Just been dumped, should I put up a fight?

[BNZ]

I've been dating this girl for about 3 months now and in that time I've fallen for her like a sack of bricks. However its always been complicated. Her ex/ best friend, and also a very close friend of mine, made it clear from the start that if he ever found out that we were going out, that he could no longer be our friend.

At first she was willing to risk this, and we were happy together. However about a month ago she moved out of her old flat (which was very close to mine), and into another place that was a long way out of town. This is were I think I messed things up.

You see, when we first started going out, our friend was being very controlling, constantly hanging around her, turning up at her place unannounced and being very jealous about anything she did which didn't involve him. She didn't like this at all, and I took from this, that I should give her some space and not crowd her too much. Obviously thats a moronic thing to think since we were in love.

At first my misunderstanding of her feelings didn't really matter, because we basically spent all the time together. But when she moved to her new place that was no longer the case. I didn't get in contact with her a lot, only texting her occasionally and virtually never calling her. At first it wasn't too bad, but then about 3 weeks ago we all got really caught up with work and were virtually completely out of touch for that time.

Then last weekend when we met up for the first time since, she said that she couldn't deal with the worry about our friend finding out about us and all the other problems, in our lives, and that we should go our seperate ways.

I saw through this excuse pretty quickly. Her ex/friend has always been an issue, and so have a number of problems, but while we were together we were always able to deal with it, without too much trouble. I'm worried that by not keeping in touch with her, I let her feelings for me slide, while her friend has been constantly visiting her. I think that she no longer values our relationship as much as she values her friendship with the ex.

What I'm really mad about is how little fight I put up. I love this girl so much, and now I really want to try and change her mind. I'm meeting up with her tomorrow. Do you think I should? Any advice would be most welcome

[Tone]

Well this sounds pretty stupid on her part.

Obviously the ex still wants to be with her, he's more concerned about his own self than her happiness. Instead of being a FRIEND and being happy she found someone she likes, he's causing all this mess and being a baby saying "You date him, you lose me."

She needs to decide what she wants. They BROKE UP right? Forget all that friend shit, so what she just is never going to get to have another boyfriend for as long as she wants this jerkoff's 'friendship?'

I know you like this girl, but luckily it's only been 3 months. I would say all the above to her, and just ask her, "So why don't you two just date then? Since he's gonna trip anytime you try to date someone new, is that what you want??" I'd tell her either we're gonna date and let this jerkoff deal with it (sounds like he just hasn't moved on yet from their breakup) or I'm done.

Trust me man, there are plenty of women out there - find one who isn't going to be playing games with an ex.

Best of luck, please let us know how it goes.

[Late_vamp]

Well this sounds pretty stupid on her part.

Obviously the ex still wants to be with her, he's more concerned about his own self than her happiness. Instead of being a FRIEND and being happy she found someone she likes, he's causing all this mess and being a baby saying "You date him, you lose me."

She needs to decide what she wants. They BROKE UP right? Forget all that friend shit, so what she just is never going to get to have another boyfriend for as long as she wants this jerkoff's 'friendship?'

I know you like this girl, but luckily it's only been 3 months. I would say all the above to her, and just ask her, "So why don't you two just date then? Since he's gonna trip anytime you try to date someone new, is that what you want??" I'd tell her either we're gonna date and let this jerkoff deal with it (sounds like he just hasn't moved on yet from their breakup) or I'm done.

Trust me man, there are plenty of women out there - find one who isn't going to be playing games with an ex.

Best of luck, please let us know how it goes.

coulnt have given any better advice , thats the best way to go BNZ .

[Junsui]

I agree with Tone. I doubt she's that dumb to not realize her ex is still into her.

[carpflounder]

Dont put up a fight. It is really tacky when someone has been dumped and they cant accept it.

[Rosebud]

Damn Tone's got this one too!!

[BNZ]

Well this sounds pretty stupid on her part.

Obviously the ex still wants to be with her, he's more concerned about his own self than her happiness. Instead of being a FRIEND and being happy she found someone she likes, he's causing all this mess and being a baby saying "You date him, you lose me."

No It's not quite like that. You see, he's Ok with her dating other guys (She dated somebody for a few weeks about a month after the two of them broke, and while he didn't take it too well, he was at least accepting of it). But he has this weird jealous/ego-driven thing were he refuses to accept it when she dates his old friends.

Apparently he's been going on and on to her about how none of us would be good for her. It is this fear: that by dating me she will lose her best friend, is what has supposedly driven her to break up with me. As I said above, given that he's always been a problem and we managed to deal with it OK, I'm not entirely believing of her.

[Tone]

That doesn't change how I'd handle the situation.

Either we're going to be together, or I'm out.

[mini696]

I agree with Tone too. The reason he is so caught up with her dating you, is because he knows you better than some stranger she decides to date.

She would have told him to get stuffed if she didnt have feeling for him.

I'd forget about her, and your "friend"

[BNZ]

I agree with Tone too. The reason he is so caught up with her dating you, is because he knows you better than some stranger she decides to date.

She would have told him to get stuffed if she didnt have feeling for him.

I'd forget about her, and your "friend"

Unfortunately its not a matter were I can just forget them. He's been a close friend of mine for years, and under normal circumstances he's one of the kindest and most rational thinking people I know. I was feeling just rotten yesterday, and it was he (not knowing that we'd been going out for the past few months), who was there to keep me company and managed to cheer me up a bit. I love both of them (obviously in different ways...) which is why this is hurting so much.

[whaywardj]

I don't mean to make light of what feels to you like a serious matter, Bnz, but three months? Ninety days? Only a few hours out of which you've ever spent time with her at all in your entire life? Come now. I've let bills go longer than that. Slap yourself awake, man. You're dreaming.

[BNZ]

We actually kind of lived together for two of those months, so we spent a bit more time than a few hours together. And I know its a short amount of time, but we fell in love so fast and were so happy together that it seemed a lot longer than it actually was. Moreso we were kind of flirting and sending each other signals for weeks before we became official and many times she came over too my place and fell asleep with me.

[mini696]

You feel guilty for lying to your friend.

[BNZ]

You feel guilty for lying to your friend.

A little yes, but I'm more confused and bewildered (and perhaps a little betrayed), over why he's making such a big deal out of this at all. <SIGH> My life never used to be this complicated.

[mini696]

Relationships are all that and more.

Maybe you should have told him straight up, and let him make the decision regarding his friendships. Your GF should never have put that kind of pressure on your relationship from the beginning, it only ever ends in tears.