When it's great it's wonderful but what happens when it's not so great?

[michelle23]

You can all say that porn is healthy or whatever other crap your going to say and him smoking pot is "fine as long as there are no other problems"

the fact here is these issues upset this woman to the point that she is in therapy and reaching out to strangers for advice so it IS a big issue. Of course men who watch porn are gonna say its normal but the truth is this man has an addictive personality and his "need" to watch porn sneakily is a red flag. He knowd how much it upsets her-yet refuses to stop-not bevause he doesnt want to but because he cant.

She said they have a great sex life so why sneak around watching porn ehind her back? Lots of men dont feel a need to waych it whilst in a healthy relationship and i think its wrong when it gets to the point that it causes this much problems.

Also tassy said she has done sexual acts that made her feel ashamed to make him happy. That is wrong and it leads straight back to the porn addiction that he has

[rob1984]

there you go, you just proved the fact they are not compatible and her trying to change him is not going to work. I do things for my wife, because its FOR my wife. Sex life can be great, porn is just a fantasy. Like i said I think she is taking it our of proportion and if she feels there's double standards, then address them, if she cannot then leave him... But saying he is the way he is, is wrong.. is not right. Again she made choices to not get a dildo, he made choices to watch porn.. I think she is more insecure otherwise she would not care.. he hides it cause she does not allow it.. if she becomes fine with it then he'll probably even watch it less. SO marriage counseling or split up

[bearz]

It can't be all about the porn and him lying about it. That should be possible to fix by seeking out counseling/therapy TOGETHER. There must be much more to it but either I'm blind or those important pieces of information are missing.

[tassy]

lol i think that was sarcasm haha, but i'll take it

I dont see anything funny about this i am not rude or harsh to you, this is not what i thought it was at all. Please for other peoples sake maybe try reading ALL of the information given, maybe ask more if you are unsure and really try to be a bit kinder, cos i think when people come here they are already hurt and confused and are wanting kind caring helpful advice. I mean what do you get out of being so blunt and not really reading all the information before you comment? Does it make you feel better to be so harsh on someone who is already low? Goodness me it is almost like bullying, a soft touch can do wonders. Who are any of us to say "leave!" stop doing this or that? I am well awrae that i am pretty much a doormat i was hoping to get some helpful advice on how to handle my heart ache. But thanks for you time rob and wakeup, im not sure what either of you got out of this but im pretty sure I didnt get any help for my situation. Cold and harsh words only add to someones pain, i feel for our partners if you both treat them this way whenever they are going through a hard time. Try a little tenderness who knows you just might help someone and afteral isnt that what this site is all about? If you dont have anything nice to say and if the post you are reading bothers you, move on to another why comment cold harshness who does that help?

[smackie9]

Porn....here we go again *roll eyes*.

Become a nun and you won't have to worry about it again.

[Wakeup]

Wakeup firstly thank you for you opinions and the time you have put into trying to make me see things YOUR way!

your welcome.

I thought this site was were one could come to voice their problems in love and find support and caring advice, my mistake.

What about what I said to you was not supportive or caring? Was it the fact that I didn't call your partner a douche that you should keep trying to change into the man you want him to be?

I am not a fool i know my options are to stay and accept all the crap or leave, i came here to hopefully find some other options, ways of dealing with these things myself,

You should read about "Need to control", "codependency" and hopefully you'll work through your denial.

other ways of talking with my partner about our issues, help really.

Honey, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. It's like any other addiction... you can tell him to stop drinking/lying/masturbating to porn in 1000s ways and he won't do a thing about it until the enabling stops and he chooses to.

But if i am being seen as just a whinger and controling then this is not the site for me. My mistake.

Whining doesn't help your situation. Actions will though. What actions can YOU take that will help You?

Although one thing you said did really make an impact on me, his words are just words but what are his actions really telling me? I was hoping to get some advice on how to deal with it as it is a problem for me, i really dont know how to just simply accept something i am very uncomfortable with, please for a minute think of something that would be very uncomfortable for you but your partner chose to do it anyway and continue to do so, all the while lying about it, how would you then come to make yourself accept that it is what it is?

There are codpendent anonymous groups that will teach to to accept and quit enabling. if after taking a few (or talking to your present councelor about it or reading about it) you still can't accept, then you will have the strength to leave if you're not getting what you want.

i am trying but it is coming out in other ways, i cry constantly, i am distant, i dont want to be, i have tried having sex since and other things trying to be more and just get over it, but i end up feeling disgusted in myself, so HOW I am asking how does one learn to just accept something that they are really having trouble doing so? AND again its NOT just the porn the lies.

See above paragraph. You don't want to leave but your making yourself sick staying. Look after YOU first and stop enabling him to make you miserable. Time to stop being a martyr.

[tassy]

You can all say that porn is healthy or whatever other crap your going to say and him smoking pot is "fine as long as there are no other problems"

the fact here is these issues upset this woman to the point that she is in therapy and reaching out to strangers for advice so it IS a big issue. Of course men who watch porn are gonna say its normal but the truth is this man has an addictive personality and his "need" to watch porn sneakily is a red flag. He knowd how much it upsets her-yet refuses to stop-not bevause he doesnt want to but because he cant.

She said they have a great sex life so why sneak around watching porn ehind her back? Lots of men dont feel a need to waych it whilst in a healthy relationship and i think its wrong when it gets to the point that it causes this much problems.

Also tassy said she has done sexual acts that made her feel ashamed to make him happy. That is wrong and it leads straight back to the porn addiction that he has

Thank you so very much you have no idea how much your reply means to me, i was just about to delete my account thinking i was clearly in the wrong place but i guess its like everything in life there is good and bad, and you my dear wonderful caring person i want to thank so very much xx

[rob1984]

Giggidy!!!!!

[Wakeup]

I'll add that you are overly sensitive because no one hear has given you harsh advise. We just aren't telling you what you want to hear, tassy.

if all you wanted to hear is that Porn isn't healthy, well then how is that going to help you live in your current situation
If all you want to do is vent and have people tell you how bad they feel for you, how is that going to help your current situation?

Is that all you wanted was validation? How is that going to help your current situation?

You might want to ASK your partner to see someone about his apparent porn addiction and if he won't go specifically about that issue (like to a 12 step rehab programme) then at least consider taking yourself out of the dysfunction and stop enabling him.

[rob1984]

well tassy, you take michelle's advice if you wish then.. I guess she is the only one that will tell you what you want to hear.

[tassy]

Porn....here we go again *roll eyes*.

Become a nun and you won't have to worry about it again.

if everyone would just go back to my first post in here i said i didnt want to mention what the issue was as the issue wasnt as big of an issue as the LIES about the issue but people thought it was cheating so i had to mention it and some people ran with that. Sorry for being a pain in a lot of peoples arses.

[tassy]

Giggidy!!!!!

Wow that is the worst character of any show ever a real sick sexual deviate, why am i not surprised? Now your words mean nothing to me!

[rob1984]

you cause the lies, by your insecurities and co-dependence , just let him watch it and he won't lie to you.. just cause you say something.. he does not have to jump when you say how high.. so let him watch porn and you get your vibrator.. if he bitches then say... you watch porn or whatever and see what happens then.

[rob1984]

Wow that is the worst character of any show ever a real sick sexual deviate, why am i not surprised? Now your words mean nothing to me!

you're going to judge me based on me watching a certain tv show and finding CARTOON characters funny... I like the old pedophile man.. does that make me a pedo, Im starting to believe tassy there is more to your story.. I think you are the problem. You should look in to this.

[bearz]

Pretty much what Rob said, you get your toys and you let him have his fun. He gets what he wants and you get what you want. There won't be any lies anymore because you will both know about it.