My Boyfriend's Friend With Benefits

[michelle23]

Wakeup,

He contacted her so that we could go visit her. As far as I know he is not seeing her right now, but he also is tired of me looking sad or getting frustrated if/when he mentions her, so I am not really sure if they are in contact.

I really do hope this is the end of the bs as I am choosing to trust and work at this, and I don't want that being taken advantage of.

Why are you bothering? Seriously, you are not together that long and he has already given you many reasons to be weary of him and there are so many red flags screaming you cannot trust him. If I was with anyone less than a year and I felt the need to ask for relationship advice during that time-that would be enough for me to go and find someone better. It should not be this complicated.. and you shouldn't be confused about anything.

Also he should have no contact with any exes. I don't understand why anyone would keep in touch with an ex. Maybe its okay to send a quick text every now and again saying "how are you" but other than that, there should be no contact. And men do not pay that much attention to a women unless they have a hidden agenda. Most men do not want to be best friends with a women-they have there male friends who they find far easier to understand and then they are supposed to make time for ONE special girl.

Its your choice but I think you should follow your instincts. You already smell a rat and you know this situation is not right..

[bcgirl]

I agree with Michele. Usually men unless they are gay, don't care to have female friends.
This has turned out to be a more complicated situation as it really needs to be. Why are you trying so hard on this douche bag? The ex claims to have a bf, so why not talk to the other bf and see if he suspect something... Who knows, maybe you and this other bf can hit it off?! Everyone is fu(king everyone anyways

[Wakeup]

It's Op's perogative to try and make this work. I don't see where She's asked us to try and talk her out of her decision.

[DrDotPhillius]

Ok I'm sorry but 9 times out of 10 their fxcking. When people cheat they tend to leave the ones they love for the ones they like. This is probably why your boyfriends ex is divorced her lover for your boyfriend. Your boyfriends ex is using her new boyfriend as a rebound and the only reason she told you she had a new boyfriend is to get you to drop your guard. Her new boyfriend probably feels just like you.

It's not going to be easy to love this alpha boy because he will disgust you. The frequency and quality of sex will decrease and rest assure he will get what he wants from someone else. Stories like this either end in you getting an std and having to deal with it for the rest of your life or with you going overboard giving him the sex he desires, ending up pregnant and alone.

Don't allow him to play with your life. I'm a male so I know how we operate, and if I was him, as a man if you meant something or anything to me I'd cut my ex completely to make you happy. Do yourself a favor and let that homewrecking whore have your piece of shxt boy friend. There are men out here that will take bullets for you and even give you their kidneys. These guys are in demand so they are scarce. Show that sleeze ball how to properly get rid of an ex; please.

[michelle23]

Were not trying to talk her out of it but most of time in situations like this people go into denial where they cannot see what is staring them in the face. I just think if your partner does not treat you the way you treat them-then you should walk away.

[DanceMe]

He keeps telling me I am the only one and he loves me like crazy and I should and will meet her, and when I do I will see there is nothing going on. I think I will give it one more week. He is making a big deal out of pampering me this valentines. I feel it's his way of reassuring me since he hasn't delivered on the meeting yet.

[searock]

He keeps telling me I am the only one and he loves me like crazy and I should and will meet her, and when I do I will see there is nothing going on. I think I will give it one more week. He is making a big deal out of pampering me this valentines. I feel it's his way of reassuring me since he hasn't delivered on the meeting yet.

Don't agree to see him until you've met his friend, Valentine's or no Valentine's.

[DanceMe]

... I wish he would just take care of this and stop making me wait. Maybe she is not ok with it?? It stings me to think he is trying to make sure she is ready? Where are his priorities?

[DanceMe]

Thanks for the imput Dr..

I want to ask you this... How do you think it affects things, if I tell you that he feels like they have very similar backgrounds? I guess they may have similar perspectives on things and they are also in the same career field. So they have many things in common and I can see that there is justification in them being friends... He also feels like he doesn't have many friends, so he would not want to lose any that he has...

I can't tell him to drop a friendship. I would not want him to tell me to do that. Let me add I am friends with my exes but it's different in that I don't hook up with them the second im single or ever since being exes and there is no more attraction, plus they do not live anywhere near me so we only catch up on the phone from time to time.

I think he was curious about her, that maybe they would work as more than friends, and she did apparently express she was interested in them as a couple but then he realized it would never work and what he and I have is better. I wish he would drop her or set up the meeting ASAP just to get he and I back on the right track ASAP.

[michelle23]

Listen danceme. It is already clear that she is not "just a friend" you already know that they have history together and he SLEPT with her when you and he took a short break. He should not want anything to do with her if he really wants you. If you really want to meet her, turn up at her house and say I need to know for sure there is nothing going on and I want a straight answer or I'm not going anywhere.. Look at her reaction-you will be able to tell if she is lying.

Plus if he was really upset when you and he split, he would not have went straight to her. He is obviously keeping his options open. And like I said already, it is not normal for men and women to be this close if there is nothing going on.

Also look at his reactions. If he cant look you in the eye, laughs or smiles while he blatantly lies to your face, touches his hair, face, has twitchy eyes etc HE IS LYING. In situations like this you need to follow your instincts. You already know this is not right and if it were the other way around, I am sure you would avoid your "friend" for him..

[Wakeup]

Plus if he was really upset when you and he split, he would not have went straight to her.

You would not have done that, he would. You're thinking like a girl.

In situations like this you need to follow your instincts.

She is. She didn't like what was happening, she came here for advice, she communicated with him that she felt disrespected and now he is aware and is doing SOMEthings to try and alleviate her concerns. Keep in mind you can lead a horse to water but you can't make her drink. It's human nature to want to make things work with someone you love and if they don't, she will likely leave when she feels she's done everything she could to try and make things work for the two of them.

No disrespect, but you're being like a dog on a bone here, trying to get her to dump him. She has your's and everyone's opinions, thoughts and advice. Up to her how she handles her life now.

Cheers.

He also feels like he doesn't have many friends, so he would not want to lose any that he has...

Well, you could encourage him to join groups that both you and he could make other friends with. Time to work on things you can do together as a couple, perhaps. That way you'll both make friends and he can focus on making male friends that won't cause emotional riffs between you and he.

I wish he would just take care of this and stop making me wait.

As long as he's not seeing her, don't be in such a rush to make it so that he feels it's cool to go see her without you, now that you've met her. It sounds like he needs to distance himself from her and thereby become indifferent to her and hanging with her.

[fearoflove]

I might get some heat for this but I think what you are doing is all wrong. Not morally, but strategically. By getting insecure and giving ultimatums, you are basically saying to him "baby, I need you, I am so scared of losing you". He is intentionally making you feel insecure and jealous and he is winning. You should have just backed off from all this and start hanging out with that guy friend of yours who is attracted to you. His female friend really isn't that much of a threat. But when you become insecure and argumentative, you are lowering your attraction to him and thus may indirectly making that female friend of his more attractive. If you forbid him from seeing her, you may even make her seem more intriguing like the forbidden fruit, you know?

Guys nowadays have friends of the opposite sex. You can't stop that from happening.
Love cannot be demanded, it must be given voluntarily.

[Wakeup]

Well, you won't get heat from me, but I will tell you that your strategy is a recipe for the two of them to become totally emotionally disconnected. Two wrongs never make a right and if you're giving your other half free gratis to go see/date other women while you do the same, then you might as well just throw in the towel and stop the competition/games altogether.

Guys nowadays have friends of the opposite sex. You can't stop that from happening.

Guys (people) these days need to learn that when you're in a relationship, the dynamic of you're opposite sex friendship has to change. If there is nothing other than sex that makes your relationship with your Significant other, significant, then you're ALWAYS going to have the kinds of problems that Op is currently having. You can't keep one-on-one contact and dating your friend once you are partnered up.

Love cannot be demanded, it must be given voluntarily.

Love has nothing to do with this. You can have unconditional love, and I'm pretty sure he loves, Dance. The thing is, relationships ALWAYS have conditions and Op's bf is crossing the boundaries of a monogamous relationship by literally dating another girl while loving the Op and thus fking up the general order of things.

[fearoflove]

Well, you won't get heat from me, but I will tell you that your strategy is a recipe for the two of them to become totally emotionally disconnected. Two wrongs never make a right and if you're giving your other half free gratis to go see/date other women while you do the same, then you might as well just throw in the towel and stop the competition/games altogether.

I know what you are saying. But from how things are going now, they are both getting defensive and arguments would make them even more emotionally disconnected.

OP need to change the dynamics. Right now, he probably perceives her as the the argumentative, controlling girlfriend. People don't like to be told what to do so he is probably just going to continue with what he is doing or even if he listens to the OP, he is going to build up resentment.

She can't force him to accept this boundary. But if she shows him he needs it too, it will work in her favour.

OP can't build emotional connections by demanding. She can only communicate to him how she feels about it (which she did already and it didn't work). Since words didn't work, she need to show him how it feels to be in her shoes.

[Wakeup]

I know what you are saying. But from how things are going now, they are both getting defensive and arguments would make them even more emotionally disconnected.

I see where she says they've discussed things but not where they've been arguing. Have you been arguing, Dance? Has he been balking and defending his "dating" this girl? (other than not wanting to lose a friend that is) *which in itself is lame and rather gay sounding to me*

OP need to change the dynamics. Right now, he probably perceives her as the the argumentative, controlling girlfriend.

Or, he could perceive her as the worried girlfriend (rightly so) that resents the alone time he spends with a girl he porks off and on. (also rightly so)

People don't like to be told what to do so he is probably just going to continue with what he is doing or even if he listens to the OP, he is going to build up resentment.

That remains to be seen. They've had their discussion about the inappropriateness of the situation... Now it's up to him to be empathetic to her concerns and cut it out because he values her enough to do so, or: He continues on with the disrespect wherein Op can make an informed decision to leave, grieve, heal and find someone who doesn't want the emotional connection with TWO women.

She can't force him to accept this boundary. But if she shows him he needs it too, it will work in her favour.

"Showing" him by doing the exact same thing she hates him doing (like you suggest) is cutting off one's nose to spite their face. We can ask for what we want (which she's done) then we have to wait to see if he'll give it, willingly. We have 100% control over ourselves and no one else.

OP can't build emotional connections by demanding.

Read above. We ask for what we want, then we wait to see if it's forthcoming, we compromise, we aquience, or we leave depending on what we can and cannot tolerate.

She can only communicate to him how she feels about it (which she did already and it didn't work).

There's where you're wrong. She has communicated, now we have to wait and see if it works.

Since words didn't work, she need to show him how it feels to be in her shoes.

You're ahead of yourself and even so, two wrongs, never make a right. Building an even wider wedge between the "primary" relationship (which her acting out like he is will do) is counter productive to her goal.