My friend... uhh, "raped me". What now?

[Trishi]

I can't explain the rape part... it just felt like it... *sigh* And no, I don't want to press charges, just leave it already.

I got apartment back, he kind of left it. His parents live nearby, and he stays there, from what I've heard. I don't know what I'm going to do right now. He left a message on the table, along with the key, and said he was sorry. Not certain what to make of that, but it seems he isn't coming back. At least it feels good knowing he wasn't completely guiltless about this... He did care, even if it seemed to take a while before that got to him.

And about the orgasm, I'd rather heard explanations for it, than "it felt good, it wasn't rape". It felt uncomfortable, and I wanted him to stop it, but couldn't make myself. Those paradoxal emotions doesn't match up. I guess I'll figure it out when I meet up with the rape-thingy I've talked to. They might have an explanation on it. Even with some of you trying to explain it, it just doesn't sound right. Why would you feel good, when you don't? I thought sexual things were directly related to your mentality? Otherwise, how can you be gay/straight/anything? Wouldn't you just be everything, per definition? I don't understand it at all X_x

EDIT: Didn't notice the new reply

Well, talking to him is pretty much the last thing I feel like right now but I already said I didn't want to lose the guy as a friend (If that is what you were attempting to get at). But really, right now, I can't see us becoming friends again. We can try starting over, but I doubt things will go back to the way they were... You go off by explaining it was rape, but not a kind of rape that can be considered illegal, only to tell me to give him a chance... I actually thought about it at first, but right now, it doesn't exactly seem like the most sensible thing to do. Why would I want to give a guy who raped me, a new chance? Of course, he is my best friend, or was, but...

Perhaps, I'll try texting him a message. Truth to be told, I have had feelings for him. I always pushed them aside because he were my friend, and I liked it like that. But right now, those feelings seem quite distant... And I'm slightly afraid he will do nothing but take advantage of me. I can't exactly say if I want a friends-with-benefits relationship or more. I can't tell if this whole "feeling good" emotion was caused by some strange reaction you have by default in such situations, or if it was because he just was good. I am not inexperienced with sex by a long shot, but he was the best guy I can remember ever having had sex with. I can't remember if it started feeling good before the act, sadly.

[Take2]

Trishi, emotions are rarely as uncomplicated as you are wishing now. People are uncomfortable calling this rape because the guy could have believed he had consent, sure. But even if it wasn't rape, it was a huge violation of trust and a truly dickish move on his part. Nothing anyone says will change that. He made some big mistakes that have hurt you. It is quite common for rape victims in acquaintance rape situations to feel very conflicted.

1. You liked this guy as a friend. Your mind could not process during the act just how horribly he was abusing that friendship and trust. Feeling outraged and putting a stop to it would have been ending a friendship that meant something to you, after all. That's part of the conflict.

2. You didn't think this guy was bad looking, he wasn't someone scary to you. If he had approached less heinously, you might have had consentual sex with him. So your mind wasn't able to process this as a violation, so you didn't respond to it as one.

3. The physical enjoyment of the act confused you. You didn't know whether to participate or object.

4. Society works really hard to blame the victim in cases of sexual assault. We are trained from infancy to take the blame. Until far too recently a valid defense for rape in court was that the victim was a slut, like a woman who chose to have sex with several men obviously wanted sex with any guy who chose to give it to her, and therefore could not deny consent. This is ludicrous.

I am glad your friend left, I think your emotional health will benefit from that space. I encourage you to get professional help processing all of this, because it will be challenging. Do not blame yourself for your confusion or for your lack of resistance. Just learn more about yourself and figure out how you can grow from what you have learned.

I was once raped, an acquaintance rape. The guy drugged me and lied to me and raped me. I kind of liked the guy and had been hoping we might date. He actually asked me on a date 2 days after he raped me, which totally made me doubt myself. I felt guilty about the rape, conflicted about my feelings for the guy, confused about whether it was really rape. And my situation was much more cut and dry than yours. Confusion and conflict are normal, that's just how it works.

[doppelgaenger]

I was once raped, an acquaintance rape. The guy drugged me and lied to me and raped me.

See, now that is actually rape. It seems nowadays, most girls cry "rape" because they don't know how to say no - they aren't restrained, they aren't at gunpoint, and they aren't unconscious/drugged. That's what bothers me.

[Take2]

See, now that is actually rape. It seems nowadays, most girls cry "rape" because they don't know how to say no - they aren't restrained, they aren't at gunpoint, and they aren't unconscious/drugged. That's what bothers me.

Sure, my case was pretty clearcut. Except I didn't know he had drugged me at the time. So some people might have said I shouldn't drink if I didn't want to get drunk and how was he to know I didn't want him to have sex with me while I was passed out? I didn't press charges because he was a co-worker and the publicity would have ruined my career. And the reason for that is the assinine blame-the-victim mentality I see in your posts and others right here on this thread. Why in the world should ALL of the responsibility for assuring consent lie with the woman? Shouldn't the guy hold SOME responsibility for making sure the sex is consentual?

And how exactly does a girl go about saying no that would measure up to your standards? Can she say no even if she wore a short skirt and consented to kissing? Is there some number of times she needs to repeat it even as the guy persists? Can anyone who lives in my home assume sex with me is probably OK without asking me? Is it OK for ANY guy to walk into my bathroom and climb into the shower with me and press me against the wall and have anal sex with me, is my consent assumed until I scream NO 5 times and chant some secret code?

[doppelgaenger]

Sure, my case was pretty clearcut. Except I didn't know he had drugged me at the time. So some people might have said I shouldn't drink if I didn't want to get drunk and how was he to know I didn't want him to have sex with me while I was passed out?

It's pretty clear he intended to get you unconscious and take advantage of you since he drugged you up. Your consent obviously didn't matter to him - so it was rape.

I didn't press charges because he was a co-worker and the publicity would have ruined my career. And the reason for that is the assinine blame-the-victim mentality I see in your posts and others right here on this thread. Why in the world should ALL of the responsibility for assuring consent lie with the woman? Shouldn't the guy hold SOME responsibility for making sure the sex is consentual?

No, it's not the guy's responsibility at all. Sorry, that's just how it is. What's so hard about being responsible for one's own choices? Assuming you're not drugged up or anything. Is it really that hard to say "no"?

And how exactly does a girl go about saying no that would measure up to your standards? Can she say no even if she wore a short skirt and consented to kissing?

Of course she can... ?

Is there some number of times she needs to repeat it even as the guy persists?

No. Once should suffice, and if he makes you feel uncomfortable with his persistence, you should get the hell away. It's called defending yourself. Jeeze.

Can anyone who lives in my home assume sex with me is probably OK without asking me? Is it OK for ANY guy to walk into my bathroom and climb into the shower with me and press me against the wall and have anal sex with me, is my consent assumed until I scream NO 5 times and chant some secret code?

Now you're taking the OP's situation out of context. This is a male friend she's known for years, who she even allowed to expose himself to her and masturbate in front of her. It sounds to me like she didn't put up a fight at all. Sounds like she didn't say "no" or put up a fight or any amount of resistance - she enjoyed it. In other words, she wasn't raped, she just feels weird because her childhood friend gave it to her good and because they were so close for so long she has mixed feelings.

[Trishi]

I can see the warning I recieved weren't that far off... And I am not even certain why this discussion about "rape" go on... I've already agreed that the term "Rape" were far too loosely used. And I'm sorry about that. As it would seem, however, rape takes different forms... Someone already mentioned it, and my Doc told me about the 2-sided nature of rape as well. It's definition is widely different, depending on the form of rape we are talking about.

That's besides the point, however. Shit happened, and it feels like some misunderstanding have been caused because of my passivity in this whole matter..

Which leads to an excellent question to those saying this isn't rape: Let's say you found yourself in this position, and took advantage of it. What would your motive have been? Would you have done it randomly with a friend, hoping you could stay friends? To advance further, as Friends-with-benefits, or even lovers? You speak as though you understand him, and that's exactly what I was hoping to find: Someone to give me a bit of insight in his way of thinking, perhaps? I'm quite serious here. If you can give me any idea why someone would advance like this, seem like it was no big deal at first, only to make a U-turn and feel sorry about it, I'd be forever grateful...

[Take2]

No, it's not the guy's responsibility at all. Sorry, that's just how it is. What's so hard about being responsible for one's own choices? Assuming you're not drugged up or anything. Is it really that hard to say "no"?

Say what? Sex is a 2-way street. An honorable guy makes sure the woman is consenting, which isn't that hard to do. An honorable and mature guy doesn't want a girl to feel what Trishi is feeling right now. No, if a woman is able to say no and doesn't it probably doesn't meet the criteria for rape. But it's a gray area and it is NOT OK.

I will tell you another story. I eventually found out the guy who raped me was friends with another guy who asked me out to dinner shortly after the rape. I didn't know it then, or I would have declined. I went out with dude 2 and after half of 1 drink I started to feel woozy, but didn't say anything. Then he started trying to convince me to go back to his house for a nap so we could party later. Odd, right? When I refused, he suddenly decided he didn't want to take me to dinner after all. (It was a couple of days later when I realized both men had drugged me and were buddies).

I drove woozily to a friend's house where I made a pass at a guy I knew a little and then practically passed out. He didn't drug me, or know that I had been drugged. He could have slept with me and I wouldn't have said no, and he liked me. It would not have been rape, but it wouldn't have been honorable, either. He didn't lay a hand on me, he waited and asked me out the next week when I was clearly sober. That's called self-respect.

[Sunnybeach7]

Did you at any time say no, or make any action to suggest you did not want him to do what he was doing? If not, then it's not really rape legally, because he might have stopped if you had said something.

[vashti]

I find myself in the uncomfortable position of agreeing with doppel, maybe for the first time ever. As the mother of a son (and also a daughter), I find such loose definitions of rape to be extremely dangerous to males. Body language and words need to match, in order for a girl to be taken seriously when she says she doesn't want sex. And to make this even less compelling, there were neither words NOR body language that resisted. This is simply post-coital remorse.

I don't think the guy did anything differently than the majority of men would do - have sex with a girl who appeared to be consenting. If he feels sorry for anything, I would guess it would be that she felt remorseful afterwards.

I hope you women who feel the original poster was victimized will take the time to teach your girls how to make sure their words and body language are congruent.

[Take2]

vashti, just to clarify, I DO NOT think this dude should be held criminally responsible. I think he should be ashamed of physically overpowering her without making damn sure she was on board, I don't think that was an honorable way to act. But I don't think it was criminal behavior either. We know the OP feels ashamed of not being clear in word and deed that she wasn't on board with this, and that was certainly a bad choice she made in the moment. The thing is, she can be victimized without him having been criminal. It's not an either/or thing. And I think it is a very bad idea to propogate the idea that "enjoying it" means that she isn't really a victim and he didn't do anything wrong.

I have a daughter. She will hear from me that she has a responsibility to be clear about what she wants and doesn't want sexually. It is a really bad idea to get yourself into an ambiguous situation with regard to sexual consent. Be 100% clear all the time, yes or no, a guy doesn't deserve to have to guess.

I have a son. He will hear from me that he has a responsibility to make 100% sure he is not pressuring or forcing ANY sexual contact on any partner. And if he has any question, he should err on the side of NOT. There will be plenty of opportunities for clearly consensual sex another day.

Neither party is free of responsibility in sexual encounters. When I say that the guy had some responsibility, it doesn't negate the girl's responsibility. They both failed here, but she pays the higher price.

[MerryH]

I hope you women who feel the original poster was victimized will take the time to teach your girls how to make sure their words and body language are congruent.

Will do. I hope you teach your son that it is not okay to whip it out in front of a female friend and masturbate and also to not invite himself into her shower and pin her against the wall and put it in her ass with no prior warning of any sort.

[KingZ]

if she enjoyed it, then she wasn't raped.

How are you this stupid?

I find myself in the uncomfortable position of agreeing with doppel, maybe for the first time ever.

No. Don't be nice to him.

[doppelgaenger]

Say what? Sex is a 2-way street. An honorable guy makes sure the woman is consenting, which isn't that hard to do. An honorable and mature guy doesn't want a girl to feel what Trishi is feeling right now. No, if a woman is able to say no and doesn't it probably doesn't meet the criteria for rape. But it's a gray area and it is NOT OK.

You're contradicting yourself here. Yes, sex is a two-way street, but that means that the male is also giving his consent. I don't appreciate the textbook definition labeling rape as a crime that "a man" commits. Women can certainly rape, too, and if not for sexual pleasure, then for other reasons. We live in a society of equality, where it is now the female's responsibility to make the right decisions. What you're saying here is "men should take SOME responsibility to make sure that the girl is consenting", when in fact you mean it's a man's complete responsibility to make sure that a girl is consenting, which is, unfortunately, the reason why when a girl cries "rape", the guy is defenseless.

My brother was raped three years ago by the ex wife of his friend. She drugged him up and took advantage of him, much in the same way you were. He didn't want to sleep with her - he doesn't like her at all. Afterward, he was scared shitless, that she might have used him to get pregnant, that he might have been infected with some kind of sexually transmitted disease, and for a number of other reasons. You might say that "oh, he's a man and all men enjoy sex, even if they don't like the woman; you can't rape the willing" and you might say "this is an exceptional case", but both are simply untrue.

Silence implies consent. Sorry, but if the guy doesn't directly ask "do you want to have sex with me" and if the girl doesn't make any effort to resist, then (unless the girl is below the age of consent, and unless she is drugged/restrained/at gunpoint) it is her fault. Furthermore, if she's drunk (i.e. she decided to drink enough to become intoxicated on her own will) and she makes a poor judgment and decides to give consent when she normally wouldn't, then it's not rape. Sorry, but you just can't write it off as "teehee, I'm just a stupid girl and since I was under the influence he should've known", which seems to be quite common. Ugh.

I will tell you another story. I eventually found out the guy who raped me was friends with another guy who asked me out to dinner shortly after the rape. I didn't know it then, or I would have declined. I went out with dude 2 and after half of 1 drink I started to feel woozy, but didn't say anything. Then he started trying to convince me to go back to his house for a nap so we could party later. Odd, right? When I refused, he suddenly decided he didn't want to take me to dinner after all. (It was a couple of days later when I realized both men had drugged me and were buddies).

I drove woozily to a friend's house where I made a pass at a guy I knew a little and then practically passed out. He didn't drug me, or know that I had been drugged. He could have slept with me and I wouldn't have said no, and he liked me. It would not have been rape, but it wouldn't have been honorable, either. He didn't lay a hand on me, he waited and asked me out the next week when I was clearly sober. That's called self-respect.

Umm, you were feeling woozy, so I'm sure it was pretty obvious to your guy friend who didn't rape you. If he had raped you (yes, rape, because you were drugged), then he could have and should have been charged for rape. On the other hand, the guy who had drugged you would have also been responsible. Sorry, but these complications do not support your claims.

[Horseyguy]

Troll !!!

In the first post she said "I took a bath like always, when he suddenly decided to "join" me" and then in the second post she said "He came in, naked to begin with, and climbed into the shower"

BS story and it shits me when people think using rape to get some attention is funny

[doppelgaenger]

Troll !!!

In the first post she said "I took a bath like always, when he suddenly decided to "join" me" and then in the second post she said "He came in, naked to begin with, and climbed into the shower"

BS story and it shits me when people think using rape to get some attention is funny

Shut the hell up.

A lot of "showers" these days also include a bathtub, and people tend to use these words interchangeably. You must live under a rock if you didn't know that.