3 years lost. I need some advice on how to cope with it.

[Petit Papillon]

Hmmm I think You're a pussy. You're lamenting Yourself ,and when You get the advice You say ooooh but bla bla bla bla etc... Go ahead,lament further but don't write how bad You're feeling... It's so boring. You know what You should do? Cut the contact, the most impoprtant rule, not "Oh maybe I call her bla bla cause only she understands me" You know what? She wants also to move on. I'm sure she feels bad that You're acting like a warm dumpling ,and You feel sooo bad... Come on, You're a guy ! 3 years lost?? People loose 20 or 30 years and they are happy that they still can do something with their lifes. Guy You're young. Ahhhh whatever.

[mad_love]

You'll get here, you'll see - you'll feel better and forget about it in time. But it's only you that can change that. Keep that in your mind all the time! You, you, you!

I've just experienced 5 great days (NY celebration, hanging out, skiing) and it was awsome. Not even once I thought of my ex (we broke up a while ago). And I came back home a different person - I simply know now, that it can be done. On the other hand, it's her now, that can't quite deal with it. Yes, we still chat over Skype (sometimes we have to - job) and it doesn't bother me but it looks like she's the one now that can't accept the fact we'll have to go different ways. Wanna know how I feel about it? Well, it was her that made the decision of breaking it up and yes, I'm a bit angry beacuse she didn't yet gather the strength to move on. Decisions in life you make aren't wrong as long as you stand behind them - they're yours! Sometimes you'll wish you acted differently but after a while, everything will make sense.

Just move on - seriously. Dont look for excuses, toughen up, be strong, just do it!

[swargolet]

@pettit: Did you not read my last couple posts, I realize that I was being an idiot and not listening and that I would just make excuses. I would blame that crap on everything that is going on and that it is making me think stupid but in the end it is just me. I do what I want. I have to cut the contact. I didnt talk to her since thursday and she was the one that initialized contact last night not me! I know all the reasons in my head why I should move on and not worry about it.

@ mad love: Im sure I said this on the 4th page but I am moving on and I actually had the same experience as you. I went to stay at friends the past couple days and really it did just click. I was happy when I was away and not worrying about it. When I'm here making contact im happy for 2 seconds until that contact is lost. I know you all said it but really I have to personally see it to understand it.

The fact that she is here is still kinda messing with the distance which is why I'm taking it upon myself to get out of the house and actually move back to college a week early to just try and cut contact as much as possible.
This spring break if I have the money I might go on a trip. No clue about summer although that is far ahead, but next summer I'll be in my own place but by then this should all be over with so it wont really matter.

[Petit Papillon]

[QUOTE=swargolet;409780]@pettit: Did you not read my last couple posts, I realize that I was being an idiot and not listening and that I would just make excuses. I would blame that crap on everything that is going on and that it is making me think stupid but in the end it is just me. I do what I want. I have to cut the contact. I didnt talk to her since thursday and she was the one that initialized contact last night not me! I know all the reasons in my head why I should move on and not worry about it.

So what? My ex still writes me messages but I simply DO NOT RESPOND to it,though it pisses me off and I would like to tell him to fcuk off, I keep the no contact rule and basta. Ok but You do what You want Good luck , PP

[swargolet]

I'm not trying to start anything with you I just want you to know what is going on. I dont think you know that we live together so when she initialized contact she walked up to me while I was sleeping on the couch tapped me and sat down. I didn't say anything and neither did she it was weird. 2 minutes after that my dad came down and freaked out that I was downstairs so I left.

[Petit Papillon]

You can always ask her if she could not talk to You because You need to break off the contact...If she'd say no,she'd be a dumb biatch.

[swargolet]

Ok this is getting ridiculous.
As you guys know I have been keeping my distance, well trying to. It has been hard these past couple days since the main guy I hang out with has been on vacation but that doesnt matter right now. Right now I'm just getting extremely frustrated with her.
You guys all know she lives with me so I am forced to see her and I am forced to eat meals next to her and crap like that. Ok not a huge problem. Here is where the problem comes in. She has this new bf, John. Lately she has been talking to him on the phone, which isnt bad but when she is talking in a place where I can hear it is. For certain reasons I am unable to move myself to a place in the house where I cant hear her. Ok ya they can talk, but when she is saying crap like "o you are too damn sexy" and crap like that, what the hell am I supposed to feel?
Or she writes stuff on the dry erase board in our house like "I love john" etc.. One thing after another she rubs in my face. I'm trying to get over this and her shit just keeps coming back to bite me in the ass.
I was going to talk to her tonight about changing some of her habits for my consideration but she has been on the phone all night with him once again. O ya also... I was out most of the night to get away so it isn't like I'm not trying to get out.

I will be going back to college in a couple days once the snow storm lets up, but I will still have to deal with this and when I come home for breaks I will have to. So is there something I should say to her to get it to sink into her thick skull? I've already tried before to tell her to just be a little easier on me. I guess that isn't straight forward enough.

[Muffin Princess]

You have said over and over again that you live together and yet people are still advising you to avoid her and not talk to her. They're either not taking any notice or don't understand that you can't avoid someone if you live with them, especially if she's rubbing it in your face as much as she is.

She's being very selfish and uncaring, you should be thankful for the fact that you got out when you did as you don't need to be in a relationship with someone as selfish as her. If you try and tell yourself this, then eventually you won't want her any more and it will be easier. Apart from that, I don't know what advice I can give, it's very hard and will take time.

[freedom]

Wow. Did you secretly live my life? I am sorry, I chose to not read anything except the first post because it made me sick reading any of the rest. I personally got out of a 4-year relationship that pretty much played out move for move like you described yours. It really is tough, I personally have tried everything in the book to get over and on with my life. I think the best advice is no advice at all. Everyone tries to tell you something or another to try to get over what happened, or to "move on". It is never as easy as ANYONE tries to play it off, and personally I think just finding what you feel is the "right move", is the best idea. If it would satisfy you, then go right ahead and try to keep what you had. It will probably tear you into pieces in the end, knowing nothing will be how it used to be, but to build yourself back up, you had to of fallen apart to begin with. Everyone can say "Stay away, she is poison", and hell, she probably is, but she is still your friend. If she really would be willing to stay a true friend, I say keep her, because girls are dime a dozen, but true friends are hard to come by. If she just can't see herself as a true friend, and only can see herself as a new guy's girlfriend, screw her. I hate to be so blunt, but after such a long time of being with someone (3 years is a long time, forget what anyone else thinks), they probably know you better than anyone else. By knowing you so well, they should be able to be your best friend even after you have went your separate ways, because they know what "makes you tick". I really wish you the best of luck, and I will warn you that any attempt to "Get one last intimate moment", will end up like the song "One More Day" by Lonestar. Trust me, you will only fall deeper, I looked for that "one more moment", and I found myself 10x worse than I ever was.

[swargolet]

You have said over and over again that you live together and yet people are still advising you to avoid her and not talk to her. They're either not taking any notice or don't understand that you can't avoid someone if you live with them, especially if she's rubbing it in your face as much as she is.

Ya I really dont understand why people dont see that I cant just get away from her. This is my house as much as it is hers so I HAVE to deal with it somehow. I just wish she'd make it easier on me. She did erase the "I Love John" on her whiteboard but even still. WTF! Why would anyone do that? I will obviously see it! I just dont know what I will do when I start seeing pictures of them or when he starts to come over here.
I'm going to try to speak to her about it today and get right to the point and I hope she'll understand.

[mad_love]

Ok - I just cannot agree with last two posts (before yours, Swargolet)...

She doesn't want you anymore...she wants to move on. It might seem "selfish" but come on, do you really think that she should just pres pause because you're having a hard time getting over her? I know it sounds harsh, but she didn't do anything wrong here.

It's a sad fact, that you have to live there with her, of course. But still - it's you that cause the most damage to yourself. You're listening to their phone conversations > why the hell would you do something as crazy as that? "For some reason you're unable.." you say. Oh, please. Open your eyes mate. Do what people advised you. No one said that you should avoid her at all costs - just limit it to the minimum. And let's be frank, you're not.

As for being friends after a relationship - are you guys serious? Do you really believe a sensitive person that just got hurt is able to turn the page and just be a friend to someone that just broke up with him? I'd say thats just a desperate attempt to stay close with an excuse (= being friends). You can be friends and you probably will be too...in time, not now.

Here's a simple test: are you happy for her, seeing this other guy and having fun with him? A true friend would be...

I still think you're not trying hard enough. You're falling appart there - do your BEST to get her of your mind. Try talking to her father and her together about that, I'm sure they'll somehow understand. Don't have lunch or dinner together, don't do anything together. And don't say you can't because you live there - it's doable, trust me...just do it goddamn it!

[swargolet]

Well im going back to college today so a lot of the seeing her crap wont matter too much. I actually made another thread yesterday because I want to just get her out of my life until I'm ready to bring her back.
I know all the problems I bring onto myself which is what Im trying to get over and for some odd reason I am unable to. Yes I did want her to just pause her life which is wrong. I still think it is disrespectful to do what she did. Also asking her to not have pictures up of those 2 or not write crap like "I love John" on the whiteboard, I dont think is over the top. Im not asking her to pause her life and change her lifestyles but she given our circumstances it is a reasonable request.
With your test. I actually said this to her awhile back. I told her yes I am happy for her but at the same time I am mad/sad.
I know that we cant be friends right now, in my other thread I even mentioned that, and yes you are 100% correct that me wanting to be friends and act like friends and go out as friends is just a failed attempt to still be close to her.
I'm happy that she is happy but I'm sad/mad because it is no longer me making her happy. But no I could never see them together happy and be fine with it.

And about the whole situation here, No I am not able to avoid meals and crap like that because of my parents. I even asked them if I could just eat later so I didnt have to eat by her and they said no. Same with some chores and other things, I HAVE to be by her. They really arent supportive at all, they were a huge reason this relationship failed, they are also making this break-up harder for me.
Could you please comment on my other thread, you are welcome to respond to this post in that thread.

[sthforreal]

Ok - I just cannot agree with last two posts (before yours, Swargolet)...

She doesn't want you anymore...she wants to move on. It might seem "selfish" but come on, do you really think that she should just pres pause because you're having a hard time getting over her? I know it sounds harsh, but she didn't do anything wrong here.

It's a sad fact, that you have to live there with her, of course. But still - it's you that cause the most damage to yourself. You're listening to their phone conversations > why the hell would you do something as crazy as that? "For some reason you're unable.." you say. Oh, please. Open your eyes mate. Do what people advised you. No one said that you should avoid her at all costs - just limit it to the minimum. And let's be frank, you're not.

As for being friends after a relationship - are you guys serious? Do you really believe a sensitive person that just got hurt is able to turn the page and just be a friend to someone that just broke up with him? I'd say thats just a desperate attempt to stay close with an excuse (= being friends). You can be friends and you probably will be too...in time, not now.

Here's a simple test: are you happy for her, seeing this other guy and having fun with him? A true friend would be...

I still think you're not trying hard enough. You're falling appart there - do your BEST to get her of your mind. Try talking to her father and her together about that, I'm sure they'll somehow understand. Don't have lunch or dinner together, don't do anything together. And don't say you can't because you live there - it's doable, trust me...just do it goddamn it!

Excellent points mad_love!!!

I understand how hard it is to not see someone who lives with you but still you need to try to aviod her. You could have at least avoided to listen to their phone conversations right?

This is so much harder to get rid of her and move on in your case and this is undeniably true. It also means that you need to make extra efforts to help yourself out. She has obviously moved on and is enjoying life and you need to do the same. You do not deserve to be suffered from this every day.

[Muffin Princess]

OK, when I said she was being selfish, I meant that she was rubbing it in his face. She knows he's having a hard time getting over the break up of the relationship and if she ever cared for him at all, she wouldn't have done things like write on the whiteboard. I agree she shouldn't have to press pause, but I also think she should at least have some compassion and at least let him grieve and start to get over the break up before rubbing this new relationship in his face.

Yeah, losing your feelings for someone doesn't mean they did anything wrong. I actually wrote that in my journal about my own break up. I said that my ex didn't fall out of love with me on purpose, he hasn't technically done anything wrong, he didn't want to hurt me. And all my friends got mad and said "He hurt you as much as he has, and he hasn't done anything wrong?!" How come I understand this if they don't?

[MisterFlapJack]

Thankfully this mess is over now that he's going back to college.

You've just been through the worst possible scenario of a post-breakup. Now things will continue to get better from this point on.