Unequal Housework in Relationship

[IndiReloaded]

Sorry, to be clear: what *do* you like?

[searock]

should re read my post, i never said i don't do it, said things as an individual i don't enjoy doing. someone has to do it and i will.

I corrected that for you.

It's not a gender thing, every person likes and dislikes different things.

[Wakeup]

should re read my post, i never said i don't do it, said things as a guy i don't enjoy doing. someone has to do it and i will.

Did you think women do enjoy doing them? . I guess the bottom line is you get it done if there is doing to be done.

[Exeter19]

Sorry, to be clear: what *do* you like?

most everything else, chore wise i don't mind doing on my own or being asked to do. the ones lists are the top ones I don't like at all, and why i mentioned them. because others were saying about what the op's man should, could do, and her problems that he won't. as a male was giving my pov on what i don't like.

@searock & wakeup. i am male, so i can only speak for myself and my gender in all my comments, replies and posts. i don't need to say as an individual, i am only speaking for myself as it is. i find it disrespectful to edit my post to please yourself.

[searock]

@searock & wakeup. i am male, so i can only speak for myself and my gender in all my comments, replies and posts.

You can speak for yourself for sure, but what is true for you may not be true for other men, this is what I meant. It's not a gender thing, it's not you "as a male", it's you "as a person".

i don't need to say as an individual, i am only speaking for myself as it is.

We agree then. I was simply pointing out that it has nothing to do with the fact that you are male.

It's as if I said "As a female, I love swimming.": it doesn't make sense. It's not because I'm a female that I love swimming, it's because I am me. Didn't mean to be disrespectful.

[Wakeup]

said things as a guy i don't enjoy doing.

As a girl, I ask did you think women like doing them? lol. Semantics aside.

Nevermind!

[joanna1]

I don't like to clean at all, dusting is the worse and cleaning the bathtub. I am tidy though and always had partners who don't mind doing specific chores. They always did their own laundry and cooked as well.
Ask him a choice of what he can choose from to do weekly.

[Jffs24]

lmao:


I grew up with parents who felt a man's jobs, chores, duties were outside and a woman's was inside. So he'd mow, rake, work on the car, house, gutters, roof, painting, bbqing and so on. Only thing they both did was cook, my mom took up all the other inside household duties. -- except for bug killing, he assumed that one, lmao. And cleaning up the dog shit in the yard.
For some couples it works, I don't think couples today would go it that way, but for my parents they took that balance and both were ok with it.

[searock]

lmao:

Is this for real? How old are you, 85?

I grew up with parents who felt a man's jobs, chores, duties were outside and a woman's was inside. So he'd mow, rake, work on the car, house, gutters, roof, painting, bbqing and so on. Only thing they both did was cook, my mom took up all the other inside household duties. -- except for bug killing, he assumed that one, lmao. And cleaning up the dog shit in the yard.
For some couples it works, I don't think couples today would go it that way, but for my parents they took that balance and both were ok with it.

Is that also how it works in your relationship?

[Exeter19]

i laughed at jffs24's pic. it bashes men more than anything as being useless and lazy. men's side needs the toaster, coffeemaker too, lol. i don't see problems with cleaning your own messes up, or helping others clean theirs up. if there is stuff you hate doing, compromise. no probs, searock, thanks.

[bluesummer]

Seriously if talking about how it upsets you isn't motivating to try, it's time to take the low road and stop doing things that if not done would inconvenience him. Don't do HIS laundry. Don't wash dishes (just wash a plate for yourself when you need it), etc. If he bitches tell him you don't have time and if it's going to get done it requires some of his effort too. Otherwise, yes, he is wearing those underwear for another few days!

[IndiReloaded]

I'm amazed this issue comes up so often. Its not about chores, its about communication.

Anyway, the answer to your stated issue is this: If you are both working full time then you need to share the chores. That's all. If you don't have time, then budget for a cleaner.

If you can't do this, then what you need is a conversation about what the real issue is: money, role expectations, etc.

[smackie9]

No it's about stuborness. Hit a brick wall when hiring a cleaner is suggested. Someone seems to think they worker harder than I do so it should fall onto my plate along with cooking, shopping, paying the bills....at least he put a new roof on my house, I guess that makes up for it.

[mollymari]

Tee hee; how many of us are giggling at this? Indubitably many. Yup. I think this is a global issue. I told my husband that if we put 1/3 of his 'beer' money and a 1/3 of my weekly income in a cleaning fund, we could hire someone and pay them fairly well, which would help alleviate the stresses of 'fair share household chores. Well, it worked. He even put on my apron and over the past few months he's been cooking more, doing dishes more and on those extra special occasions, making the bed. Wahooo! It's a miracle! and all I had to do was suggest cutting into his beer fund and my savings! tee hee.

I'm sorry your experiencing fall out when you mention your concerns with him. That is a bummer indeed. From what I gather about situations like this, men who assume the woman ought do the brunt of housework were often raised by Mommies that did it all. Sometimes Mom's seem reluctant to have their sons do what used to be referred to as 'women's work' but in this day and age? come on right? No doubt.

Your working and going to school; he needs to own up and do his fair share without the attitude. True enough, in those moments of unjust baloney it is often easier to just walk away but I would hold my ground if I were you. Well I did hold my ground and the place got really messy (oh it was not easy walking through the dust bunnies) but be strong.; then hiring someone came into suggestive play and well, he likes his beer so , on the apron went.

Note to any Mom's that may be reading this thread: Let the boys do the dishes so once their grown men, you can know you raised your beautiful son to accept the notion that chores within the house are the responsibility of BOTH partners. tee hee.

[TheEvilJester]

The chores are definitely something that should be divided. As others have said here, you are not his mother. It sounds like you have been reasonable and tried to be nice about it. Even so, just to clarify, allow me to offer some advice from experience here. It may or may not apply to you, since it sounds like you have tried to be very cordial about it, but hopefully some of it will help.

NOBODY likes doing chores. And, if you live together, neither of you should have to do them all, unless for some reason that was an agreement you had. You are both adults, you should both pitch in. What would he do if he was on his own?

I have always found having a specific division of chores helps. Have an agreed upon set of chores each person will do. Then, it is important to have an agreement that as long as the chores actually GET DONE and in a REASONABLE amount of time, you are not to bother each other about it. My ex-wife could NEVER understand the concept of compromise. Everything had to be her way, or she acted like a huge three year old throwing a temper tantrum. Near the end of our marriage, she was out of work (partially by choice on her part) and would sleep until 3:00 PM and stay up until all un-Godly hours of the night.

So, she would suddenly decide at 12:00 AM in the morning that she wanted to spend hours cleaning. Oh, excuse me that I have to get up for work in the morning. If I didn't feel like cleaning at 12:00 AM in the morning because I needed to get some kind of sleep before an 8 or more hour day of work, you'd think I was starting World War 3.

Not only that, but there were two things she just seemed to LOVE to do. 1) She would decide she was going to have one of HER friends over, so all of a sudden last minute, I was expected to drop everything to help her clean because she didn't tell me she had a friend coming until right before. 2) She would ask me to help with some chores, and that meant I had to drop everything I was doing and do it immediately. Not "Oh, hey, if you don't mind could you get to these chores at some point." I was NEVER the type of person to say I would do them and then just intentionally not do them. I just tend to prefer to schedule them for a specific time so I do get them done within reasonable time, but also have time to have a life.

In both of these cases, nevermind I could have had a long day/week at work, or even have a lot of frustrations going on. Nevermind I may have been insanely busy that week and really just need some time to relax. Nevermind, as well, the fact that I had calmly and nicely told her MANY times that I absolutely insist on helping with the chores, but I just plan my chores differently than she does. I prefer to plan ahead of time and divide the more time consuming tasks over a couple days rather than wasting a whole day doing all of it.

Anyway, sorry. Got on a bit of a tirade there. This topic just hit on a bit of a pet peeve of mine. LOL! I, for one, INSIST upon doing some of the chores when I live with somebody. It is only fair. But, I just ask that, so long as it isn't like I leave my chores sitting forever (which I DON'T) then respect that two people can live together without having to have the exact same philosophies in cleaning.

Another important piece of advice I would offer is to divide the chores as fairly as possible. In other words, nobody should get all of the more undesirable chores. (On a side note for another topic in this thread, I am a male, and I actually do not mind cleaning out the toilets.)

Also, so long as things aren’t done obviously and intentionally shoddily, another good point is DO NOT inspect and nitpick about the other person’s job. I can’t tell you how many times I have spent an hour or more vacuuming. I put the vacuum away, proud of myself for a job well done…. Take a few steps… and notice a bunch of little specks of crap the vacuum didn’t get after all. At that point, I feel like taking the vacuum back out so I can bash it into a million tiny pieces, and then buy a new vacuum to vacuum up the pieces. LOL! Any normal human being could take one look and see that I vacuumed. Any normal human being probably wouldn’t even notice the few specks the vacuum left (Hell, I didn’t when I already went over the spot 3 or 4 times) or care if they did.

It is important to understand one frustrating truth about chores… they are never really done. By the time you finish, before long they need to be done again. LOL! So, the most important advice I would offer anybody is DO NOT ever expect things to be PERFECT. In order for that to be the case, you’d have to spend HOURS cleaning EVERY day. Who the Hell wants to live life like that?

Bottom line, though, if he cannot have a civil conversation with you about it, and/or cannot fairly divide the chores, then maybe it is time for you to date a real adult, not somebody merely posing as one. Good luck.