I like a girl that has a boyfriend. She likes me. What do I do?

[Wakeup]

Its not so black and white, Dick. It appears to me that she's having an EMOTIONAL affair with him which means she's on two branches right now. As I said, if she doesn't want to be with her SO then she would, actually SHOULD, have left him by now but, she hasn't. IMO.. that means exactly what I said in my first post.

OP: You'd be better off backing away from your "friend" and letting her make up her mind without persuading her any further with your wants. She's a two brancher.

[JinVA]

I agree more with Michelle and Wakeup here - this is not a good situation if she is trying to use you as the escape branch. Because that screams dependancy issues and will have a high likelihood of her boomeranging back to the BF or using you as the rebound escape, but thedo the same to you if anything gets too frustrating.

Not saying it can't work out, but not highly likely for the best or healthiest end if you allow it to just happen. The best I can say in this scenario is let her know how you feel, but with the caveat that things must end and be wrapped up first and you do not jump into anything with her for a while - give it time to settle and just be friends at best. If it still is clicking later then you possibly have a real chance, because maybe you two are meant to be, but again it is not highly likely since the behavior displayed is not healthy from the start. If you are really honest to yourself you would even acknowledge that your current situation is crossing the line if the roles were reversed; you would not want your GF having this type of interaction with another guy, so it would obviously cause issues for that hypothetical relationship.

Overall it is not an auspicious start and has rather ominous undertones to it, also she is quite young and still trying to learn herself still at best.

Ultimately not a good situation.

[dickriculous]

Its not so black and white, Dick. It appears to me that she's having an EMOTIONAL affair with him which means she's on two branches right now. As I said, if she doesn't want to be with her SO then she would, actually SHOULD, have left him by now but, she hasn't. IMO.. that means exactly what I said in my first post.

OP: You'd be better off backing away from your "friend" and letting her make up her mind without persuading her any further with your wants. She's a two brancher.

That's definitely true in some situations, and I wouldn't be surprised if it does turn out to be the case in this situation, but I wouldn't be surprised if it turns out not being the case. If she has a history of monkeybranching from relationship to relationship to relationship then yes you speak the truth almost word for word but we don't know that, all we know is she is in a relationship that she's unhappy with but why is she unhappy? Yeah, maybe she's codependent and unhealthy. But maybe she's a pretty normal girl who was trying to work things out and is now in the final stages of giving up on the relationship and realizing that while she gave it her best shot, it's now a lost cause.

Not all breakups happen because you decide all at once that it has to end right then and there, sometimes you have to attempt damage control for awhile before you simply jump ship. And sometimes when you're attempting damage control you get to a point where it starts sinking in that there is no hope for the relationship, and while all of this is going on along comes another opportunity for something that actually DOES appear to have a chance at working - in this case OP. I don't see how this situation requires codependency.

How do we know if it's the first scenario or the second? OP hasn't told us yet from what I can tell. All of the advice to run away from her is based on the first scenario but what if the first scenario doesn't apply to this situation? What if she had just begun damage control or was in the middle of it when OP came into the story, is she still codependent if she leaves her bf for him then?

[Wakeup]

Every "history" of anything starts out with a first time.
He should just keep it real by not manipulating himself into her life the way he wants to.

That's all I'm saying. Up to him what he does with the information. Codependent people stay in relationships that they are not happy in. That's what I'm trying to convey to the OP. If he wants to be the piece on the side then he'll keep on the way he's going. If he doesn't, then he'll back off and let her end her thing with the other guy or work it out. If she doesn't end it then he's dodged a bullet.

Damage control is way more easily "controlled" when there isn't some other person sitting between the two who are trying, like some giant pink elephant in the room.

[dickriculous]

1) Every "history" of anything starts out with a first time.

2) He should just keep it real by not manipulating himself into her life the way he wants to.

That's all I'm saying. Up to him what he does with the information. Codependent people stay in relationships that they are not happy in. That's what I'm trying to convey to the OP. If he wants to be the piece on the side then he'll keep on the way he's going. If he doesn't, then he'll back off and let her end her thing with the other guy or work it out. If she doesn't end it then he's dodged a bullet.

Damage control is way more easily "controlled" when there isn't some other person sitting between the two who are trying, like some giant pink elephant in the room.

1) Yes, but not every first time results in an eventual prolonged history of something.

2) And what are we referring to as "manipulating his way into her life"? Does simply expressing his desire for her qualify as such? Does coming together via natural chemistry that could just as easily have happened should the bf not have been in the picture at all qualify as such? I don't see how, and the latter is along the lines of what I was suggesting at first.

I don't think we're really disagreeing all that much when it comes down to it. I'm ok with OP taking some kind of initiative and you're not, that's pretty much the only difference I can tell between the way we're looking at this. The people I am really disagreeing with are the ones implying that in every possible situation like this you have to run from her or you're an idiot.

[Wakeup]

Not going on any further, Dick. I think we have both made our points. Up to OP what he does with the opinions of the two of us.

Cheers.

[dickriculous]

That's fine, I just wanted to make myself perfectly clear because your choice of words in some of these posts - particularly posts 12 and 19 - seemed like you thought I was suggesting some PUA shit to OP. I want to make sure you don't think that and more importantly I want to make sure OP doesn't think that because I don't want him reading this dialogue and thinking "ok so dick's advice sounds good now in order to apply it I have to run a set with at least 20 embedded commands and transition into sexy-time style with sequential pimp drops etc. etc. and then she's mine" (I don't know my PUA lingo so excuse me if I butchered that)

[Wakeup]

I know I said I was ending it but since you added, I'll give one last though too.

Bro, have you ever picked up a single chick before? It's exactly the same when you're trying to get someone in a shitty relationship to monkeybranch to you.

Sure sounds like PUA to me. I do think you're using PUA even if you say you are not, ya are.

Caio.

[dickriculous]

When I think PUA I think more along the lines of systems of techniques, theories, and strategies that get sold as a way to get women to jump your bone. Like Mystery Method and shit like that. Don't think there's an actual concrete definition of it tho, seems you can call pretty much anything PUA if it involves dicks and pussies.

[michelle23]

No, that's not all you're saying. Saying "these situations rarely end well" is not the same as calling this a "stupid mistake that I've learned never to make" and a couple of posts before that implying that OP is too stupid to listen to your advice and a waste of your time, AND on top of that the fact that "being a man in this situation" makes him delusional and self-destructive. The first point is a relatively level headed opinion that may or may not be valid depending on the situation. The last three are condescending and short-sighted hyperbole.

For someone who's so trigger-happy about judging other people (especially men) as assholes you really need to start paying attention to how you talk to people on this forum, as well as the way you talk about masses and masses of people in one fell swoop at a time that you know absolutely nothing about, because from where I'm standing you have about as much of a right to call these people assholes as Genghis Khan has to lecture society about the evils of murder, rape, and pillaging.

Im not judging OP. I was saying we have seen loads of men in the same situation as OP who think theve got a chance who usually get hurt. It wasnt a dig at men at all.

Weve seen women in the same situation too but that doesnt apply right now

I was attempting to use reverse psychology in an attempt that he wont end up with a broken heart and the hope that he would listen.

I dont think hes stupid, just think hes allowing his heart to rule right now which is never a good idea IMO

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[michelle23]

Whats PUA?

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[brass monkey]

Thank you all for contributing to this discussion. There are some very valid points and some not so valid. I will not pick apart each post but I have come to the conclusion that I will wait it out and continue to become better friends with her and get to know her better. I think the fact that I had to ask other people shows that I myself am not sure about this girl. I think waiting it out whilst at the same time keeping my options open is the best option.

Also to make a few things clear:

She does not have a history of "monkey branching", she is still with her first ever boyfriend who is pretty much one of her best friends. You should all be able to see how it might be difficult to break up with someone in this situation.
I myself have twice had to break up with a girl because I couldn't see us going anywhere. I am still good friends with all but one of my exes. Each time was difficult but necessary, and these were much shorter relationships in comparison to hers. The difference is that he will still be in her life as a friend because all of her friends are his friends too. I can see from her perspective that it is a difficult situation. This does not make her a monkey brancher or a cheater. You can't just subject pigeonhole the situation because there are too many variables. I'm sure this exact situation has happened to someone before, and I'm sure they could offer some great advice but the chances of them reading this are pretty slim.

TL/DR: Thanks for the advice, I'm going to wait and see what happens.

Cheers!

[Wakeup]

Well, I've taught my daughter to stay away from men that pretend to be your friend when it's obvious that they like you and want you for more then that when they know you have a boyfriend but they keep up with the pretense. It's unfair to him to have him as a human, faithful labrador retriever and if he'd settle for friends when he wants more, then he's not looking out for his own best interests (which would be ) by backing away and finding someone who will be not only his friend, but his lover too.

To each their own.

[brass monkey]

Well im going to be her "labrador" for the next 2 years anyway because we will be studying together and also in the same sports team. Like I said, I'm keeping my options open. If I get another girlfriend then she will still remain as a good friend.

[michelle23]

Uh god! Do you honestly think any new gf will be okay with your "friendship" with this girl? What is wrong with some of you people? Jesus ****ing christ! I would not go out with you if i new you were best mates with a girl your secretly in love with. Get a grip

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