Newbie.

[Moonchild]

Mm, I don't remember how I found this place. Probably Google or Yahoo... I don't even remember what I was looking for.

I'm a college girl, nineteen. Bisexual. And I've fallen for my best friend of five or six years. Of course, it's been nearly two years since I fell for her.

I didn't come here to ask about what I can do to change her mind--I can't. She's straight. I've told her that I love her, and she's perfectly fine with that. We're still best friends. But she gets so sad sometimes, and I feel so helpless... We're at colleges in different states, but we talk every night. I'd give anything just to be able to give her a hug and tell her that everything will be all right.

Maybe I want to know if it's possible to get over her, though I don't think it is. Maybe I want to know if it would be stupid of me to date someone else while still in love with her, though I think it would be. Maybe I just want to be surrounded by both pain and success, a community of people who can show me that there is more than one possible outcome.

Sorry, it's past 3.00 AM. My brain isn't exactly in one piece at the moment...

I think... tonight will be another when I cry myself to sleep, simply because it's comforting.

I suppose I'll browse the forums more after my classes are over with tomorrow--that is, later today.

[Charlie Boy II]

Even if you guys do get together - what's the point? You won't be able to do anything. Neither of you has a penis. You want to get fingered for the rest of your life?

[Illusional]

who do you think invented a strap on?? my guess is that it wasn't a guy.

as for an alternate outcome, you can always go straight. hey, i didn't say it was an outcome that you'd agree with.

raverboy

[dontknowhow]

wwweeelllcccooommmeee. and good luck.

[ashscottish]

Hi... Dont really know how i got here but I was just looking for some tips on how to get over some things... Hope that we can get along here and help each other in some ways we can... Im single and just broke off with my boyfriend. Trying to get over it, but its very hard because we both work in the same office...

[Gigabitch]

Hi Moonchild. Unrequited love is a bitch, ain't it? I think the only way you're ever going to get over her is by sheer force of will. That might mean an end to the nightly phone calls.

Are you sure getting over her is what you want?

And ashscottish, that sounds like hell.

[Moonchild]

Charlie: It's about love, not necessarily sex. To be perfectly honest, I'm a virgin, and I'm certain I'm not missing anything. And pleasure is pleasure anyway--there doesn't have to be a penis involved for that. That's just men thinking too much of themselves, no offense.

Illusional: Whether I can love someone else or not is based on that person, not their gender. "Going straight" won't help me if I can't love anyone else.

dontknowhow: Thank you.

ashscottish: I'm sorry. I hope things get better for you. I can sort of see where you're coming from on that... One of my ex-boyfriends was in my Physics class in the senior year of high school--it's difficult avoiding someone in that situation.

Gigabitch: AIM, actually. I'm a poor college student and wouldn't be able to afford it if I were to spend so many hours on the phone with her. I don't exactly have a job. I speak with her over the phone every so often, but not quite as often as in text. She's not online yet, so... I guess I spend a lot of nights just waiting for her. I go to clubs, but afterward I've nothing to do but come back to the dorm. I've tried talking to people, but they don't really seem to like me a whole lot... I suppose that's my fault. And no... No, I don't think I want to get over her. I'll be perfectly happy even if all I can do is help her and be her friend. And spending time with her, even though she'll never feel the same, makes me feel as if I'm the happiest person in the world. I do wish I could be with her, but the truth is that I can think nothing bad of the situation. I love it when we can talk, and I love it when we're both home from college and can spend time together. As friends, maybe, but it's wonderful on its own.

[ashscottish]

I swear it really does!!!!

I dont even know how to act if his near and chats with our common friends.. I always see him everyday! And you know what hurts the most? it's when he acts that everything is just perfectly ok with him... I feel like quitting my job but can't.. And I just dont know how to deal with it at the moment...

[Moonchild]

Just do your best to ignore him for now... Well, maybe not /ignore/, but certainly don't get into conversation unless you'd be comfortable with it. Or you could pretend that he's someone entirely different--and, in a way, he is. He's not the person you started dating, who you thought would stay with you. So treat him that way. And if you get to know him again, as things get more comfortable, it may not hurt being friends. I'm still friends with the first girl I kissed, still friends with my fifth ex-boyfriend. Failed romance doesn't necessarily mean failed interaction, it's just a matter of telling yourself that he's a person--not a romantic interest, not a /failed/ romantic interest. Just someone else you work with.

If that makes any sense. Sounds easier than it is, I know, but just grin and bear it for now. It'll work out. =)

[ashscottish]

GOSH!!!!

What can I say but THANK YOU... It is very true that maybe yes, its easier said than done. But it really eases my pain.. With someone who canunderstand and give an advice, thats very soothing to the heart...

Hope I can bear it.. Im trying not to be uncomfortable with the situation, right now from what I heard he is seeing someone ( also from inside our office) I want to get mad...!! $?!>!%$ But I dont want to be that low..

[Gigabitch]

Okay, Moonchild. Now you get to hear my speech about how your friendship with her is bullshit because you have feelings for her. That is not friendship. It is a relationship. You may not be getting what you need from this relationship, and it may be terribly unbalanced, but it is NOT a friendship.

[ashscottish]

Hi moonchild... You know what, I also had a friend who is a bisexual. We became close when I worked for their company.. Apparently, she showed a lot of affection and although I understand her because of her gender still I felt uncomfortable. Because again, its hard when youre delaing with a straight person. Im not sure whats her real reaction when you opened up your feelings for her, but its just really hard to deal with that. I stopped communicating with her because she just cant control her emotions in public and she often cries because of the pain that I've been allegedly causing her.

My simple advice, let go... and just concentrate with your career/studies. Someday, someone out there will find you and accept you for everything... be optimisitc but learn to let go for the meantime...

[Moonchild]

I understand what you're both saying, but I won't let go. This isn't hurting me, and it isn't hurting her. She's known that I like her for more than six months now, and I don't repeat "I love you" or "this hurts" or "I wish you'd be with me" because it'd be stupid to. I love her, but I am also her friend. Those two things do not have to change how our friendship has been for the past five years, and they haven't. I give her advice on guys she likes or who show interest in her. I listen when she's upset or needs to cry. These are traits of friendship, and I can keep other emotions out of it. It's true that I'd be the happiest person on the planet if I could be with her, but I can't. So I'll be the happiest person on the planet by being her friend for as long as she'll have me--even if that means I'll end up attending her wedding as she marries someone else. There's a difference between love and obsession, and a difference between control and helplessness. I have love for her, but not to the point where it causes me pain that she's happy without being in a relationship with me, and that this will always be the case. I will never blame her for any pain, because she causes me no pain. Her happiness, with or without me, is enough. Trying to guilt someone into a relationship is the worst thing one could possibly do, because it's essentially ensuring a negative outcome. I'm in no pain because of this. She's in no pain knowing. Nothing changed, before and after. I'll cry when I can't help, but that's more because we're in two different states now. She was there for me all through high school, we lived fifteen minutes apart. I was always there for her. And now when she tells me that she's lonely, that her friends have (once again) decided to go do something she can't bear to tell them she hates (scary movies), I can't do anything. I can't keep her company myself, as much as I'd love to. That's why I cry. But I have enough sense to know that it isn't her fault, and that things will always be like this. I don't want to be left alone. She doesn't want to be left alone. We understand each other best, so under no circumstances will I stop talking with her.

...You'll hear about people loving so much that it causes them pain. I don't think love is supposed to be that way, even unrequited. I love her so much that it makes me happy, no matter what place I have in her life. And that's the difference. ashscottish, if she had never experienced pain because of you, if the emotions involved never hurt her, and if that one thing didn't begin to dominate her life where you were concerned, wouldn't you think it a little silly to stop communicating? If you both acted like friends should, and neither of you hurt? That's the kind of thing I'm talking about. I can concentrate on my studies as easily as I can concentrate on her--they're both part of my life. It's a little ridiculous to let one completely take over. It's not as if I go to class and think about her, it's not as if I do my homework with little hearts to the side. When I've done everything I need to for the day, I look forward to the conversations I have at night. There's only happiness here. But taking away the romantic interest on my part, I think it understandable for someone to be upset if their best friend is upset and they can't do anything at all. I'd cry for my mother. I'd cry for my father, and my brother, and my foster siblings. But this week, it's been her sadness and her stress and her frustration with college. I love her, and only her sadness makes me sad. I admit that I'd love to hold her and kiss her, but only her sadness makes me sad. Does that make sense?

ashscottish, regarding your situation... It's understandable to be a bit jealous and upset that he's found someone else to date, but it's no reason to be /mad/, so much. I know the feeling, and I also know that it's a little unreasonable and, as you said, low, and it /will/ hurt. Even if its existance doesn't make sense, the fact that it hurts does. But the best way to look at it is that someone who wasn't quite suited to you is now looking for someone who will be suited to him. And you can't blame him for that; it's a human thing. And when you date the next guy, you will be looking for someone more suited to you. And one day, you will /find/ that person, and you won't regret what happened with this ex. Experiences and memories pile up, and you've learned something from this, whether you consciously realize it or not. You will, in the back of your mind, know what a bad quality in a man is, and use that knowledge as you look for a future partner. He's doing the same thing. Guys aren't as emotional, so they won't show it, but even though he may act like nothing's bothering him, feelings linger. But he's moving on, same as you will. He's in the same position as you, and from that perspective, it's kind of hard to be upset or assign blame. It will still hurt, but you can bear it. You can live through it, and move on to love someone who is different from him, who has qualities you know you like but is also missing the little things that made this past relationship fail. You're strong. Just as strong as your ex, and just as strong as everyone else. Pain and anger is fleeting. Concentrate on yourself, because you're probably too used to concentrating on him. You'll be fine, so keep your head up and keep walking forward. "I have no reason to be upset about this." It's the easiest thing to say, and sometimes a little bit of logic helps. Everything else is emotion, and you can let go of that. You'll have to let go of that, and find someone /better/. Because only a better man deserves what you have to offer. =)

[Gigabitch]

That's a well-constructed little trap there, Moonchild. I hope you're comfy in there, and I say that as kindly as a big bitch like me can say it. I have a feeling you're going to be in there for a while.

[ashscottish]

Well... very well said Moonchild. I rest my case.. As long as your are happy with her then go.. stay as best friends because maybe she really deserves a friend like you. In my case, the Obsession thing was there and that made me uncomfortable and the reason why I stopped communicating with her. But for both of you who have been best friends for a long time, thats different.. I know that...

Hope, I will be able to surpass this and in time find someone who can completely accept me and love me for who I am. And of course, I love myself more than now.

Hope things get better for you, its nice to know that someone is actually sharing someone's pain like what you feel for your bestfriend.. Just be happy, and let us know the progress...