Question about sex for the ladies

[Wakeup]

Come on, Wakeup- do you really think I just say, "Okay, lay on the bed, I'm going to lick you?"

No I don't think that. I would imagine, that like many (most?) men you enjoy giving face. My point is that most (all?) women would not just say "Okay, I'm ready to cash in on that offer" Most men however would gladly say yes to such an offer and actually call in the favor.

BTW: It's quite easy to give lip service as your co-worker so aptly did. Unfortunately, unless you have an affair with her, you'll never really know if she would or wouldn't cash in those chips.

Its refreshing to see that you are talking to wifey about the number and whether or not you are exhausting her. I hope you are listening to what she is saying. She's telling you, at least in some capacity, exactly what we've been saying about dialing it back.

It's too bad she won't blow you. I have a feeling you'd get over the top much quicker if she learned how to give good head. In the meantime... I've heard that Viagra or Cialis can help you pop sooner. Maybe speak to your doctor about that???

[PaulieWalnuts]

I've been following quietly and wish to jump back in. It was the bit about her not giving you oral which made me think.

When you do persuade her into having sex, aside from the oral, does she enjoy giving you pleasure? Does she get enjoyment from seeing how much she can arouse you? Does she tell you to lie back while she does wonderful things to you? In short, does she enjoy sex enough to give as well as receive?

I'm wanting to rule out the idea that there's a disconnect between receiving of physical pleasure and the whole act of 'love making'. (I hate that term BTW, I just couldn't think of a better description for what I'm trying to get across).

None of that, really, basil.

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No I don't think that. I would imagine, that like many (most?) men you enjoy giving face. My point is that most (all?) women would not just say "Okay, I'm ready to cash in on that offer" Most men however would gladly say yes to such an offer and actually call in the favor.

BTW: It's quite easy to give lip service as your co-worker so aptly did. Unfortunately, unless you have an affair with her, you'll never really know if she would or wouldn't cash in those chips.

Well, I LOVE giving oral, and do it every time we make love. I "re-offer" that standing offer when I know she's getting ready to shower from time to time- the answer is almost always "no." ONE time, SHE brought it up... saying, "Remember when you said that? I'll take it tonight."
On a funnier note, I've often joked with her that a man would never balk at that. "Nah, it would feel too good to cum in your mouth."

Its refreshing to see that you are talking to wifey about the number and whether or not you are exhausting her. I hope you are listening to what she is saying. She's telling you, at least in some capacity, exactly what we've been saying about dialing it back.

Just to be clear, in asking very specific questions, she loves it while I'm doing it to her- she just doesn't like the soreness afterwards.

It's too bad she won't blow you. I have a feeling you'd get over the top much quicker if she learned how to give good head. In the meantime... I've heard that Viagra or Cialis can help you pop sooner. Maybe speak to your doctor about that???

Not really. That takes me a while, too, and I have to admit- selfish as it may be- I do (did) enjoy that long journey in the past.
I hadn't heard that about Viagra.

[basilandthyme]

None of that, really, basil.

"none of that" meaning that she's not into giving you pleasure? I think we're starting to get somewhere.

I'm not going to buy into the whole "she's faking/not faking" because I'm not there. And each person's sexual experience can be so different. However, if she's not into giving pleasure to you, I think it's fair to say that she doesn't enjoy lovemaking. And if she doesn't enjoy lovemaking, she's not going to seek it out.

So, I would say that either

a) She is having a purely physical sexual response to what you're doing to her, but her mind isn't into lovemaking as a whole. It's like how I (and probably many other women) could potentially have multiple orgasms with a vibrator to fill in time....without actually being highly aroused. Orgasm can happen without arousal.

b) She fakes orgasm to keep you happy but isn't into lovemaking as a whole.

Unfortunately, both of these options would have her not being into the whole sharing, caring part of sex. It's tough, but it would explain why she doesn't seek out sex.

Do you think she loves and adores you? I do know a woman who was in possession of a high sex drive. But his morbid obesity and marital issues turned her off having sex with him. She was able to get herself past the turn offs and have sex with him, but I'd be guessing that if she wasn't a highly sexual person, she would have simply rejected sex. I'm rambling. I guess the question is: would she be like this with all men - or is it a lack of connection between the two of you?

[Wakeup]

Not really. That takes me a while, too,

I said learned how to give GOOD head.

[PaulieWalnuts]

"none of that" meaning that she's not into giving you pleasure? I think we're starting to get somewhere.

I'm not going to buy into the whole "she's faking/not faking" because I'm not there. And each person's sexual experience can be so different. However, if she's not into giving pleasure to you, I think it's fair to say that she doesn't enjoy lovemaking. And if she doesn't enjoy lovemaking, she's not going to seek it out.

So, I would say that either

a) She is having a purely physical sexual response to what you're doing to her, but her mind isn't into lovemaking as a whole. It's like how I (and probably many other women) could potentially have multiple orgasms with a vibrator to fill in time....without actually being highly aroused. Orgasm can happen without arousal.

b) She fakes orgasm to keep you happy but isn't into lovemaking as a whole.

Unfortunately, both of these options would have her not being into the whole sharing, caring part of sex. It's tough, but it would explain why she doesn't seek out sex.

Do you think she loves and adores you? I do know a woman who was in possession of a high sex drive. But his morbid obesity and marital issues turned her off having sex with him. She was able to get herself past the turn offs and have sex with him, but I'd be guessing that if she wasn't a highly sexual person, she would have simply rejected sex. I'm rambling. I guess the question is: would she be like this with all men - or is it a lack of connection between the two of you?

Yes, she still adores me. She takes care of me in so many other ways. Also, I don't think she derives nothing from lovemaking, and I say this because she "dresses up' for sex and when we're approaching what is a night we've agreed to make a "date night" for sex, she will sometimes make pillow-talk type comments in the days or hours leading up, or send me sexy texts, etc. As I mentioned before, she's also into the dom/sub roles. (Not pain, just dominance)
And she's been multi-orgasmic since the beginning, and was very naive and ignorant about sex in the beginning, as she was a virgin. I don't buy that someone who is a new initiate to sex is going to be sly enough to start faking orgasms from the start.

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I said learned how to give GOOD head.

Oh, I've had good head. My ex loved it.

[basilandthyme]

I think it's fair to say that most women who enjoy sex also enjoy giving pleasure to their partners. And I think it's fair to say that most women who don't enjoy sex don't enjoy giving pleasure.

Now your wife may be an aberration to the above. I don't know the truth. However, none of us here can relate to the idea of a woman who loves sex but who doesn't seek it out, who doesn't enjoy giving her partner pleasure and who wouldn't be open to seeing a professional for help.

Of course, it may be that your wife is simply different to us. However, in order to help, we need to be able to relate.

[PaulieWalnuts]

I think it's fair to say that most women who enjoy sex also enjoy giving pleasure to their partners. And I think it's fair to say that most women who don't enjoy sex don't enjoy giving pleasure.

Now your wife may be an aberration to the above. I don't know the truth. However, none of us here can relate to the idea of a woman who loves sex but who doesn't seek it out, who doesn't enjoy giving her partner pleasure and who wouldn't be open to seeing a professional for help.

Of course, it may be that your wife is simply different to us. However, in order to help, we need to be able to relate.

Ha ha, well, you're not going to believe this, but Saturday nights are our routine "date nights" and usually I'll start getting excited about it a day or two in advance and start dropping hints. Kind of in a funk about all of this, so I didn't mention it this time, and she just said good night to me and pulled me close and said that tomorrow is our "big day." I asked her to elaborate, and she said, "Big boom-boom night!"

[basilandthyme]

Well that's great for tomorrow night - but the problem still exists, yes?

I guess we've given you somewhere in the realm of 20+ ideas as to where the problem may stem from. And failing all those ideas, there is the option of therapy. I honestly believe that the answer is somewhere in all these suggestions. But without open, honest and willing communication on her part, nothing will change.

Good luck.

[megvoh]

My wife and I have been married 14 years. If it matters, she is 42 and I'm 48. We have always had amazing sex once we get into the bed and get things rolling. The problem is getting there.
I want to clarify that I do my part in the bedroom. I could understand if a husband didn't know what he was doing, skipped foreplay; was a selfish lover or didn't satisfy his woman's needs. That's not the case here. Lets just say that for every time I "win" in bed, she "wins" 10-15 times, and she gets the full treatment; oral, fingers (Which she really likes) and a healthy does of of intercourse. Seeing her climax is the most exciting part of love-making for me. When I was younger, like many men I had a premature problem; now its the opposite...I really have to work to get over that cliff, if you know what I mean. Anything she wants, I give it to her. Whenever we finish, and I say "That was amazing," her response is always, "It always is."
Despite the aforementioned, it is always I who has to ask for sex, and I pretty much have to ask beforehand; she turns me down so often I no longer try spontaneous sex, as it is more difficult for me to deal with the rejection if I try to start and am rebuffed, than if I simply ask and am told "no." (To be truthful, that hurts too) Its as if she doesn't need intimacy with me at all; its just a bonus for her- but maybe that's because she knows its always available for her whenever she wants.
So hungry am I for this contact, I've given her an open and standing offer throughout our marriage: Any evening she wants, I will give her oral sex and digital (Fingers) no strings attached; I don't require or expect her to reciprocate at all. I figure this makes it very easy for her; a relaxing time of being pleasured before she showers. In 14 years of marriage, I think she has taken me up on this offer about 3-4 times.
Any advice? I'm losing my mind here, and feeling hurt.

Only replying off your original post because long thread long - can't wade through all of this.

Is she from the mindset off the guy always initiates sex? Have you told her, initiate as much as me? or you just wait for her to and it never happens?
What reasons does she turn you down with, are they legit to you? or excuses?
She just doesn't like asking, maybe she sees it as being too needy, or again shes the type of woman who always believed its the mans job to ask and start it off.
Tell her it is hurting you, and ask for honest reasons why she won't all these years, and that sex and intimacy is important to a healthy marriage and you want to feel desired by her as much as she wants to be from you.

[basilandthyme]

Going back to basics so that you know I have some idea of what I'm talking about.

I've been multi-orgasmic with hair trigger issues (starting orgasm when he lays a hand on me and I can't stop till he ceases), my father once referenced my love of sex (that was embarrassing - is it so obvious?). My teen years were a whirlwind of fun sex with me being the aggressor. I joke that my now partner of 23 years is the world's longest one night stand. I can talk about sex with my best friend till the cows come home.

I've also been a new mother who wanted sex but was dead scared because of my still-healing parts. I've had depression and it did a number on my sex drive. I think the meds I'm on still effect it somewhat. Drinking too much? Yeah, that will do it. Menopause was a shocker - dry vagina anyone? So did being very unattracted to my ex-husband while we were still together - despite having a civil relationship, I would rather have stuck pins in my eyes than have sex with him. And do we even start on the impact of being primary carer of children?

I am currently working on the post menopausal sex drive - I love sex and am not ok with a loss of sex drive. I've read books and seen doctors. I'm going to the gym. And yes, I'm making progress. But without my own determined efforts, change will not be forthcoming.

Meanwhile, I can accidentally touch hubby's penis in bed and penis is like "HELLO?" I wish women were like this. But we're not. We're complicated beasts and our arousal and sex drive can be affected by so many things. This is why we've thrown out so many ideas at you. But all we can do is give you suggestions as to what to look for. The rest is up to you and your wife.

[Wakeup]

I have read enough forums to know that a whole lotta men with delayed ejaculation problems are having trouble getting their partners in bed but, like Paulie's wife, once there they enjoy it.

Paulie: You have to open up your mind to the fact that your wife is telling you in so many words, and while trying not to offend you, that the marathon sessions are fun once in a while but all the time... well it's exhausting and it makes her sore. I'll not give you any personal experience but I will tell you that those types of sessions make it so that once or twice a month is enough for most women. (Men like you make great booty call partners in fact.) As I said earlier... there are exceptions but your wife does not appear to be one of them.

Google: "Help with delayed ejaculation" and read... take it further and see your doctor about using Cialis to help you with that. I would like to see you get her off with your fingers for one or two and then make love to her and orgasm without having to "hammer her." It would be very interesting to see if she was more responsive to doing it again sooner if you were to try that.

I will say that she is indeed at menopausal age and to show you a comparison to Basils experience. My libido soared after menopause to the glee of the hubby and yes... I wish I had stock in Personal Lubricant... but I want it often but I no longer care for the multiples that we enjoyed when I was younger. Thankfully, our libidos have pretty much matched one another's as we've aged and now that menopause is complete, we are happy to still be in sync as to frequency. 38 Years together and counting.

Being stubborn and unable to see anyone's else's suggestions as being viable without even having tried something different then what you've always tried isn't going to help you to improve frequency.

Good luck.

[PaulieWalnuts]

Only replying off your original post because long thread long - can't wade through all of this.

Is she from the mindset off the guy always initiates sex? Have you told her, initiate as much as me? or you just wait for her to and it never happens?
What reasons does she turn you down with, are they legit to you? or excuses?
She just doesn't like asking, maybe she sees it as being too needy, or again shes the type of woman who always believed its the mans job to ask and start it off.
Tell her it is hurting you, and ask for honest reasons why she won't all these years, and that sex and intimacy is important to a healthy marriage and you want to feel desired by her as much as she wants to be from you.

On a few occasions, I found the frequent rejection hurtful enough that I've told her I wasn't going to ask anymore. This would go on for a few weeks to a several months, and she would ask, but not very often. She always eventually tells me she wants me to ask her. I sense its because she likes being pursued.
I've told her until I'm blue in the face. (And balls) She says she's tired or just not in the mood. And she absolutely closes the amusement park one week out of the month- and that's her aversion, not mine. I can always take a shower.

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Going back to basics so that you know I have some idea of what I'm talking about.

I've been multi-orgasmic with hair trigger issues (starting orgasm when he lays a hand on me and I can't stop till he ceases), my father once referenced my love of sex (that was embarrassing - is it so obvious?). My teen years were a whirlwind of fun sex with me being the aggressor. I joke that my now partner of 23 years is the world's longest one night stand. I can talk about sex with my best friend till the cows come home.

I've also been a new mother who wanted sex but was dead scared because of my still-healing parts. I've had depression and it did a number on my sex drive. I think the meds I'm on still effect it somewhat. Drinking too much? Yeah, that will do it. Menopause was a shocker - dry vagina anyone? So did being very unattracted to my ex-husband while we were still together - despite having a civil relationship, I would rather have stuck pins in my eyes than have sex with him. And do we even start on the impact of being primary carer of children?

I am currently working on the post menopausal sex drive - I love sex and am not ok with a loss of sex drive. I've read books and seen doctors. I'm going to the gym. And yes, I'm making progress. But without my own determined efforts, change will not be forthcoming.

Meanwhile, I can accidentally touch hubby's penis in bed and penis is like "HELLO?" I wish women were like this. But we're not. We're complicated beasts and our arousal and sex drive can be affected by so many things. This is why we've thrown out so many ideas at you. But all we can do is give you suggestions as to what to look for. The rest is up to you and your wife.

My wife has always been dry, but we've easily kept that problem non-existent w/ lube.

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I would like to see you get her off with your fingers for one or two and then make love to her and orgasm without having to "hammer her." It would be very interesting to see if she was more responsive to doing it again sooner if you were to try that.



Good luck.

Well, in so many words, she's still saying 5-7 times would be optimal. Also, she likes it one of two ways: slow and deep, and, most often, hard, deep and fast- and she has verbally confirmed this many times, and it has always been that way. Our sessions consist (After foreplay, fingers, oral, etc) periods of a few minutes of slow and deep, followed by (After she feels shes at the right point)her telling me to "hammer" her; and that's when she cums. When we first begin intercourse, she usually likes to orgasm at least once from "slow and deep."
I just talked her into "reverse cowgirl" after 14 years about a month ago. She generally doesn't like being on top. To my delight, she found her own variant of the position she says feels very good, but she still quits after one orgasm because she says its exhausting. We discussed eliminating one of our routine positions last night to hopefully shorten the wear and tear on her.
And before you say it, I've specifically asked her if she's bored and wants it changed up before, but she likes a routine. Its fairly the same routine each time, with me throwing her a few curves here and there.

[basilandthyme]

>>My wife has always been dry, but we've easily kept that problem non-existent w/ lube.<<

And this was your takeaway from me trying to describe how complicated a woman's sex drive can be? That there are so many things which can go wrong - and how the solution lays in with the person who has the low sex drive being proactive in trying to identify and fix the issue?

I'm outta here.

[PaulieWalnuts]

>>My wife has always been dry, but we've easily kept that problem non-existent w/ lube.<<

And this was your takeaway from me trying to describe how complicated a woman's sex drive can be? That there are so many things which can go wrong - and how the solution lays in with the person who has the low sex drive being proactive in trying to identify and fix the issue?

I'm outta here.

Take it easy, basil, I was just making some off-topic conversation on that one. I understood the gist of the rest of your post.
And tonight was incredible between us. Started with a movie that I had no interest in seeing, but I knew she really wanted to see, dinner at one of her favorite places (lately) and mind-blowing lovemaking afterward.
I've come to realize through these exchanges that I'm really with my dream woman, and I'm going to be happy with the frequency that I get.
I tried to end it faster tonight, but I was really taking a long time. The more I try to cum, the longer it takes. So she's probably just doing the best she can.