Unequal Housework in Relationship

[shella]

Hello everyone,

I am new to this website and I was looking for somewhere to vent and ask for advice on a problem I have been having in my relationship.

I have been with my boyfriend for about 4 years and we have been living together for over 3 and a half of those years. I am not a clean freak but I have always done almost all if not all of the housework.

This started off being because he worked full time and I worked part time but it hasn't been that way for nearly 3 years. For all of July my boyfriend did not have a job while I worked full time and ended up doing about half of the chores then. During August he was in school for about 2 weeks at the start of the month and this to him was enough to stop doing everything but cleaning the litter box. Now he has been out of school for 2 weeks again with no job while I am still working full time and back to school 2 nights a week and still only doing the litter box.

I have brought up many times before that I feel our housework load is uneven. He always gets defensive and angry. Today was just the same. I mentioned very calmly that I was disappointed that no housework was done all week while I was at work and school and he went off very angrily about how he was studying. (this means about 2 hours a day during the week) I hate conflict so I left it at that after he stopped talking to me and left the room to find this forum.

The problem with all of this is that I feel like he doesn't respect me at all knowing that I am working long days at work and going to school and still letting me do almost all of the housework. I feel like he is only thinking of himself and quite frankly treats me like I'm his mother. I'm sick and tired of it and don't know what to do because every time I try to bring up something I am unhappy with he gets angry and defensive and it is like talking to a brick wall.

Please help!

[luvkings]

Try to see reasons with him. he should be helping you with house chores while you are away, it doesn't mean he is now your house boy, just callm him down and xplain things to him. you are workin full time and u attend classes obviously you will be tired when you get home. ask him what he can do & what he can't so you guyz can delegate duties to each other. For the sake of love he should be helpin you out for now while he is yet to get a job. i just hope he is not lazy?

[Wakeup]

This worked for us, maybe it will work for you too:

Make a list, your name on one side, his on the other and put what jobs he can do under his name and what jobs you'll be doing under your name. Then take it to him and ask him if he would like to switch it up anyway, exchange something you had under your name. Once the list is finalized, and you've discussed that it will be HIS AND YOUR responsibility to get the tasks done that have been assigned you, hopefully he'll understand that it's only fair that you share the housework.

If he doesn't change and doesn't do his assigned tasks then you know he doesn't give a crap so you either resign yourself to the fact that you'll be doing it all or the house gets to be a pig sty, or you leave him for being a lazy ass who doesn't want a romantic partner, but rather someone to do it all like mommy did for him.

Good luck.

[smackie9]

Hah we always seem to fall into that female role of cook, housekeeper and bottle washer. I'm stuck in it too for the last 15 years. If he doesn't want to do it, then hire a maid to come in once a week. You can hire a girl that is in high school or a retired lady looking to make some extra cash. You can hire one for as little as 10 to15 bucks an hour. Have them do the basics and you both can figure out who does the dishes. Oh and do not do his laundry. If he bitches, then you have every right to tell him his mother doesn't live here. That is the one thing I know my hubby has no choice in the matter....he has to do his own laundry or he will just have to wear that same old pair underwear till he does lol.

[Exeter19]

if he doesn't want to do it, have him hire someone to do it ( like smackie said) ( make HIM pay for it), if he cannot afford it, then he'll have to do what is required of him and if not stop doing chores he expects you to do for him, whatever extra you do. or leave him there for a week as it piles up and fend for himself. i'd hate to clean the litter box the most, rofl that and unloading the dishwasher.

[smackie9]

Give him chores that most guys don't mind doing like vacuuming, putting dishes into the dishwasher, mop the kitchen floor, taking out the garbage. Reserve the toilet and bathroom, tidying up the bed for yourself. Grocery shopping, go together. Get a self cleaning litter box.

[searock]

I don't think you should put up with any of that. It sounds like he's relaxing, thinking you're his mom who *is supposed* to do everything for him, like it's something he is allowed to take for granted.

Tell him that you are sick of treating him like a child and that he needs to do his part. If you are out of the house all day working and in school, he should do most of the housework. I think Wakeup's list idea is a good one. I don't think you should give him chores that "most guys don't mind doing" like smackie suggested - there are no "girl chores" and "boy chores", every person is different. Ask him what he prefers and what he hates, find a middle ground and stick to the schedule.

[smackie9]

I know for a fact men DO NOT care to scrub a toilet and will do anything to get out of it.

My husband has no problem scooping the cat's litterbox, but hell if he'll swish a brush around the toilet bowl lol.

[searock]

I know for a fact men DO NOT care to scrub a toilet and will do anything to get out of it.

Personally I don't know any person (male or female) who likes scrubbing toilets... I don't think it's a gender thing.

My boyfriend is used to living by himself, he knows how to take care of every chore that is required. We both have chores that we prefer and chores that we dislike, some of the things he hates I don't mind, and vice-versa. We take turns for the rest.

[smackie9]

I work in the janitorial/restoration industry....the ladies I work with don't mind it at all....I don't mind it either.

[searock]

Ok but I still don't think it's a gender thing - it depends on the persons, IMO :-).

[HeartIsAching]

I know for a fact men DO NOT care to scrub a toilet and will do anything to get out of it.

My husband has no problem scooping the cat's litterbox, but hell if he'll swish a brush around the toilet bowl lol.

Then your facts are wrong.

I don't mind cleaning the toilet, but I HATE doing the dishes. Doesn't mean I won't, just that I don't like it.

OP: Small hint about housework for men - let him do the ones involving power tools. Vacuum cleaner with a HP rating=fun.

[Exeter19]

I know for a fact men DO NOT care to scrub a toilet and will do anything to get out of it.

My husband has no problem scooping the cat's litterbox, but hell if he'll swish a brush around the toilet bowl lol.

i don't like, vacuuming, unloading the dishwasher, folding laundry =)

[IndiReloaded]

i don't like, vacuuming, unloading the dishwasher, folding laundry =)

I hope you have a house cleaner.

[Exeter19]

should re read my post, i never said i don't do it, said things as a guy i don't enjoy doing. someone has to do it and i will.