Simple question hurtful answer

[TheEvilJester]

Hey Meg,

Yah, ouch. you know, you could just chalk it up to some men are a little thick on the whole, 'gee, how best to answer this' thing. He should have been, could have been, ought to have been a little more diplomatic in his response but he wasn't.
I wouldn't put too much into it. Tough as that may be.
I know, I know, what you needed to hear was something like, "sure, she's pretty but she's got nothing on you babe and your the only one for me" BUT , he left that part out.
Perhaps he didn't want to play into what he felt was your insecurity. Rather cruel as that may be. He perhaps found it ridiculous you'd even be concerned with such things and intentionally left the 'sugar coating' on the shelf.

Woody is actually illustrating my point very well as well. Should you sort of "fish for compliments" like that? No. But, I don't think it is such a terrible thing (so long as it isn't a regular habit) that somebody shouldn't just give you the compliment anyway.

Here's a sort of for example for you. So, I have this one group of friends that gets together often. For a little while, one of our friends wasn't able to make it for one reason or another. She finally made it back and at one point, half jokingly asks "Did you guys miss me?" I saw no reason not to just answer honestly and said "Of course we did." Was it perhaps a bit insecure of her to ask at all? Sure, but why the Hell shouldn't you say something nice in a situation like that? It would be one thing if she asked us that every single time she was gone even a day, or something like that, but why wouldn't I just say something nice to make her feel good? How hard was that to do?

I think the same goes here. The OP really just shouldn't have asked about his ex in the first place, but being the BF, why would you NOT take that as an opportunity to tell your gal how much more important she is to you? Is it a little silly? Sure. But, so long as it doesn't become a regular thing, I don't see why you can't stroke your significant other's ego a bit now and then. Who couldn't use a little pick me up like that now and then?

[Wakeup]

No.. there is nothing wrong with a little ego stroking now and again however, Jester: You're situation with your friend and the situation with the OP are NOT the same. People who come right out and say "did you miss me" or "Don't I look great in this colour" or Do you like this colour on me as much as I do" are not causing an argument, are not shit testing the one they are suppose to love, are not being insecure and annoying. They are asking a freaking question that they more then likely already know the answer to but are just looking for validation. Afterall... if there were no mirrors we ALL would have to rely on others to tell us how we look. Watch the movie Petite Papllian (sp?) and you'll get a perfect illustration of that when a fellow prisoner who has been in solitary confinement for a year asks a fellow inmate "how do I look" as his first words to someone.

Op didn't directly ask, she sit tested the guy and when he didn't answer the way she EXPECTED she got all bent out of shape. pffft. If she keeps up this game playing and phishing and insecurity as a habit then she will more times then not be just a disappointed as she is now.

[TheEvilJester]

Yeah, touche I suppose. Still, I don't know, is it just me? When a gal.... Hell when ANYBODY asks their significant other a question like that, 9 times out of 10 isn't it just because they are basically looking for an ego boost? I mean, none of us are mind-readers, but shouldn't that one be pretty obvious? LOL!

So, why not just give her the ego boost? Again, if this were something she did ALL the time, then I'd agree she needs to grow up, knock it off, and learn to build her own confidence and not always expect others to build it for her. But, if it was an isolated incident, why not just tell her what she wants to hear? Who couldn't use a little confidence boost now and then?

[Wakeup]

It probably was VERY obvious and he was smart not to cultivate her insecurity and therefore enable her immaturity and her being annoying.

I'm sure he's told her before when she hasn't been a little douche about it how pretty he finds her. If he doesn't then perhaps she's with the wrong guy... some oufff who she would be better off without. My guess however is that girls like her would find guys that compliment them often as boring and predictable.

[dontaskme]

Yeah, touche I suppose. Still, I don't know, is it just me? When a gal.... Hell when ANYBODY asks their significant other a question like that, 9 times out of 10 isn't it just because they are basically looking for an ego boost? I mean, none of us are mind-readers, but shouldn't that one be pretty obvious? LOL!

So, why not just give her the ego boost? Again, if this were something she did ALL the time, then I'd agree she needs to grow up, knock it off, and learn to build her own confidence and not always expect others to build it for her. But, if it was an isolated incident, why not just tell her what she wants to hear? Who couldn't use a little confidence boost now and then?

I never ask my BF to rate his ex? What for? Why should I put him in a very awkward situation? Not fair dude! I wouldn't want him to ask me either to rate my ex in any way. That would totally make me very uncomfortable and would probably cause an argument.

There is really no reason anyone should bring up pointless shit about any exes and cause unnecessary discomfort.

If two people are very secure in their relationship and are comfortable in their skin then ego stroking is nothing but plain bullshit.

If the OP wasn't that insecure, then she would already know how the boyfriend feels towards her and how he sees her. Sometimes, it is the unspoken words of love that matters more than the superficial, empty, and hollow smooth talking.

Good for the boyfriend to not enable the OP's insecurities as it will only get worst.

[woody]

Yah, I comb my hair once and awhile. Just for my man. (i'm kidding, I 'try' to do it daily) but it's flippin cold here and the touque does fine but yes, never a good idea to ask about what the ex looks like nor show them what your ex looks like. Yowza!
As I sit in my part Stay Puff Marshmellow/Michelin Man baby blue grungy warm coat I try to assure my man daily how sexy he is as I sit by the fire with soot on my face.

good stuff

hope O.P got enough info

[dickriculous]

Obviously he wouldn't say she is ugly but I know all of my exs after we broke up weren't a ten in my eyes anymore and on top of that even if he thought she was he could have followed it up with something to make me feel better about myself after saying what he said or at least including the fact we are together as a reason he wouldn't go back to her

When you say this it sounds like you were fishing for compliments, and I have to wonder why you felt the need to do this. Does he not give you enough affirmation? If that's the case then you should probably find a more direct way to let him know that you would like more encouragement from him. Laying bait and hoping he takes it is too haphazard of an approach, not to mention it reeks of game playing - whether that was your intention or not.

[breathe123]

Yah, I comb my hair once and awhile. Just for my man. (i'm kidding, I 'try' to do it daily) but it's flippin cold here and the touque does fine but yes, never a good idea to ask about what the ex looks like nor show them what your ex looks like. Yowza!
As I sit in my part Stay Puff Marshmellow/Michelin Man baby blue grungy warm coat I try to assure my man daily how sexy he is as I sit by the fire with soot on my face.

good stuff

hope O.P got enough info

made me smile this post of yours. Saw you sitting as you wrote it, real love sees past anything superficial.

[TheEvilJester]

I never ask my BF to rate his ex? What for? Why should I put him in a very awkward situation? Not fair dude! I wouldn't want him to ask me either to rate my ex in any way. That would totally make me very uncomfortable and would probably cause an argument.

There is really no reason anyone should bring up pointless shit about any exes and cause unnecessary discomfort.

If two people are very secure in their relationship and are comfortable in their skin then ego stroking is nothing but plain bullshit.

If the OP wasn't that insecure, then she would already know how the boyfriend feels towards her and how he sees her. Sometimes, it is the unspoken words of love that matters more than the superficial, empty, and hollow smooth talking.

Good for the boyfriend to not enable the OP's insecurities as it will only get worst.

When you say this it sounds like you were fishing for compliments, and I have to wonder why you felt the need to do this. Does he not give you enough affirmation? If that's the case then you should probably find a more direct way to let him know that you would like more encouragement from him. Laying bait and hoping he takes it is too haphazard of an approach, not to mention it reeks of game playing - whether that was your intention or not.

In large part, I agree with these two posts. As they mention, why would you ask something like that in the first place, especially if the answer has the potential to upset you? Also, as they said, if this was just your excuse to fish for compliments, not only was it the wrong way to go about that, but I'd also wonder why you felt the need in the first place. If it is just that you are legitimately insecure, then it is fine to look for confirmation in your significant other now and then, but you really need to learn to find the confidence in yourself instead. If you constantly ask a guy stuff like this and expect him to stroke your ego, after a while that is going to get old fast.

If, on the other hand, you don't tend to be overly insecure like this but this particular fella just happens to be very rare with the compliments, then maybe you are with the wrong guy. I mean, some people just aren't all lovey dovey and constantly being like "You are so beautiful" and things like that. Yet, at the same time, it isn't right to NEVER do that. People in relationships often take them for granted. A little sweetness now and then goes a long way.

On a side note,

Woody,

The nerd/Ghostbusters obsessed weirdo in me feels the need to point out that it is Stay Puft with a T. :-P LOL! Sorry. Had to tease you. Trust me, that is a VERY common mistake folks make.

[woody]

^^ Ah, golly, thank you. My Puffy 'Stay PufT' marshmellow jacket thanks you too. Washed it the other day. Nice.
you guys are all great.