Will he take me back?

[Luca]

Thanks....I think you are right. I am such a wimp when dealing with "talks". I hate it. The only "talks" I ever initiate are when I want to end a relationship or am upset with something.

I have never been the one to bring up the "where is this going" or "I want to be exclusive" discussion. It is scary!!

[Gigabitch]

I think NOT having those talks is scary. I hate not knowing exactly where I stand.

[Perryville]

Luca, If you do have a talk with him, you need to be completely up-front about it. That means everything, including the new guy. If you want this to work, you have to show respect for him, and admit your mistakes. If you try to evade the truth, then the relationship will go nowhere.

[Luca]

Um, I agree with the earlier posters who said mentioning the guy I went out with a couple of times confuses the issue. If I had slept with that guy, or if we were still seeing eachother I would mention it, but as it stands I only hung out with him a couple of times and for all the physical contact we had we may as well have been friends.

I am assuming my ex saw and/or even slept with a few women while we were apart. For all I know he still is........ I just want to know if we can go back to being exclusive (and I guess that he is std free? though we have always used condoms). I don't want to have a show and tell of all the people we have spent time with in the interim.

[Gigabitch]

The fact that you didn't sleep with the guy and aren't seeing him any more makes him a non-issue. Unless you and your bf have a "clearing of the air" talk (which I highly recommend but I don't see you guys actually doing), there's no reason he should come up. As a previous poster said, you were single.

If he asks, though, or even hints that he wants to know, you should tell him.

[Perryville]

If you want an honest relationship, you start out by being honest. Hiding things from each other will only make it easier to decieve later on. If nothing happened with the new guy, and you two were on a break, why Wouldn't you tell him? What if he finds out from somebody else? Then you will look like a cheater and liar, and any trust you had built in the interim will be broken. Take my advice, and be completely up-front.

[Perryville]

BTW, I agree with Gig, new guy isn't an issue NOW. But he could be, in a hurry, if your bf finds out from a third party. By telling your bf, "clearing the air", you make him a non-issue permanently, and your Ex-ex as well. Then all you have to think about is what both of you want. Tell the truth, and leave the baggage behind.

[Lite]

To be honest, without being brutal about it...

Not enough time has passed for you to truly have changed any of your self-sabotaging ways. Frankly he'd be stupid to take you back, regardless of how much he cares about you. If you want him back, you need to apologize, take some time to fix your own problems, and then try and regain his trust. If that even works, and you'll have to be willing to eat a lot of crow about your behavior for a long time.

Everyone likes to be the exception to the rule, but frankly most people really just aren't, and even fewer are willing to truly look introspectively and understand why the things that are broken about them are, and are willing to undergo the emotional pain of fixing it.

You're expressing remorse, but haven't said anything about what you've done to truly go about changing yourself, and change takes time. Not weeks, not days. It takes months, years of work to get better.

I know, because my wife did something similar to me before we were married. It was extremely painful for me, and when I was in proximity to her it was easy to let my guard down and resort to feeling comfortable. But, that comfort wears off eventually and the fears, the insecurities, and the mistrust sets in. That's when it gets really hard to deal with.

Frankly, he's willing to sleep with any woman that's willing to sleep with him, and well, you were the port in the storm that time.

It's probably easier if you just let him go instead of screwing yourself further emotionally without taking the time to address your personal issues that led you to screw around with an ex while you were in a committed relationship. Because, frankly once you cheat, the next time is easier. And, you always wonder from that point forward if you're capable of being loyal and monogamous.

[Luca]

I didn't cheat though. I ended the relationship before I even spoke to my ex-ex, so there wasn't even any "emotional cheating." Of course it still hurt him that I broke up with him-so I am sure he is going to have difficulty trusting me and be scared that I will leave him again.

As far as the guy I hung out with twice, I will definitely be honest later on, expecially if asked...BUT I don't think that needs to be a part of the "where is this going, I would like to get back together talk" unless he asks during that discussion if I went on a date with anyone else. I think bringing it up during that would muddy the waters. Honestly, I am thinking he probably already knows, we have mutual friends and after not hearing from him in a month, he suddenly contacted me the day after my second date with that guy. Though sometimes I swear exes have a sixth sense when it comes to such things.

I still have not had the opportunity to have that talk. I think it would be best to do so in person so I have made plans to take him out to dinner Sunday night.

[lhn]

Goodluck Luca, whatever happens. Lessons learned etc etc.

[Perryville]

Luca, Finding out about what BOTH of you have been doing since the break-up is an integral part of re-connecting. If you don't tell him, it will come back later on and bite you in the ass. Trust me, BTDT. You are the one who ended things, so it's up to you to be totally up-front with him, in order to regain his trust. He will be looking for any signs of dishonesty.

[Luca]

I really don't want to know details of what or who he has been doing since the break-up. I am sure he hasn't been sitting home alone pining away.

If he asks OF COURSE I will be honest. Basically this is along of the lines of how I am thinking I will broach the topic-"Over the past month I have had a lot of time to think about how bady I messed up by ending things with you. I have really enjoyed the time I spent with you over the past couple of days and would really, really like if we could continue to spend time together. I can't even express to you the remorse I feel for hurting you before. If there is a possibility that you think we can get back to where we were before, that is, in a committed relationship, than I am willing to do what it takes to try to achieve that."

I will then let him go from there. If he has questions over what happened I will tell him and be completely open and honest. He does not like to hear about me dating/seeing/sleeping with other people. He, like me, has one of those "I don't need details of your past in my head, all that matters is that you are with me now" attitudes towards dating. I want to give him all of the necessary information, but I also don't want to tell him things that he doesn't want to hear.

[Gigabitch]

Well, if that works for you guys, I guess it works. One of my girlfriends has a marriage like that. Me? I couldn't do it. but it takes all kinds, I guess.

When you see him on Sunday, don't chicken out or let him do the "driving". HAVE that talk, Luca. Make it happen.

[Perryville]

I'm with Gig, I would always want to have as much info as I can get, in order that I can make an informed decision. What you've said, Luca, is good, but YOU have to take the lead in this. YOU broke up, so YOU must make it right. If it were me, and you VOLUNTEERED to tell me anything I wanted to know, that would go a long way to re-establishing trust. So when you have your talk, tell him that you will tell him ANYTHING he wants/needs to know. Hold nothing back, if he wants to know it, and expect the same from him.

[Luca]

Yay! It worked!!! I didn't even have to bring up the topic either. I was being chickens**t and waiting til I had finished my wine before broaching the whole thing.

In the middle of appetizers he asked me why I was acting nervous. I replied "because I am.". He responded, "I want us to be together again." I nearly choked before telling him I did too. I asked if he wanted to talk about anything, and started to launch into a big incorherent speech. He interrupted to ask if this was something I REALLY wanted to say. When I told him I didn't know what he wanted/needed to hear about the break up he told me all that mattered was that we were together now.

We ended up having a great dinner together. I am really glad that is over with, and feeling very fortunate to have such a great guy!