Marriage - How does it benifit men?

[lesa]

Wait Indig, are you happily married?

Happily divorced several times.

I do want to ask advice from her and others who have divorced. I don't want to divorce. I wonder what can I do to reduce my risk? I know the experience of others can help me possibly. I should make a separate thread...

[Mish]

So what do I tell a man that already has everything marriage has to offer, to make him want to tie the knot?

There is not a lot you can tell if he has already made up his mind. You may need to face the fact that you will have to accept this.

Though if you wanted to argue semantics with him you could say that marriage protects children better than a non marital relationship by giving them automatic legal recognition, cultural acceptance and significance and psychological benefits. There are also studies (no links of the top of my head) that show marriages last longer than non marital relationships because people in general put a lot more effort to work on their marriages than non marital relationships.

[Aeradalia]

There is not a lot you can tell if he has already made up his mind. You may need to face the fact that you will have to accept this.

Though if you wanted to argue semantics with him you could say that marriage protects children better than a non marital relationship by giving them automatic legal recognition, cultural acceptance and significance and psychological benefits. There are also studies (no links of the top of my head) that show marriages last longer than non marital relationships because people in general put a lot more effort to work on their marriages than non marital relationships.

But this relationship already has considerable effort being put forth... if anything... housemouse's relationship is a blatant exception to the rule...

If you want the children to be protected... you can set up the paperwork without having to get married... same holds true for protecting you and your children in the event of his death... almost all of the legal benefits of a marriage can be set up without having to be married.

Ever considered that your relationship is a success because you two aren't married? Perhaps he likes knowing he could leave easily and that's why he stays... he's comfortable knowing that he is with you because he's not forced into it... all of these years it has always been because he wanted to stay... not because of a law-binding contract.

Just a friendly warning... you're playing with fire by pressing the marriage issue... there is something fundamental here that he doesn't like and it might lead to the ruin of your relationship.

[misombra]

well i'm not married but i'm probably most like you than anyone else here because i've been with somebody, unmarried, for the same amount of time you have. the only difference is i don't have kids. but i wouldn't go saying that i would have to be married before i have kids. if you use those arguments that mish stated, if the guy thinks anything the way i do, which i think he does, those will not be enough.

the only good reason i could see marrying the guy i'm with is if it would make him happy. that's the best reason anybody could give.

also vashti gave advice. she said he probably wouldn't do it.

[Mish]

Ah there we go. Try to mention something in favour of marriage and the anti-marriage army is right here.


HouseMouse, take the best advice you can from here that you think will work for you and then use it in your conversation with your guy. Just be gentle, no accusations. Worse comes to worst you may need to get used to the idea that he's just not a marrying type and you will need to decide whether to learn to live with it or leave.

[misombra]

i'm not anti-marriage. i'm just anti doing it for the wrong reasons.

i like to think of myself as "realistic."

[CAM]

We wouldn't be discussing benefits to one or the other, per se, if we were talking about marriage (as opposed to what the State calls "marriage"). The latter is what was the purpose of the thread...namely, understanding a secular contractual relationship. If marriage is secular contract, then the answer to your question is: it is all highly circumstantial. In other words, it would depend on what you offer and what he wants and vice versa. So, lets say you're a drop dead gorgeous brunette who can't cook...well, then I'd bet it was your looks that did it for him.

But, a church-based marriage is viewed not as a contract with a mate but rather a contract with God...it is a sacrament. In this case, it is viewed exactly as Indi mentioned...one is obligated to each other for reasons that are not highly circumstantial but rather permanent and lasting. The birth of a child within the church-based marriage contract is now a sacred act with obligations within a family unit and between a family and God. In is not an issue of what "he" gets out of the marriage--it is an issue of what "we" must do to please God--the majority stakeholder in the marriage.

Realize--I'm explaining here...not proselytizing.

Since the church-basis for marriage is not circumstantial, one remains obligated even her boobs sag or his hair falls out...marriage is a calling that transcends superficial stuff. Of course, one is waived of obligation of he or she is an abusive bastard/bitch who breaks the vows....the marriage can be annulled.

Anyway, this post is really intended to illustrate the breadth of what's at issue.

In terms of why he won't commit...well, its obvious. He's not in love and too cowardly to just say it. Being nice to you is just his way of trying to seek a peaceful resolution so he can move on.

[Lonely Island]

Marriage is just a way to prevent a break up, or having your spouse cheat on you

[CAM]

Marriage is just a way to prevent a break up, or having your spouse cheat on you

Really?? Spouses can still cheat on you after marriage...its not like marriage comes with a chastity belt. In fact, a very high percentage of married people have cheated on their spouse. As far as preventing break ups....50 percent end in divorce, so it doesn't seem to be meeting your expectations

[IndiReloaded]

I hesitate to use the word 'love' as its not nearly as important as commitment. Love changes throughout the years of marriage, sometimes even approaching hate before coming full circle. Thats not to say it isn't important or desired, it is, but commitment is the glue that keeps that cycle working during the bad patches.

Bottom line is, if there is true commitment it really shouldn't matter to him that you get married. As you correctly point out: everything else is already there anyway.

Those who claim "its just a piece of paper, so why bother" fail to see that argument goes both ways. If that is truly all it is, then the important point should be that doing it would make you happy. This was Misombra's point also, I think. Tell him what you want and why. You ARE in a committed relationship, you are allowed to ask (nicely) for what you want.

Ask him what he thinks would change with marriage. If he says 'nothing' then you can ask him why its a big deal then. If he says its not, then tell him why it IS a big deal to you and that's its something you want. If he still balks, then he's not being truthful with you, it IS a big deal to him.

[IndiReloaded]

I suppose, on thinking a bit more, I should add that I don't think that's a good reason alone to get married. Marriage just to make someone else happy, without commitment, will just lead to divorce. And it cheapens the overall purpose. It should mean something to both people.

Of course, all of these high-minded ideals only ever have the value we choose to give them. Commitment comes from the individual making it, not a piece of paper or a ceremony.

[IndiReloaded]

For those that are interested in the history of marriage, according to wiki:

[url]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage[/url]

[wuts rele hood]

im pretty sure you guys are already common law married, depending on what state you live in! yay you win!

[Lite]

There really is no actual financial gain to a man as to why to get married. None. What it typically means is that if the woman decides to leave he'll have to pay alimony and/or child support while she takes half of everything (or more)...

Unless, you know, you actually have a good relationship based on trust and love, and mutual respect rather than someone wanting the cookies but not the weight gain that comes with eating them like your guy.

Ways to convince him? Have him stop listening to those stupid guy radio shows on the drive home.

[Lahrell]

Marriage is just a way to prevent a break up, or having your spouse cheat on you

"Fun" fact is, married people often cheat alot more then unmarried people. Men get unhappy when they're married, cause they feel stolen from their freedom. (researches I read from a while ago).

Hope I put that down right. So yeah, it's a piece of paper, you tell you both love eachother to bits, and that he's a proper 'husband'. Even without paper you could still call him your husband if it's really the "boyfriend" thing you dislike.

Labels are just labels, it's you who put value to them.