Advice needed about dealing with being cheated on

[hulu_son]

I have been going out with my boyfriend for a year and a half and when he is sober everything is honestly perfect, but when he is drunk can be very self destructive, getting to the point of incapacitating himself, and sometimes saying really horrible things to me that he would never say when sober. It has been the only thing we ever fought about, and he told me he would go see counselling about it in earlier this year after a fight we had, but, right after that, his dad passed away and he never went because he was dealing with that instead, which I think was understandable.

Last week, he got really drunk and slept with another girl I live with who he is good friends with.

I know that he would never do anything like this if he was sober, and he has told me it is the biggest mistake he is ever made and he can't believe he has thrown everything we had away. I also knew that they were attracted to each other but I never minded because I think it is normal to be attracted to other people even when you're in a loving relationship and I don't think it's an issue as long as you know not to act on it.

I don't know how to deal with this as I live with both of them and see them every day, and I am going to a music festival with the two of them and a couple other friends in a month's time. I wish I could take him back but i know that I can't, at least not until he takes steps to address the issues he has with drinking.

I'm also finding it hard to be angry with him because I know that he is not a bad person and that this is not who he is.

What should I do?>

[Simpo]

I think that you two need to sit down and have a good long talk about what happened. You should try and tell him what he is like when he drinks and that he should really limit his drinking or stop trying to get really drunk. Tell him that if he wants to be with you and seriously loves you that he needs to control his drinking and not fall into the peer pressure from his friends to drink and what not. If he loves you he can limit his drinking and definitely stop cheating on you.
Give him one more chance and if he goes out drinking or does anything with this other girl or any girl for that matter you'll need to break up with him to protect yourself from more damage and save yourself from becoming a doormat.

I went through something similar where my girlfriend is a different person and becomes nastily honest when she drinks and she got really drunk and kissed a guy goodnight but she was soo devastated and knew that she was in love with me and felt so guilty that she did what she did.

[sphalore]

If drinking is a problem for him, and he knows he cannot control himself when he is drunk then he should have chosen you the woman he loves or the drink, and since he chose the drink he chose to loose himself it was all fair and well being drunk and maybe doing something to damage his own life, but to go and break your trust and sleep with another woman, I don't think there is an excuse, my ex did the same to me well almost when we first got together she went to a party and kissed a girl I was distraught but for some reason took her back, should have realised I had a bad apple then, a cheetah/cheater never looses its spots.

[michelle23]

I think you should stop making excuses for him. Drunk or not, cheating is cheating and it is wrong. Get him out of your life and meet someone more loyal. That b**ch is not your friend either so tell her to f**k off.

And your right that being in a relationship-doesn't make you go blind but there is a big difference between finding some random stranger attractive as they walk past you on the street, then having a mutual attraction between two people who see each other every day.. That is not okay and if you knew this-you should have dumped him ages ago.

[overanxious]

i used to get drunk alot during my past relationship early on...heck we both did and had a blast......then it got to a point where it was causing problems and i quit for the sake of the relationship....

i remember going to a small party of one her friends....it was the first time i was meeting her friend and her boyfriend....within minutes this girl wanted to a shot with her which i did....this girl had already been drinking and then went upstairs and passed out....after me and my gf left this guy cheated on his gf with his gf right upstairs....and this chick acted like it didnt happen and even accepted his engagement a few years later...i could never understand how someone could forget and forgive something like that..

[Wakeup]

I have been going out with my boyfriend for a year and a half and when he is sober everything is honestly perfect, but when he is drunk can be very self destructive, getting to the point of incapacitating himself, and sometimes saying really horrible things to me that he would never say when sober. It has been the only thing we ever fought about, and he told me he would go see counselling about it in earlier this year after a fight we had, but, right after that, his dad passed away and he never went because he was dealing with that instead, which I think was understandable.

Last week, he got really drunk and slept with another girl I live with who he is good friends with.

I know that he would never do anything like this if he was sober, and he has told me it is the biggest mistake he is ever made and he can't believe he has thrown everything we had away. I also knew that they were attracted to each other but I never minded because I think it is normal to be attracted to other people even when you're in a loving relationship and I don't think it's an issue as long as you know not to act on it.

I don't know how to deal with this as I live with both of them and see them every day, and I am going to a music festival with the two of them and a couple other friends in a month's time. I wish I could take him back but i know that I can't, at least not until he takes steps to address the issues he has with drinking.

I'm also finding it hard to be angry with him because I know that he is not a bad person and that this is not who he is.

What should I do?>

What you should do is get yourself into therapy to work on that very poor sense of self-esteem and codependency issue that you have.

HELLOOOOOOOO! Wake the hell up. He cheated on you and he's an alcoholic. Surely you don't want to stay with a man and enable him to continue to drink and fk other women while he blames it on the drink and you excuse it because of the drink?

Google for a chapter of Al-anon near you and start going. If you don't, you're going to be living a life of trying to change him and FAILING AT IT. Don't go to this 'festival' with the two of them. You'll look like a raving, insecure push-over who totally they can pull this over on again. Get yourself the help you need. It's direly important that you learn that you deserve better then what you're currently living in.

Sell your ticket and let them have one another. They're both quite disgusting and i'm surprised your still there making excuses for his and her's abhorent behaviour. Get the help YOU need, doll. You'll end up with a far better man if you do.

[bob the brave]

Have to agree with Wakeup and Michelle23.

You sound like a very smart, mature, caring girl. Don't waste all that on an idiot. Maybe you are making excuses for others because because you are a kind and forgiving person who likes to live in a world were people are good to each other. Problem is a lot of people don't see it that way, even if they think they do. They are depending on your forgiveness to excuse there transgressions and selfishness, to rid them of their guilt.

I real man who loves his gf would not go to any social event with his gf and a b**** his gf knows he has just shagged, drunk or not. Now he is sober and he still doesn't care about your feelings, only his. I always find guys like this dangerous because they can be truly kind, affectionate but in the end they think only of themselves, some even subconsciously, and end up hearting people. I'm a guy. I know these guys. I've seen them destroy women and families.

Sorry, sweetheart you snagged an indiot. Throw him back and keep fishing. You have to much going for you and you need someone who can apperciate that instead of use it.

[michelle23]

the first thing you need to do is find somewhere else to live. do that now asap and then tell the too of them to jump off a bridge.

stay the f**k away from men who have issues OP. find someone stable and reliable. someone strong and emotionally mature. addicts are not worth it. they are selfish and will drain the life outa you and they are more likely to cheat as you already learned the hard way.

look for someone who has no baggage, no mental or emotional issues, dont try to fix or change anyone-it is a complete waste of your time.

life is too short to be dealing with this BS. meet someone loyal who will treat you right

[BuckDamon]

try to reduce drinking problem