Help with a complicated situation (Reader's Digest version)

[vashti]

Aww, jeez. That's too bad. Well, at least you have an answer, and so you can start picking up the pieces.

[Am_I_Crazy]

Aww, jeez. That's too bad. Well, at least you have an answer, and so you can start picking up the pieces.

True.

What burns me more is she said "He keeps asking to buy me a ring and I keep telling him I am not ready yet."

I truly think she doesn't know what she wants.

She said she didn't try the ring on but did look at it a few times. Gee, like that is supposed to make me feel better.

She said "Yes, you are where you need to be now, but I am with him..."

Like way to wave that in my face and yank it back.

True. At least I can pick up the pieces and move on. I am going to email her tomorrow and ask her when she plans to bring me the ring.

[Gigabitch]

If necessary, send her a mailer envelope with postage on it for the ring. She can just drop it off at a mailbox.

I hope you learn the right lessons from all of this- not that it is wrong to care, or to try, but just that it's wrong to waste your time on someone who doesn't reciprocate.

You'll find someone better.

[Am_I_Crazy]

If necessary, send her a mailer envelope with postage on it for the ring. She can just drop it off at a mailbox.

I hope you learn the right lessons from all of this- not that it is wrong to care, or to try, but just that it's wrong to waste your time on someone who doesn't reciprocate.

You'll find someone better.

True, but I had to find out for myself. I had to explore every avenue to at least walk away knowing I did everything I could and still failed.

I walk away not defeated, but like a valiant warrior who fought to the bitter end. I did not give up, I did not cave in and I fought to the death for what I believed in.

Now I hold my head up high. After a brief down period I will anxiously await the next woman that comes into my life.

[Am_I_Crazy]

Riddle me this.

Yesterday morning I sent her an email basically outlining that I accepted her decision and that I have to move on. That though I love her dearly, she doesn't want to be with me so I have no choice but to accept her decision and move on.

In the email I clearly stated that I would like her to bring the ring back Friday after work. Well, it's Friday, long after she left work and she didn't stop by with the ring. I know she got the email and read it. I was clear that I wanted her to stop by today (I can't drive since I crashed my race bike on Sunday and broke my collar bone, I am on some serious meds).

She never answered the email.
She never stopped by here.

I have a sneaky suspicion that she isn't quite ready to give the ring back or something I said in the email to her might have made her think a little longer. She agreed in the car on Weds night that I should have the ring back so all I was trying to do by emailing her is shore up a time to get the ring.

Could this be a sign she is re-thinking her "no" or do you think she is just stalling because she doesn't want to face me. I don't see what the problem could be. If she agreed I should have the ring back and in the email I said "I am not going to give you a hard time, I just need to get the ring and we can say good-bye..."

Either she doesn't want to say goodbye and wants more time to think OR she is just being a pain. She said she has the ring at home.

Thoughts?

[vashti]

I think maybe she took the ring to a pawn shop.

[Am_I_Crazy]

I think maybe she took the ring to a pawn shop.

I know she didn't do that. Seriously, I just want to know why. Normally when she ignores me like this or is unresponsive she is confused and thinking.

If she knows the answer is no and already said as much, what's the big deal? Just drop the ring off (I live between her place and her work so that shouldn't be a big deal).

I asked specifically for the ring today. Why not bring it? She even agreed Weds night that I should have it back.

The only conclusion I can come to is now that she knows I am ready to say goodbye for good, maybe she is rethinking her decision??

[Ellynn]

Don't get your hopes up. I doubt shes thinking things through. I think that she's afraid to face you. She is just drawing out a process that should have been ended a long time ago.

I would once again ask for the ring back.

Are you sure she didn't pawn it? Personally I think its kinda fishy that she has waited this long. Or maybe she had it appraised and is having a hard time letting go of it? How much did it cost, if you don't mind me asking?

[Am_I_Crazy]

Here's the email I sent her. If you were in her shoes, how would this sound? She left on Weds night and here are some of the things she said to me:

"If you are asking me to answer now, then right now the answer is no. I am with someone else. Yes you are right now exactly where you should be it's just the timing is wrong. He's (new guy) has been asking if he can get me a ring but I have told him I am not there yet. He (new guy) has his problems as well. Yes, you should have ring back. I don't know what God's plan is for me. I looked at the ring many times and prayed over it."

I would like to apologize to you.

I didn't mean to slam your car door last night. I wasn't angry at you...that was just the result of years of unanswered prayers coming to a crashing halt. I never wanted/liked to pressure you into making decisions about us, however in this case and for my self-respect I just needed to know where I stood. I listened to God's Will and perhaps giving you the ring was His way of providing me closure. I completely entrust all things to the Lord as evidenced by the fact I let go of you for such a long time hoping my feelings would go away. Unfortunately for me, they did not. Maybe this is what God meant to happen all along. All I know is that I obeyed Him and did what He asked me to do: Follow my heart.

Thank you for taking good care of me this past week (I am sure my mom is smiling down upon you). It's been nice seeing you and "hanging out" one last time. I am just saddened it took my "near death experience" to break the ice..

Thank you for everything you have done for me over the years. My life has been irrevocably and positively changed just for knowing you. I will never forget you and I know with God's love and grace I will be fine.

I never loved you because I needed you ****, I needed you always because I loved you. I had never been so sure about someone in my life as I am about you -- from the moment I first laid eyes on you two and half years ago to this day I still get the same butterflies when I see you, when I run my fingers through your hair and when I stare deeply into those beautiful blue eyes. I know that is true love in it's purest form. What a great life (I dreamed) we would have praising God, being great friends, raising a family, riding bikes, living each others dreams and growing old together!

I can not, nay, will not beg for you. That's not the way I want to be loved - by being pitied. I wanted to be loved by you the same, deep, passionate way that I love you. I hoped you would come back because you loved me in the same way. Real love can only survive when it comes from the heart, not from manipulation. Only God (not anything I say or do) could change your heart -- and right now that doesn't seem to be in His plans. I accept it, I must. I can not go on "wishing" God would change your heart. I’m tired of begging God for what I want. I did what He asked of me by proposing and now I have to be man enough to walk away. Not as a beaten man, but as a valiant warrior who fought to the bitter end for what he truly believed in: US.

It's time I put my focus squarely on God and His plans for me.

I need to do something with the ring. I sincerely don't regret buying it -- it was a risk I knowingly and willingly took. I meant every word I said to you when I proposed. Those feelings may never change but life must go on, with or without you. Please let me know when you can drop the ring off (since I am unable to drive for a few weeks) and we can say good-bye. Would it be possible for you to swing by after work tomorrow? I will not give you a speech. I’ve said and done all I can do. I’m mentally and physically exhausted from fighting so hard for us -- and you don’t want to be with me -- so there is no point in continuing. I accept your answer and I give up...I can't do this anymore.

All I've ever wanted was for you (and me too) to be completely happy. If I am not the one to bring you happiness then all I can do is wish you and **** the best. I honestly love you so much that I want you to be truly happy -- with or without me.

Best of luck. I will really miss you. I always supported your dreams no matter what you wanted. I hope you achieve them. With God, your career, in life and in marriage.

*****

PS: I know you are not big on mementos but I did take a few photos of the ring the night before I proposed. I attached them just in case you wanted to hang on to the memories...I'll be selling it as soon as you return it...

[vashti]

Maybe her boyfriend pawned it.

[Am_I_Crazy]

Don't get your hopes up. I doubt shes thinking things through. I think that she's afraid to face you. She is just drawing out a process that should have been ended a long time ago.

I would once again ask for the ring back.

Are you sure she didn't pawn it? Personally I think its kinda fishy that she has waited this long. Or maybe she had it appraised and is having a hard time letting go of it? How much did it cost, if you don't mind me asking?

It was only $1,600.00. I told her when I proposed if she didn't like it that we could take it back and get another one.

She did not pawn it, I know her very well and that is something she would never do.

I don't think she is afraid to face me. She had no problem telling me no in the car the other day.

She MIGHT have a hard time letting go of the ring since it's the first engagement ring ever given to her. Read the letter I wrote her. I just KNOW her and I know when she is quiet and unresponsive she is confused and struggling with a decision. Giving the ring back should not be a problem -- UNLESS she is having second thoughts after reading my email and seeing in person the changes I have made.

I wasn't trying to force her to make a decision but she's admitting the guy she is with she isn't ready to marry and that he has "issues." She admitted that I am right where I should have been when we first met (I had issues then too but resolved them) but now the timing is wrong.

Maybe the fact that I told her I accepted her answer and am ready to say goodbye and walk away for good has got her thinking? I mean, there is no reason to not reply and tell me when I can get the ring back. I did tell her I plan on selling it as soon as I get it back, so she knows that I have accepted her decision.

Why the delay? Why not just tell me? There's nothing to be afraid of now. I have accepted her decision and I am ready to move on without her.

[vashti]

I don't know, but all I can say is I would have absolutely no problem at all returning an engagement ring to a guy I was not going to marry. In fact, I never would have accepted it in the first place. A girl generally knows straight away if she is going to marry a guy when he asks. I have never heard of someone saying "I'll think about it" anywhere except on TV.

Maybe she was busy tonight. Who knows?

[Am_I_Crazy]

Maybe her boyfriend pawned it.

She never told him about it.

[Am_I_Crazy]

I don't know, but all I can say is I would have absolutely no problem at all returning an engagement ring to a guy I was not going to marry. In fact, I never would have accepted it in the first place. A girl generally knows straight away if she is going to marry a guy when he asks. I have never heard of someone saying "I'll think about it" anywhere except on TV.

Maybe she was busy tonight. Who knows?

Then why not simply reply "I can't bring it tomorrow but sometime next week?" That's all it takes. There's no reason to not reply. We sent about 20 emails back and forth on Tues and Weds.

She took the ring because she wasn't sure. She said she prayed and thought about it but "right now" the answer is no. I was like "ok fine, I accept your no. I need to get my ring."

She said "Yes, I agree you should get the ring back." So I sent her the email I posted above and asked specifically if she could bring it today.

No reply.
She did not stop by.

It's not hard to do. She could have even called to tell me when she was going to bring it. I can not drive because of my broken collar bone and the drugs I am on. She knows I can't go pick it up.

[DarkDwarf]

You need to confront her and ask her what her answer is. When she says "no", which she most likely will, ask for the ring back.

Then cut all contact and never talk to her again. It's finally time for you to move on. It will probably take several months ir even a year or two to get over her, but eventually you will heal and move on.