Should I let her go?? Or keep on fighting for her??

[lhn]

Trust me when I say this, you wont find closure. It doesn't matter what she tells you, how you act or what other people tell you. You'll probably look for sympathy from her too which just wont be fourthcoming in the slightest.

There is nothing that will give you closure... not the type you are looking for anyway. You'll realise that in the end you don't need closure, just the ability to move on.

I don't mean to sound like a scrouge. Good luck.

[imthedjone]

do you think she is just toying with me?? that these feelings that she showed these past couple of days were fake. ?? cuz a part of me feels that way. to not look into what happened and just forget it.

[lhn]

I don't think so. Telling you that nothing will happen is the opposite of toying with you.

She enjoyed an evening with you 'like the good ol days' but thats it.

If I were you, look upon the evening and smile. When you split up I guess you would have given anything for one final night with her? Well, you just had it.
Treasure it. You're lucky

[cmacattack1]

Yeah, take it at the face value. You were together at an event, you had a great time, but that's it. She didn't ask if you wanted another shot, she didn't ask you to apologize to her, she didn't ask you to talk and compliment her. You did these things of your own accord. Look where it got you right after the break up with the emails, texts, and everything? Look where it got you when she asked you to wait and you said "Okay, I'll wait." Do you think doing this now will make things different? You are on a slippery slope to insanity my friend.

There are no mind tricks, no letters, no words, not a damn thing you can do sway this situation in your favor. You've tried, and you still think there is something you can do but you can't. You are absolutely 100 percent powerless in how she feels. You can control what you are doing though. Everything you have done has made her angry.

By doing nothing, you are actually in a better position. Why? You aren't reminding her of you and her history, the one that FAILED. She does not want to be with that same person. You are giving her space to sort things out and decide how she feels on her own. By not being around, you are actually building a more positive image of yourself as the hurt and the broken trust fades away and that you might be a different and changed person. Laws of attraction are basic in that we always want something we can't have, and you are at her every whim and throwing yourself at her with one whiff of a good time (best friends wedding). Everything you have build up and everything you have progressed to in terms of you and her were erased after you apologized and told her how beautiful she was when you were drunk. She loved hearing it, it fed her ego, but it was another example of "You were right to leave me. Look how awesome you are on your own without me." You have to be more self aware of your actions and you have to think about the consequences of your actions before you commit to a decision. Ask yourself "What is the best thing that can happen if I do this, realistically? What is the worst thing that can happen, realistically?" I emphasize the realistic part because do you honestly think a letter of apology will send her running back to you?

You are also on your own to heal and break your dependancy on her to be happy, and I know you are dependant on her, that's why you want her back so badly. You do not need her to be happy, do not act like it's a need. Nobody likes a needy person because they are acting in their own self interest, regardless of how the other person feels. Selfishness is not something you want in a partner.

You will do whatever the hell you want to no matter what I tell you. I did the same thing and I had the same results and all I have left is a lesson (and not her back). You have to swallow your pride and be willing to listen to other experiences because it can only help you out. Don't be hardheaded.

It's amazing how much we all think we know about relationships and how we all think that what we do and who we are is so much different than anybody else. But it's simply arrogance.

[ricerocket1]

way to put it in words CMA...just move on man i know it sucks that you lost her but that's just that you lost her nothing else...the more you mull over of getting her back the longer it takes for you to move on...i know when my x broke it off with me as soon as that happens i made up my mind that ill move on i won't look back and im getting better (3 months) focus and get a hold of yourself my friend you'll get through it, right now its just darkness you'll see the light soon

[charles457]

My man it sounds like she just cut you off. I think you should just move on and think of your own disclosure that you would like.

[TimeToGrowUp]

I say do what feels right, just understand the cost and that there are no guarantees.......except that you're kosher with the path you chose.

[imthedjone]

Yeah, take it at the face value. You were together at an event, you had a great time, but that's it. She didn't ask if you wanted another shot, she didn't ask you to apologize to her, she didn't ask you to talk and compliment her. You did these things of your own accord. Look where it got you right after the break up with the emails, texts, and everything? Look where it got you when she asked you to wait and you said "Okay, I'll wait." Do you think doing this now will make things different? You are on a slippery slope to insanity my friend.

There are no mind tricks, no letters, no words, not a damn thing you can do sway this situation in your favor. You've tried, and you still think there is something you can do but you can't. You are absolutely 100 percent powerless in how she feels. You can control what you are doing though. Everything you have done has made her angry.

By doing nothing, you are actually in a better position. Why? You aren't reminding her of you and her history, the one that FAILED. She does not want to be with that same person. You are giving her space to sort things out and decide how she feels on her own. By not being around, you are actually building a more positive image of yourself as the hurt and the broken trust fades away and that you might be a different and changed person. Laws of attraction are basic in that we always want something we can't have, and you are at her every whim and throwing yourself at her with one whiff of a good time (best friends wedding). Everything you have build up and everything you have progressed to in terms of you and her were erased after you apologized and told her how beautiful she was when you were drunk. She loved hearing it, it fed her ego, but it was another example of "You were right to leave me. Look how awesome you are on your own without me." You have to be more self aware of your actions and you have to think about the consequences of your actions before you commit to a decision. Ask yourself "What is the best thing that can happen if I do this, realistically? What is the worst thing that can happen, realistically?" I emphasize the realistic part because do you honestly think a letter of apology will send her running back to you?

You are also on your own to heal and break your dependancy on her to be happy, and I know you are dependant on her, that's why you want her back so badly. You do not need her to be happy, do not act like it's a need. Nobody likes a needy person because they are acting in their own self interest, regardless of how the other person feels. Selfishness is not something you want in a partner.

You will do whatever the hell you want to no matter what I tell you. I did the same thing and I had the same results and all I have left is a lesson (and not her back). You have to swallow your pride and be willing to listen to other experiences because it can only help you out. Don't be hardheaded.

It's amazing how much we all think we know about relationships and how we all think that what we do and who we are is so much different than anybody else. But it's simply arrogance.

so your saying that everything i did at the wedding just earsed all of what i did by NC? so my "effort" pretty much just pushed her away more and i lost her for good?

[ricerocket1]

imthedjone...at the end of the day your the one that has to face the consequence of your action...but in order for that to happen your going to have to realize what that is and that's the first step...sometimes in this kind of situation its better to use logic than feelings, feelings can get you killed while logic will keep you afloat. The reason people don't contact their exes not just because they want to move on but to self reflect on their selves and prioritize what's best for them, this girl you fell inlove with and this girl now is different, your going to have to realize that and the sooner the better. i know its hard but its suppose to be how else were suppose to learn from it right?

[cmacattack1]

so your saying that everything i did at the wedding just earsed all of what i did by NC? so my "effort" pretty much just pushed her away more and i lost her for good?

In a manner of speaking, yeah I think it did bring you back to square one. You said you were with her, had a great time, felt connected and everything. That was both of you enjoying each other's company again and finding what you liked in each other again. Then you brought up your relationship in the letter of apology. Just put a negative spin on everything and showed you were still hanging onto the past. If you ever wanted a future with her, you would want to start a new relationship. Not get back together. It would be impossible to get back together because you are (or should be) a new person than the guy before. Seeing as you are still talking about the old relationship, it just seems like you are exhibiting you are the same guy. Especially if you said that "you've changed" and everything. If you changed, you wouldn't feel like you need to vocalize it or say it. It's in your confidence and it's noticeable to those who know you. And who doesn't know you better than your ex?

She will not want to be back with that same guy. With these kinds of situations, it would be wise for her to bring up the relationship first before you do. I feel like she called your bluff and you folded. If you really made a conscious effort to better yourself, I just think that you wouldn't be in this situation right now. And if you look at the big picture, 5 months isn't a long time. From my experiences and from what I've seen and read about others, one year is usually a good minimum of NC. And that is if you didn't do any embaressing behavior during the break up (anger, begging <--something I did, etc.). Than it's much longer.

Of course you can't help the bump in. Which you did, and I think that the wedding could have worked in your favor if you took it exactly as it was, just a good time. You ever notice your girlfriend complaining about an ex that still contacts her, or make fun of them, etc. etc. You don't want to be that person and you know that doesn't work. That's the frustrating part, there is nothing you can do to get them to contact you. They will have to choose to on their own. Keeping up that poker face and being that fun awesome person they used to enjoy is good thing. Negativity is bad.

The point was to put some space between your relationship in the past and now. Those 5 months that you could have been building yourself up in your ex's eyes are just now apologies. And the more you do something, the less effective it is each time. Going into NC now again, while it's your only option, won't be bought as easy with her after she's seen how you are after 5 months.

I hope you are ready for the long haul buddy. Chasing after some other options are some of my recommendations, even if you still have feelings for her. You never know what you are going to find, and she's doing it even if she still has feelings for you. Sorry if this hasn't been a very positive post, at least you felt like you had that connection again (although she could be seeing it as different) and if she still feels that way after some time, you may have a chance. But you have no way to know and if you wait around for her, you could be let down. You go out there, do your thing, if you meet somebody else great. Even if your ex comes back, you have somebody. But she might not. Waiting around won't help.

You ever seen that movie 500 Days of Summer? That expectations vs. reality scene is brutal.

[ricerocket1]

AMEN to that CMA

[lhn]

In a manner of speaking, yeah I think it did bring you back to square one. You said you were with her, had a great time, felt connected and everything. That was both of you enjoying each other's company again and finding what you liked in each other again. Then you brought up your relationship in the letter of apology. Just put a negative spin on everything and showed you were still hanging onto the past. If you ever wanted a future with her, you would want to start a new relationship. Not get back together. It would be impossible to get back together because you are (or should be) a new person than the guy before. Seeing as you are still talking about the old relationship, it just seems like you are exhibiting you are the same guy. Especially if you said that "you've changed" and everything. If you changed, you wouldn't feel like you need to vocalize it or say it. It's in your confidence and it's noticeable to those who know you. And who doesn't know you better than your ex?

She will not want to be back with that same guy. With these kinds of situations, it would be wise for her to bring up the relationship first before you do. I feel like she called your bluff and you folded. If you really made a conscious effort to better yourself, I just think that you wouldn't be in this situation right now. And if you look at the big picture, 5 months isn't a long time. From my experiences and from what I've seen and read about others, one year is usually a good minimum of NC. And that is if you didn't do any embaressing behavior during the break up (anger, begging <--something I did, etc.). Than it's much longer.

Of course you can't help the bump in. Which you did, and I think that the wedding could have worked in your favor if you took it exactly as it was, just a good time. You ever notice your girlfriend complaining about an ex that still contacts her, or make fun of them, etc. etc. You don't want to be that person and you know that doesn't work. That's the frustrating part, there is nothing you can do to get them to contact you. They will have to choose to on their own. Keeping up that poker face and being that fun awesome person they used to enjoy is good thing. Negativity is bad.

The point was to put some space between your relationship in the past and now. Those 5 months that you could have been building yourself up in your ex's eyes are just now apologies. And the more you do something, the less effective it is each time. Going into NC now again, while it's your only option, won't be bought as easy with her after she's seen how you are after 5 months.

I hope you are ready for the long haul buddy. Chasing after some other options are some of my recommendations, even if you still have feelings for her. You never know what you are going to find, and she's doing it even if she still has feelings for you. Sorry if this hasn't been a very positive post, at least you felt like you had that connection again (although she could be seeing it as different) and if she still feels that way after some time, you may have a chance. But you have no way to know and if you wait around for her, you could be let down. You go out there, do your thing, if you meet somebody else great. Even if your ex comes back, you have somebody. But she might not. Waiting around won't help.

You ever seen that movie 500 Days of Summer? That expectations vs. reality scene is brutal.

An absolutely blistering post full of EXACTLY the right answer. I couldn't have written better myself.
Love & attraction are so fickle. Put one foot wrong and it can all vanish!

I really hope she comes back to you but like CMA said, it would have to be a new relationship, not continuing from before. Make yourself attractive to her. Be cool.

[cmacattack1]

I know it feels like a game and not genuine to just pretend like everything is okay and not tell her how you feel. When they dumped you though, they were focusing on one thing: their own self. I know you feel like only she can make you better, and while that's true, anything she did would be out of pity or guilt.

I've been in the same boat and I've done so much irreversible damage. I completely screwed up our break up, which is still part of the relationship technically. She said she wanted space, and I showered her with attention. I wrote her letters, apologized a million times, told her how I felt. There was one occasion where she called me to bitch me out about the last letter I wrote her because she took it as "oh you KNOW you are getting a second chance?" I told her straight up that I wasn't going to wait around and that I was willing to work on it if she wanted to.

Two weeks later I got a sad call from her talking about giving her brother's game back. She sounded upset and I read into it. Big mistake. A week later I asked how she was doing and if she wasn't angry, give me a call. She did, I told her how I felt, how much I cared about her, and inflated her ego basically. I went out of my way and folded. That's when she told me "I have a new boyfriend, he is nice, treats me right, we are taking it slow, I'm over you, you need to do the same."

And even after she would still text and ask me to see her and I was so tempted and running high on emotion that I would have even after that bombshell.

I know it's too late to take back anything you did, I did the same. The only thing that you can and should be doing is No Contact. The longer the better. Time to rebuild your image and potential in her eyes. You absolutely can and should not try to contact her in any way, shape or form. Like I said she will have to contact you when she wants to, and take everything as what it is. If she says hi, just say hi back. If she wants to talk about the relationship, then it's okay.

I used to think maybe I'll just wait six months and then if I still feel the way I do, I'll contact her. But you cannot do that. Because anything you say or do will not change how she feels. She will feel what she feels and if she feels like talking to you she will do that. There is nothing you can do.

[TimeToGrowUp]

If she says hi, just say hi back. If she wants to talk about the relationship, then it's okay.

CMAC, this is why I'm curious how this plays out to my situation. You saw in the steeley thread the text message she sent me. It included comments about "we had a lot of great times together" ......... I remember in one of the lone contacts we had in the previous 6-7 weeks she said she had moved on and no longer wanted to talk about "us" ........and yet she broke her own request.

How does one handle that? That's her "talking" about the relationship right?

[cmacattack1]

Ahhh you have to be careful about that kind of thing. Lots of great times together and I have moved on does not necessarily give you a green light to air out what you had on your mind. Take it as it is: she remembers the great times you had together, and she has moved on. Even if you think she isn't and she contradicting herself all over the place, let's assume for the sake of things that she has moved on.

Just in my opinion, if she still talks to you she probably still does have feelings for you. I haven't heard a single peep since I found out about my ex's boyfriend, and although she has purposely went out of her way to block me from seeing her relationship status and photos of her and her boyfriend on facebook (I guess you can do that now?) after she was rubbing it in at first, I have to take it as she still doesn't care.

She said she didn't want to talk about you two so there shouldn't really be any mention of your past. If you can see it from her point of view, you can't blame her. Just talking about it will bring up all the hurt of the past and she probably hasn't dealt with it yet. Even though she was more than wrong in the relationship, there isn't anything you can do or say to really change her mind. She has to come to terms with it on her own, and only then will she be ready to talk to you. That's why it's difficult because you don't know if or when that can ever happen. Anything she says or does doesn't mean anything about you two, don't get trapped into that reading into it to see if she has feelings. That will get you into some serious trouble.

The longer you are apart and have NC in place, the better off you are in her eyes. Take everything she says as whatever it is, response is minimal (and not at all if she isn't talking to you) and eventually when she is ready she will talk about it. Having another boyfriend and talking to you is bullshit and you may get sick of it beforehand. I would kind of give her the business on that respect.