trying to move forward.

[CircleC]

Yesterday, I had called her up to say hi and see how she was. It was simple at first, then I went on to let her know how much she meant to me and how I feel for her. I think I was a little long in the tooth. Which shouldn't be surprising if you've read my first post ever. But the conversation ended simply with no talk of future meetings or the such. After spending some time on here last night, I sent her this message on email:

Hey, telling you how I feel now that my head feels clear again was just what I needed to do. Had to get it out. So, yeah I carried on a bit long today. I can accept things now, knowing that you know how I feel. I wanna roll past it like the tiny prince gathering up earth's many things.
Its under these conditions that I'd like you to come back to (work). To answer your question from earlier...yes, customers have asked about you. quite a few have said they miss you. we tell them you are on a work break, nothing more. Its a relaxed and always eventful place to work and thats how it needs to stay. What you bring is part of the puzzle we need. Ok, thats what I have to say about it and I think you should feel very comfortable coming back. I'd like to add you on the schedule for next week. Give me a call sometime at work tomorrow and I'll tell you my plan for the schedule. I'll be brief too :-) Have a great night.

so that is what led up to her coming in today to tell me she would be coming back to work.

When I first met her I had no idea why she smiled so much and laughed so easily. Once I got to know her I credited myself with some of those smiles and laughs. But today when she smiled and laughed, my first thought was that she was laughing at me. As we sat in my office and discussed work, I almost told her what I thought. But I remembered to think first. So I didn't do anything. Just carried on the conversation and swallowed the laughs that seemed to be directed at me. Then as she was saying her goodbye and turning to leave, I spoke, "ya know what's crazy about this" I began. and then I stopped myself. I was going to say that it felt crazy because I felt like she was laughing at me. WOW. Another Gremlin. Instead I just said bye bye. She wasn't laughing AT me. It would have been a great excuse to get down on myself though. Thanks to LF, I had a little awareness of the situation, kept my cool, and now can think about that little Gremlin without any regret, because he didn't get out this time.
Excusing one thing with another is no excuse for making excuses. I'm trying to remember that.

Last thing, does it seem like I'm using her too much as my reason for trying to work through all my problems?

[whaywardj]

Affairs of the heart can ALWAYS be a great preoccupation to distract one from the business of him or herself. They also have the added benefit of providing someone close at hand to credit or blame for everything. Whether someone is confusing evasion with romance in this manner depends on how much they're trying to hide from themselves. And, sometimes, what.

[CircleC]

Yes, and staying aware of these things should help me keep from crediting or blaming her. I know the hard part will be trying not to get distracted from the task at hand. But I'd like to try it this way. It will take a little extra work and thought, but I just have to keep reminding myself of what comes first. Loving myself and banging the dents out of my perception. And having feelings for her will be a little extra motivation to keep it up. Then when I really start to feel ever better about things, I shouldn't be too let down if she never wants to get closer again. I'll just be grateful that my life improved so dramatically and will be thankful for the motivation. At least thats how I'd like to think I'll handle the situation.
I'm gonna have to be able to deal with it because I can't imagine her not working with us. I know its my way of trying to hold on. But she did come back and want to work, so there must be a little something in her left too.

[whaywardj]

I'm gonna have to be able to deal with it because I can't imagine her not working with us. I know its my way of trying to hold on. But she did come back and want to work, so there must be a little something in her left too.

Hm. A tiny seed of hope which could become a torrent of despair. I think I know the feeling you're referring to. In my case, it was a dangerous sentiment for a time. I'd thought I'd set all things of the heart in their proper places, including relegating any perceivable futures that weren't meant to be to a mental closet of "what will be, will be," and gone on about my business. Anytime I caught myself yearning for a future I couldn't have, I'd just toss that yearning in the closet and "forget" about it. Out of my mind's eye, though, the yearnings started collaborating with each other and monsters began to grow in the closet. Before long, I was a walking knot of tensions trying to hold back a profound anger over having a nonspecific anxiety I "didn't know" the source of.

When I figured out I was trying to stuff my feelings, after some wrestling with myself to dig it up from all the emotional debris I'd packed in it, I got around to uncovering very first yearning I'd tossed in the closet and had a good look at it. Once I understood most, if not all, its facets, I aimed their reflections inward toward me, rather than outward toward her. I aimed the longing I felt for her to my own becoming and the longing I felt for the future I wanted for myself. I aimed the sadness of not having her to the acceptance of my own limitations. I aimed the grief I felt over having lost her to the forgiveness I needed to give myself having shortcomings. And so on.

Now, I don't use closets that way anymore. They just hold my clothes. The monsters are still around but, because I keep at cleaning out cobwebs from dark corners of my pysche, they're always on the run to different hiding places; effectively at bay.

I'm not sure I've communicated what I intended.

Moral of the post: Be wary of easy surrenders. They may be only strategic retreats.

[CircleC]

The last thing I want to do is start filling my "closet" again. I did that my entire childhood and even into my adult years. Earlier this year, I took dramatic steps to clear it out and get back into those corners, where the cobwebs are thickest. I, too, know the effects of a closet door busting at the hinges. I definitely need to avoid this. I will monitor the situation as honestly as possible. I'll try and be open about what's going on and seek advice often. Right now, I feel like my feelings for her are beyond desire and lust. I have no urge for things to be anything more than they are right now. Of course, that doesn't mean the monsters aren't just clamming up at the moment. I know very well the "knotty" feeling you speak of. It was with me earlier in the week and hasn't reclaimed my stomach since Wednesday. I need to make sure it doesn't come back. There is a part of me that wonders if my love for her won't turn out to be a genuine love of friendship with nothing more complicated. I'll let the new week unfold and reevaluate Wednesday evening. Thats when we will be at work together. Until then, I'm gonna keep up with everything else I need to do and try to keep my thoughts from straying too much. When I think of her, I'll be redirecting those energies unto myself.

[whaywardj]

Circle, sometimes, there's just no talking to you. ;-)

[CircleC]

Circle, sometimes, there's just no talking to you. ;-)

I think I've been told that before. lol.

[CircleC]

But I do also understand what you are saying about redirecting the energies. Its the strategy I used today and I'm gonna keep figuring it out.

[whaywardj]

Just a little something a body picks up along the way.

[CircleC]

All this has me exhausted. Thinking about things outloud like this and sharing so much is draining me. I'm definitely not conditioned for it. I'm really feeling like I've made some progress in the past week. A self imposed LF intervention was just what I needed. Now I need some rest and I'll be back at it sometime tomorrow.

[indigosoul]

That's what its like for me to find that "mental switch". Guess I'll just get there all bruised up, but it'll heal. right?

Well, to extend your analogy, yes, the bruises will heal. But you'll still bump the furniture from time to time. And get faster at finding that switch. Whether thats a good thing is for you to decide.

[indigosoul]

Hm. A tiny seed of hope which could become a torrent of despair. I think I know the feeling you're referring to. In my case, it was a dangerous sentiment for a time. I'd thought I'd set all things of the heart in their proper places, including relegating any perceivable futures that weren't meant to be to a mental closet of "what will be, will be," and gone on about my business. Anytime I caught myself yearning for a future I couldn't have, I'd just toss that yearning in the closet and "forget" about it. Out of my mind's eye, though, the yearnings started collaborating with each other and monsters began to grow in the closet. Before long, I was a walking knot of tensions trying to hold back a profound anger over having a nonspecific anxiety I "didn't know" the source of.

When I figured out I was trying to stuff my feelings, after some wrestling with myself to dig it up from all the emotional debris I'd packed in it, I got around to uncovering very first yearning I'd tossed in the closet and had a good look at it. Once I understood most, if not all, its facets, I aimed their reflections inward toward me, rather than outward toward her. I aimed the longing I felt for her to my own becoming and the longing I felt for the future I wanted for myself. I aimed the sadness of not having her to the acceptance of my own limitations. I aimed the grief I felt over having lost her to the forgiveness I needed to give myself having shortcomings. And so on.

God. You are salt on a wound, W. Bleh.

because I keep at cleaning out cobwebs from dark corners of my pysche, they're always on the run to different hiding places; effectively at bay.
Moral of the post: Be wary of easy surrenders. They may be only strategic retreats.

Hella lot of gap b/t the first quote and the second, W. Moving from the whys to the how...big steps, W.

[whaywardj]

Hm. Guess it comes from having been taught the best way to stop a puppy from shitting in the house is to rub his nose in it. Or maybe from my few readings on Raja yoga some years back. As for "big steps," guess that depends on the length of one's stride.

[CircleC]

Well, to extend your analogy, yes, the bruises will heal. But you'll still bump the furniture from time to time. And get faster at finding that switch. Whether thats a good thing is for you to decide.

I'll always have a human memory(despite what I've smoked), so the occasional bumps will be a good thing. It will make it all real. Be less painful than all the bruises I now get. Glad you brought it up. Wouldn't want to be thinking it will ALL go away forever or anything. And I think getting faster will be easy, it only took me twenty eight years to get here....what curve?