Hello Newbie needs a bit of help :(

[HungryHippo]

Hello everyone. I decided to join in order to get myself a bit of help for my pickle. If anyone out there can help it would be MUCH APPRECIATED!

About three weeks ago, I had a gut feeling that something had changed with me and my significant other during a trip to his house (we’re kinda long distance but not for long, as he’s moving to my area soon).

The trip was uneventful apart from one aspect, he said in front of me and his parents that he was considering joining the army. It hurt and we subsequently had a discussion about it where he said we are too young to be considering each other in our future plans. That’s fine , I have now come to accept that. But the fact is that it would have been nice to have been told separately. It felt like he wasn’t considering me or my feelings in his plans; which I do.

Secondly he’s stopped saying “I love you“. Since we live apart at the moment we only see each other one every week/two weeks and NEVER talk on the phone. Ever. The last time we did was a month ago. I have come to deal with that because I’m not going to force him to speak on the phone to me if he doesn’t want to or feel awkward. I did initially find this very hard when we both came from spending every day at Uni together to moving back home and obviously being apart. But I have dealt with that now and have got used to it.

The only way we communicate is over blackberry messenger for a few hours a day (he works). More often than not I am the one who makes the first contact. We used to say “I love you” before bed every night, and now nothing. A few times I’ve tried to say it and been met with a “me too”. It’s as if I have a crazy urge that I NEED to hear him say it. I’ve said “I miss you” too a lot of times, as we did used to say that to each other too. But again, unless I say something like that I won’t get anything in return.

I am so keen not to remind him of his ex gf (which he has said I have done in the past) and one thing he said she did was say “that she didn’t think he made her feel secure enough”. I spend my time making sure I'm not like that, that I'm reluctant to bring it up with him.

I am slowly coming to analyse all of this and feeling that I am being taken for a ride. That this guy maybe doesn’t feel as much as he once said he did.

Our year anniversary is coming up – I haven’t got much money as I have just graduated and trying to find a job (he does). I am willing to put aside the bit of money I have so we can have a nice night/ or do something at least together. But he was like “oh no don’t be frivolous with your money, are you not expecting to have other anniversaries”. To me, if this early on we’re letting this get in the way of our celebrating anything, what the hell is it going to be like if we were to last??!

Usually his first reaction when I try to bring something to him is to get mad. Which is very hard to deal with especially as given all these thoughts that are going around in my head, not what I need to hear.

I don’t know if I’m overreacting, if I'm being too possessive or clingy or what. Either way I feel shit and I know I shouldn’t be feeling this way. Does he still love me? Am I stupid?

Any help or advice about what I should do would be MUCH appreciated.

Thanks for your help

[Kyrina]

Save your money, only get him a nice token gift because if he is planning to dump you it will not have cost so much, love is not about present's, dinner etc they are nice but you already feel this guy is on the out of your relationship.
Is he still moving to your area and if so is it for his job?
In your situation i would be blatant and ask him whats wrong and why he is like this,you have to communicate i know its crappy to be dumped but can you really say that your not already feeling as if he has dumped you.
Talk to him ask him straight out if his ex didnt feel secure its not a new concept to him.
Talk to him thats the best you can do atm.

[bulrush]

...he said in front of me and his parents that he was considering joining the army. It hurt and we subsequently had a discussion about it where he said we are too young to be considering each other in our future plans. That's fine , I have now come to accept that. But the fact is that it would have been nice to have been told separately. It felt like he wasn't considering me or my feelings in his plans; which I do.

Yes, this was a major decision that he should have talked to you about before he told anyone else. Sounds like he is inexperienced with relationships, or just plain immature.

Secondly he’s stopped saying “I love you“.

Hmm.

Our year anniversary is coming up – I haven’t got much money as I have just graduated and trying to find a job (he does). I am willing to put aside the bit of money I have so we can have a nice night/ or do something at least together. But he was like “oh no don’t be frivolous with your money, are you not expecting to have other anniversaries”. To me, if this early on we’re letting this get in the way of our celebrating anything, what the hell is it going to be like if we were to last??!

Well, don't let money or presents define your relationship. What happens when you run out of money? Do you get a divorce? Do something free like take a walk somewhere new, or cook dinner at home, or rent a movie.

So, he may be less interested in the relationship based on your observations. But you have to have a serious talk with him about this to be sure. You will have to learn to talk to your partner about all kinds of things if you value the relationship. So, I suggest start practicing now.

[HungryHippo]

Thanks for your reply Kyrina. He's moving to my area for his Masters, and I knwo that it's not for me.
With regards to the anniversary, I know that it's not about present's etc, but the way he's acting, it's as if he's saying we should just leave the whole thing - which given I've been with him longer than anyone else is a pretty big deal to me.

You're right, the moodswings, how upset I feel are indicative of me going through a break up tbh.

Another shock to the system happened today - I offered to send him a spare ticket to come to mine for the weekend and he sort of said no - that he's coming to live in London next week anyway and there's no point in just seeing each other for a day.

I know a conversation is the way to go, but I suck with confrontation and obvs a big part of me doesn't want to hear the reply! Haha.

Thank you for your help, its good to know that I'm not overreacting!

[BackUpOrGetStng]

First off, I think he did consider your feelings with regards to joining the army, since he told you at the same time he told his parents.

Second, I think you should just break up with him before your anniversary, and start moving on. He told you he's not considering you in his future plans... You see it coming now anyway, no need in dragging it out, and no need for a big confrontation either. Call and tell him good luck in the army and you'll keep him in your prayers(if you do that sort of thing), but it seems he's checked out of the relationship and you want to start moving on, if he doesn't pick up then send it in a text. While I do think talking out problems and communication in general is key, it's obvious that he doesn't see this going very far and is just with you for the comfortableness and sex.

[HungryHippo]

Thank you - and you're right. I'm not a materialistic person I do want to celebrate our time together. A serious talk is on the cards I think when he moves here. I guess I'm half hoping it will get better when he is here. Fools world maybe haha!

[bloodtippedrose]

He seems like he is distancing himself from you. Maybe because he wants to be free when he joins the army or maybe because he was hurt badly by his ex and he put up a wall.
I dont know whats going on in his head but a girl has needs and being told I love you is one of them, especially after a year together. You're completely walking on eggshells when it comes to not mentioning his ex, trying not to become his ex, over-saying I love you etc. and thats never right, you should be able to talk freely and never have to question how much he loves you.
If i were in your situation (assuming youre the one to always initiate contact) then I would distance myself from him and focus on activities I want to do. Either he will get lonely and initiate getting together, which will make you feel better if hes the one coming after you, or he wont contact you at all and the relationship will fall apart a little more naturally and it will be much easier for either of you to say goodbye.
If you definitely dont want to break up with him then you have to lay out all your feelings on the table. Everything you said, the I love you's, not talking about a huge decision beforehand, the lack of wanting to celebrate together, and ask wtf? You will either get some answers that the two of you can work on OR youll get an additional motive to get rid of him. Like BackUpOrGetStng says, theres no sense in dragging it out

[Incognito]

I think it is extremely telling that his ex said that he didn't make her feel secure enough and that he compared you to her more than a few times. It sounds like he wasn't very affectionate, which probably contributed to the breakup, and tried to threaten you with breakup in a veiled manner by constantly comparing you two. It was obviously working judging by the way you avoided is emotional failings and the subject of his ex.

I'd take the previous advice and just dump him and start to move on. One relationship ended because of this issue and he doesn't seem keen on changing.

[HungryHippo]

It's like there's two sides of me. There's the rational side that completely gets that I'm being taken advantage of in a way, and that identifies and even agrees with what you guys are saying. If I was giving advice to me I'd do what everyone here has said. But why is it so much difficult when it's you! I can't bring myself to bring all this stuff up.

Since he's so hard to approach the thought of doing so is daunting me :s

[Incognito]

Then write a letter and dump him at the end of it. I really think you need to suck it up and say what you have to say face to face, but if you absolutely cannot then write the letter.

[bloodtippedrose]

I have a hard time bringing stuff up sometimes myself. When i have something on my mind I act different, Im quiet and short and not clingy like usual so my bf knows somethings up and asks, and after i say "nothing.........." as a response a few times he gets it out of me.
Maybe if you act out of character then he will take note and ask whats up with you and you can talk about it?

[Incognito]

bloodtippedrose you need to delete some of your older messages because your inbox is full

[Incognito]

I have a hard time bringing stuff up sometimes myself. When i have something on my mind I act different, Im quiet and short and not clingy like usual so my bf knows somethings up and asks, and after i say "nothing.........." as a response a few times he gets it out of me.
Maybe if you act out of character then he will take note and ask whats up with you and you can talk about it?

Not likely. This guys seems to slowly be distancing himself from her. She needs to cut her losses now, or risk more hurt when the breakup happens later (which it will).

[bloodtippedrose]

Sorry about my inbox hope i fixed it! I agree that its time to break it off but its much easier said than done. To do it slowly by distancing her own self is more painful in the long run but easier right now and its better then doing nothing.

[Incognito]

What does the picture in your signature line mean?