Ever love someone, but hate their child?

[Mish]

I don't think "negotiation" is a word that applies to someone else's kid. "Acceptance" is much more appropriate.

I think "Negotiation" is a word that applies when there is an issue in a relationship that needs to be resolved. "Acceptance" is not a solution if it's going to cause contempt and passive aggressive behaviour.

[shh!]

If he can't get to a place of acceptance, that's when her boot is supposed to come into play. Time to kick him to the curb.

This is her CHILD. She is RESPONSIBLE for him. Some dopey boyfriend has no role here. This is a take-it-or-leave it scenario. Trust me when I tell you that if you had a child being raised by your ex, you would want her to take this position. How'd you like some flavor-of-the-month coming in and telling your wimpy ex how to discipline your child?

[Mish]

If he can't get to a place of acceptance, that's when her boot is supposed to come into play. Time to kick him to the curb.

This is her CHILD. She is RESPONSIBLE for him. Some dopey boyfriend has no role here. This is a take-it-or-leave it scenario. Trust me when I tell you that if you had a child being raised by your ex, you would want her to take this position. How'd you like some flavor-of-the-month coming in and telling your wimpy ex how to discipline your child?

I agree that he should leave. I advice to negotiate, to state his case and state his reasons (some of which are reasonable). If she doesn't agree, then they should part ways.

On an off hand note, I believe if a mother can't negotiate her child rearing startegies with potential partners then she should just stay single. If she wants a partner, then she has to open up to the idea that he will play some role in the life of her child, some of which will involve discipline.

As far as potential me, ex and child scenario goes, interesting. It will depend on the situation and nature of the split I guess. If I was actively seeing the child on 50/50 basis then I agree with you. If she took full custody and barred my visits then I'd prefer my child grow up with some form of reasonable discpline > than be spoilt.

[shh!]

Perhaps you forgot that this guy used the word "hate" to describe his feelings for this little, tiny kid. Do you really expect there can be a reasonable form of discipline with someone who talks this way? And what makes you think this kid really IS so horrible? Perhaps his feelings about the kid are skewing his perceptions. He is probably a pretty normal 3 year old, and this guy just doesn't know it because he doesn't have any kids.

Anyway, no way would I allow anyone other than my kid's father to intervene this way. Even if this turns out to be a keeper of a relationship (which I doubt), outsiders playing a role in discipline breeds GREAT resentment from the kids, and I don't blame them.

[Mish]

Perhaps you forgot that this guy used the word "hate" to describe his feelings for this little, tiny kid. Do you really expect there can be a reasonable form of discipline with someone who talks this way? And what makes you think this kid really IS so horrible? Perhaps his feelings about the kid are skewing his perceptions. He is probably a pretty normal 3 year old, and this guy just doesn't know it because he doesn't have any kids.

That's posible too. If he is the one being unreasonable then his negotiation strategy will eliminate him as a partner all together. If the child is a normal 3 year old and being raised well, then this guy doesn't have a ground to stand on. If the child is being spoilt and becomes unruly though (hits his mother, throws things around as described) then it would be in child's best interest if some form of discipline was applied (Even if it's just by the mother on this guy's advice)

Anyway, no way would I allow anyone other than my kid's father to intervene this way. Even if this turns out to be a keeper of a relationship (which I doubt), outsiders playing a role in discipline breeds GREAT resentment from the kids, and I don't blame them.

Fair enough. It all depends on the individual in the end I think.

[Chris660]

By the way, how old are you both?

I am 27
She is 22

[Chris660]

I see she has the full right to bring her child the way she wants. you are not his dad and she did nt ask you to carry his responsibility with her neither financially nor morally. I cant believe you do not love a three year old child ... it is normal for 2-3 years old children to explore the world around them. Doctors call this age terrible twos and it doesnt stop until he is 4 . So bear with it sometime and let her know your point of view. Do you imagine she will throw her kid for you? No , you will never respect her if she did that and she cant restrain a couple of years old kid for you. I am sure if he ws your son, you would have give him all the excused in the world. Search within yourself, do you really like the idea of her having a kid from someone else?

never wanted her to throw away the kid for me. just notice we have an extremely different attitiude toward raising kids. If he was my son, I would not allow him to act like this. Don't assume. I was in a previous relationship with a girl with a child and i loved the child. she was a great kid. this one is not.

[Gribble]

He's not your son, though. You just have to accept that. If you can't, move on.

It isn't possible to love a woman and hate her child. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

[Cain]

Honestly, I'd have a hard time getting involved with a woman that had a child. I would have a hard time accepting that no matter what, her child will always come first and I'll never be able to discipline the child.

[shh!]

What's with you men? So many of you can't wait to "discipline" someone else's kid... yikes. I think clearskies may be on to something... is this really more about some deep-seated issue of her having a child by someone else?

[Mish]

What's with you men? So many of you can't wait to "discipline" someone else's kid... yikes. I think clearskies may be on to something... is this really more about some deep-seated issue of her having a child by someone else?

Personally I can't wait to discpline kids I'm involved with if they start getting out of control. Most likely these kids will be my own, because I avoid single mothers at all cost. What can I say, I just can't stand out of control children.

[shh!]

Yes, but you are a control freak. I was kind of hoping the rest of the male population was less so.

[Cain]

I'm sorry, but I'm not going to be involved in a kid's life if I can't discipline them, hence the reason I won't be involved with a single mother. I'm not going to pay to raise a child that I can't discipline when they get out of control.

[shh!]

Good...don't. I have no problem with males not wanting to sign up for that - in fact, I encourage single males to avoid dating mothers. It is a huge responsibility that is generally thankless. Why bother?

[Mish]

Yes, but you are a control freak. I was kind of hoping the rest of the male population was less so.

I hope the rest of the male population has similar ethics when it comes to discipline. There's enough out of control spoilt "I am the centre of the universe" kids out there. The kids will thank them later.