3 years lost. I need some advice on how to cope with it.

[Bo]

you wanna know the truth? There's absolutely nothing anyone on here or myself can tell you that will make you feel better other than momentarily. Just give yourself time and lots of it, i know how it feels to not be able to talk to anyone. Lonely as hell...it sucks i know. I know it sounds mean but i'd suggest kicking her out of your place even though that'll be really hard for you since you care about her so much....But she doesn't deserve you obviously, a bit selfish and you don't need that in your life. And it's hard to believe but just look at what she's doing to you right now, you're here miserable while she's off doing her own thing?

[Azzmatic]

Don't worry. I know its hard but we have all been in similar situations, and I am going through a breakup like process right now. What are you talking about, that you dont have anyone to talk to! Talk to us!

I know its hard, but do what i'm doing. Try not to think about her. You will get over it. Believe me, you will. And so will I.

[swargolet]

Thanks guys.
There hasnt been any improvement. She tries to talk to me but everytime I look into her face I get disgusted. I really want to be friends for a couple reasons. 1. Besides these past couple months she was a great person. Always there to listen and comfort. 2. I know I have you guys to talk to but it is obviously different. 3. I dont want to have family get togethers to be awkward.

I know she cares about me but for her to go out and do this crap is just wrong. I think it would be a little more accepted if she was older and didn't live with me.

I would LOVE to stay somewhere else over summer and breaks but the college I go to is a ghost town during those times. Almost no one stays over summer and breaks and even over weekends. So this summer I'm almost positive I'll have to come home. If I transfer to this other college UW-Madison, then I know for sure that I will have an apartment or house with some friends and I'd stay there. I have actually already been offered a place with my friends if I transfer, but that transferring crap is a whole other story.

Someone mentioned that it wasn't 3 years lost but 3 years gained. Now I totally agree with that. I have learned a ton and I am still learning a ton.

It is still extremely hard to not try and be friends with someone you see everyday multiple times a day. She claims she has no clue what to say or do. All she has been saying is "o I'm soo sorry, I dont want to hurt you". Well it is too late for that, and if you don't want to hurt me you would think before acting. And things she could do, hmmm... Maybe not lie and keep promises. As we all know, once you have sex once it is pretty much a "as much as possible" type of thing. Well it is at her age. Whenever you get the chance you go for it. So I know it will happen again and again. Also her friend told me that she asked the guy if he thought it was time and if he wanted to. What 17 year old guy would say no!?!? Seriously? That is just a stupid thing to even ask.
Well I will get back to you guys whenever possible. I think she has to come with me on some errands today which sucks but there is no other option. Maybe something will happen on the drive. Hopefully not something really bad.

[1averagejoe]

I know she cares about me but for her to go out and do this crap is just wrong. I think it would be a little more accepted if she was older and didn't live with me.

No she doesn't care about you. If she cared about you she wouldn't have pulled the shit she done. And she's still pulling shit on you. She's very manipulative.

Also stop thinking or worrying about that guy it's not your problem. She's not your friend, she lost your trust. Just ignore her as much as you can, try to get out of the house as much as you can. Just get rid of her for the time being till you move out to college again.

[swargolet]

Ah joe, I wish it was that easy. If my mom was still alive I could go live with her for the summer or during this break. Her fiance still lives there and I know for a fact he'd let me stay, but it is too hard to even walk up to that house.

The thing is she does care. You were 17 once, you know what it is like to go through puberty and always being horny. I think 75% of her wasn't thinking and the other 25% just didnt care. I know she cares because other things she has done shows she cares and she has always been the caring type. I'm just thinking that her "seeing what else is out there" just pretty much meant "I want to see what it is like to have sex with other guys".
I just don't know what to do right now. I'm afraid that if I keep my distance to make it easier now, that I'll lost a potentially great friend. I'm also afraid that if we try to make this friendship work, I'll always look at her in a bad way and really in the end the friendship will fail.
There are just so many factors to think about and none of them lead to a simple conclusion. I have been taking in all your advice since I know right now my judgment is clouded. Really if I didn't take any of your advice I probably wouldn't even be second guessing trying to keep a friendship.

[mad_love]

I've read your story (phew, took me ) and I must admit, its a crappy situation.

However...

At age of 19 or 17 love and feelings to others are one thing. When you'll grow older you'll see them transforming into something totally different. You guys are both young and theres a lot out there for you yet to come. What I'm trying to say is that evethough she probably feels like she isn't doing anything wrong, she could be inflicting some damage...and she is. Hell, when I was 25 I didn't know what I was doing...17?!

Don't hate her, don't blame her, she'll learn in time. But thats not relevant now. What you should do is, as mentioned in the posts above, trying to keep yourself occupied with stuff you like to do. Sports, hanging out, hobbies...try things you wanted but never had a chance. Nows the time. You'll feel like it's hard to start but try to force yourself into it a bit, eventually, it'll go by itself. Your main focus atm should be you...yourself.

As for the "comming back home" part...well, it seems inevitable, true. But still, try to avoid as much confrontation as you can. Do your best here, trust me, it will help you.

Now, cuddling, having sex, holding hands and stuff like that - say a big no to that my friend. Even if it feels like a relief, even if it seems like it will help you through for a moment - it wont. You'll have to go cold turkey. It's like drugs really...it makes you feel better but it will also make you yearn for more and more and more.

I'm going through something simmilar at the moment and I limited having contacts with my ex to the minimum. Sure, it felt (still does!!) like I'm loosing something valuable, a potential friend...but that is the only way. And as for being friends...mate, ex lovers will never be true friends looking from the point of view of a person that "got dumped". Not in the near future at least.

So, head up, get yourself a goal, do stuff you like and believe me, eventually you'll find all this just a good experience!

[swargolet]

Thanks Madlove.
I knew that the love I had for her and the feelings I had, although were strong, they probably are nothing compared to what I will feel when I have someone I consider a wife (at least I hope so ) And yes she has no clue what she is doing to me because she has actually never been dumped like this and she has never been treated like carp afterward.
The hard thing for me is she is acting like everything is fine, like what she did wasn't bad. I try explaining it to her and she says she understands but just like you said she is 17 and doesn't know what she is doing. She keeps claiming that she cares and I can tell that she cares but only a certain amount. She cares enough to not tell me what happens with her. I just wish she'd care enough to pretty much think about what she is doing and how it'd effect me. It isn't like I can completely avoid it.
I hope she learns because if not then she is in for a rough ride.

I have been trying to keep as busy as possible. I've hung out with friends almost every day since I've been home, I've continued with some of my hobbies, but there are still times when I can't help but think about it. Everyone has those times since it isn't possible to completely forget about it.

I think now the hardest part for me is to try and keep my distance. I logically know it is the correct thing to do, but for some reason I just want to stay close. It is probably like you said, it feels like a relief even though it will just end up hurting more. I'm just looking to her way too much for support and comfort and I know I shouldn't be it is just extremely hard since I do see her everyday.
Today I pulled a stupid... I went out to run some errands. She had to run some errands also and they happened to be on the way to mine. So I drove her and her sister to a store dropped them off then I did my crap. I picked them up later and then we went out to go eat. We did talk like usual and really my main point of this talk was to ask her to at least try and clean up her act or at least make it a little easier for me. If she really cared about me then she would.
She said that she doesn't really know what she can do or say. The only thing that comes to mine is to say sorry. I honestly dont know what I would do either if I was in her place. The only thing I'm thinking she could do is break-up with the other guy but that isn't right at all and it wont solve anything. She mentioned that we should try and go out like we used to (not dates, just hang out) and then my mind would be off of the other guy. I just think that if we do this then I will want to date her again and just get those feelings back which would be worse.
Really the best thing to do is just end it completely and cut her out of my life as much as possible. I just dont know if I can personally do that.
Who knows maybe this will be able to work out like this. I hope it can but I doubt it.

[Muffin Princess]

My ex was 17 when we first got together, I was 21. We were together for over five years and he only broke up with me three weeks ago. Being 17 doesn't necessarily always mean you don't know what you want...

[mad_love]

@ Muffin Princess: of course not. But lessons life gives you make you accept certain things and deal with certain situations better. And as I said - broken heart is broken heart, no matter the age. In my oppinion the emotional part of an individual remains the same - it's the rational one that grows with age...

@ swargolet:

I know exactly how you feel - I feel completely the same. I know I have to break it but a part of me keeps yellin it's wrong. And it feels wrong too. And yes, I want to stay close too...

A wounded animal will go and seek refuge to heal and protect itself from whatever represents a threat. Only when healed, it will go back and enjoy the life. Try to picture things I mentioned as a medicine - it will help you, even if it doesn't feel so right now. You're saying there are moments when you can't avoid her completely - of course, it must be hard and painfull. There will be more, you have to know that, but eventually it will fade away...you wont even know when it happened.

And do not spend time with her unless really neccessary. As mentioned, she's not aware of the pain she's causing to you and that's exactly why you should consider her even more dangereous.

Ok, perhaps I overdramatised a bit (sorry for that) but I'm just trying to illustrate how important it is for you to deal with yourself and yourself only atm.

Holding my fingers crossed for you mate!

Take good care

[MisterFlapJack]

I've been following your story since your last thread and man, you've been through a lot. I'm hoping everything works out for you. Like what everyone else has been saying, just stay busy and keep hanging out with friends. Your heart probably isn't ready yet, but finding another girl will definitely be good for you. This girl doesn't deserve your friendship. If you all you did was be good to her and she returns the favor by stabbing you in the heart then twisting it, she doesn't deserve you.

Just stay strong and it will all get better with time. Good luck

[swargolet]

Well not much is new. I have been trying to keep my distance. You guys probably saw the topic I posted about feelings in a break-up.
This distance thing is going to be the hardest thing to do, but I know it will be best. I just hope it doesnt ruin any potential friendship we could have had. I actually think that if anything it isn't the distance that will ruin it, it was/are her actions that will.

Really almost all the feelings are gone except the feeling I get when my mind roams back to the night she was with that guy. I try not to think about it but it is just so damn hard not to. I'm trying to think of ways to get it out of my head. Also it sucks because I know that she isn't going to stop. She'll just continue doing it just not tell me. 2 fricken weeks into a 2nd relationship. Wow!

[mad_love]

I'm affraid you'll have to let go of the idea of "potential friendship" too. First of, you will never see her as a friend even if you might think so (at least not soon). Second, you still subconsciously want her near you -> that explains the "wanting to be friends part"...no good!

No one is saying you won't be friends anymore. There's absolutely no reason to think so but it can only happen when you're trully over her. You'll know when that happens. Now's just too soon...give it some time

Good luck!

[swargolet]

See I completely agree, it all comes down to if I can really do it.

The main reason I want to stay good friends is because she is the main person I go to for problems. Like I said at the beginning of this whole thread, she kinda became my mom (well support-wise).

It also isn't just me that wants to be friends she does also and is making an effort but just makes this idiotic choices that really mess everything up. I told her that we should try and keep our distance up until about the last week I'm at home. Im going back to college on the 24th I believe so really that last week I want to just sit down and talk with her sometime and see where we see things progressing. If we can both handle a friendship then we will pursue it, if not then we will go our separate ways. Well as much as we can.
Also a semi-friendship has to happen since she is pretty much a part of my family. You can't completely avoid someone. So yes it will just take time. AHH everything takes time! I hate it!
O well, I guess it is the best thing right now. I just wish she would control herself for my sake, but she will do what she wants to do and I can't stop her.

[Gigabitch]

The main reason I want to stay good friends is because she is the main person I go to for problems.

Stop that immediately. Now you go to LoveForum for problems. It's simpler- you've never dated LoveForum.

Like I said at the beginning of this whole thread, she kinda became my mom (well support-wise).

Eeew. No. Just.... no.

[swargolet]

Ha! gigabitch I think you took that mom statement the wrong way. I dont know how much of this thread you read but half way through my the relationship I lost my mom and my gf was there for me so any problems I'd usually go to my mom for I'd go to my gf for, so that is what I mean by she became my "mom".

Yes I should stop going to her for my problems right now, but I think it will be OK to go to her once all the feelings for her have gone. Now what if I date loveforum.net can I no longer go to them? It is completely different typing up things like this over the internet opposed to talking to someone directly, which is why I'm trying to become closer to my friends.