My Newlywed Husband Said He's Disgusted By Me

[jb1111983]

I honestly thought that not all guys were exactly alike, and that lack of experience doesn't have to mean jealousy and insecurity just because the other person has experience. I hate to group all guys together, but I suppose we're talking human nature?

Anyway, we had a long talk (without a letter). We talked for 2 hours and hugged it out. He was open and willing to talk but I don't think would have initiated it. He apologized for what he said, said he was thinking irriationally and didn't fully mean all that he said. What he DID mean, though, was that yes, he's insecure about my past, and that he likes to think of me as just his, and still has trouble thinking of me having experience, especially since he doesn't (I'm not surprised by any of this, just would've liked it stated in those words the first time around). He said since we are now married, he realizes there's absolutely no way he will have physical contact with another woman unless it is cheating, and it freaks him out to think that he will be with 1 person for the rest of his life and that he thinks it's easier for me to feel that way since I've had my time to "play the field." He said he thinks we met at the best time for me and the worst time for him, because once we met, he honestly thought we'd get married, but he had never had that exploratory time that he could've in college and I had.

So, I asked him how I can help to make this easier on him. We're going to keep discussing it (not my past, but his feelings about it and us), and he said he's thought a threesome would be good because it would be a way for him to get some form of experience with a female other than me but I'd be there so it would be the least offensive way for him to have interaction with someone else, and then he thinks he'd be over his insecurities. I disagree completely and told him that's extremely selfish since he's known my view on bringing other people into a relationship, and that all of these feelings must've come up at some point before we officially got married, and he could have told me all of these things much sooner so we could figure something out because it's unfair to me who can't change things. He apologized, said he knows the things he said to me were awful, he does love me so much and that's why this is so hard because he feels stupid since we both do feel like we have the perfect life together except for this, and that any guy would be happy to be with me so he feels like there's something wrong with him. He IS attracted to me after all, but feels bored with us sexually right now and inadequate with his lack of experience so he flipped because it came out as anger on me. Which very much upsets me, because we've been together so long that it's terrible getting married is what had to make him realize this. We'll work on it, but I don't know how exactly. I told him I think part of why we get bored is because we have our schedules and have little time where we both feel the right mood, and then when we get to that point, there's this emotional barrier between us. I don't want him to get together with anyone else, but if I knew it would fix this issue for the rest of our marriage, I'd be fine with it. I do wish that he could realize how this doesn't need to affect our relationship now since it's been so long, but I can't tell him how to feel and it's unfair of me also to ignore his emotions.

He also works from home literally from 10am-midnight except to eat, and he said he is getting stir crazy not seeing anyone or having outside stimuli other than seeing the cat. We need to go do more things. He starts dwelling on things and it's like he's in The Shining or something, all couped up in the house. Sigh. He's a lot for me to handle, lol. He does NOT want to break up, but I still thinking counseling would be helpful and he still said no. I'm going to see a counselor and maybe that will help me learn how to make him feel better about this.

He never voiced this before except for 1 time when we were 21 and I went abroad. I told him we could take a break and he said he was afraid I'd go hook up wtih people to get back at him for wanting a break, and meanwhile he wouldn't be able to get any girls. I offered to get him a prostitute because I said I don't knwo what else to do for you. (I was not serious). Big sigh.

Thank you SO MUCH for listening to my issues and being so extremely helpful. You have all been the most sincere people online that I've come across. BIG thank you.

wtf! Didn't he know what he was getting into when he asked you for marriage? Didn't he know it would mean being with one woman, you his wife, for the rest of his life? And now he says he wants to experience fooking another woman? Now that's really Disgusting!!! Don't let him disrespect you further than he already has. Some of the advice you've got from forum members here are very good.

[IndiReloaded]

hmmmmm I personally didn't notice Incognito...
and I don't personally bash people for religious posts unless they are trying to shove their beliefs down someone elses throat...

Oh and Christians can't be argued with. When you believe in fairy tales your logic wiring is faulty. (waits for someone to bring up the fact that I believe in astrology...)

^...but you believe in Astrology.

I wasn't saying anything....

[pisces25]

OP

My ex, whilst not the same issues, had similar issues re sex and his sexual attraction to me and within a few months of our relationship he was asking if I would allow him to get sex from prostitutes as he simply couldn't get turned on by me. Of course I said no. But I stupidly hung around for another few months before kickin his ass to the curb. He went off to therapy and came back 3 weeks later saying things had changed and he wanted to try again. Stupidly, I said yes. And granted some things had changed but I was a fool for thinking he would be 'fixed' in this amount of time. Anyway long story short on one level things had changed but on another he was still completely the same and said nasty things to me simply coz he hated himself and wanted to bring me down to his level. A lot was brought up in therapy, relating to his past and some emotional abuse from his dad which is what he was doing to me.

I tried to justify his behaviour, I felt sorry for him having issues and didn't want to be the one to bail on him, all that classic stuff but at the end of the day I knew in my gut this wasn't how a relationship should be so I called things off 6 weeks ago. This was after 11 months on/off together. I was emotionally exhausted and my self-esteem was shattered. I am slowly picking up the pieces. Meantime one week after we broke up he had an online dating profile, looking for his next victim.

Please take advice from someone who has been in something similar (although not married) this as a huge HUGE warning sign that this man is mentally disturbed and unless he gets help it will only get worse. Do not ignore the advice you have been given on this forum, these people know what they are talking about.

I wish you all the best in finding the strength to either walk away from this toxic man or at least put your foot down and insist in counselling. If not, you are in for a very long, destructive path and you need to really ask yourself if this is how you want your life to be.

[MaidenMinx]

I wasn't saying anything....

Lol indi. I thought I'd pick on myself before anyone else could. :p

[Incognito]

I wasn't saying anything....

Ha, you disappoint me

[HeartIsAching]

hmmmmm I personally didn't notice Incognito...
and I don't personally bash people for religious posts unless they are trying to shove their beliefs down someone elses throat...

Oh and Christians can't be argued with. When you believe in fairy tales your logic wiring is faulty. (waits for someone to bring up the fact that I believe in astrology...)

I believe in Fairies. Can I appeal to Galadriel when we have issues?

[IndiReloaded]

Ha, you disappoint me

You mean my opinion on this subject isn't known by now?? I'm boring, but I do strive not to be TOO boring.

[misombra]

If I were a counselor I would tell you to work it out so I could cash in on the many hours id spend doodling and pretending to listen to you.