The Confrontation

[independent]

We had the talk. I confronted him about the lies. He admitted to them. I told him exactly how I felt about everthing that had happened between us. He has moved out, of course.

Now what?

He admits he was wrong (an ******* that ****ed everything up) and says he knows that only time can regain my trust and begin to repair our relationship. He has asked me for that time.

I am so hurt. It's hard to be around him without either crying or being mad as hell. I look at him and see him as a liar and an ******* who has no respect for me, doesnt care at all about me, etc. It's maddening... because I care about him, and I guess I still want answers - as to WHY he would do all those things in the first place (which he has no answer for - yet).

I say that he obviously wasnt happy with me, or he wouldnt have done those things. He says he loves me more than anything, and he screwed up.

Should I try to date him? No more living togeter, obviously. But if there's SOMETHING there, should it at least have the chance to see if it can be salvaged... or is that just a ghost of what I felt before he crushed my heart into a million pieces?

I'm so confused.

After the "big confrontation" he asked me if he could still call me. I said yes, but only between certain hours (I hate being called at 1am when he is done with his friends or drinking - UGH). And I said no coming over without calling first, etc. Basic ground rules considering his total lack of respect for me and the fact that he doesnt recognize the simplest of decent boundaries.

I dont know if any of it can be "fixed". I dont know if time really lets you regain trust. I just dont know. I dont know that there's any hope at all for us. But then I guess I dont know that there isnt (as friends, exclusive lovers - to date happily).


My sister has been married 12 years. They went through a horrible time in the first couple of years (him with drugs and all that goes with that). They got past it together... and are still married. I look at that, and wonder if I am too quick to walk away? Or if I am fooling myself to think he will ever treat me right. Do I give him a 49th chance to try??

[Tone]

This should be your answer:

I am so hurt. It's hard to be around him without either crying or being mad as hell. I look at him and see him as a liar and an ******* who has no respect for me, doesnt care at all about me, etc.

NO - stay away.

[misombra]

This should be your answer:


NO - stay away.

agreed

________

[independent]

I feel like that is the right answer, as well - so why am I so torn and confused??

It's driving me mad!!

The main reason I feel that way (to talk this out further) is because I am realizing this relationship cant go forward. It can even go back to where it was. It's stuck as "sex & dating" at the most... because I already learned my lesson about living with him (much less marrying him).

BLAH

I think he is just very very good at manipulating my feelings

[misombra]

well you're very vulnerable right now. stay strong.

[independent]

well you're very vulnerable right now. stay strong.

I think you are right. And I am sure he knows this. And knowing how manipulative he has been in the past, I dont doubt that he is using it to his advantage.

The thing is, even if he wasnt and was totally sincere (HA), I would still feel that way... based on my recent experiences with him. So he really cant win in my eyes, I am afraid. I cant just ignore the facts or forget what has happened...


Most of the time I am doing very good with all of this. This thread is basically a mirror of my "weak moments" that hit from time to time.

[independent]

Well, now I'm mad again and I think this thread was silly. When did I become so fickle?!

My latest journal entry (venting):


We’ve already talked about the fact that you lie – specifically to me, but it bothers me too that you lie in general. Anyway, we’ve also talked about you being disrespectful towards me (calling me at odd hours, not calling to say you aren’t coming in on time, standing me up etc). We’ve talked about how you don’t mean what you say, or say what you mean – basically that you suck at communication and compromise. And of course we’ve already discussed how I feel about you putting me last in everything that you do – whether that be paying your share of the rent, calling me or pretty much anything at all.

But here’s one I haven’t brought up – that you should know about:

I think you are a big fat fuddy-duddy around me.


What brought this on? You telling me that you and your friends were planning to roll my yard tonight. Sure, go out with your friends and then leave me with more work (cleaning it all up) – that’s pretty ****ing typical!

You have the fun, I do the work. That’s pretty much how its always been in our relationship.

You go out and stay out past midnight – leaving me sitting home wondering if you are even coming in that night. Yet you take me out and by 7:00 you’re saying “What do you want to do?” and “There’s nothing to do around here” and “I don’t know – I cant think of anything”. You sure as hell don’t have a problem finding something to do when you aren’t around me. Or when you don’t want to come home.

We go out to tournaments together, and you talk it up and laugh with everybody there… but don’t have two words to say to me (unless you make a sexual remark more than once). We rarely ever have a “conversation”.

You go out to play at a tournament, and find there isn’t one that night – instead they’re doing karaoke. Do you come back home to hang out with me? NO. Do you call me to ask me if I’d like to come out and join you for that? NO.

On my birthday you told me to go get $100 out of your drawer and that could be my birthday present. Do you plan ahead or put any thought or effort into showing me a good time? NO. You put more into helping *name-removed* get his bar going than you did one single special day for “the woman you love more than anything in this world”.

And then AFTER we go through all this bullshit, you decide you are going to stay home on a Friday night – “FOR ME”. I had this planned, or that planned, or could have done this… you said. But you chose to sit home on your ass in case I called you… and then got pissed off that I ran to town to eat something with a friend of mine. Well **** sitting home on your ass – I do that all the time, and I’m ****ing tired of it.

Learn how to play a game I enjoy the hell out of. Take me somewhere where I’d have the time of my life. Show ME a good time.

Prove you give a damn.


But don’t eat, shit, **** me… and then leave the house to go have fun somewhere ****ing else.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW BAD IT SUCKS TO BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND

[independent]

As crude as that was, I think it was an eye-opener for me...

[Tone]

Get those feelings out, girl.

[independent]

Yeah (deep breath) Okay... I am feeling better now.


I really would like to "have fun". Even with friends. Fortunately I've met some local girls that are all about getting together for a good time (older than me - 40's and up). Older is good - not into "partying", more of a get together and have margaritas and "girl talk" for a couple of hours. I miss having fun.

I miss having fun... A LOT.

In fact, if I were invited to go do something FUN with another man, I'd be sorely tempted to go. The only thing holding me back would be saving his feelings. Which is silly, but I am sure will pass with time. Which is a good reason for me to put the brakes on this whole affair since it obviously didnt work out. No sense waiting till somebody else comes along, which just looks bad.

[mini696]

He is just telling you what you think you want to hear. Its another lie all over again.

Stop think about him, and thinking he's worth it because or "something" that is there. That something will be in another person who doesnt have these issues. The guy sounds like a total jerk, and is using your vulnerability to his advantage.

[independent]

Thank you, Mini.

I'm curious about the mentality of a person like this. What would be the point, would you imagine? I mean, why would he even want to keep me around? Try to continue dating, etc?

[carpflounder]

I'm curious about the mentality of a person like this. What would be the point, would you imagine? I mean, why would he even want to keep me around? Try to continue dating, etc?

Probably because you have given him the incentive to. You set the terms of the relationship..picking up his slack..putting up with his rude behaviour. You may have kicked him out of the house but you continued to have sex with him. You've showed him that you will put up with him, therefore he doesn't have a reason to change.

On another note, I can see why he is out having fun with his boys. You can be a real whiner. I'm about to move in with my gf and let me give you this: I'm going to put up with a lot of bitching. So I will go out and have fun..If she gets really bitchy then I'll be spending the night in a hotel.

-Peace-

[mini696]

I'm curious about the mentality of a person like this. What would be the point, would you imagine? I mean, why would he even want to keep me around? Try to continue dating, etc?

Not sure about the mentality behind it, because I'm not like him... but some thoughts are;

- To make him seem more interesting to his friends. Lie about going to jail = more life experience.
- Lie about seeing you/about what you did together. Maybe his friends dont think you two should be together, so he lies to make him seem like the better person in the relationship.
- He wants someone in his life, and you accept his faults. You go back to him even after all the crap he puts you through, so he keeps testing the limits, sometimes steps over them, but you still accepted him back.

I understand wanting to have someone to love. Been there and stayed on before just because I thought it was what I wanted. But when someone stops giving you what you want in a relationship, it is time to move on.

God know I have to do that myself. I only broke up with my GF yesterday, she could no longer tell me what she planned for our future, she said she still wants to be together, but wont commit. Thats what I want in my relationship (commitment) she wont give it to me, so I'm moving on.

Mick

[independent]

Thank you, Mick - that does make sense. And helps me to have a new perspective to consider things from. Sorry to hear about your recent break up. Even when it is your own decision, still some heartache involved.

And Carp - I appreciate your post as well. As for me being a "whiner"... perhaps you are right. This is a good time for me to accept any faults of my own as well. That said, I've never even mentioned the going out issues to him in the two years we've been together. Which is why I ranted so loudly in my journal entry about it. Even when he came in late, even when he came in *really* late... I just sucked it up.

So how I feel, and how I acted & reacted during the course of our relationship, are two different things. I've been a total doormat, to tell you the truth...