complecated emotions

[crabbyqueen]

Hey everyone I'm new here and I found this site through google, ya'll seem very nice and helpful so I'm hoping you all can give me some advice.

I would just greatly appreciate your opinions... I need to embrace reality and that means other's view's besides my own.

I've been trying to get through a relationship that seems to make very little sense to me. My boyfriend and I (of 2 years) broke up about.. a year ago around valentines day (lol ah man is that lovely) He ended it because things didn't feel the same anymore he said, and he was no longer in love with me but still loved me as a friend "yet something more." So I still had feelings since then for him. Recently in October one of his friends confessed her love for him and he is now dating her. He still has feelings for me and is not over me yet.. and once again my feelings are still there. I tried getting over him and it worked for a while but he is such a part of me that i just can't shake him, I just wake up in the morning and it's like this part of me that is him wakes up too. We were just friends but recently we have been *more* then friends.. um i hate saying this because i never wanted to be the other women but we did have sex while he was with her. I told myself it was ok since it felt right... but i knew i would never want someone to do that to me. So.. he's with her and just the other day told me that he doesn't know where it's going and he doesn't know if they are getting closer as friends or as something more. And he also said he doesn't know if he could see himself spending the rest of his life with her. But she's going through some hard times so he is giving more of himself to her because she needs him.

Yikes.. I may not be making him look like the best guy but believe me he's so sweet and has a huge heart.

I am in love with him still.. but I just don't know if I should hold on to these feelings. I asked for advice from one of my close friends and she told me to let it go. I was wondering what your thought's on this were. Be honest.. completely honest I always appreciate honesty. Oh, I should probally say that she does not know about me at all. So in her view it's just him and her. Thank you guys.. I hope you all decide to help I'll really appreciate it! Oh.. and don't worry I won't be one of the people that join and don't post I'll help ya'll out too

[sfalexi]

We were just friends but recently we have been *more* then friends.. um i hate saying this because i never wanted to be the other women but we did have sex while he was with her.

Yikes.. I may not be making him look like the best guy but believe me he's so sweet and has a huge heart.

No. he's not sweet and he DOESN"T have a huge heart. He cheated on his girlfriend. Therefore he isn't sweet. He is a bad, bad person. And you (even after my post) will refuse to see it and still defend him even though deep down you will realize that what I'm saying is true.

He's probably using your feelings against you, stringing you along in hopes of getting action on the side. He tells you in his sweet voice with his puppy dog eyes, "I'm having trouble in my relationship. But we have this connection, you and I. I really feel like you're helping me through this." And then tries to get some sex from you (and has succeeded). All the while, he's having his OTHER relationship on the side.

You ARE the other woman. And, if he DOES break up with her and decide to stick with you, you will never know if SHE will become the other woman. You said she doesn't know about you in the picture. That means his has a HORRIBLE heart. And when he's with you, he'll never tell you about whatever girl he has on the side.

He's playing you. Using your emotions against you. My recommendation, stop all contact with him. Tell him not to call you or talk to you. Tell him NO firmly. He'll call and beg and plead for you to meet him, and if you do, you'll feel 'bad' for him and will end up giving him whatever he wants to feel better (anything from kiss to fooling around to more sex) but then he'll have won. Stop all contact with him. Cold turkey. It'll suck for a few weeks, but you'll get over him and it's for the better.

'Chuck' Brown

[sfalexi]

BTW, if you really want to do the decent thing, you'll also let his current girlfriend know about what happened (or is happnening, I feel like I'm not getting the whole story here . . ) between you two. She ALSO deserves to know the whole picture so SHE can decide what to do with him.

'Chuck' Brown

[jane]

Originally posted by sfalexi
BTW, if you really want to do the decent thing, you'll also let his current girlfriend know about what happened (or is happnening, I feel like I'm not getting the whole story here . . ) between you two. She ALSO deserves to know the whole picture so SHE can decide what to do with him.

'Chuck' Brown

Exaclty...

He's whole... " something more... " was just that.. he was leaving the window open to sleep with you.

Let this guy go and tell your friend what you did. If she hears it from someone other then you ... your friendship could be over permentaly. ...

[Innova]

Yeah that "something more" is bullshit...guys that like have no right in a womens life, at least in the sense of something serious and trustworthy.

Just stay away from him sweeie, honestly. I see this thing every single day, and it pisses me off. I have great respect for women, and when guys do bullshit like this..it angers me and gives "us" a bad name.

[IceQueen]

Ok, give me two lists.

Why you feel you should hold on to "these feelings".
and
Why you feel you shouldn't.

[crabbyqueen]

okies I'll do the list (for real though I've deeply considered all the things you all have said about him using me and that's really not something he would do. I mean, this is one situation I'm giving ya'll so it's just one example; not his whole character. We didn't just all of a sudden decide to have sex it has almost happen a million times but we didn't act on it before and then one night it just felt right.)

why I should hold on to my feelings: I never loved anyone this strongly before and once; after trying to get over him, it just didn't feel right trying to get rid of a part of me that really completes me, He makes me so happy and when we don't talk for a day or two it feels like a week because we are that close, he balances me out, he completes me, I like his outlook on everything; not to mention for a dude he's a really good listener and he's helped me with every problem I've ever had. eh.. that's just the basic list of stuff. I can picture spendin my life with him but ya know not now.. I'm too young I have a lot of stuff to do.






why I shouldn't: he's with someone else so I shouldn't waste my energy crying over him, like ya'll have been saying he might do it again since I'm the chic on the side and his gf doesn't know about me, it still may not work out even with a second chance.

[sfalexi]

We didn't just all of a sudden decide to have sex it has almost happen a million times but we didn't act on it before and then one night it just felt right.

In my opinion, just the fact that it ALMOST happened a million times and he didn't have the decency to avoid the situation for his new girlfriend is enough of a 'character test' to show that he's not Grade A material.

I never loved anyone this strongly before and once

Ok. I don't know you or your past 'loves', so this could be true.

He makes me so happy and when we don't talk for a day or two it feels like a week because we are that close, he balances me out, he completes me

There are plenty of guys that once you start dating them and get to know them, you'll also hate to miss talking to them. He's not the ONLY one, he just happened to be the one you found a while back and stuck with.

I like his outlook on everything

Do you like this situation? I think we can safely strike this one off the record.

not to mention for a dude he's a really good listener

Lame. Now you're just trying to make that list look longer.

I can picture spendin my life with him but ya know not now.. I'm too young I have a lot of stuff to do.

I think that sentence should have ended . . . "but ya know not now . . . he's turned into a cheater"

why I shouldn't: he's with someone else so I shouldn't waste my energy crying over him, like ya'll have been saying he might do it again since I'm the chic on the side and his gf doesn't know about me, it still may not work out even with a second chance.

How about cause he dumped you a year ago and told you flat out that he wasn't in love with you?

What it looks to me is that you're his "safety net". He'll end up coming to you after any sign of trouble in his relationships. He knows you'll be there to cuddle him and stroke his hair. So you're just a big cushion for him to fall on when another relationship starts to go bad. THat's what it looks like it's shaping up to be if you don't stop contact and move away from this character.

Alexi

[crabbyqueen]

i know you keep saying i'm his cushion and all that but he's told me before that if it doesn't work out with her i don't have to be with him and be his gf. it'd be my choice if i did.

So truthfully.. you think a great person could just turn into a cheater? Cause it was never this way before. I mean.. it felt right does that really not count for anything?

[sfalexi]

i know you keep saying i'm his cushion and all that but he's told me before that if it doesn't work out with her i don't have to be with him and be his gf. it'd be my choice if i did.

You're right. It IS your choice. But right now he has the security of you being there. Whether you be a girlfriend or not, you're 'more than friends' as you said so yourself. Do you really think you would want some girl hanging to him like you do if YOU were his girlfriend and if SOME OTHER GIRL was the one he was seeing behind your back?

So truthfully.. you think a great person could just turn into a cheater?

He already is, isn't he? Sex with you once, 'more than friends' in the meantime . . . that's cheating if you ask me.

I mean.. it felt right does that really not count for anything?

This isn't the movies. Things don't magically turn around and everyone lives happy. In real life, no. Just cause it "feels right" when you guys decide to have sex behind her back doesn't mean that it will mean anything to him OR you in the future.

Alexi

[jerzygrl]

I totally see where everyone is coming from... however, I don't fully agree.

I dont think this guy is a bad guy, I just think he is majorly confused. He clearly has no idea what he wants and just goes through the motions with both girls. Sometimes, guys just need to be alone and figure stuff out on their own.


Crabbyqueen, I can definitely understand why you guys have been intimate, even if that makes you the other woman. Its not cool to be the other woman but when everyone always tells you to follow your heart its difficult not to be.

It must kill you to see him with someone else and you probably think you are doing yourself a favor by continuing a friendship with him-- but honestly, the only way this is going to come to an end is if you say your final goodbye. Don't say goodbye because he is a bad guy, or because he is a cheater. Say goodbye because you do love him and want the best for him. Whether that is him remaining with his current girlfriend, or whether he decides he needs time to breath. From what you've said about him, seems like he just goes with the flow and doesn't have the courage to do the honorable thing.

Your decisions will never be as easy as making a simple list. You just really need to think of the outcomes... and remember whats meant to be will be. If you guys are meant to be together -- you will. Right now might just not be the right time for either of you.

After going through a very similar situation, I realized that I never want to be the "other" woman-- I am not a side dish, I am a main course. I also never ever want to be with someone who's not sure of their feelings for me or whether they want to be with me. I deserve more than that. I also learned that I don't want to spend my life waiting for something that may never come... You won't get over him for a while after you stop speaking but you need to do whats best for both of you and right now he doesnt know what that is. You don't deserve to be disrespected.

[jerzygrl]

Oh and in addition-- NEVER tell the other woman. Let her find out on her own. Their relationship is none of your business.

Only bad things will come from you opening your mouth.

Trust me.

[Pretender]

Crabbyqueen I'm sure you're a wonderful person but I'd like for you to put yourself in the current gf's shoes, think of what you are doing to that girl... YOU OWE her, you have to tell her that he's messed around on her. This girl could be falling head over heels for him and thinking hes this great wonderful gentlemen when in reality he is scum. That's right scum. A good guy would never cheat on his gf even if he had feelings for another women. You should always let go of your current partner if you find yourself in a situation where you feel like cheating, it's just not fair to the unsuspecting party.

I think you're being really selfish too. I think you left out the part where you flirt with him and sit too close to him and bat your cute little eyelashes at him. you kinda make yourself out ot be innocent when in reality i think you are the catalyst that caused the whole thing. You should never tempt a man who has a gf because what goes around comes around. I'm not making excuses for this so called "great guy" because it's more his fault than yours. He should of removed himself from your presence if their was any sexual waves floating around in the air.

In all honesty you two deserve eachother but let his gf know you slept with him because no offense thats how diseases are spread. I would feel totally violated if I ever found out my bf cheated and I would get myself checked. Put yourself in her shoes for just one second and see how you would feel.