Help with a complicated situation (Reader's Digest version)

[Ellynn]

Yeah the others are right. I think she is using that ring to hold on to you. She wants you around in case things don't work out with her current bf. She also wants you around in case all of her other plans don't work out. Why would you want to be her second choice, if that. If she wanted to marry you, she would have made a decision by now.

I think you already know the answer to how she is feeling about marriage with you. You just need to finish things up by getting that ring back.

The only way you will take the pressure off is by getting the ring back and letting her know the offer stands if she would ever change her mind in the future. (Personally I wouldn't offer again, but just trying to make this easier for you.)

[Am_I_Crazy]

I know you guys. Getting the ring is the only way to get my dignity back and show her that I won't be disrespected....

She said she wanted space, taking the ring back will give her plenty of space, wouldn't it?

[Ellynn]

I know you guys. Getting the ring is the only way to get my dignity back and show her that I won't be disrespected....

She said she wanted space, taking the ring back will give her plenty of space, wouldn't it?

Yes, you have to realize that its not one persons feelings that matter in a relationship, but two. You aren't thinking at all about yourself, only her. She isn't thinking about how you feel at all obviously. If she was, she wouldn't be stringing this along so long and would have been upfront and honest with you to begin with. At least that would be credible. I mean all she could say was "Im stressed or I need space."

Yes, taking the ring back will give her space. This also gives her time to figure out what she really wants. In the long run, you only want to see her happy right? Even if her happiness isn't found with you right? So, just get it back and let her know that if shes ever serious about making a commitment, then she knows where you are. I wouldn't hold my breath for that to happen though. She may never think of you as more then a friend. You have to accept that. It sucks, but it happens. I think its happened to almost everyone on this board at one point or another.

But, honestly, in the meantime, Do yourself a favor and don't wait around. There are other women out there that want what you want. Don't rule them out because of this experience.

[Am_I_Crazy]

Yes, you have to realize that its not one persons feelings that matter in a relationship, but two. You aren't thinking at all about yourself, only her. She isn't thinking about how you feel at all obviously. If she was, she wouldn't be stringing this along so long and would have been upfront and honest with you to begin with. At least that would be credible. I mean all she could say was "Im stressed or I need space."

Yes, taking the ring back will give her space. This also gives her time to figure out what she really wants. In the long run, you only want to see her happy right? Even if her happiness isn't found with you right? So, just get it back and let her know that if shes ever serious about making a commitment, then she knows where you are. I wouldn't hold my breath for that to happen though. She may never think of you as more then a friend. You have to accept that. It sucks, but it happens. I think its happened to almost everyone on this board at one point or another.

But, honestly, in the meantime, Do yourself a favor and don't wait around. There are other women out there that want what you want. Don't rule them out because of this experience.

It's funny because most of the men are saying this too. Most of the women counselors that want me to succeed say "Ask how she feels and see if you can wait."

I'm getting angry as I think about this. She said she was stressed and emotional and just needed some space. That doesn't tell me JACK. It doesn't tell me if she is thinking about it or if she has already made up her mind and is afraid to hurt me.

Taking the ring back would show that I mean business and she knows for me to do that I must be really frustrated with her and this situation. I do know for a fact (don't ask know I know) that she isn't feeling stressed or emotional around her current guy. Only when she speaks to me.

What does that tell me? Nothing. Well, it tells me that she isn't really thinking about it. She's just trying to put off the inevitable or keep me on a string until something happens with him.

I guess I am worried about looking like an ass since I told her she could take as much time as she needs to make up her mind. Seven weeks is a long time IMHO to have a ring and not be able to tell me anything other than "I need space."

Maybe her heart will change when I take the ring back, who knows? I know that if I want to show that I am not a door mat I have to ask for a decision or the ring back.

Most likely, just the ring since it's obvious she either doesn't want to make a decision or is too afraid to tell me no.

[Am_I_Crazy]

So how should I word the email? I was thinking:

"Ok, you want space, you've got it. When can I pick up the ring?"

Nothing more, nothing less?

[Ellynn]

Well if you can't reach her by phone, I guess email would work.

What you wrote is good. Keep it simple and to the point. Let her know you mean business.

Then when she actually shows up with the ring, explain to her your reasonings why you want it back. Let her know that while you were being sincere in proposing to her, you don't want to pressure her. So its best you get the ring back.

[dreamer101]

Why should you pick up the ring? She should come and return it to you.

[vashti]

Yeah, she SHOULD. But will she? I doubt it, or she would have done so by now. Anyway, it's been two days. I sure would like an update on the ring situation.

[dreamer101]

yeah thats true, she would have eh. Maybe he should ask her to reuturn it like, you can have all the space you want but can you return the ring by Friday (or something). And then if she doesn't then go and pick it up.

"I sure would like an update on the ring situation."
Second that.

[Am_I_Crazy]

Ok, well after seeing a Counselor on this (and he knows what I want) he said "Let it go." She said she wanted space, that doesn't mean it's a bad thing. Don't email her now. He said if I can't help myself just say "Hey, I respect you need space, when you are ready to hang out, say movies, go carts, etc, let me know."

Ah -- but I know her. Space means "Leave me alone and when I am ready to talk I will call you." So that is my plan. I just have to let things go.

On the plus side, she was poking around my web site last night looking at photos of me. Something she hasn't done since we were dating. Hopefully that is a good sign.

I know one thing, my silence will speak volumes every bit as much as hers.

[vashti]

But did you get back the ring???

Ah, well. Perhaps it wasn't all that valuable aside from the emotional aspect....

[Am_I_Crazy]

But did you get back the ring???

Ah, well. Perhaps it wasn't all that valuable aside from the emotional aspect....

No, because I made a promise and I think that for my own integrity, I should stick to it.

If she says no, I'll get it back. I am not worried about that.
If I pester her when she asked for space, she'll DEFINITELY give it back.

What I have decided to do is just live my life. I need to stop worrying about what she is thinking. Women don't want men that pine over them. They don't want men that chase them and have no self-esteem or confidence.

I am confident and have good self-esteem. I am worthy and I know it. I am just an impatient b*stard and need to learn how to shut up and be patient.

I'll let you know what happens, when it does. For now, I DO have a life and I need to be living it Cheers all and THANKS!

[dreamer101]

good on you buddy. thats the way to go.
Your attitude should be contaigous.

[Am_I_Crazy]

good on you buddy. thats the way to go.
Your attitude should be contaigous.

Appreciate it. If you look at the facts, there really isn't much more I can do. Sometimes we have to learn to let go of things we can not control and just be happy with who we are and what we have.

I know I could have it worse. I won't die without her. I would miss her deeply, but I don't need her.

When I think I have it bad, all I have to do is read about all the people dealing with cheating or abusive spouses, losing a child, losing a limb, cancer, etc.

Compared to them, I just have a belly ache.

[Am_I_Crazy]

Ok kids, I finally got her to give me an answer.

It's no. Just as I expected it would be.

Thanks to everyone for their support. Life goes on.