When it's great it's wonderful but what happens when it's not so great?

[tassy]

I am feeling like i just dont have anymore to give, i really dont think i have even one more "put it to the side and work through it" in me. I am always telling myself he's sorry, (and so is he) He always manages to make me feel like things will really change this time, but this time I dont feel it. For months now things have been really good, we have had a few hick ups here and there but all in all pretty good we both talk about issues and we sort them out, however i have recently found out he has been lying to me for months, being affectionate and loving all the while lying to my face and being deceitful. I wont go into what the lie was about as i have already in "introduce yourself" I have also read a lot of peoples opinions on the matter (on this site) and to me it's not as much about what he lied about but it is the lie, the way he lied and for how long. I believe i am a fair and reasonible person, i try to always consider others sometimes too much so. But i am getting to where i have had enough of sorry's and nothing changes, things are done, disrespectful and inconsiderate things are done, im hurt and upset and then it moves to 'im sorry, i cant do anything about it now it's in the past all we can do is move on from here' I HATE that, im hurt by someone elses inconsideration and left to deal with it and somehow just move on, I have in the past over and over again, i mean what else can one do? I keep trying different things so maybe there will be a different outcome but i am realising that i cant do it alone. I love him dearly but i dont trust him can there be a relationship without trust?

[Slefgor]

Trust is the root of the relationship, its so hard to earn, but so easy to lose. Lot of factors can change things, such as kids and living situations, but nine times out of ten, once the trust is lost it isn't worth rebuilding, because until then, suspicion and jealousy will just lead to heartache.

[michelle23]

I agree-if hes hurt you and you no longer trust him-it is better to walk away and find someone who wont hurt you and who you can trust.

I think a relationship is the sum total of all your time together and if there is a deep betrayal/hurt thrown in there-the relationship will always have a big flaw and every time you think about it-it will hurt. It is better to forget about him.

He said: 'im sorry, i cant do anything about it now it's in the past all we can do is move on from here'

This attitude is too laid back about the issue which proves he is not really that sorry. I'm not sure exactly what he has done but I'm guessing cheating right? That is a BIG deal and if he expects you to just move on-forgive and forget than he doesn't understand how much hes hurt you and he never will. Most cheaters are very selfish anyway and if you forgive him again-he will do it again because your telling him "I'm a doormat"

[tassy]

He didnt actually cheat but i feel like he did, it was porn and i know i know most people do not see that as cheating, but i have made it clear my views on it and he said he wouldnt anymore but while he was telling me things like, "i like where i am now, how i feel about myself nothing to hide, I like who i am" it was lies crap he thought i wanted to hear, cos he was sneakily doing it anyway.

[michelle23]

Okay I read through your original post just now and I see the problem is porn.

How often does he watch it?
Does it interfere with your sexual relationship with him?
What type of porn is it?
Does he prefer to watch it than go to bed with you?
Does he expect you to do things sexually you are not comfortable with?

I think you need to figure out if it is an addiction/obsession-lots of men have a porn addiction and it means they cannot have a healthy relationship or sex life with their partner.

My partner never watches it-he has no interest in it and we have a great sex life. Its never been an issue for me so I think it would really bother me if we split up, and I met someone new who watched it regularly. I would probably end the relationship if I'm being honest. I hope me and my bf never split lol so I never have to deal with any of this crap..

[tassy]

I am a doormat, its true not one of those soft cushy ones though more like the wire prickly ones lol, i may say my piece, sook and cry about it, but at the end of the day i do end up forgiving and moving on. The problem is i dont forget but i do forgive and when i do so I give another chance whole heartedly, i even (in time) trust again. I dont know how to be any other way. for my whole life i have been known as the one who gets over things, i jump up and down, voice my feelings and concerns but at the end of the day with everyone in my life i am able to move past things, and more often than not only to find myself once again having to accept yet another apology, excuse or reason for disrespect, lack of consideration or worse. However at this point in time i am no longer even wanting to fight within myself to get that "one more chnace feeling" Im so tired.

[michelle23]

If it bothers you this much-it may be better to walk away

[tassy]

im not sure what it is that is going on with me, i love him and i have always gotten over everything b4 but this particular issue has come up 3 or 4 times all with lies being told to me and me finding out. This time i did something really strange, I did it, i offered and did sexual things that I dont normally do without feeling really close to him, yet i did them within only days for finding out he was lying to me, I hated myself afterwards, yet the next day i did something else even more sexually unusual for me to do unless we are both very close, you know like really connected. Again I hated myself afterwards. It was not him at all it was all me. I dont know what the hell i was doing. The last time this all happened i offered that he record us on his phone if that would help him. It didnt! He lied and said it did but it didnt, so i deleted that from his phone and felt dreadful about myself. Now this time i did things that disgusted myself, not the acts as i am very sexual but the fact that i did them when i was so hurt by his actions. Im losing it, im losing me.

[tassy]

We talk and discuss everything but im not sure anymore what is true and what is said to shut me up so he can go about doing whatever he likes at the time. I wanted a vibrator sometime ago and that was a huge issue for him, he felt like i was saying he wasnt enough, i wasnt happy about it, i thought it could be fun for us both but i respected his feelings only to find out months later that he was looking at porn and not respecting my feelings on that issue. That just blows my mind how can someone ask the one they are deceiving to respect their feelings and continue to disrespect their feelings on basicly the same issue?????

[tassy]

I understand making mistakes im not perfect, but geewizz if i know i am doing or have done something that was inconsiderate if that person knows it or not and they show me consideration i could NEVER continue misleading them or disrespecting their feelings if they were to find out. I just dont understand that.
It's not just porn, i awoke last week in pain unable to move, my back was out, i moaned and groaned face down in my pillow unable to move, he said "goodmorning" as if it was a normal morning and then left the room. I tried to tell myself that he just didnt notice (i do that make excuses and try to make sense of what doesnt makes sense, so not only do i have his excuses and reasons to try to comprehend I also have the battle going on in my head as well) after sometime i managed to turn over still in some discomfort though, he came back into the room and asked "are you ok now?" I realised he did notice and he chose to walk away and leave me to it. I burst into to tears and asked him how he could do that? He replied with he just didnt knwo what to do.
Right now he knows i am at a loss i am hurt numb confused and really dont know what to do. He brought in flowers tonight, chocolates and my fav things for dinner. None of it meant anything to me, he kisses and hugs me and i dont respond, i may still put my arms around him but only because i dont want to be rude or hurt his feelings afteral he is trying, trying what i am not sure. I feel like Dr Jeckle and Mr Hide right now feel for him one minute cos he seems so sorry and then furious the next cos he hurt me. It's a mess!!!

[michelle23]

We all have our boundaries and limits sexually and you should not do something that makes you feel ashamed or upset. Maybe you and he are just not compatible sexually? As for the vibrator-he cant tell you not to get one especially since its alright for him to watch porn whenever he feels like it and just expects you to put up with it. Go get one and tell him to f off!

Tell him if he wants to watch porn-you will play with yourself in future. Stand up for yourself here girl! Don't let him walk all over you. You seem to be constantly trying to please him but he upsets you time and time again.

And all those gifts hes bringing home could be a sign of guilt by the way. Most men don't buy random unexpected gifts for their partner for no reason unless he is guilty of something.

You need to weigh up the pros and cons here and make a decision. Should he stay or should he go? It sounds like lots of drama, anger, upset, pain etc. Is he worth it?

[tassy]

I think that is exactly what i am trying to do now, weighing it all up. When he's great it's wonderful but i dont even know when he is being "great" that he really is or not anymore, it has been too many times of shit done behind my back like Smoking dope and porn, then there are things we discuss and agree upon only to see in the next minute he is going against all that was agreed to, it could be about money, our cars, his kis my kids, his ex, it really doesnt matter what it is he just does whatever he likes and then wants to talk about it again!!!!!! Says we need to look things up and get advice, says we need to try something different, we always do, that is nothing different, he says he forgets, he's sorry and im sick of it all. Here's something new to try f#@king dont be a selfish inconsiderate prick!!!!! Too much, i dont have time to get over one selfish thing before there is yet another one, the thing i hate the most i miss him deeply, i want to crawl into bed beside him and just hold him, but he took that from me by hurting me how he has. I want him close and yet at the same time as far away as possible.

[tassy]

Oh and as for us sexually he tells me he is very happy, he calls me his porn queen, i know what he likes and as long as i get love making, soft and tender now and then, im happy enough to be his dirty porn star. But to put myself in such a vulnerable situation i have to feel safe and connected and i dont not at all anyomre. Oh he feels guilty alright cos he knows he has been an arse and i have turned myself inside out to where i dont even know who i am anymore trying to make us work and he feels like crap cos he has mostly been thinking about himself. Like a child really only thinks about the trouble he is in, rather than the trouble he could get in if he continues to be disrespectful.

[michelle23]

"Smoking dope and porn" = I suggest you get help here via couples counselling. If you are not ready to give up and throw in the towel-then you need professional help to fix this as you sound very angry and that wont go away-it will just get worse.

Also his addictive behavior is a red flag as well as his selfish personality. I don't think you can trust this man as he has issues and he is probably looking for an escape from reality. (men like that have affairs)

If you want to save your relationship before it gets any worse-counselling is the only way to go.

There is too much anger and resentment building up here and it will only get worse if you dont tackle the issues head on.

[tassy]

Thank you so much. The sad thing is i do get professional help cos im a nutter, i am the same with everyone in my life i always have been, too many chances gievn out, too caring and kind. I hate myself for being the way i am. People have always told me that it's not me it's how others treat me, take advantage of me cos they can, i will always give yet another chance. We did both get help cos he used to have a scary temper and the dope was a real issue, but he stopped going cos he thought he didnt need it anymore. His anger is a none issue anymore and as far as i know there is no ore dope use. I still go cos i am trying to change me, trying to find a balance between caring about me and others, but right now i dont want to care about anyone, but that doesnt last long. I will talk with him about him going back to get help again. He will do it cos he wants me, he loves me, or maybe he just likes what he gets from me, security, love, affection, chance after chance, he likes how gentle and caring i am yet he uses it to his advantage, he does not like that he has become just another in my life who takes me for granted and full advantage of me and my nature, maybe i create this in people, cos the only common thing between all these people in my life who treat me this way is ME! how can it be everyone else? It cant. It's me but i just dont know how to change it. I dont feel like i should be dishing out consequences to anyone cos everyone knows right from wrong and if they choose wrong then thats on them isnt it? why then am i the one who ends up hurt? I dont even know what im saying anymore. Im sorry.