Are we really meant to be?

[atlantan]

I'm a foreigner working in the US. During my third week here, I met D online and despite telling myself I wanted to learn more about myself by staying single, to take time to adjust to a new country and to focus on my career, we rushed into the relationship three weeks later.

The physical and emotional attraction between D and I was insane. Sex was fantastic and addictive. Before long, we realized that it was a limerent relationship. Within a month, D told me he could finally see marriage with someone and he was absolutely sure that I was 'the one'.

There was a problem, though - D lives 6 hours away in another state. At that time when we met online, he'd come out from a long-term relationship two months before and was looking to pack up and start all anew in my city.

At first, we thought we could sustain the long-distance relationship until D relocates. He was driving down every two weekends to see me. However as weeks and months passed, we both became exhausted at times, with the distance and his job search. I was losing a lot of hope and becoming increasingly unhappy in the relationship.

Aside from the distance, there were other things too. I couldn't fully accept D's past. Before me, D had dated two other women. The first one he dated for 11 years before he cheated on her for the second one, whom I thought was very unattractive, immoral, promiscuous, uneducated and had a terrible personality. I could never understand what he saw in her. They bought a house together and shared 4 cats. Because of that, D often had to contact her for the mortgage and to ask her to look after the cats whenever he came to see me. They were trying to sell the house but it wasn't easy. To think that his ex had access to the bedroom they once shared and still had her clothes in his closet drove me crazy. D begged me many times to accept his past if I loved him. I tried, but couldn't do it.

I lived with the fear that he might one day cheat on me too. D assured me many times he could never repeat what he did to anyone else, especially not me, whom he adored with all his heart. He said in the past, he'd settled because he thought he couldn't find anyone better but meeting me made him realize what true love was.

There was a lot of back-and-forth in our relationship. We tried to end things a few times but our feelings for each other always managed to bring us back together again.

After four months of dating, D gave me a promise ring. I knew I wasn't ready to accept it because I still had so many doubts about him, but I forced myself to.

However, after six months of dating, I had to end the relationship. I was getting more and more depressed everyday, because of the relationship, work stress and being homesick. D didn't agree to the breakup, but said he couldn't think of any other method to make things work. I told him a clean break was the best, so that we could have some time apart to heal and to grieve. He wanted to remain in contact. He said this might not be the very end for us, that he wouldn't stop loving me, because he had no reason to. He said until he moves to my city and knows for sure I have no more desire to be with him, he wouldn't move on to anyone else.

After the breakup, D has contacted me twice. The first time was a text message after he got back to his town and 11 days after the breakup, I received an e-mail from him. He said he'd tried so hard to not contact me but couldn't wait any longer. He wanted to know if I was doing well. Then he started telling me what he'd been up to for the past couple of weeks, updates on his job search and how he's trying to improve himself in certain ways.

I, since the breakup, have been going through conflicting emotions. In the first week, I felt really relieved. I felt as though I had more energy and could focus better on my work. I felt free and happy to be single again. When I received his e-mail, initially I was annoyed that he couldn't honour my request to have no contact for the time being. I really wasn't expecting to hear from him so soon. Then I started to feel bad about ignoring his e-mail. And now, for the past two days, I've started to miss him.

I think it's wise of me to not have responded to his e-mail. I'm obviously not ready to resume communication with him since I'm far from reaching my emotional equilibrium. I really need time, as long as it takes, to heal, to accept the breakup, to ask myself what I want, what went wrong and how to not repeat the mistakes I made, whether with him as a friend, a lover or in future relationships. I've also got so much on my plate, having to adjust to a new country while managing a very stressful job.

I have no idea if he and I will get back together someday. In these six short months we dated, I've loved him a lot more than I've ever loved another after all. The same goes for him. However, I know that I've to accept the fact that as long as he hasn't found a job to relocate to my city, he or our love is unattainable. Non-acceptance and continuing to have hope would only create frustration, as experience as taught me.

But should I respond to his e-mail or possible future attempts to contact, eventually, after I've sorted out my feelings? I'm friends with some of my exes. In fact, one of them is my best friend. D is my one and only true friend in the US. Especially after he relocates to my city, I think I'd find his friendship to be enjoyable and valuable. But I don't want to offer friendship as a consolation prize to him.

What should I do?

[matt4lyfe]

It's good that you are trying to get yourself to an emotional equilibrium first before anything else. However, there are a few things you should consider:

1) You don't trust him. Okay, he did cheat and he does have a past. Although you have a right to be a bit suspicious, there's a part of you that just keeps thinking he'll cheat on you and you can't fully trust him. "Once a cheater, always a cheater" seems to apply here. While trying to get yourself to be better, you should try to see it from his point of view and try to give him the benefit of the doubt in that he will stay faithful to you.

2) Ignoring him is a bad idea. I know you two need space, but don't force it. I mean, you don't want him out of your life altogether, right? Then you can't ignore him. Just talk with him to keep something alive. If he does try to get too close, then yeah you can tell him you're not ready and that you need the space. Just keep up the chatting. It'll make this less painful on yourself because you obviously miss him.

Just try to get your feelings sorted out but don't assume that you should avoid him or keep him at a far distance. Maybe the two of you can help sort each other out together. It could make you to two closer than ever in the end.

[atlantan]

Thanks Matt.

I'm afraid to resume communication with him because I'm really tired of the back-and-forth that he and I went through for months. If we do talk again/become friends/date again, I want us both to be renewed and to have completely left the past behind. I feel as though this isn't possible unless he and I live in the same city.

I miss him very much as a friend. But I can't really be friends with someone I broke off with two weeks ago, can I? My career is my priority. It's the reason I'm here in the US after all. I suffer from perfectionism, restlessness and anxiety and I worry a lot about under-performing at work. During our six months together, I found it very difficult to balance between my work and the relationship.

I've lived in four countries and my career takes me to places. However, I'm getting to a point where I yearn for stability in my life. I find my nomadic lifestyle to be exhausting, especially when it means starting all over again and finding friends all over again every time I move. I hope to stay in the US and that possibility correlates directly with my productivity. This is why I'm under a lot of pressure to excel.

PS. Rare to find someone who writes grammatical English and doesn't make spelling errors

[matt4lyfe]

It's good that you want to leave the past behind. I'm just not sure that not resuming communication with him is the answer. It doesn't erase all the problems. It just dusts them underneath a rug never to be seen until one day someone looks under there. I do agree though that you and him living in the same city will help this situation out a lot. The past will completely be left behind when you two overcome it together and mutually move on. I believe it will work, but it may take some time as long as you keep a connection alive. You do miss him so don't force yourself to ignore him.