Havent made love for over 3 weeks but she says she still loves me

[Albinoni]

my comments:
1) i agree with incognito. if you feel like calling her, then do it...just don't do it because you think you have to.

2) how often are you guys separated during the week? do you have any activities you do on your own? does she? i would say start involving yourself in activities so that you actually can't go all the time. if you're free, then go. if you have a run slotted for that morning, than no can do. make lunch dates with other friends...it's good to get some of your own time. just assert yourself and make it known that you have your own interests and hobbies that don't involve her all the time. if you have literally engulfed all your time and energy into this one girl, then i'm going to say back off...you shouldn't be so dependent.

3) don't play hard to get, just do like i mentioned in #2. do your own things sometimes so that you aren't free to be with her every minute she wants you to be. you guys need to learn to not be so dependent on each other and to concentrate on what makes YOU happy, not her.

it sounds like she's been in a bunch of shitty relationships with guys who took advantage of her. if this has happened more than once in her past, then i would say she might have a dependency issue as well. but now that she is with someone who is the complete opposite, she is having difficulty accepting it or allowing herself to be happy. i think you should give her her space. you sound like a nice guy, and she's lucky that you want to be there for her and help her, but i think the best way to make any progress in the sex department (and the relationship as a whole) is to make her have to come after you a little. make her want to earn your affections. if you just hand it out left and right, she's not going to want to work for it, she's going to become very selfish (which it sounds like she already has), and you are going to be miserable.

1. How can I make her come to me a little ?

2. How can I make her earn my affections ?

You see this is what I want to do, for her to miss me and really think I am not some arsehole after all and to appreciate me.

[RdHrshyKss]

1. How can I make her come to me a little ?

2. How can I make her earn my affections ?

You see this is what I want to do, for her to miss me and really think I am not some arsehole after all and to appreciate me.

both of these questions you asked are practically answered in my last post. you need to separate yourself from her a bit. girls like to earn men's affection, it makes all the effort on her part (like seducing) more worthwhile. if you are just giving her affection 24/7, even when she's being a selfish bitch in bed, she is never going to learn to appreciate you and she is not going to "come after you" like you want. you need to create some space. involve yourself in hobbies and activities that you will do with other people or by yourself. you need to assert yourself and claim some of your own independence SEPARATE from her. things that you can find pleasure in WITHOUT her. the more you become involved in other activities, which will take away from all the time you have been devoting towards her, she will realize that you do have interests that exclude her. she will want to compete for your time so to speak and will end up coming after you bit by bit. you have to find a balance between doing things on your own and doing things with your gf. right now you just sound like her little puppy that she can control and manipulate easily...it's extremely unattractive and makes you look weak.

[Albinoni]

both of these questions you asked are practically answered in my last post. you need to separate yourself from her a bit. girls like to earn men's affection, it makes all the effort on her part (like seducing) more worthwhile. if you are just giving her affection 24/7, even when she's being a selfish bitch in bed, she is never going to learn to appreciate you and she is not going to "come after you" like you want. you need to create some space. involve yourself in hobbies and activities that you will do with other people or by yourself. you need to assert yourself and claim some of your own independence SEPARATE from her. things that you can find pleasure in WITHOUT her. the more you become involved in other activities, which will take away from all the time you have been devoting towards her, she will realize that you do have interests that exclude her. she will want to compete for your time so to speak and will end up coming after you bit by bit. you have to find a balance between doing things on your own and doing things with your gf. right now you just sound like her little puppy that she can control and manipulate easily...it's extremely unattractive and makes you look weak.

Ok I do get and understand what your trying to say in your answer, basically your telling me to keep myself occupied with other stuff eg go out with other friends etc, do my own hobbies etc etc to get her off my mind and not sit around 24/7 thinking of her and having her on my mind, let her know and show her that I also get involved in other stuff as well and by doing so she will miss me more and want to earn and gain my respect.

Now some further Q's here (sorry to be a pain):

1. She recently bought some DVD recorder or something like that, as she's hopeless at electronics she wants me to hook it up for her to her TV, should I or let her wait ?

2. I normally stay with her over the weekend perioud lets say for 3 to 4 days, not every weekend but occasionally now and again, if she asks me to stay this coming weekend should I or say No?

3. Now the last time I stayed with her, while in bed we started to kiss passionaltely, but after 15 secs or so she pulled back and said goodnite or to put it like sort of went to sleep, well we didnt really go to sleep straight off, we chatted in general for while and
than after 20mins went to sleep, sorry to say I was a bit upset by this, I dont know perhaps she was tired, I honestly dont know. Any suggestions on what to do next time, I just hope she's not cock teasing me. Like I dont want to falsely accuse her for
stuff thats not true, but what to do next time.

4. Had a few sms's from her telling me that she loves me very much and she misses me, funny a few days ago I hadnt sms her for over 12 hrs or so, finally she sent me a sms asking me why hadnt I sms her, I told her that I was busy with other stuff in which I
really was.

[RdHrshyKss]

Now some further Q's here (sorry to be a pain):

1. She recently bought some DVD recorder or something like that, as she's hopeless at electronics she wants me to hook it up for her to her TV, should I or let her wait?

2. I normally stay with her over the weekend perioud lets say for 3 to 4 days, not every weekend but occasionally now and again, if she asks me to stay this coming weekend should I or say No?

3. Now the last time I stayed with her, while in bed we started to kiss passionaltely, but after 15 secs or so she pulled back and said goodnite or to put it like sort of went to sleep, well we didnt really go to sleep straight off, we chatted in general for while and than after 20mins went to sleep, sorry to say I was a bit upset by this, I dont know perhaps she was tired, I honestly dont know. Any suggestions on what to do next time, I just hope she's not cock teasing me. Like I dont want to falsely accuse her for stuff thats not true, but what to do next time.

4. Had a few sms's from her telling me that she loves me very much and she misses me, funny a few days ago I hadnt sms her for over 12 hrs or so, finally she sent me a sms asking me why hadnt I sms her, I told her that I was busy with other stuff in which I really was.

i don't like the "hard to get" game. putting forth all that effort to manipulate your partner seems silly to me. if you had things to preoccupy yourself with, it will become less and less necessary to do that kind of stuff because you will have legitimate reasons as to why you couldn't answer her call or hang out with her one night. things should be natural in my opinion. with that, i'll answer some of your questions:

1. i don't see a problem helping her set up her dvd recorder. rather than saying to her "sure, when do you want me to come do it", make it revolve around your schedule. say, "i'm not sure when i'll be able to get around to doing it, but when i have some free time i'll be more than happy to help you". when you do get around to installing it for her, make sure that you include her in the setup process. make a conscious effort to educate her on how installing something like that is so that she does not become dependent on you doing it for her in the future. i mean, i know how to install most devices, i think relying on a man to do all that stuff is really stupid. help her get out of that type of dependent mentality by involving her in the installation process.

2. if you don't have any plans this coming weekend, then why not? but for the next time, i'd highly recommend planning some kind of activity that would prevent you from being able to visit on her terms. if she asks you to come over next weekend, you can let her know that you appreciate the invitation but that you have some plans and you can only visit for one night or two nights or whatever. start to claim some independence from her. once you have that settled, you staying over all weekend in the future will be a hell of a lot more appreciated than it is now. you staying over a full weekend after you've made plans the past few weeks will look like you made an effort to spend some quality time with her...it won't be expected anymore.

3. next time she pulls away from you like that, just ask her "is anything bothering you? we haven't done anything intimate in a long time and i'm really worried about where this relationship is going". give her an opportunity to explain herself, and if she goes back to blaming you for things again, start explaining to her that you have bent over backwards for her, comforting her, helping her, being there for her when other men she's been with haven't. tell her that you don't appreciate how much of a double-standard there is in this relationship and that you have needs too. that your needs are being ignored and that they need to start being acknowledged or you will eventually move on.

4. once again, it sounds like your gf is at a point where she is really dependent upon your affections and pretty much expects it. this is extremely unhealthy. your life does not revolve around her. you have your own life to live and sometimes your life will prevent you from texting her right away or answering her calls. stand firm. you are pretty much going to be weening her off of you a bit. you don't want to become too distant, but you want to maintain some healthy distance. she might seem offended at first because she is used to you responding to her all the time and might not understand what your intentions might be. but stick to it, and when you do have some free time to finally respond to her, just assure her that you were busy doing other things and give her some detail in your explanation so she feels comfortable.

both of you have some habits that aren't good for the relationship. habits are always hard to get through in the beginning, but once you get over that hump the long-term advantages are great.

[Albinoni]

i don't like the "hard to get" game. putting forth all that effort to manipulate your partner seems silly to me. if you had things to preoccupy yourself with, it will become less and less necessary to do that kind of stuff because you will have legitimate reasons as to why you couldn't answer her call or hang out with her one night. things should be natural in my opinion. with that, i'll answer some of your questions:

1. i don't see a problem helping her set up her dvd recorder. rather than saying to her "sure, when do you want me to come do it", make it revolve around your schedule. say, "i'm not sure when i'll be able to get around to doing it, but when i have some free time i'll be more than happy to help you". when you do get around to installing it for her, make sure that you include her in the setup process. make a conscious effort to educate her on how installing something like that is so that she does not become dependent on you doing it for her in the future. i mean, i know how to install most devices, i think relying on a man to do all that stuff is really stupid. help her get out of that type of dependent mentality by involving her in the installation process.

2. if you don't have any plans this coming weekend, then why not? but for the next time, i'd highly recommend planning some kind of activity that would prevent you from being able to visit on her terms. if she asks you to come over next weekend, you can let her know that you appreciate the invitation but that you have some plans and you can only visit for one night or two nights or whatever. start to claim some independence from her. once you have that settled, you staying over all weekend in the future will be a hell of a lot more appreciated than it is now. you staying over a full weekend after you've made plans the past few weeks will look like you made an effort to spend some quality time with her...it won't be expected anymore.

3. next time she pulls away from you like that, just ask her "is anything bothering you? we haven't done anything intimate in a long time and i'm really worried about where this relationship is going". give her an opportunity to explain herself, and if she goes back to blaming you for things again, start explaining to her that you have bent over backwards for her, comforting her, helping her, being there for her when other men she's been with haven't. tell her that you don't appreciate how much of a double-standard there is in this relationship and that you have needs too. that your needs are being ignored and that they need to start being acknowledged or you will eventually move on.

4. once again, it sounds like your gf is at a point where she is really dependent upon your affections and pretty much expects it. this is extremely unhealthy. your life does not revolve around her. you have your own life to live and sometimes your life will prevent you from texting her right away or answering her calls. stand firm. you are pretty much going to be weening her off of you a bit. you don't want to become too distant, but you want to maintain some healthy distance. she might seem offended at first because she is used to you responding to her all the time and might not understand what your intentions might be. but stick to it, and when you do have some free time to finally respond to her, just assure her that you were busy doing other things and give her some detail in your explanation so she feels comfortable.

both of you have some habits that aren't good for the relationship. habits are always hard to get through in the beginning, but once you get over that hump the long-term advantages are great.

Re No 3 above, assume if she does this again like pull her head back from me when I start kssing her and she kissing me, I am seriosuly thinking of walking out of her room and going into the other spare room she has in her place, I tend to find this in some ways
rude to me sorry to say the least, like I am being cock teased. Sorry but I am not into those immature type of games, if she was tired than ok fair enough I understand but she's done this more than once. I know her previous bf's and relationships have been bad in the past but for heavens sake ppls dont take it out on me.

I seriously think when I slowly seperate myself from her (but not ignore her) she will come to the grip of things and start to realise and it could be a wake up call for her, well lets hope.

But like I said earlier in my post when it comes to making love this has to be a two way thing and a fair thing as well, i.e there has to be give and take on both sides and yes that also includes me.

[RdHrshyKss]

exactly, it's not fair for you to be putting forth all of this effort to help her and be there for her when she isn't doing the same for you. i wouldn't recommend walking out of the bedroom without trying to talk to her first. when she pulls away, try to open up a conversation about it. let her know that it really hurts you when she does that and you need to understand why. using the excuse that she is tired all the time is obviously not the truth...there are other things going on that she is not talking to you about. it could be that she doesn't feel that way towards you but is afraid of losing you because she enjoys your company and the affections you give her. and if this is the case, it's better you know about it sooner rather than later. you wouldn't want to continue putting forth an effort to be hurt in the end. if she is unwilling to talk, then i'd tell her that you are not willing to continue visiting her and doing things with her until she is willing to talk. if she still continue to shrug you off, i wouldn't go to the spare bedroom, i'd go home. let her know that you are no longer going to tolerate her taking advantage of you like that. that you are a human being who has needs too. if she is not willing to acknowledge them, then you're better off looking for someone else who will appreciate what you have to offer and will be more compatible with you intimately.

[Albinoni]

exactly, it's not fair for you to be putting forth all of this effort to help her and be there for her when she isn't doing the same for you. i wouldn't recommend walking out of the bedroom without trying to talk to her first. when she pulls away, try to open up a conversation about it. let her know that it really hurts you when she does that and you need to understand why. using the excuse that she is tired all the time is obviously not the truth...there are other things going on that she is not talking to you about. it could be that she doesn't feel that way towards you but is afraid of losing you because she enjoys your company and the affections you give her. and if this is the case, it's better you know about it sooner rather than later. you wouldn't want to continue putting forth an effort to be hurt in the end. if she is unwilling to talk, then i'd tell her that you are not willing to continue visiting her and doing things with her until she is willing to talk. if she still continue to shrug you off, i wouldn't go to the spare bedroom, i'd go home. let her know that you are no longer going to tolerate her taking advantage of you like that. that you are a human being who has needs too. if she is not willing to acknowledge them, then you're better off looking for someone else who will appreciate what you have to offer and will be more compatible with you intimately.

Very true what you said above. You see the fault here in this forum and I hate to say this but it lies with her and her selfishness re foreplay with m its basically non x istentent simply put it. There is nothing wrong with me at all, I have had previous gf's in the past and have managed to ejaculate without any probs what so ever, why, simple because they gave me foreplay etc and we took our time to make love, felt each other and made love and guess what, we thoroughly enjoyed it :-) But with her its rush rush bang bang and she expects it to be all over in 5 mins or so, ohhhhhhh plsssssssssss give me a break.

Some points:

1. I do still sms her or make an effort to do so everymorning to say hi, yes I want to show her that I am strong and still love her and got feelings for her.

2. My Father always told me when you can show a woman your strong she will start to respect you.

3. Quite a few times I've sent her sms asking her a question but never got an answer from her, no big deal

4. She has to understand her faults eg foreplay and not simply shrug it off.

5 , She tells me more than 3 times a day she loves me and misses me, but words are one thing, doing it is another.

6. I got an sms from her week ago telling me how she loves me and what a resposnsible husband I am, yes thats right "a husband".

7. I need to slowly but surely make her earn me if she truly loves me, yes thats right you come for me or come to me or better still if you want me well earn your stripes and get me.

8. Re staying over at her place on the weekend should I invite myself or wait for her invitation, she has mentioned to me in the past that her house is just as much mine.

[RdHrshyKss]

all i can base my advice on is what you tell me...and from what you have told me, it sounds like you are making a decent effort to make her feel loved and cared for. only problem is that you have done it so often that she has become somewhat selfish and expects it without having to reciprocate. the only way things can progress is if you sit down and talk to her about it. i know you've mentioned that she is stubborn, but don't play into her games. don't allow her to shrug you off. step your foot down and let her know that you will not tolerate her ignoring your concerns any longer.

her comment about you being a good husband just reiterates the fact that she has become extremely comfortable with you...too comfortable. you need to stir things up a bit. not in a negative way, but like i mentioned before by making yourself not as available all the time. if you feel the urge to let her know that you care for her, then go ahead and do it...but be conscious of how often you do it and how she responds. she can text you a millions times a day that she loves you...but it won't mean anything if she continues to behave the way she is. actions do speak louder than words. when you talk to her, DEFINITELY mention that.

as far as staying over her place...i'd steer clear of inviting yourself. don't plan on staying over unless she invites you. although her intentions might have been nice in telling you her house is equally yours, it eliminates the excitement. you guys are not married, so no, her house is not yours. if she wants you over, she should invite you. if she doesn't invite you over, make plans to do something with a friend of yours. like i said before, you need to make her feel like she needs to earn your attention. you aren't going to hand it out to her without her putting forth an effort.

but the most important thing you must do is to talk to her about all of this. don't give her all the specifics of what i told you, like you making other plans and such, just let that go naturally and see what happens. talk to her about the lack of intimacy in your relationship, that you don't feel like she is putting much of an effort into making you feel appreciated, and that actions do speak louder than words (you need to see an effort from her besides for texting you that she loves you or misses you every day). after that point, give her a couple weeks to try to change her outlook a bit. if nothing changes, i HIGHLY recommend you end your relationship with her and look for someone better.

[Albinoni]

Ok I need some good advice here pls and it would be greatly appreciated. My gf and I havent seen each other for almost 2 weeks now and I have had 3 sms's from her telling me that she loves me very much and misses me heaps, so far we have only be texting each other by our mobile phones and thats it. Quite surprisingly today she actually rang me (I do most of the calling all the time) and asked how i was, we had a good chat about general things etc and she even said to me on the phone that she loves me very much and misses me, anyhow after our chat I hung up and sent a her an sms asking her if she would like me to come over on the weekend and spend a few days with her to keep her company and help her out with some stuff around the house in which I know she needs doin. Well so far I havent had any reply from her re this, but I do know that she went to bed early as she has to be up at 5.30am to go to work, so ok thats understandable and prob she put her phone on silent mode so this is why she didnt reply to my sms, but I hope she does when she sees it tomorow (theres been alot of times where i have sent sms's to her and she has never made an effort to reply to them) so like I said I just hope she reads it and repies to me than to play the childish waiting game with me.

Now the other part, normally when I stay with her over the weekend I take a spare set of clothes with me to work than go str8 to her place after that, now if I dont hear from her or she hasnt bothered to check her sms msg, should I simply just go str8 to her place after work and surprise her ? Like I said she did tell me very clearly on the phone that she loves me and misses me heaps. Its just we havent seen each other for 2 weeks now apart from sms's. And also she has told me in the past before that I am also part of her life as well, I really would love to spend some time with her over the weekend.

Another Q here. A while back we discussed about living together and had a good talk over it, I did make it clear with her that i would promise to help share the rent, bills etc etc and help her with the maintenance on her house, yes I am very technical minded etc. She completely agreed with me and was happy for us both to share and live together. Anyhow about 3 weeks ago I asked her if she could give me a hand with some boxes, not a big major job just some small boxes. When I spoke to her on the phone there was a pause and she than said to me that she was not ready for me to move in as yet because she wanted time to regain herself etc, sorry to sound dumb but what does she mean by "regain herself". i know hwe past relationships have been nothing but crap, men who've used her and abused her, borrowed nmoney never payed her back, getting drunk and abusing her, so she has had a bad history of previous bf's. But when I've come into her life as her bf I've done the opposite and done alot for her left right and centre and virtually broken my back for her plus treated her like a proper human being and given her respect as well. So when she says she needs some time to regain her self what does she mean by that. Another thing I dont quite nderstand is that she said to me once that she misses my presence in bed and when I'm with her she feels more secured and sleeps better, but than when I ask her for help re me moving in she gives me this different story about regaining herself, totally confused I am. i said to her sure I will give you your breathing space and for you to regain yourself.

Some other points to bring up:

1. Romance: Sorry this word does not exist in this relationship there is NON, though I wish there was a bit of it at least.

2. Its alway me making the decisions, lets go out for dinner, movie, coffee, what ever, always myself making the moves and most of the time its also me that foots the bill.

3. Never want to go out anywhere (75%of the time) I would say or suggest lest go out for dinner, lunch, coffee etc, sorry I am tired, sorry I dont have any money, rather stay at home in bed all day or just at home.

[RdHrshyKss]

i feel like i put an awful lot of energy into answering a lot of your questions...but you haven't listened. you are the weakling in this relationship and you continue to pursue her. i told you time and time again that you pursuing her all the time is only going to make matters worse. stop suggesting going over her place, stop being the one to call her all the time. my gut feeling is that this girl does not have the same feelings for you as you have for her...there is even the possibility that she is involved with someone else (not replying to your text messages/not seeing each other for long periods of time). your description of her past makes her sound like a woman who clings to drama and abusive relationships...since you are not an abuser, she gets little excitement out of your relationship.

seriously dude, just let this girl go and find someone else. you are bringing yourself your own heartbreak by pursuing her so much. you are borderline klingy and i could even see why she would need her space. she's even backed out of you guys moving in together... if that's not a clear sign that your relationship is going sour, i don't know what is.

[Albinoni]

i feel like i put an awful lot of energy into answering a lot of your questions...but you haven't listened. you are the weakling in this relationship and you continue to pursue her. i told you time and time again that you pursuing her all the time is only going to make matters worse. stop suggesting going over her place, stop being the one to call her all the time. my gut feeling is that this girl does not have the same feelings for you as you have for her...there is even the possibility that she is involved with someone else (not replying to your text messages/not seeing each other for long periods of time). your description of her past makes her sound like a woman who clings to drama and abusive relationships...since you are not an abuser, she gets little excitement out of your relationship.

seriously dude, just let this girl go and find someone else. you are bringing yourself your own heartbreak by pursuing her so much. you are borderline klingy and i could even see why she would need her space. she's even backed out of you guys moving in together... if that's not a clear sign that your relationship is going sour, i don't know what is.

To answer yourQ's here:

1. Yes I do understand what you said re me being the weak chain in the link eg to keep my distance from her and let her this time chase me, I've done my share let her do hers for a chnge. I decided to stay with her over the weekend due to the fact we hadnt seen each other for 2 weeks, so decided to spend some time with her thats all. Also she has been on shift work where I do one shift Mon to Fri, though I do bump into her at work sometime. So it was just a small suggestion from me. But did not mean to ignore your request and I will promise you I wont. Like you said make her get on her knees and crawl to me.

2. No I am 100% sure she isnt seeing anyone she does tell me eevry day she loves me very mcuh and misses me heaps, also I didnt mention she's a single Mum and divorced from a very abusive previous husband, but her being a Mum or a divorced woman does
not bother me. Plus my parents and family love her.

3. Re moving in with her she said to me in her past previous relationships she's been burnt by ex bf's cheating her with money etc so she's scared that I will do the same, but isnt trust and communications one of the most important thing in a relationship.

I dont know perhaps I am the weak link here and not giving her a challenge and this is whats boring her.

Oh well its seriously about time I pull my finger out and take your advice about stop contacting her and chasing her, the balls in her court now let her do the chasing for a change.

[Albinoni]

Re replying my sms yes she does but i think this time she turned her mobile off and went to bed as shee was very tired, I also sms her daughter and she said to me her mum had gone to bed. She doesnt ignore my txt msgs 100% of the time.

[RdHrshyKss]

oh man, you're even texting her daughter to find out where she is when she doesn't respond to you? you are coming on WAY too strong

[Albinoni]

oh man, you're even texting her daughter to find out where she is when she doesn't respond to you? you are coming on WAY too strong

No wrong I didnt txt her daughter to see where she is, I asked her if she was sleeping and had she already gone to bed, she did a long shift at work.

[RdHrshyKss]

how long have you guys been dating again?