Ladies, am I being too critical of his female friendships?

[HeheMan]

Seacock is ragin'. She ragin', she foamin'.

[searock]

I would never block you

[HeheMan]

lol =)=)=)

People have such fragile egos on the Intarwebz

[Wakeup]

lol

I wouldn't answer her questions, so she tried to spin things I said into negative conclusions in an effort to goad the answers out of me (lol her mistake was assuming I'd explain myself to a stranger on the internet). When I pointed out she was dumb, she put me on ignore.

loolol

Is that you Kingz?

[searock]

Is that you Kingz?

I really don't think so... KingZ was/is very smart, from what I remember.

[basilandthyme]

I think if you want to get married, you can understand how childhood/teen friendships fade and your life revolves around your wife and family.

While I still think that a person's best friend of the opposite sex should be their partner, I don't agree with this^.

While a wife and family are important, it's equally important to keep our old friends around us....and to make and keep new friends. It's unhealthy to not have a life outside of marriage and immediate family.

[HDBadger]

My parents have been happily married for over four decades. They both have lifelong friends of the opposite sex.

Some of the women's responses in this thread are truly alarming. OP, you shouldn't pursue this guy anymore, because you don't deserve him. He sounds like a decent human being, and the fact that you would even consider trying to place limitations on him and his good friend (of 15 years!!!) shows how insecure and controlling you can be. Leave him alone, and let him find a healthy woman.

[quipus]

Hi lalalita, sorry to hear you're having trouble.

In order to try and give you advice, I think I need a bit more info on this situation:

- how old are you both?
- were there any instances where this guy's relationship with this particular friend has caused you to feel neglected by him?

Generally, I think it's normal for people to have good friends of both sexes. I personally avoid using superlatives for relationships with people (like "best"), so I don't know what to make of her being his "best" friend... That being said, I do think it's strange that he calls her "sis" (hence my age question). That seems to me either juvenile or almost like a forced attempt of denying any possibility of a sexual connection between them. She's not his sister, why the need to call her that? And anything forced seems a bit fake... so, yeah I don't think that's a good sign.

I think it's a good thing that you realize how your past experiences have influenced your current feelings and also it's good that you are not trying to change him and control his friendships.

And another question - why are you guys talking about marriage and having children before even being in a relationship? Aren't you putting the cart before the horse, so to say?

[HeheMan]

Some of the women's responses in this thread are truly alarming.

Yes. The sexism, insecurity, and entitlement just oozes from all their posts. It's typical for relationship forums.

[searock]

It's ok to have friends of the opposite sex, it's just not ok to have a female BEST friend that doesn't coincide with your girlfriend.

[lalalita]

- how old are you both?
- were there any instances where this guy's relationship with this particular friend has caused you to feel neglected by him?

And another question - why are you guys talking about marriage and having children before even being in a relationship? Aren't you putting the cart before the horse, so to say?

Thank you for your input :]

He is 28, I am 25.

I am a little bit lost as to the "closeness" of their friendship because it doesn't seem that they spend too much time together. He recently told me, "I always tell you when I'm with her". He'll usually text me "my sis wants me to come to the bar tonight" or "my sis wants me to go shopping with her" as if she is the one who always asks him to do things and he doesn't seem to keen on it. He'll continue to text me when he is with her, usually. Not as much as he would when he is completely free, but I understand no one wants to be glued to their phone when out in public.

The situation that brought this issue to a head actually didn't even involve his "sis". He had a "friend" from out of the area stay with him for a long weekend and our communication was very few and far between...which alarmed me. Feeling uncomfortable, I text him Friday asking if he could make some free time to discuss something that was bothering me. (I wanted to just let him know that I was not comfortable with a random female staying at his apartment, hoping he could calm my nerves) He never got around to it, and our communication was still few and far between. I confronted him late Sunday night after not hearing much from him, and told him that I felt very neglected and that it was VERY shady to me that he is always in constant communication while doing anything else, but not when this "friend" is here.

That started me really wondering how many females he keeps in life, and how close.

I suppose the topic of marriage and children came up when we were discussing where we would want this to go. I asked him early on if he was just looking for a fling, something casual or what. It turned out we were both looking to settle down.

And I *totally* agree with you that it's strange he refers to her as his sis! I've always had a problem with people referring to their friends as members of their family...because well, they're not!

[HDBadger]

It's ok to have friends of the opposite sex, it's just not ok to have a female BEST friend that doesn't coincide with your girlfriend.

Yes, it is. No one has to drop a best friend - member of the opposite sex or not - because a romantic relationship comes into play.

It's amazing this is even being discussed.

[lalalita]

It's amazing this is even being discussed.

Why do you say that?

This exact issue has caused me lots of problems in the past.

[quipus]

You're welcome.

Look, if I were you, I wouldn't be too worried about him communicating less when he had this friend visiting. It's totally normal, since he had a house guest and this doesn't have to do much with whether they're of the opposite sex or not.

That being said, I definitely find people in their late 20s calling their female friend "sis" weird. The same goes for him feeling the need to report to you every time they meet (although it might be his way of trying to make you feel more secure). He shouldn't have to feel the need to do that! And I wonder why does he make it seem like she's the one wanting him to do stuff with her? Again, he might be doing that in order to keep you at ease, but I think that's just not the adult way to go about these things (and sounds totally bogus).

It all boils down to your gut feeling. You can always give this relationship a try, and see how you feel then. My advice though is, don't get too emotionally attached. My experience is that it should be relatively easy sailing in the beginning of a relationship. It shouldn't be causing you too much doubt or grief from the start (no matter if he's actually doing something wrong or you're just not compatible).

[HeheMan]

Yes, it is. No one has to drop a best friend - member of the opposite sex or not - because a romantic relationship comes into play.

It's amazing this is even being discussed.

I'm not amazed at all because I know the sorts of insecure, controlling, and self-centered women that frequent relationship forums, and the white knights who support them.