The Confrontation

[independent]

Oh its been that way for awhile now. A long while. We just dont talk.

He does, mind you. He'll go through this whole spill about his day went, a complete replay, detail for detail. I just go "uh huh" and "cool" and nod a little. Then when he's done, or leaves an opening, I might try to say something - like maybe how my day went or whatever. It's at that point that he changes the subject, or jumps up and says "Well, I gotta go, have a good day!". Just been that way for awhile now.

What really gets me is when he'll act all sweet (before the move-out of course) and say "What's on your mind, baby?" or "anything you want to talk about?". Because I know the minute I open my mouth he will either a) belittle every comment I make, or b) find a reason to leave. So I just smile and say "Nope, what about you?"

I used to think he was seriously interested. Boy was that frustrating.

[whaywardj]

Though we all feel compelled to at such times, it really isn't necessary to conduct an exhaustive post-mortem on a love relationship that has died in order to achieve closure on it. We can just drop it and all the questions it spawns. I've noticed in my own experience that taking time to sort out whys and wherefores across imagined lines in retrospect merely prolonged my agony. I thought I was trying to understand. Came to pass, I was just as much trying to place blame and be in the right. Didn't really need either to move on, as it turns out.

Actually, that was driven home to me by a woman. During one tense discussion in the throes of our breakup, I blurted out desperately, "But I LOVE you." Without missing a beat, she replied, "That's neither here nor there," not even pausing in her packing to catch her flight, which she was on two hours later, never to be seen again by me. Her point with that behavior? Didn't matter to her WHAT was whichever way. She was done with it.

[independent]

Yeah.

It boils down to... we dont make each other happy.

Obviously.

[whaywardj]

Such moments of stunning clarity can be real annoying, can't they?

[independent]

Yeah.

*sigh*

[whaywardj]

Then, again, they can also be like those moments just after a spring shower, when everything seems so clean and glistening with vibrance.

[whaywardj]

Guess it depends on how one is predisposed to look at things, and what she expects for herself. Regardless of what she wants.

[independent]

Yeah, I dont feel "clean and glistening with vibrance". I feel very pensive and reflective at the moment.

I have some work to do in my life right now.

[whaywardj]

There will come a day, I assure you, when you'll recognize that outlook, too, as the choice it really is.

[independent]

I have a choice?

Now theres an interesting concept...

I always accepted "you cant help how you feel". But what you said does make sense.

I'm kind of up in the air right now it seems. Part of me fretting over this finality thing. The other part of me already ordering novels and books I think "girls should read" and focusing on my career and on making local friends... things that are a big step in the right direction for me to shift focus in my everyday life.

Maybe I'm just on the line, swaying back and forth. Are you saying its a concious choice to step straight over? That would make sense... I thought this was a necessary process - but maybe its just that I'm prolonging it for some reason.

[*konstantine*]

Independent

I wish i had read your thread earlier...you seem to know what you want now and this may seem redundent but in the event you question what to do again or feel confused/upset etc...i still felt the need to post...

in regards to why he wants to keep you around, like everyone else...I think b/c he can...also i'm sorry to say maybe its just b/c of the sex, you already said you don't talk about much and i know its nice to think that he comes to you for sex and not someone else but don't let that be an indicator of whether or not he cares, there could be a lot of reasons for this...
you also said he's manipulative...i think he also likes to have this control over you, i'm sure it is very satisfying to him, he knows he can put in the smallest effort and get whats he wants...i think if u continue this relationship in anyway you will only get more hurt....

I think wayard's right, after a certain point you need to stop looking for the reasons why things turned out the way they did, you need to acknowledge and remember them for what they are at present = not functional.
I know this must be very hard for you even though you are doing the right thing and it needs to be done, but it only makes sense that its hard and confusing at times, you invested alot in this relationship and its hard to accept that all that effort you put in isn't giving you what you expected, all that waiting for things to be the way you hope is unfortunately going to be waiting w/no end...don't beat yourself up for having doubts, don't let that saddness confuse what you've already decided...it seems natural to be upset for the loss of a relationship that has been such a big part of you life, whether it was good for you or not its always going to feel like a loss at the beginning...
but in time i don't think you will see it as a loss but at opportunity for something better to become a part of your life....

[independent]

I'm glad you did post - that helped a lot. You were right on so many points and I found a lot of confirmation in your words.

Tomorrow is the last night that we have an obligation to play each of our tournaments in the same building together. After that, there will be weeks where we shouldnt cross paths. I know he'll be drinking at the tournament, so I will plan to have this talk with him on Thursday.

We wont be "together" tomorrow evening - playing different teams in different rooms, actually - but I dont want him to "get to me" (upset me) before my game, and I dont want to screw him up before his. We both take our league seriously.

That will give me time, too, to consider the best approach. I've already said it over and over in my head a hundred times. Perhaps breakfast would be a good time. I would prefer to do it in public, where acting irrational wouldnt even be an option.

And then I will head straight to the library and pick up a good novel to sink myself into for awhile.

[whaywardj]

I have a choice?...Are you saying its a concious choice to step straight over?

Yes. Exactly that. But you have to be willing to let YOURSELF go before you can make that choice. Not him. He -- and all you went through with him and are going through now -- are only the outward reflections of the inner process. Important answers are never to be found. They're only to be seen. Stop searching. Start looking.

PS: Forget "Far From the Madding Crowd." Get "Jacob's Ladder" instead. Better yet, rent the DVD. Pay particular attention to what the chiropractor tells his patient about angels and devils.

[independent]

I'll look for that - I dont think I've seen it.

And thank you

[whaywardj]

...The other part of me already ordering novels and books I think "girls should read" and focusing on my career and on making local friends... things that are a big step in the right direction for me to shift focus in my everyday life...

PS: All this could, at the same time, also be a means to NOT look at something else. Fill up enough of your attention with some things, there isn't room for other things, however loudly they may knock on external events going on around you, trying to get in from the cold of your inattention.

Here's an idea, borrowed from the Basques: This winter, put a reasonably comfortable chair near a warm place in your house. Make it point of never sitting in the chair or letting anyone else sit in it. Let it be the place you invite into warmth that of yourself that's been left out in the cold. (You may also wish to research the Basque tradition of the empty chair. Might have special meaning for you beyond what I've just suggested.)