Problem with girlfriend

[vashti]

Sorry buddy, I just think the way you framed your argument (or "preference not to talk about" something people generally find personally meaningful) shows a huge lack of respect for her religion, whether or not you intended it to be that way. That she also disrespects YOU doesn't come as much of a surprise.

Also - did you report my posts? I hope so!

[onemessedup]

You geting offended hearin about Buddhism is just flat out idiotic. Being a Christian does not mean you have to get angry when you hear about other religions or be intolerant. If you act that way towards other people's beliefs you are going to cause friction and frankly, it's dumb. Closin your ears when you hear people talk about another religion does not make you a better Christian.

That said, your relationship win your girlfriend is not healthy. You have these ridiculous quirks and she likes to exploit your weaknesses. That's not exactly a good couple. You need to find a healthier relationship, and also to learn to listen to people with different beliefs, that does not mean that you change your beliefs, only that you act tolerant.

Can you guys ever understand preferences? I don't mind listening to her talk. It is the fact that she gets her mother involved in this. Forget it. You guys don't understand cause you didn't know her personally or sees it.

She even calls her own mother stupid and her mother lets it be saying that she was rebellious in her younger years, hence she is using her hyper tolerance to hope she will change.

The thing I found out is that her mother is dependent on her for living cause they're retired with no retirement fund and my gf is the one paying for their food and their house, electricity and water.

She is spoiled and her mother is afraid of losing her. You have to just hear how she yelled at her mother, slam door and how few times she would argue with her mother in a shopping mall, and just walk off drive away with her car leaving her mother alone in the mall.

If you'd know her, you won't be saying all this. It is not dumb and I am tolerant of how people want to tell me about religion. But the thing here is, my gf gets her mother in the picture to provoke me. If you provoke people, expect anger, and if anger takes place, don't be angry about it. Because it was you who started it. Action and reaction. She has talked to me about religion and I have followed her even to temples with no qualms. I'd follow her on vegetarian, and I have paid for donations asked by her religion before.
How is that not tolerant about religion?

I specify again one more time for people wanting to reply here, this is NOT about the religion. It's about her verbal abuse, calling names and putting down.

Look here for keywords : Putting down, Verbal Abuse, Disrespect.

Do you also not see the point that she calls my mother a prostitute? I guess nobody sees it. People only see what they want to see. Or is it me that is not good enough to get the true point across. I'd fix it if it was, just let me know.

[vashti]

If you are so dissatisfied, I don't really understand why you need any advice. Just break up with her, and be done with it already.

[onemessedup]

Sorry buddy, I just think the way you framed your argument (or "preference not to talk about" something people generally find persoanly meaningful) shows a huge lack of respect for her religion, whether or not you intended it to be that way. That she also disrespects YOU doesn't come as much of a surprise.

Also - did you report my posts? I hope so!

My bad. I did not report your post and I see no reason for it. This is a forum and you have your rights of opinion. I hope you take time to read about the history of her before you make judgement. One time she went to church with me supposedly on her own willing heart for an event and she ridicule my religion and I just suck it in.

I guess you have no idea how she disrespect everybody, she went to a job interview 2 months back by the vice president of the company, and when he ask her about things she can and cannot do, she questioned him back whether is he good enough to ask her these questions.

Seriously, cut out on the religion again. You're almost there...it's about disrespect. You forgot to see that she calls my mother a prostitute.

Should I call you a prostitute just cause I feel you disrespect me? My question is, should there be any reason to name call anyone the moment you don't like what they do?

So if you think they should, tell me now what can I call you? I don't not because I think you respect me. I don't because I respect human being and believe if you're unhappy with something, you can talk about it.
Not name calling.

And did you see the phone message I typed out when I asked her to stop name calling? How as her answer? I can if you stop being one.
Verbal abuse is as bad as physical abuse. Perhaps you couldn't see it cause you are not a victim. Now look at it this way and change it to pretend this is physical abuse and her message goes like this : I will stop beating you if you stop being a jerk.
And the other goes : You are provoking me to call you names again. Do you want that?
Now imagine it's physical abuse : You are provoking me to hit you again. Do you want that?
Now tell me, why is that right to you? You're into abusing or something? Do you hit your child or your sister? Or your aging mother. I don't know, cause you seem to be a fan of it perfectly supporting it. Only a drug addict will support the act of another.


If you don't agree, I can't force you. But one day you're name called by loved ones and put down to the core, I hope you remember what we're talking about here.

[MVPlaya]

I guess you have no idea how she disrespect everybody, she went to a job interview 2 months back by the vice president of the company, and when he ask her about things she can and cannot do, she questioned him back whether is he good enough to ask her these questions.

Seriously, cut out on the religion again. You're almost there...it's about disrespect. You forgot to see that she calls my mother a prostitute.

DUMP HER

What do you want to hear here? Do you think someone has a magic wand that turns your girlfriend into a nice, caring loving person who is going to always be respectful to you?

There is only one solution for this: dump her, find someone else.


Edit:

Can you guys ever understand preferences? I don't mind listening to her talk. It is the fact that she gets her mother involved in this. Forget it. You guys don't understand cause you didn't know her personally or sees it.

She even calls her own mother stupid and her mother lets it be saying that she was rebellious in her younger years, hence she is using her hyper tolerance to hope she will change.

The thing I found out is that her mother is dependent on her for living cause they're retired with no retirement fund and my gf is the one paying for their food and their house, electricity and water.

She is spoiled and her mother is afraid of losing her. You have to just hear how she yelled at her mother, slam door and how few times she would argue with her mother in a shopping mall, and just walk off drive away with her car leaving her mother alone in the mall.

If you'd know her, you won't be saying all this. It is not dumb and I am tolerant of how people want to tell me about religion. But the thing here is, my gf gets her mother in the picture to provoke me. If you provoke people, expect anger, and if anger takes place, don't be angry about it. Because it was you who started it. Action and reaction. She has talked to me about religion and I have followed her even to temples with no qualms. I'd follow her on vegetarian, and I have paid for donations asked by her religion before.
How is that not tolerant about religion?

I specify again one more time for people wanting to reply here, this is NOT about the religion. It's about her verbal abuse, calling names and putting down.

Look here for keywords : Putting down, Verbal Abuse, Disrespect.

Do you also not see the point that she calls my mother a prostitute? I guess nobody sees it. People only see what they want to see. Or is it me that is not good enough to get the true point across. I'd fix it if it was, just let me know.

Buddy, I get your point fine:

There are two points I am bringing up:

1) If you act that way about religion, you're going to face these problems often in life. Even if its just an issue of preference, other people will see it as disrespect and they will interpret it as disrespect, and act accordingly.

2) Regardless of the religion issue, your girlfriend needs to be dumped. She is disrespectful, rude, baits you, and hurts you: why are you still with her?

Dump her.

[onemessedup]

This is a communication and respect problem.

Now, Onemess, you need to understand the difference b/t preference and issues that *must* be discussed.

Generally, there are topics that are important for couples to discuss and agree on. Or, at least agree to disagree.

Money, children, religion, values, life goals. These are the big 5.

So, while I understand your point about not drinking Coke being a preference, its not in the same class as a discussion about any of the topics above. Coke vs. Pespi isn't as hot a topic as what religion your children will be. Unless you are an exec for Coca Cola.

If you and your lady don't have any mechanisms for having discussions about those topics, then one or both of you have a serious communication problem. No way would I advise you get married.

Here is a path I suggest when dealing with communication style problems:

- Say what you want to say (make your points, don't react to other person)
- Stay on one topic and stick to the point
- Respect the other person - avoid judgments
- Keep your nonverbal communication consistent with your verbal
message (no angry body posture, try to sit facing each other)
- Make observations (describe your own perceptions, don't interpret for the other party)
- State your feelings and needs ("I need, I feel, I think"... etc)
- Request a specific positive change if necessary (not a demand)
- Keep body language consistent with your message (open, loving, not hostile)

I totally agree. You got it spot on. Boy am I glad. Yes this is a form of communication background. Actually when I mention the coke thing and religion thing, I am not saying it's the same. I was just trying to make a point to say that, I shouldn't have needs to believe my preference should be ridiculed and taken for granted. If I don't like, I have a reason inside why I don't. My girlfriend don't like me crossing leg. I find that funny too, and not neccesary, but I don't do it cause I know she don't like it. It's mutual respect.

Thanks Indi. But honestly I find myself in a state of verbal abuse. Few days ago I threw my temper at a complete stranger in which I should usually just talk my way out. But I didn't even talk but started yelling. After of it, I have no idea why I was an idiot to that stranger.

I am suppressed with this relationship. She forbids me to do a lot of things. No this, you can't talk like this, you can't join me and my friends but if you go out with your friends, get me along, you can't eat this, you can't sleep this way, tuck in your shirt, take it out, switch off the light, you don't show me faces. But she can do all of the above if she chooses so and when I question her why is it all right when she does it but not me, she says, I am a woman and these are my rights, don't question me.

She is not willing to sit down and talk. When I ask her politely if we could talk of some issues and how to resolve them in the future, her reply was :
( A long sigh )...Are you too free? I am very busy you know? I don't have free time like you do. Go do something beneficial. I don't want to hear you talk. ( mind you we were at home all good, it was just a regular evening )
If I speak a few words right after, she'd switch off the light, and turn the other way round and not look at me, or even just shut her ears with her fingers.

[MVPlaya]

But honestly I find myself in a state of verbal abuse. Few days ago I threw my temper at a complete stranger in which I should usually just talk my way out. But I didn't even talk but started yelling. After of it, I have no idea why I was an idiot to that stranger.

So your relationship is not only emotionally unhealthy, but it is making you act worse than you would outside of the relationship.

I am suppressed with this relationship. She forbids me to do a lot of things. No this, you can't talk like this, you can't join me and my friends but if you go out with your friends, get me along, you can't eat this, you can't sleep this way, tuck in your shirt, take it out, switch off the light, you don't show me faces. But she can do all of the above if she chooses so and when I question her why is it all right when she does it but not me, she says, I am a woman and these are my rights, don't question me.

She is not willing to sit down and talk. When I ask her politely if we could talk of some issues and how to resolve them in the future, her reply was :
( A long sigh )...Are you too free? I am very busy you know? I don't have free time like you do. Go do something beneficial. I don't want to hear you talk. ( mind you we were at home all good, it was just a regular evening )
If I speak a few words right after, she'd switch off the light, and turn the other way round and not look at me, or even just shut her ears with her fingers.

DUMP HER

You should've dumped her years ago.

[onemessedup]

"RESPECT MY PREFERENCE. AND NO NAME CALLING. IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY WITH MY ACTIONS. TALK TO ME LIKE AN ADULT. NOT CALL PEOPLE A FUC-ER OR BI-CH OR PUSSY AND HOPE IT GET'S RESOLVED."

The respect issue is mutual, by being offended when she states her beliefs, you are offending her constantly. You simply act around it by saying that it's better not to talk about it, while she constantly feels judged by you.

Secondly, your preference is her complete silence on an issue of high importance to her. It's one thing to tell her: "just so you know, I'm no a Buddhist anymore so I'd rather not talk about the things, but I respect you beliefs" compared to "I am a Christian so do not talk about Buddhism around me." The latter is disrespectful.

You girlfriend is acting very childish with you, she constantly baits you and the verbal abuse is uncalled for. However, you have to understand where this childish impulse co
es from, it comes from her disagreeing with you belief that no religion but Christianity can be talked about around you.

Either you let go of this command that other religions cannot be discussed or her will continue to be friction about this issue.

You both feel disrespected. She feels you are disrespecting ber religion with the way you respond to each instance of her religion being mentioned, and you feel disrespected because she will bring her religion up. At the end of the day, this is what happens wh you want you partner to give up a freedom (discussing religion).

You need to compromise at some point on this issue of talking about religion.

That said, I still think your relationship is unhealthy. If she constantly swears at you k owing I offends you, then you will have many fights in the future about issues other than religion and they will end up the same way. This relationship is not healthy.

I agree with this post. Yes she admit she is childish and all, and she gets away with it saying this is how women are. Are women suppose to be childish? Is there any women here that are able to admit to that? Women are suppose to be childish. Then it's my fault because I thought women were suppose to be even more mature than men.

She blames me for everything when one time I was driving her car, naturally you adjust the seat and mirrors to suit your height and all to be safe. I did, and when she took over after a stop, I said ok you can drive back. I specifically told her, to readjust her mirrors before she moved because I have adjusted it to my preference for safety.

She said there is no need. Fine, we went on the highway, she switch lane and a car behind give her a loud honk. She got shock, I comforted her to say it's ok no worries, we're still fine.

She started yelling at me saying....it's not ok, don't you dare again change my settings, don't change something that I have perfected! This is your fault and you tell me it's ok?

I answered, didn't I ask you to readjust the mirror before we even started moving and she budge in and say : You don't have the right to change my setting in the first place. This is my car, and you shouldn't be changing the settings ( Mind you, she was the one asking me to drive earlier ).
I am much taller than her and my views and hers are different, if I don't change the setting I may not be able to drive safely. I got screwed up like I have no dignity and I was expected to shut my mouth. I did.

If tis religion thing happened because it was an isolated case, I probably would take it differently. I guess it was accumulative of how she treated me all this while, but I foolishly believe love can change things.

Even her sister tell me that she is a selfish prick and offensive woman. If you can take selfishness, then you can hang around. If you can't you better leave her. Because my gf's brother in law hates her to an extend that he doesn't even want to look at her face.

She just wants her way, so much when her sister was pregnant and cuoldn't eat raw food, she insisted on taking japanese, and when her parents said no...cause your sister is pregnant, she yelled at her parents saying why is it always about her. She went in the room, slam the door, her mother got upset, didn't eat dinner, she didn't bother bringing her mum to dinner, she left come look for me and complain what an idiot her sister is.

Can you guys already dig her personality?

[onemessedup]

So your relationship is not only emotionally unhealthy, but it is making you act worse than you would outside of the relationship.


DUMP HER

You should've dumped her years ago.

Haha....my weakness is that I do not dare to leave any woman I am with. In that sense, I am a pussy.

Because she is very beautiful, all her friends and family tells me I am too lucky to have her as my girlfriend, the more I believe that if I leave I may not find someone as beautiful as her anymore.

Perhaps, I am on for all the wrong reasons.

To add to my point, I know one of her ex bf cause he was my ex classmate. He's married now happy, a father of two.
I know their stories but I didn't know this is her behind the scene. Her ex bf then slaps her, knocks his head on the floor, and do all crazy stuff because he was unable to take all those shit from her anymore. Nobody outside understand why because she was charming out there.

Until i am not in it, I finally understood. When I tell her that it's good that her ex is all happy now, she told me : Having kids and a wife doesn't mean he's happy.

[onemessedup]

If you are so dissatisfied, I don't really understand why you need any advice. Just break up with her, and be done with it already.

If it was that easy, I wouldn't be telling stuff here. I seriously loved her and was seeking of a way to make some changes on both sides. If everytime people are not satisfied with their partner, they just break up, then it shouldn't be called commitment. It is also not a surprise why there are lots of divorce cases out there. I am an Asian, and we believe in working things out no matter how hard until a state when we know it's totally impossible.

[MVPlaya]

Haha....my weakness is that I do not dare to leave any woman I am with. In that sense, I am a pussy.

Because she is very beautiful, all her friends and family tells me I am too lucky to have her as my girlfriend, the more I believe that if I leave I may not find someone as beautiful as her anymore.

Perhaps, I am on for all the wrong reasons.

To add to my point, I know one of her ex bf cause he was my ex classmate. He's married now happy, a father of two.
I know their stories but I didn't know this is her behind the scene. Her ex bf then slaps her, knocks his head on the floor, and do all crazy stuff because he was unable to take all those shit from her anymore. Nobody outside understand why because she was charming out there.

Until i am not in it, I finally understood. When I tell her that it's good that her ex is all happy now, she told me : Having kids and a wife doesn't mean he's happy.

But this is the thing though, you are not lucky... you sound miserable, man. I feel for you.

You cannot believe that just because this girl is pretty that it is worth anything to be in a relationship with her. Personality is very important, and you are making a superficial decision which is hurting you.

As long as your girlfriend knows that you will never have the courage to stand up to her or leave her, as long as she knows that solely by being pretty (for which she has to do nothing) you will stay by her side and want her, then she can do whatever she wants. And if 'whatever she wants' means insult you, hurt you, swear at your mother, emotionally bait and taunt you, then she'll do it. This is not only an unhealthy relationship, it is downright awful.

You need to grow a sack of nuts and dump this girl. If you cannot show a woman that you have certain rules in life that they must abide by, they will walk all over you. You have to be willing to enforce these rules on women, otherwise you will never have the kind of relationship you want.

If you can get this selfish primadonna to be in a relationship with you, then you can always find someone else. But honestly, if I had to choose between being single for a year or dating your girlfriend, no matter how hot she is, I'd be single.

[onemessedup]

You know, I had a lot more sympathy for you before you started reporting other posters for being "offensive". It would be impossible not to offend you. You were offended when you woke up this morning and I'm sure you've been looking for people to blame it on all day.

You're ridiculous. If you don't want to hear about Buddhism, don't hang around with Buddhists.

Duh.

I think you need to learn how to deal with stress more effectively. You sound like you're about to have a ****ing aneurysm and you are just LOOKING for a fight with absolutely everyone.

Don't bother reporting me for offending you.

If you don't think reporting people about being offensive should take place, then I think the report button should be removed. It's just like what you said, if you don't like the fact that people can report, then don't allow the reporting function.

Are you seeing yourself or are you just the type that only knows how to judge another but not yourself. You don't even know me but you know about me being offended the moment I woke up?

Did I stepped on your tail? I wasn't even in a conversation with you but you got to budge in like that and make accusations. Who's te one looking for a fight? You came and you attack, and suddenly I am the one looking for a fight. You just have the most twisted mind ever.

[MVPlaya]

If it was that easy, I wouldn't be telling stuff here. I seriously loved her and was seeking of a way to make some changes on both sides. If everytime people are not satisfied with their partner, they just break up, then it shouldn't be called commitment. It is also not a surprise why there are lots of divorce cases out there. I am an Asian, and we believe in working things out no matter how hard until a state when we know it's totally impossible.

You are dating her, not married to her. You date people to find someone who a partner you want to marry, by now it should be really clear that this is not the partner for you.

This is not an issue of culture, this is an issue of common sense. You cannot change this girl, not only will she insult you, she will tell you to shut up or do something else when you talk to her, and when you try to say something she acts childish and puts her finger in her ears.

If you are both only in this relationship because you think you have to be in this relationship, then you are both prisoners to some ridiculous cultural belief. Tell me this, what is she doing to fight for your relationship? I can tell you already: nothing.

You are doing everything and she ignores you and insults you the whole process. You do not have any ability to change this girl. To some degree, it is worth fighting for a relationship, but only if its a relationship worth saving. Yours is not, yours was never a relationship worth getting into.

You cannot change her mind or her opinion, she is stubborn, disrespectful, and doesn't care about your opinion. Even her sister tells you she's a selfish brat, if her sister can't do it, what odds do you have?

This girl is used to being treated like a princess because she's pretty, and getting away with whatever she wants. She has no emotional maturity and is nothing but a petty brat.

You know why people have divorces? Because divorce is healthy. Some couples are not meant to be together. If you stay married to her for 50 years that is not proof of how good your marriage is, it would be proof that you are too stubborn to admit something is terrible and needs to end. A lot of couples stay together even though they have horrible relationships, just to pretend everything is fine. Life is not about pretending, life is about doing the right thing. And the right thing is leaving this girl.

[onemessedup]

But this is the thing though, you are not lucky... you sound miserable, man. I feel for you.

You cannot believe that just because this girl is pretty that it is worth anything to be in a relationship with her. Personality is very important, and you are making a superficial decision which is hurting you.

As long as your girlfriend knows that you will never have the courage to stand up to her or leave her, as long as she knows that solely by being pretty (for which she has to do nothing) you will stay by her side and want her, then she can do whatever she wants. And if 'whatever she wants' means insult you, hurt you, swear at your mother, emotionally bait and taunt you, then she'll do it. This is not only an unhealthy relationship, it is downright awful.

You need to grow a sack of nuts and dump this girl. If you cannot show a woman that you have certain rules in life that they must abide by, they will walk all over you. You have to be willing to enforce these rules on women, otherwise you will never have the kind of relationship you want.

If you can get this selfish primadonna to be in a relationship with you, then you can always find someone else. But honestly, if I had to choose between being single for a year or dating your girlfriend, no matter how hot she is, I'd be single.

You know, the walking all over me thing, has been forewarned to me by a few of her friends that were there throughout her past relationships.

I ignorantly tell them, no she's different now. They tell me : Suit yourself. I just hope you can handle it. I really don't see this coming.

You are right. But you know what? My balls are growing pretty slowly....I guess it's my deficiency. I am still living in denial hoping that there can be a hope with her. But her sister tells me this : She won't change, she hasn't change for the past 29 years and we've tried, what makes you think you can change her??

My again ignorant reply was : I think I can, watch me do it.

I think I was over confident in that part believing love can do miracle.

[MVPlaya]

You know, the walking all over me thing, has been forewarned to me by a few of her friends that were there throughout her past relationships.

I ignorantly tell them, no she's different now. They tell me : Suit yourself. I just hope you can handle it. I really don't see this coming.

You are right. But you know what? My balls are growing pretty slowly....I guess it's my deficiency. I am still living in denial hoping that there can be a hope with her. But her sister tells me this : She won't change, she hasn't change for the past 29 years and we've tried, what makes you think you can change her??

My again ignorant reply was : I think I can, watch me do it.

I think I was over confident in that part believing love can do miracle.

There is only one way to get this girl to change her behavior:

show her you won't tolerate it

As long as you tolerate it no amount of love or help will get her to change her mind. You just need to tell her, do it one more time and I'll break up with you. And if she does it, break up with her. Either she will change, or she will be a miserable woman for the rest of her life.

Either way, you move on to something better.