What is really fair?

[josette]

She should have sex with you!

[smackie9]

Things die off because of kids, household responsibilities, etc....and where is the time to be as a couple again. You need to "date" your wife again as when you first met. She needs to feel appreciated as a woman, and not the person that cooks, cleans and raises your kids.

As your first challenge, teach her how to drive so she can get her licence. She needs to feel some independence and it will give her the biggest boost of exhilaration. It's something new and exciting for her. If she accomplishes that, buy her a new car and encourage her to get a part time job. She really needs to get out of the house to do something rewarding...it doesn't have to be a job, but maybe she could do some volunteer work for the community or a charity. Trust me on this one...she will be rejuvinated, feel good about herself, and the sexual desire will return.

Now for the dating part. You both need to spend time away from the kids and the house. I'm sure you have older ones that can babysit and take care of the little ones while you two go out for the evening. Romance yes! Take her out for a nice dinner, or to a spa for a couples massage....remember to surprise her! Take this time to talk, and reconnect.....don't discuss family issues, work or the kids. Talk about traveling, or new places in town you'd like to explore....Try love notes, take her out shopping for pretty lingerie, show he affection outside the bedroom. You both could go out and buy new bedding and make your bedroom look refreshed...and make sure it is clean and tidy.


I know this sounds like a lot of work but it isn't really. This should have been a part of your relationship already and you most certainly wouldn't be here looking for advice. Once you start, you will see a difference and things should fall into place.

[Jolicoeur]

Is it fair that if the missis is also posting in this thread, I as a guy can try to help too?


The first problem that should be tackled is this trust issue. Regnent, you have posted some half-truths and apparently some lies, but you seem to be sorry about it now. Vampyria, you are reluctant to forgive him since there seems to be an history of half-truths and mistrusts, but you also seem to have trouble explaining everything, probably due to being rather emotional. (I feel compassion for both sides).

A few things are clear to me, both of you love your kids, you both at least try to do the right thing at times, and obviously you still are physically attracted to each other. The question is, how hard are you willing to work to resolve your problem?

Vampyria, can you forgive Regnent, even if the chance of him relapsing in half-truths is likely?

Regnent, are you willing to put in the extra effort, and if necessary, make some changes?


The second issue, which is probably harder to deal with, is the sex thing.

Vampyria, why do you want to wake up Regnent to have sex when at other times you elbow him when he touches you? Is there no middle-ground? Or is that not true at all?

Regnent, why do you want to jump your wife when she is asleep? Could this be a fantasy thing? Why do you see a 150$ meal as foreplay, but expect sex when she is asleep? And why do you need to blame her if you admit to (mild) absue yourself?

There is a possiblitiy that your horny cycles (I'm sure there is a more scientific term for this) are not in synch. Maybe the two of you should keep a notebook and mark down when (parts of day, days of month) you are more or less willing to have sex. Maybe you should grade it from 1 to 10 and make a little chart of it. Keep the notes secret for a month and then compare the cycles. This will give you a rough idea when the optimal times are for the both of you.

Every few days around that time you should schedule some quality time. This is not automatic hump time, but a moment when you should get rid of the kids (let the elder take care of the younger for an hour, or plan an hour together when they're all at school. And do something together. Not always sex, since sex should neither be self-evident or too regular. But do some things you both like, without stress, and if possible, doesn't cost too much money or effort from either one of you.

Next thing is foreplay. Of course this is very important to a woman. But you should find a form of foreplay that is pleasurable to the man too. Personally I find it very erotic to give a girlfriend a massage, and the relaxed state enhances lust for (I believe) most women.


Now, I've been close to tears reading this thread. If Regnent/Vampyria is some git having a laugh at our expense, I hope there is a custom dungeon somewhere in purgatory for you. But since I don't believe in any religion, the chances to that are pretty slim.

I hope this helps. Sorry for the lengthy post.

J.

[Vampyria]

we can afford our kids which I have stated many times. No house payments, debt or credit cards.

[Vampyria]

J!

No not a horrible joke. Real life which might be odd since just about every thread on here is about one person complaining about someone who has no idea they are posting here.

But we are doing awsome! Regnent is spending alot of time seeing his life, his wife and his children as actual indivuals. He see his oldest son has pickd up alot bad habits from him.

He is actually looking at me for me and the things I done in our lives. He also sees how I been covering for him with people, our kids and our family. He hasnt been grummpy,mean or started a fight. Course I am still kinda waiting for that to change, which I dont want it to, but I am use to it.

We just had our youngests 1st bday party and the church bake sale. We stayed up late baking for it together, it was a real hit! And he enjoyed himself. We had our frist real date ever! We went to a local play here! It was a great night. We been actaully talking and cuddling oh and look at that when a woman connects with someone they will have sex! Crazy!!!

He also went as far to admitt to my dad, our friends, and even his kids about the things he said and done. And apologized to me and most of them. He's really trying. He only got a little grumpy once and I reminded him not to go there, he corrected himself and even later explain why he was getting grumpy!

I loved for half my life, I have to work on trusting him again BUT you dont easily walk away from the biggest part of you (even though I had the ride and place to go ready). I love him, I want to believe he will stay this way, and I trying to work with him as much as possible.

So I thought I would assure you we are doing better, no ones died lol! And for those of you who actually read the posts and the details, and took an interest thank you.