She's emotionally distant physically/mentally, yet she's afraid to lose me

[domerdel]

Hi there, I'm new to the forum. My g/f is in her early 30s and a single mom. I'm 29, and never been married, no kids. About 5 months ago I met an amazing woman that I never thought it was possible, we talked for hours upon hours, it was that highschool feeling in love, and rare for us because we have severly high defense mechanisms... both our guards slowly came down. It was really close with her around her kids and her entire family, she started to open up, and felt towards being exclusive. While some relationships take a slower pace, I felt that in a short amount of time, we really started to grow on each other and opposites truly attracted.

Unfortunately, starting on January 1st, I noticed some severe mood swings. The closeness had gone away, temperment picked up on her part. Now the things I do for her emotionally and personally went unnoticed, and the things I missed as far as the proper mannerism a boyfriend takes on were taking the lime light. i'm not afraid to find my faults, but it was coming to the fact that she was martyring me for them. Very creud. in short, she is passionate on both sids of the spectrum... a true lover and then a spitfire.

The month of january was nerve wracking... she stopped initiating all affection, no hugs, no kisses, hardly any eye contact, if i happened to be at her house, and spend the night, it felt awkward like sharing a bed with a sibling, she kept her self in a proximity away from me... the catch 22 of it all was, she would call me 8-10 times a day, most of the calls were vent sessions either towards me or just her irritation level of the day.. the calls almost seemed like she was just checking in on me.. the quantity of calls replaced the quality we once had.

Come to find out after a blow out, things were getting worse, with her mood swings and my patience was wearing very thin........ She was pregnant... she was estimated 5 weeks pregnant about the time frame all things started to change. We had the long talk about what to do, and the mutual decision was abortion, catch 22 of that is.. we're both pro-life, but due to our circumstances we weren't ready.

2 weeks after the abortion little has changed. It's almost as if I get the vibe she resents me for the abortion process i put her thru (points finger at me), yet she wants me in enough proximity to check in and see me from time to time. She will say "I love you too" but again, never initiates any affection.

Recently we had a tiff that got out of hand, where she thought I left her out in the dark in my plans that i made abruptly and it rubbed her the wrong way. What it all came down to in the fight, I asked her one question:

What is your biggest fear that you have about me?

her answer: I don't want to lose you.

So, what I'm not understanding is, she's so distant from me, counts my flaws on a chalkboard, will mock me and instigate arguments... yet she doesn't want to lose me?

I will admit, my patience is wearing thin, I want to have a talk with her, but her defense mechanism is she feels challenged, her anticipation of the talk is "Let me guess it's going to be about all that i do wrong and what you do right?"

My response to that was "no, it's more to assess where are we at with our relationship, expectations going forward, and understanding where I can improve and understand what it's like for you and your hard times (since she's clammed up).

Just wondering what people think about my situation. there's a lot of good prior invested with her, her kids and her entire family. I'm not one to concede, but the stress in the past 5 weeks has taken a toll on me.

[HappyToBeMe]

The reason her behavior seems confusing is because she's projecting her insecurities onto you. Look at it backwards and it suddenly all makes sense.

[isay]

She's afraid of losing you so she doesn't want to get too close to you. Sometimes I feel the same way with my bf. I'm also a single mom...The sad thing is that her own fear of losing you will be what makes you leave her in the end and she probably doesn't really realize it.. You should talk to her about it. Tell her how you feel but don't blame her- maybe suggest counseling? She has some psychological problems that need attention...She's afraid of trusting you and then you leaving her.

[domerdel]

Tell her how you feel but don't blame her

Where we are as far as intellectual, we sometimes can be polar opposites. I do know in her heart she's dreading our talk, thinking it's going to be a finger pointing, throw jabs sessions... it's not, I really do feel like that I want to know more elaborate where she's coming from... not by phone, not by txt messages, face to face, so we can assess our situation a bit better without her feeling it's a solo intervention blame-game. I even told her before our talk, I will be as vulnerable as I can, and I'm going to be there not to just talk, but also to listen... she needs to work on opening up more.

A lot of people tell me to hold out for another month due to the post-effects of the abortion. but if things don't change after that, I would hate to make her fear come true of losing me, but I did all I could do.

Thanks for the replies