank you so very much Flacooln and Michelle.
Flacooln your words felt like a warm hug, that may sound strange but i am a very 'feely' person, and i got a warm feeling when i read your reply. Thank you so very much for your words and time.
Michelle you have put so much time and effort into trying to help me and others too i have noticed, you feel like a good friend, one that would kick my arse to respect myself as well as kick the arse of my partner for treating me the way he does. Verbally of course. Much like i am with other people in my life.
I have heard my whole life that i have a "gift" the ability to be completly heart broken myself yet put all that aside for someone else's pain, even for the person who has caused my pain. I dont see it as a gift at all, its a curse!!! I have realised over the past few years that it is not even something i have control over, it is built in and i dislike it a lot.
My daughter and i have a wonderful relationship now, but geewizz we wnet through hell and back, she left home only after things got the worst that they could, she punched me in the face, waited for me to respond and when i didnt she hit me again and again. This was a long time coming, i knew it but thought i would always handle it differently if/when it did come, there was a lot of verbal and emotional abuse, then things were thrown at me and then the shoving, all with me saying she cant live here if she continues to act this way, but chance after chance was given, until the few punches to my face and i did nothing, i ducked i didnt stand there asking for more, but i didnt defend or even protect myself. I think it took for her to have her own daughter to realise her mistakes and her poor treatment of me but she did get it and she has real trouble coping with how she treated me i reassure her that it was my fault too, too many chances given and no real consequences handed out. Plus it taught her life lessons, i believe everything happens for a reason. She has a hard time watching me go through it all again with my son now, (minus the physical abuse) she has plenty to say to him but he is now where she was then, selfish and entitled. Steals my car, abuses me regulary, does nothing i ask, yet everyday i allow him to use my car so he car go to work while i have to rely on others to take and pick me up from work which results in me having to stand around waiting and waiting. My mother and brother are the same users and abuses, and real head f#@ks, my father only calls me when he wants money. Shrinks and friends, my ex husband and my partner now have all said "where the hell did you come from? how did you turn out the way you did?" I honestly dont know, i have never felt like i fitted anywhere certainly not within my family growing up and beyond, not within my marriage or his family, not really anywhere.
Limits, i do have them they may well be much broader than most but i do have them, i have nothing to do with my mother anymore, even though now she is ill, this is due to years and YEARS of mental abuse, i had to put a stop to it, i tried talking, i tried accepting her and blocking her crap out, but i couldnt and it was really enough.
My ex husband left me after 20 years of chances and trying to accept his behaviours, for the love of his life whom he was talking to over the net, after some time he realised it was a scam (it was all over the net no phone or face to face) she (or maybe it was a he) took him for a lot of money and broke his heart, guess who he came crawling back to me to have his feelings heard? Yes i did listen and comfort him. He even said "you should be angry at me you should be laughing at what has happened to me" I said "you know me better than that, otherwise you wouldnt have come to me for understanding and comfort" I had met my partner by this time and had no intention of ever taking the ex back and i made that clear so that was that. Im not always nice though believe me i laugh now that he was ripped off and burnt.

[bearz]

Your ability to put others first is not a curse, it is a beautiful trait that many more people should have. Obviously, you always have to think about yourself as well and I think in your case that is rarely happening. You do everything for others, but yet they treat you very poorly and don't appreciate you enough; if they appreciate you at all. Honestly, I don't know how you could take all of this abuse for so long. It's really sad that a caring person would be treated this way for so long. You definitely have to move on from him, maybe even try getting away from everything for a while to clear your head and try enjoying your live again.

[mckenna]

losing yourself is like losing your mind. that's not a good sign. from what you've been saying about your relationship with him, it doesn't sound very healthy.

so the main issue is porn. a lot of guys i know watch porn. i remember years ago i used to be bothered by it. now, not so much because i understand the sexual needs we all have. porn is nothing compared to catching him with another woman in your bed. but then that's just my opinion, it doesn't mean i am right.

you've tried many different ways to please him. why can't he think of different ways and try to please you? it takes two to tango. have you guys tried compromising? if he is unwilling, then leave him. i know it is not easy to do that but if you want to save yourself from losing, then walk away.

never ever apologize for things you say and feel unless if you are making offensive remarks, then you should apologize. and never ever change yourself for anybody. do change yourself because you want to be a better person.

when a guy disrespects you over and over, what makes you think he's going to be better next time? ask that yourself.

[mckenna]

losing yourself is like losing your mind. that's not a good sign. from what you've been saying about your relationship with him, it doesn't sound very healthy.

so the main issue is porn. a lot of guys i know watch porn. i remember years ago i used to be bothered by it. now, not so much because i understand the sexual needs we all have. porn is nothing compared to catching him with another woman in your bed. but then that's just my opinion. f

you've tried many different ways to please him. why can't he think of different ways and try to please you? it takes two to tango. have you guys tried compromising? if he is unwilling, then leave him. i know it is not easy to do that but if you want to save yourself from losing, then walk away.

never ever apologize for things you say and feel unless if you are making offensive remarks, then you should apologize. and never ever change yourself for anybody. do change yourself because you want to be a better person.

when a guy disrespects you over and over, what makes you think he's going to be better next time? ask that yourself.

[tassy]

i sort of feel a little sorry for my man, part of me hates that i feel this way, but the fact is it is inside me and i cant ignore it. He loves the person i am, he really likes who he has become and he is always saying he still has a long way to go but he likes the road he is on with me, he used to be a very angry man, violent and abusive. Not with me as such a little bit of it in the first year but he got help and seems to be so much more of a clamer person now. Even if he does lose it a little in traffic or something i just put my hand on his leg and he chnages straight away. I know he does not want to lose me and what we share, i am very affectionate and love that he is also, i never push or turn him away when he wants a hug kiss hold my hand or even when he goes for a 'feel' lol. He loves that he is free to love me whenever wherever, maybe not the 'feel' in public lol. I greet him at the door sometimes at the driveway with a big hug and smooch, he loves all of this. However of late due to all that has been going on i feel like that is dying inside me, i hardly even say hello now, im out of anything nice, and he is trying so hard to get it all back, i want it too, i just dont have the energy anymore. It must be difficult for someone to turn their whole life around, trade bad habbits for good ones, - i want to quit smoking exercise more, i want a happier and healthier me but it is difficult to do and stick to, so many it is the same sort of thing? he wants a better him, he wants me, he wants us, and to keep having that he has to work at it and whereas when i fail with the exercise more or quitting smoking im not hurting anyone esle just me, when he fails with his attempts to better himself we both end up hurt. Does this make sense to anyone else or is it just me making excuses and trying to make sense of it all?

[HeartIsAching]

He didnt actually cheat but i feel like he did, it was porn and i know i know most people do not see that as cheating, but i have made it clear my views on it and he said he wouldnt anymore but while he was telling me things like, "i like where i am now, how i feel about myself nothing to hide, I like who i am" it was lies crap he thought i wanted to hear, cos he was sneakily doing it anyway.

Ah. So you tried to impose your will on him, and now feel betrayed because he disobeyed. Gee, that's too bad.

[bearz]

You are doing all these nice things for him, but what is he really doing for you? Does he make you feel special? Is he going out of his way to make you happy? Is he supporting you in any way when you are trying to quit smoking? When you want to exercise more, is he joining you?

[rob1984]

okay another males perspective here tassy... one many people would love to be in your situation where him watching and hiding porn from you is their only issue.. So he watches porn.. what is it that makes you so angry... are you jealous of the woman he looks at ? he's not cheating on you.. its purely for a release.. does he stop having sex with you.. so he does not want pg13 sex with you all the time.. and wants to have fun with you.. I do think you are happy with him, but he's not what you want him to be. Why don't you both watch it together and mimic what they do on it, or tell him to do it in private.. its his guilty pleasure.. and as for the pot.. unless its his priority and he spends rent money on it.. let it go, be happy he's not an alcoholic..

I think you should focus on what he has good then just what is not up to standard for you.

[tassy]

Ah. So you tried to impose your will on him, and now feel betrayed because he disobeyed. Gee, that's too bad.

Goodness me you are an anrgy person, I explained how i felt about his activities, he made it clear about his feelings on when i wanted a vibrator, his feelings were respected by me, my feelings were not respected by him. And if you bothered to read everything you would understand that it is not so much the porn but it was the fact that he lied and for a very long time. Please do not reply to any of my posts but i do wish you love and happiness. take care

[tassy]

You are doing all these nice things for him, but what is he really doing for you? Does he make you feel special? Is he going out of his way to make you happy? Is he supporting you in any way when you are trying to quit smoking? When you want to exercise more, is he joining you?

He is very loving and affectionate, i love that but so does he, he does make me feel special, he looks at me as if i am the most beautiful woman in the world no matter how i look, but no he doesnt really help me with the exercise thing or with quitting smoking, i beg and beg for him to take a dance class with me cos i love to dance and he is not comfortable with me going out dancing without him and he is not a fan, i have begged for him to come swimming with me, but that has not worked out either. But it is up to me, not to sit around sooking boo woo no one will come with me, i can do these things on my own (if i could just push past the anxiety) and i will. I have to think more for me, of me. Cos he is thinking of him and i am thinking of him who is thinking about me? I will make the changes needed!!! Thanks everyone, well almost everyone xx

[HeartIsAching]

Nah, I'm not angry at all.

For future reference though - your attempts at control of me will net you nothing as well. Have a nice life.