60 day he-tox

[vashti]

As I read through all this, I see that he does care for you, and he did give it his best shot to be strong for you BUT, it may have scared him off being there to see what you have to deal with on a daily basis would wear him and the relationship down.

This thought has definitely occurred to me, though to be fair to myself, I never asked for anything, not from him or anyone else. I do not want to be seen as needy (even when I feel it), and I definitely don't want my daughter to be seen as a burden, so I never whine out loud. Too prideful, I guess. Thanks for your perspective.

cam ?

No, silly. YOU. lol

Misombra - I <3 you. We should plan another get-together.
Indi - I likewise do not see you as a failure AT ALL. You tried to make something whole with a bunch of broken pieces, and you stuck it out for longer than most people would have done. You have nothing to feel bad about.

[vashti]

He married someone who was pretty, not terribly responsible and sounds shallow. No kids, I'm guessing. Men often marry these types for their own egos. Are you sure he loved her, and not how she *made him feel*?

I was thinking about this today, and I remembered hearing at some point that men don't really fall in love with women; they fall in love with the way a woman makes them feel. If that is the case, then I see what went wrong; he was always feeling like an asshole when it came to dealing with me (not that he didn't deserve to).

[vashti]

Botched it, remorseful, I need a babysitter.

Back at day 2, and semi-drunk.

[asdfg789]

he's good

[Love'sReject]

he's good

That sounds insensitive..

[haxan]

Botched it, remorseful, I need a babysitter.

Back at day 2, and semi-drunk.

Stay away from the mirror


If it makes you feel any better, people who do the right/rational thing in affairs of the heart during a breakup are like outlaw bikers, 1% 'ers.

You're going to have to get it right soon though..

[Wakeup]

Three things immediately come to mind.

1. You can't stop smoking if you keep having a drag off a cigarette

2. You may think it's therapeutic to come here and vent. I think all it's doing is keeping him and your struggle forefront in your mind.

My advice.. get some Nicorette for the heart (that would be something unique to you that will keep your mind off of him) and then delete this thread.

3. You resign to the fact that you're addicted to him, stop chastising yourself for not being happy with what he can give you and just enjoy. There's really no point in being unhappy when you're with him and when you're not. So pick a stance and be strong.

Peace, Vashti.

[asdfg789]

3. You resign to the fact that you're addicted to him, stop chastising yourself for not being happy with what he can give you and just enjoy. There's really no point in being unhappy when you're with him and when you're not.

^^ I'm thinking this

[vashti]

Three things immediately come to mind.

1. You can't stop smoking if you keep having a drag off a cigarette

2. You may think it's therapeutic to come here and vent. I think all it's doing is keeping him and your struggle forefront in your mind.

My advice.. get some Nicorette for the heart (that would be something unique to you that will keep your mind off of him) and then delete this thread.

3. You resign to the fact that you're addicted to him, stop chastising yourself for not being happy with what he can give you and just enjoy. There's really no point in being unhappy when you're with him and when you're not. So pick a stance and be strong.

Peace, Vashti.

Thanks.

Re: your point number 2 - I don't think it's primarily therapeutic. I've been posting here instead of contacting him.

Re: number 3 - I wish I knew how to make peace with what he is willing to offer. That would be a ideal. Sex ruined everything... pity a woman's vagina is tied to her heart (or maybe that's just mine?)... if I hadn't ever slept with him, I wouldn't have become so emotionally attached.

So tell me: do you know how I can learn to be happy with settling for less? (This is a genuine question, and not intended to be snarky.)

[Hotaru]

I haven't read the entire thread so I apologize if this was said already but have you talked to him about this? If he can't offer more, it might be worth it to ask him to keep his distance for your sake. I suppose I got lucky with "my" guy in that he was already hard to keep in touch with so over time, even though it still hurts and I think of him almost every day, I've gotten a bit more indifferent.

[vashti]

I haven't read the entire thread so I apologize if this was said already but have you talked to him about this? If he can't offer more, it might be worth it to ask him to keep his distance for your sake. I suppose I got lucky with "my" guy in that he was already hard to keep in touch with so over time, even though it still hurts and I think of him almost every day, I've gotten a bit more indifferent.

Yes, I think I've mentioned before that I've talked to him about this to the point that even *I* am sick of it. I told him I needed 60 days. The thing is, I miss him, and he doesn't WANT me to become indifferent... he wants me to be happy with what he is willing to give.

[IndiReloaded]

he wants me to be happy with what he is willing to give.

As you told me: what YOU want matters. You need to distance yourself. This isn't going to work for you. :hugs:

[fearoflove]

I am going through a breakup because my ex boyfriend don't want to take things to the next level (don't want to commit) too although in a different sort of way than yours. The more I think about it and as time goes by since the breakup, the more I thought the decision to leave him was a good choice. Although, there are moments of weakness when I really want to convince myself that I should stay and just be happy with the emotional scraps he was giving me, I know I just wouldn't be happy with it in the long run. When there are very different level of love between two people, it won't work out. IF you ALSO want/ is fine with something casual then things are cool. But that is not what you want because your love for him make you want a committed relationship with him. It is like in the Notebook (if you watched that move). Noah associated with two women primarily. Allie is Noah's real love (he would do everything for her) but Sara is a woman Noah just keeps on the side to fulfill his moments of lonliness. When men want to keep a woman but don't want to commit and give her everything he has, she is just his side piece. It is your choice. You want to be Allie or Sara? You probably have it even worse than Sara because at least she is cool with the casual arrangement because her real love is her ex-husband (who died in the war).

[Wakeup]

Vashti, It's all a matter of not needing to control and about knowing without a doubt that you only have control over yourself and your choices. The goal is to stop feeling out of control... that is when you will feel less angst about what you do have with him.

I'm not saying that being with him on his terms is the best option forever ~ rather that it maybe the best option for you until you're in a better position to be keep him out of your life. When your daughter is more independent for instance and you're actually open to meeting a man that is a good life-mate and partner. Perhaps sub-consciously, you're not ready to commit to anyone yourself, hence why you find him so hard to disengage from. He gives you everything you only need at this point. If he were to commit, it may not be the same. (????)

Damn it's hard, I get that. Thing is, we have to look at the big picture. If you keep him in your life then start being okay with it by slowly disengaging in any bonding rituals. No more cuddling after sex. (Save that for the man you end up sharing your life for real) No more initiating, make him do the work. No more sleep-overs. Keep it friendly and non-bonding, no more of anything that will keep you bonded. That is a slow way to wean you from his emotional grasp.

Keep in mind that you're not alone in being a woman who is hooked on a man that won't commit to her. Attitude has a lot to do with being okay with having a lover without commitment… Take back your power and you be the boss of this. Don’t always say yes when he wants to see you be genuinely too pre-occupied with other things like friends/hobbies/your life. Stop framing him as the prize. You're the prize and don't you forget it.

The thing is, I miss him, and he doesn't WANT me to become indifferent

To hell with what he wants at this point. If you keep doing this with him then You start being the boss of it. Leader up NOW. When you see that you really do have some control in this (with your own actions) you will lessen your heart-sick feelings.

[Hotaru]

Yes, I think I've mentioned before that I've talked to him about this to the point that even *I* am sick of it. I told him I needed 60 days. The thing is, I miss him, and he doesn't WANT me to become indifferent... he wants me to be happy with what he is willing to give.

Maybe this is the wrong angle to come from but think about that - he's hurting you. You're obviously not happy and he's the cause. You told him what you need and his response has twice been to deny you. First, he refused to commit. Then, he refused to back off. He's in control and he's not thinking of you, he's thinking of himself. He likes things how they are and doesn't give enough of a shit to help you, whether that be by committing or by backing off knowing he can't/doesn't want to give you more. I don't know about you, but that kind of behavior pisses me off when I see it. I don't even know this guy and it pisses me off. It's selfish and hurtful and a shit thing to do to someone you claim to care about.

Now, I've seen your posts around here and you are/can be a very feisty woman. Don't put up with that. He's not the only one who matters here. Maybe holding onto what I just said will help, I don't know. I, personally, tend to do better when I focus on the bad rather than the good and get a little anger going and you have every right to be furious with him at this point.