BF ego problem after we wrestled

[jenster]

Thanks for the update. I was almost biting my nails.

woah, that was really low of him, tricking you and getting you from behind is just despicable. Even if he had "beat" you by doing that, how the heck would that be a proper 'victory'? I can't get over how stupid that was.

Maybe he will cool down and apologise... but if he doesn't, it's his loss. There are plenty of guys who'd find your judo abilities to be absolutely smoking hot, rather than threatening.

I have to say, this is making me want to take up martial arts again. but I think I have to face it; I absolutely suck at it.

Thanks, Tiay...

Just so you know, I was probably the most un-athletic person ever b4 I started judo....i couldnt dribble a basketball w/out hitting myself in the face w/the ball and i STIll throw like a girl when i try to throw a softball or a football....plus, the first few months of judo were so hard i almost quit a bunch of times...i was all brusied up even w/the mats and it took almost a whole year b4 the moves started becoming 2nd nature to me and i developed the quickness and strength I used against my BF...so if you are thinking of taking up martial arts again, dont be afraid just b/c you were "bad" at it b4...(what did you take, btw?)

as for my BF, he left a message on my machine today saying he 'wants to talk". No apology or mention of the wrestling match. I'm still pretty tho', and havent called him back.

what should i do?

[Gigabitch]

what should i do?

I say call him back and take the upper hand. I think he's planning to call you on the carpet for "treating him this way", perhaps even break up with you.

I think you should call that one first. Tell him you find his ego to be bigger than the both of you and that you might start dating someone you met at the dojo.

He's got a lot of nerve, taking that tone with you.

[johan]

Wow Jenster thats an impressive skill you have. If I had a GF who could do that, that would be something I would be proud of not jealous of. That guy of yours needs to run home to mommy if he can't act like an adult.

Btw could I ask what did you see in that guy in the first place?? This is really confusing considering his behavior and treatment of you. I assume you knew each other for a long time and lived together so what did he do that made you love him so much that you put up with this crap? How did you meet him in the first place? Was he a classmate?

[Tiay]

Just so you know, I was probably the most un-athletic person ever b4 I started judo....i couldnt dribble a basketball w/out hitting myself in the face w/the ball and i STIll throw like a girl when i try to throw a softball or a football....plus, the first few months of judo were so hard i almost quit a bunch of times...i was all brusied up even w/the mats and it took almost a whole year b4 the moves started becoming 2nd nature to me and i developed the quickness and strength I used against my BF...so if you are thinking of taking up martial arts again, dont be afraid just b/c you were "bad" at it b4...(what did you take, btw?)

that's really inspiring, jenster! I took karate. It's pretty much a choice between kickboxing and karate at college. I wonder what kickboxing is like?

anyways... well, I'm pretty good physically. I go walking/jogging (trying to build it up to actual running, though) and such. I was even okay with the punching and the blocking and such. But I was just crap at remembering the more complicated sequences of moves. Ie, everyone who had started at the same time as me had them down, and I was like.. "wha?", and it totally killed me.

I would love to try again. But at the moment I have absolutely no time to spare it sounds lame, but it's true.

oh, and I think giga's right.
Don't let him make you feel guilty; you did nothing wrong. He's the one who's got a LOT of explaining to do! Sure if you had never mentioned going to judo, it wouldn't have happened. But you're not supposed to have to keep your hobbies secret, that's stupid.

[jenster]

Wow Jenster thats an impressive skill you have. If I had a GF who could do that, that would be something I would be proud of not jealous of. That guy of yours needs to run home to mommy if he can't act like an adult.

Btw could I ask what did you see in that guy in the first place?? This is really confusing considering his behavior and treatment of you. I assume you knew each other for a long time and lived together so what did he do that made you love him so much that you put up with this crap? How did you meet him in the first place? Was he a classmate?

That's a really good question, Johan. I know from reading this thread thats a natural response b/c evrything points to him being a total jerk....but thats a big reason i came here looking for advice b/c I was so confused at his behavior! He was NEVER like this until I got my yellow belt and he laughed and dismissed my accomplishment as a joke b/c "im a girl."

We actually have been dating less than a year (about 10 mos. now) and I met him at a party my college roommate threw and we hit it off right away...believe it or not he was funny and interesting, and yes, i have to admit this had a lot to do w/it at the time: HE'S REALLY CUTE and has these amazing green eyes and i just kind of fell for him...he was def. a "take-charge" kind of guy but at least then not in a bad way...he was very social and introduced me to a lot of his friends right away and he invited me to movies and dinner and stuff (and always paid for dinner, which he didnt have to, but i admit--despite my seeming like a "tuff girl" w/judo, i do kind of like being treated like a princess sometimes,) and it was all pretty good.

We were not living together but i kind of thought it could lead to that. When I started taking judo I didnt make a big deal of it and I was only going once a week (then I started going 2x when i got closer to making my belt level), and we didnt really talk about it much. Whenever i would complain about a new bruise i got he would just kind of shake his head and go "i dont know why you keep putting yourself thru that" and i would say stuff like "i want to impress you and wink ;-) and he would always be sweet and say "your the prettiest girl i ever met--you already impress me"....and i guess at the time i didnt see that as a sexist statement, i just thought it was sweet. Maybe i was missing the signs all along

But then when I actually got my yellow belt evrything seemed to change...first w/him laughing about it (i was really proud when i passed my test and was mighty pissed at his reaction) and then when i beat him that first time we wrestled it just seemed to set something off in him. He seems like a totally diff. guy now

[jenster]

I say call him back and take the upper hand. I think he's planning to call you on the carpet for "treating him this way", perhaps even break up with you.

I think you should call that one first. Tell him you find his ego to be bigger than the both of you and that you might start dating someone you met at the dojo.

He's got a lot of nerve, taking that tone with you.

If HE broke up w/ME, in some ways, that would be a relief, cuz then he'd be taking the decision out of my hands.

If i told him I was going to start dating one of the guys at judo i think he would totally freak, and i'm not sure i want that (he also might not believe me b/c once when he said "I dont like the idea of you rolling around w/other guys on a mat" i told him they were all either ugly or way older than me & none of them could be as cute as him ever (which is, unfortunately, true in this case

But i DO like the idea of calling him and at least telling him off for the way he treated me, and see what his reaction is.

[Gigabitch]

If HE broke up w/ME, in some ways, that would be a relief, cuz then he'd be taking the decision out of my hands.

LAME, jen! I don't think he's shown himself to be mature enough to make decisions for you.

If i told him I was going to start dating one of the guys at judo i think he would totally freak,

Okay, I didn't really mean that. I was just being a teency-weency bit mean.

It's hard to lose the cute ones, it really is, but his behavior over this whole matter is a great big red flag. Does he want to date a woman or a little girl? You're on your way from one to the other, and if he's already trying to stunt your growth as a person at this point, imagine what he'll be like when you get your Master's Degree, or, God forbid, get offered a really good job.

Real men don't need to stand on top of women to feel big. He might be attractive and charming, but he's not a quality guy, not really.

You can do better, and you should.

[IndiReloaded]

I doubt he'll be satisfied until he wins. Mbe she should take up a MA of his own. Dunno if this is worth breaking up over, but it definitely needs to be discussed. He's got issues.

Don't ever turn your back on someone like that again right after a fight, btw. Even in the dojo, esp during intense training sessions, ppls hormones can overcome good sense.

[vashti]

Dump him. He sucks.

[johan]

Actually Jenster if you think about this, this should be seen as a good thing because it showed you what hes really like inside.

Looks aren't everything (even though I've been called cute myself) you shouldn't judge a book by its cover. This is just my perspective as a guy but from what I read the situation that really happened for you was this:

When you first met that guy he was attracted to you sexually because you are beautiful and everything and so he resolved to make you his as a "conquest" type of thing. He knew he looked good and was an arrogant ass about it advertising it to you with all the glamour of a new car. The reason he introduced you to all his friends right away was to display you as a trophy GF for bragging rights and to tell them your exclusively his and hands off.
And as for the movies/dinner royal treatment act that was just an act. Keep in mind at the beginning stages of a courtship both partners will only see the best of each others positive qualities. He was doing all this to woo you and keep your mind focused away from the more serious topics of a relationship like what exactly is your role in it, who makes the financial decisions, is there going to be compromise or is it more like "Just do as I say and we'll get along fine". Meanwhile he was enjoying getting laid and boosting his ego to such "divine" levels.

Now I'm not saying this has to be true (I don't really know your guy after all) but this is just the only way it makes sense to me.

I know you may be reluctant to think your guy could pull such an act for 10 months but I have seen people pull off a facade to cover their true natures for various amounts of time ranging from weeks to years. He does not seem like a totally different guy in your words. What you must realize is this ugly side you see of your BF is not his ugly side its what his really like inside without the charming looks, funny jokes, and really bad taste in clothes.

One last thing if you believe he truly loves you... love entails sacrifice of some meaningful sort. It would be one thing if he lost a match in a game with one of his guy friends and is determined to avenge his damaged ego. It is quite another thing to get pissed on the person your supposed to be in love with after losing a GAME to her. Face it that was a game that was played and should have been treated like that. The fact that he took it personally and blew it out of proportion to the point he sees you as an enemy showed that his pride is more important to him than you. But this really blows my mind b/c this is not even anywhere close to a good reason to start sh!t on.

Jenster, I recommend you keep away from him and hang out with your girlfriends or sisters/brothers for a while and just have a fun time without him and see how it makes you feel. If you feel better then you can deal with things much easier than feeling hurt inside.

[Junket]

He attacked you from behind.

Dude.

That's so wrong on so many levels.

If he doesn't apologize and take some major steps in quelling his ego and aggression, I would highly suggest you put this relationship down.

With a gun.

To the head.

[Mish]

But then when I actually got my yellow belt evrything seemed to change...first w/him laughing about it (i was really proud when i passed my test and was mighty pissed at his reaction) and then when i beat him that first time we wrestled it just seemed to set something off in him. He seems like a totally diff. guy now

It was really low what he did, not just attacking from behind but this whole not satisfied until he wins thing. It sounds like his ego took quite a beating.

Though, maybe it's a good idea to have that talk that he wants. And not over the phone, but face to face so you can see his reactions and body language. And instead of attacking right away, you can use this opportunity to calmly explain to him what happened and how his behaviour makes you feel. In a non threatening or condescending manner. Maybe he will be ready to apologize then? And if he's not then you can break it off with him face to face and rest in the fact that you tried and it wasn't going to last anyway.

[vashti]

The quality of a person's character is revealed at their weakest moments, not at their best. This guy is of very poor character. You can't fix him. Get rid of him NOW.

[jenster]

When you first met that guy he was attracted to you sexually because you are beautiful and everything and so he resolved to make you his as a "conquest" type of thing. He knew he looked good and was an arrogant ass about it advertising it to you with all the glamour of a new car. The reason he introduced you to all his friends right away was to display you as a trophy GF for bragging rights and to tell them your exclusively his and hands off.
And as for the movies/dinner royal treatment act that was just an act. Keep in mind at the beginning stages of a courtship both partners will only see the best of each others positive qualities. He was doing all this to woo you and keep your mind focused away from the more serious topics of a relationship like what exactly is your role in it, who makes the financial decisions, is there going to be compromise or is it more like "Just do as I say and we'll get along fine".

Jenster, I recommend you keep away from him and hang out with your girlfriends or sisters/brothers for a while and just have a fun time without him and see how it makes you feel. If you feel better then you can deal with things much easier than feeling hurt inside.[/QUOTE]


I'll probably take your advice, Johan (and Giga, and the rest who say 'dump him') b/c he called again & again last night until i finally picked up the phone (i wanted him to wait b/c i was still really mad about his attack from behind)...and I gave him a very cold shoulder, just basically HOPING he would apologize.

So after some awkward silences on both sides he goes "I want to talk about what happened yesterday", and i said "i'm listening"...and STUPID ME, I THOUGHT he would say "I'm really sorry. I overreacted and just got really frustrated that you beat me again in wrestling and I never should have attacked you when your back was turned. It was wrong of me and i'm so sorry."

INSTEAD he sez "I want you to promise me you wont tell anyone that you beat me".....and i was like "what???" b/c i almost thought i didnt hear him right and he sez "look, dont make me repeat it, OK? I ADMIT that you beat me if thats what you want to hear, but i need you to promise you wont go bragging about it to our friends", and much as i hate to admit it, i got so upset i started to cry and just poured out all this anger like "THAT's all you care about? That no one knows your girlfriend out-wrestled you after you tried to hurt me when my back was turned??? You ATTACKED me! I was worried that YOU were hurt and i wanted to stop and said so and you waited til my back was turned and i was shaking my hair out and you slammed into me! Dont you know how badly you could have hurt me doing that???"

....and he must be in another universe b/c he said "what are you talking about? I did not do that. I never agreed that the match was over--i was just catching my breath...."

and then there was a lot of pointless yelling back and forth w/me reminding him of the FACTS--like, why did I have my hair tied back in a ponytail for the whole match until I said we had to stop and then by the time i pinned him it was all hanging down in his face??? and he was just in total denial, saying it "came loose" during the match and other Bulls**t....

...and i was like "I cannot believe that after what happened all you still care about is your stupid ego", and he tried to talk me down, saying "let me come over and we'll talk about it" and I said "No way! If you were here now i wouldnt be responsible for my actions and if you think you got your ass kicked yesterday that would be nothing compared to what i'd do to you now!" and I hung up and took the phone off the hook.

It sounds better here than it did over the phone b;/c by then i was crying so hard i'm not sure if he even heard it right.

I just feel like such a dope right now.

[Gigabitch]

Oh, my God. Big ****ing RED FLAG. He's a revisionist. That sounds like just another word, but let me tell you, that's about the worst possible thing you could be, in my book, right down there next to child molesters and psychopaths. He's a liar, jen.

A liar.

He lied to you about something you know damned well happened, something he did to YOU. Flatly denied it.

Get away from that guy, jen. There's something wrong with him.