can't have intercourse

[searock]

He is quite confident actually, he is shy around strangers but not in a "submissive" way: he's more like... constantly "on guard", therefore he only opens up to people he truly trusts (even though, he doesn't 100% trust anyone). His biggest issue, in my opinion, is that he feels guilty for every tiny little thing. He feels like everything is his fault, whether is goes well or it doesn't, kind of like an omnipotent complex. He is working through these issues with his therapist, I'm quite sure it's all connected, so hopefully it will help with this problem as well.

So... how do you think I should behave if the problem arises again? Should I try to "wake him up" again, or just let it go and cuddle/reassure him, or...? I want him to understand - not only rationally, he knows that already, but also instinctively - that I desire him, but that it's also no big deal if he doesn't perform, because I enjoy being with him in everything we do, so there really is no pressure at all...

[alwaystryin]

Well, that's the thing. The instincts you develop are often directly related to the environment you're in which creates the need for them. And while you're telling him it's no big deal that he can't perform it actually is. I don't see either of you being happy if this continues for a prolonged period of time. It is important that you're both satisfied in your sex life and it is important that he be able to perform. He's probably not buying the no big deal thing because it's unrealistic for him to believe his girlfriend is really okay living in a relationship where she can't get the sex she wants and needs. Granted, you're patience and kindness and willingness to try so many things is absolutely wonderful, he's lucky to have that. But how long before it starts to affect you as negatively as it does him? Maybe you should sit him down and tell him that sex is important to you. It would be more honest and more realistic. Maybe he should find a separate counselor to discuss this issue with. Suggest you find one together, or maybe you find one and make the appointment, give them all the details and he just shows up? I'm imagining that being he's a guy, maybe the fact that you have to have SO MUCH understanding for him is also a bruise to his ego? (Guys, input here...) Maybe agree to not even try for intercourse until he advocates for himself and gets help. I think what his ex did to him was terrible, it must have been humiliating. I would think that in a way, this situation isn't any less so for him.

[searock]

Thank you for replying : ).

I see what you mean about him not buying it. I wouldn't either, if I was in his position. And you're right, if it goes on for long, it would put a strain on our relationship, for the both of us. Even though I would still want to be with him (I'm in love *blush*), hands down. Even because, for everything else, our sex life is great : ).

I think that, for now, we can just keep trying and I have to find ways to make him feel not anxious at all. If the problem persists, we'll have to figure out something else, like him talking to his therapist about it. That's why I was wondering how I could get that (truthful) message across. I'm sure that if he feels like I have no expectations at all, and that I love what we do already and don't feel like anything is missing, etc, then it will all be fine. He just needs to stop thinking for a bunch of moments, just the time to "get it in", then it will be OK. The negative thing about "keeping trying" is that every "failure" just adds up to the previous one(s), making it all the harder to not fail the next time as well.

Here's what I think I'll do:
1) not ask for intercourse in any way, I'll rather let him suggest it and try to be as spontaneous and reassuring as possible when he does. I don't want to look too eager cause then he'll think that it's really a big deal to me, nor do I want him to think that I don't desire him. So I'll just be myself I guess!
2) If the problem arises again, ...ok, I don't know. What should I do in the immediate? Perhaps I'll just try to understand how he feels in that moment, and act accordingly.

What do you guys think? If any guy is reading this, what would you prefer?

[pisces25]

SR,

When you say you have sex but not intercourse I am assuming you mean oral sex, handjobs, etc. Is he hard the whole time you do this? Like rock-hard?

[oldskool83]

maybe you trying to hard for him if hes guard is always up. how about just making him feel comfortable and see where that gets you. your might be focusing on his problem too much and its a consant burn out for him. if hes gaurd is up, hes not comfortable....think about it.

[bulrush]

I need to prove to him that I really don't have expectations of him. I tell him all the time (and I show him with actions) that I enjoy being with him in every way, and I don't feel like anything is "missing".

You are doing everything right, now just keep repeating that to him. You have to get through the emotional scars. Good luck!

1) not ask for intercourse in any way, I'll rather let him suggest it and try to be as spontaneous and reassuring as possible when he does. I don't want to look too eager cause then he'll think that it's really a big deal to me, nor do I want him to think that I don't desire him. So I'll just be myself I guess!

I think this would work if you had other sex, but didn't ask for intercourse. Guys build up a desire for what they aren't getting. If he is getting plenty of sex, but not PV (pee pee-va jay jay) intercourse, I think he might develop a desire for intercourse. But I'm just estimating probabilities.

2) If the problem arises again, ...ok, I don't know. What should I do in the immediate? Perhaps I'll just try to understand how he feels in that moment, and act accordingly.

If the problem happens again, act like there's nothing wrong. If you act like there's nothing wrong, he will eventually understand, it's ok not to be a stud. In fact, tell him how much like like to be naked with him and cuddle. Maybe fall asleep in each other's arms. Focus on the positive. In fact, do you ask him if you can suck him? Act like it's a treat for YOU. Build up his confidence. Make him feel wanted. Make him feel like his boy juice is a special treat.

[searock]

SR,

When you say you have sex but not intercourse I am assuming you mean oral sex, handjobs, etc. Is he hard the whole time you do this? Like rock-hard?

Yes, that's what I mean. And yes it is, sometimes more sometimes less but everything "normal", based on other experiences I've had. He only has problems when he starts thinking that we "should" have intercourse.

oldskool83, you're right. I've thought about that and I wish I could somehow not show that I am concerned for him when it happens. But I guess it still gets through of course, I can't help it. The first time it happened I was a bit surprised and also upset because I felt like he didn't like me enough. I'm quite insecure on that issue, and I know it doesn't help at all. But when we are not about to attempt intercourse, I actually don't think about it at all! I just think about having fun with him. I'll try my best to not think about the possibility of it happening again even the next time he suggests we have intercourse - or at least I'll try not to show it. I know that a lot of his anxiety is due to the fact that he knows that I know, he is very embarrassed... I wish I could erase it from my mind somehow, that would help a lot : ).

[searock]

You are doing everything right, now just keep repeating that to him. You have to get through the emotional scars. Good luck!

Thank you ; )! I really hope it will get better, I am optimistic : ).

[pisces25]

If it continues then you will probably need to seek some help as it could be the undoing of your relationship. ED can put a HUGE strain on a relationship. Good communication and not being afraid to talk about it is paramount. Good luck.