Ladies, am I being too critical of his female friendships?

[lalalita]

The fact is it's not really about the "emotional connection" - it's the sexual competition that women are insecure about.

The sexual competition is an obvious issue, yes. Considering I have been cheated on pyshically in the past. But, emotional connection is also neck in neck with that. I want to get married and have children, it's what I'm looking for in a relationship at this stage in my life. I want to be the woman in a man's life, not one of the women.

[searock]

The fact is it's not really about the "emotional connection" - it's the sexual competition that women are insecure about.

You are thinking like a man. Men are mostly insecure about the sexual competition. For us women, it's mostly about the emotional connection. To be clear: I think pretty much any woman would hate it if her boyfriend slept with another woman. But what would really set us off would be the thought of him sharing an emotional connection with her, an intimacy, stronger than the one he shares with us.

Nobody had an issue when my closest female friend was a unattractive...

This was because it was apparent that you were not attracted to her. Were you attracted to your amateur model friend?

I ask again (and I mean no disrespect): how old are you and how many long term relationships have you been in?

[HeheMan]

You are thinking like a man. Men are mostly insecure about the sexual competition. For us women, it's mostly about the emotional connection. To be clear: I think pretty much any woman would hate it if her boyfriend slept with another woman. But what would really set us off would be the thought of him sharing an emotional connection with her, an intimacy, stronger than the one he shares with us.

Nope, sexist hogwash. It all boils down to reproduction, ie, sex.

This was because it was apparent that you were not attracted to her. Were you attracted to your amateur model friend?

See that's my point. My strong emotional connection was not an issue until the possibility (or perceived possibility) of sex was involved.

And what about emotional connections to male friends? Never been an issue, because there's no possibility of sex.

I mean you can try to muddy the issue with talk about "emotional bla bla bla" but if you follow the money trail it leads to sex.

I ask again (and I mean no disrespect): how old are you and how many long term relationships have you been in?

I'm not answering that, because I already know this trick.

[lalalita]

May I ask how come you've never met his friend yet? How often do they talk to each other (even via text, chat, etc)?

Of course you may ask :]

I had surgery in September that threw me out the loop of my life for about 6 months. I was out of work and dealing with alot of health issues and wasn't able to socialize as much as I would have normally. During this time, he was there for me every step of the way. That is when our bond really started and our connection grew. We talk every day, throughout the day. He texts me good morning, when he gets free time throughout the day at work, and we always end up having great conversations when we're both home at the end of the day. I'm just getting back on my feet now. The time we get to spend in person together hasn't been anywhere near were we want it due to my health, our work schedules and various other "life" things.

I'm unsure how "close" this "sis" is. He's told me "I tell you every time I'm with her", which really hasn't been that often. It doesn't seem like he sees her more than many a few times a month (if he's being honest, who really knows?) but I don't know how often they talk. He's a great texter/talker. I sometimes wonder if he's in constant communication with her in the same way he is with me.

[HeheMan]

The sexual competition is an obvious issue, yes. Considering I have been cheated on pyshically in the past. But, emotional connection is also neck in neck with that. I want to get married and have children, it's what I'm looking for in a relationship at this stage in my life. I want to be the woman in a man's life, not one of the women.

Well, then just find a guy who has no female friends.

Problem - Solution.

[searock]

See that's my point. My strong emotional connection was not an issue until the possibility (or perceived possibility) of sex was involved.

That's because we all know that men only fall in love (an emotional thing) with women they are attracted to. Mind blown, eh?

I'm not answering that, because I already know this trick.

Yet you answered lalalita's questions... maybe because they were less compromising with regards to the matter at hand?

How about this: I will not comment your answer. I'm just curious. Will you answer now?

[HeheMan]

That's because we all know that men only fall in love (an emotional thing) with women they are attracted to. Mind blown, eh?

And men also only really have sex with women they're attracted to (usually) and only fall in love with women they're having sex with.

It all boils down to sex.

If the girl is busted and there's no real chance of sex, it wouldn't be an issue even if they were best friends since grade school.

But once the girl is hot suddenly there's an issue - not because of emotions but because of sex.

How about this: I will not comment your answer. I'm just curious. Will you answer now?

Tell me what difference it makes, and I might answer.

[searock]

Of course you may ask :]

I had surgery in September that threw me out the loop of my life for about 6 months. I was out of work and dealing with alot of health issues and wasn't able to socialize as much as I would have normally. During this time, he was there for me every step of the way. That is when our bond really started and our connection grew. We talk every day, throughout the day. He texts me good morning, when he gets free time throughout the day at work, and we always end up having great conversations when we're both home at the end of the day. I'm just getting back on my feet now. The time we get to spend in person together hasn't been anywhere near were we want it due to my health, our work schedules and various other "life" things.

I'm unsure how "close" this "sis" is. He's told me "I tell you every time I'm with her", which really hasn't been that often. It doesn't seem like he sees her more than many a few times a month (if he's being honest, who really knows?) but I don't know how often they talk. He's a great texter/talker. I sometimes wonder if he's in constant communication with her in the same way he is with me.

He sounds like a good guy. But the fact that he may be in constant (or even just daily) communication with his female friend is a huge red flag, unfortunately. I don't think he even realizes that he's doing anything wrong... although I think he senses it on some level, otherwise he wouldn't be so apologetic about it.

When you will see them together, you will be able to determine with certainty whether there is something visibly "off" about their friendship. Trust your gut.

For how long have they known each other? Has there ever been anything romantic between them (even just a one-sided crush at some point)?

[HeheMan]

the fact that he may be in constant (or even just daily) communication with his female friend is a huge red flag, unfortunately.

No it's not. lol

I don't think he even realizes that he's doing anything wrong... although I think he senses it on some level, otherwise he wouldn't be so apologetic about it.

He doesn't think he's doing anything wrong because he's not.

He's apologetic because a woman is upset.

[searock]

And men also only really have sex with women they're attracted to (usually) and only fall in love with women they're having sex with.

Yep, they only fall in love with women they are attracted to and/or have sex with, and we don't want our guys to be in love with other women. I don't understand why you have such difficulties accepting it.

Tell me what difference it makes, and I might answer.

No difference, I'm just curious. I would like to understand your point of view.

[smackie9]

I have an answer for you.....stop dating men that have many or close female friends. This pattern keeps repeating itself because of you keep choosing to date this type of man. Yes a guy with lots of women around him is subconsciously desirable to women (most not all). In Pick Up they use the term "bringing up your value" by having woman around to stir attraction. Maybe give those other guys out there a second look, that have a normal circle of guy friends, that don't need their egos fed by female attention.

[HeheMan]

I have an answer for you.....stop dating men that have many or close female friends. This pattern keeps repeating itself because of you keep choosing to date this type of man. Yes a guy with lots of women around him is subconsciously desirable to women (most not all). In Pick Up they use the term "bringing up your value" by having woman around to stir attraction. Maybe give those other guys out there a second look, that have a normal circle of guy friends, that don't need their egos fed by female attention.

Yes because men are just two dimensional and it's all about feeding their egos.

Yes this guy is obviously a PUA because he has female friends. Because men only care about their egos.

But I'm the sexist one amirite?

[lalalita]

For how long have they known each other? Has there ever been anything romantic between them (even just a one-sided crush at some point)?

I've been trying not to pry with him. He's told me, on his own, months ago that they have been friends for 15 years. He mentioned her right away when we started talking daily. There was even a time that he borrowed her car to come see me. (I made a joke at this, saying that her car smelled like my perfume and he better keep the windows down before he brings it back to her. I guess this was my insecurity coming out as a joke. He laughed and said "It's not like that!") I *did* pry a little the night we talked about this in person. He explained to me that his "sis" had a past with his close male friend (who is currently in jail), and that he wouldn't be surprised if when he gets out of lock up that the two of them might end up together.

I think you're totally right when you say he doesn't even realize he's doing anything wrong. I feel like relationships he's had in the past never had an issue with this, or just weren't that serious.

He seems in legit turmoil over this. I don't think he ever imagined he would ever have to loose the woman he has feelings for over his closeness with his bestfriend.

[HeheMan]

They've been friends for 15 years.

How long have you known this guy for?

[lalalita]

Heheman- I think your age can have alot to do with where you stand on this issue. Younger men, or men just not currently looking for marriage, may take the idea of a female best friend lightly. Whereas a man who is older, or looking to start a family, sees the value differently and can understand how it could pose a problem.