Just found out about my girlfriends past boyfriends. Don't judge me, just help me.

[masterwampatoga]

Please read the whole thing. I know it’s long but it’s the only way you can understand my point of view.
Okay let me start by saying that this girl is no ordinary girl to me. I am seriously in love with her, not kid love, not young love, not ‘you thought it was love’ love. I love this girl, I am in love with this girl, and I will always love this girl. But now I have a bipolar relationship with her. Some days I love her to death, I want to hug her as tight as I can, filling in all gaps between us. I want to kiss her all over, all day and night, massage her, tease her, please her, prove to her I deserve her. The girl that I met 6 months ago. The girl that she is right now. That is the girl I love. But her past, I can’t deal with that. To some of you it may not be a big deal, but to me, her two past boyfriends kill me, literally kill me inside. Some days I feel like suicide, some days I feel like laying in bed until the pain goes away, some days I go to the gym and channel my anger, pain, and distress into the weights…often lifting more than should be possible for my weight. I have so much pain and anger and disappointment that when I weightlift, my body can’t take the stress of the weights and my body collapses after each set, but the pain drives me through countless more sets.
So on to the story. Last week I was searching through her facebook (we gave each other our passwords) and I came across some old conversations with her friends talking about her old boyfriends. I knew she had two boyfriends before because she told me, but she neglected to tell me some of the finer details about them. Her second boyfriend I can get over. It bothers me but its not too bad. She had a crush on him in senior year of high school and they went to prom together. They kissed on prom night and then dated for a month or so after that, making out once (according to her) and kissing a few times. They broke up when she found out they were completely incompatible. OKAY, how do you date for a month and then realize you aren’t good for each other…? He was a douchebag skater who failed at school, she was a little cute good-girl nerd who was one A away from a 4.0. She was a cheerleader and a volleyball player. Since when would that work!?! We go the Berkeley (about 5% acceptance rate), he goes to a state school that lets anyone in (70+% acceptance). Now in some of the facebook messages to her friends, she was super excited about me, saying “he looks and dresses and acts so much like ____!”. Etc. Only difference is I am pre-med, he is probably going to work in a cubicle that requires minimal school. I am not a douche like him, I work out hard everyday (good body IMO), I don’t party or drink like he does (my gf doesn’t party or drink either). He skated in high school and got a C- in math. I led our football team and went to a state science fair. Not bragging but seems convenient that I look and act like him but I’m so much more awesome and that’s why she chose me just 3 months out of their relationship. That bothers me, but not as much as her first boyfriend.
My girlfriend is one of those small Asian girls, 5 feet tall, 100 pounds, cute as hell. You know how some of those 15 year old Asian girls look so innocent and cute (no pedo), well when she was 15, she dated this big 18 year old Mexican kid who looks like he rarely showers and is working at McDonalds right now. They dated for 2 years. She met him through a friend! They hooked up just like that. **** that man, that hurts. Every time I hug my girl now, I think of her when she was 15 getting smothered by his fat ***. They made out numerous times. She says that’s the most they did but c’mon how do you want me to believe that. It may be true but honestly an 18 year old and a 15 year old, he probably groped her every day. And if she told me they did more than making out, she knows I would break up with her instantly so she will never tell me that. Seriously, my little angel, who is supposed to have an innocent little normal 15 year old girl past spent her time being groped by a big loser who was 18 while she was 15 and who currently works at McDonalds. I don’t wanna be mean but **** man, how can a super smart girl like her date a high school dropout.
She said its because she had just moved and she had no friends and she wanted to fit in. That’s BS. How often does dating a senior as a freshman make you fit in? Not to compare her to me because I know I have a unique story and I am an exception (don’t mean to sound cocky) but I grew up in Compton. I say people get killed when I was 8. My fondest memory was when I was walking back from school and this man walked out of a liquor store, he was shot and fell to the ground. The shooter ran up to him, took his wallet, shot him again, killing him, and then shot him some more for no reason. Then before he ran away, he made eye contact with me. After my dad became a doctor we moved to a rich neighborhood and I went to a new highschool too with rich kids. I hated them. So spoiled and protected from the world. The girls were sluts and the guys were douches. I became instantly popular (star football player, top 10 student). All the girls were all over me but I rejected them all because I had my morals and values. I could have easily nailed most of them, half of which were significantly hotter than my girlfriend. I had my morals though. So I didn’t. In junior year I got in a fight with another player on the team and got suspended for a day. I beat the life out of him for talking **** to me and sent him to the nurse with a broken arm. Next week’s game ended my football career with two broken ankles that never healed properly, so it still hurts when I run. After those two incidents, all the sudden the school hated me. So I know a little bit about wanting to fit in. While I was watching murders happen, scared for my life, she was making out with future McDonalds janitors.
I know I shouldn’t compare us, but its just unbelievable, her past. More than that, she tried to hide her past from me, and would have done so forever. I found out though, and the day after, I stopped talking to her. She didn’t know what was wrong, but her first action was to delete all conversations on facebook about her boyfriends. That scares me. Seems like she is hiding stuff and I will never know because I didn’t finish reading them all. So we talked the next day and I made her call her friend from high school asking her what she thought about her past boyfriend. Her friend said they were cute together and she wouldn’t mind if they got back together. HER FRIEND KNOWS MY GIRLDFIRNED IS DATING ME RIGHT NOW!!! WTF is that about?!?!
So like I said, sometimes I love her to death now. But sometimes, I just randomly think of her past. Last Friday, I was taking down notes on the bacterial infection of humans that causes gangrene and I randomly started thinking of her first boyfriend. I had to leave class because I couldn’t focus. Last night I cuddled with my gf until we fell asleep but I dreamed that I found out she gave him blowjobs numerous times (which btw she was a pro when she gave me my first blowjob. She is my first gf too btw). It makes me mad, I know I had my morals, but I could have nailed IMO the hottest girl on the planet back in the day while she was having her “innocent” relationships with her bfs. Then I might have felt better about this whole thing. But I didn’t and even if I had I know I would have regretted it.
I’ve only told you the things that are bothering me. There’s a lot more to the story and Chris Brown’s song “Say Goodbye” gets is nearly perfect. If you have time, please listen to the song. I don’t want to leave her but I can’t live like this, not knowing if one day i’m going to wake up happy, the next day angry and suicidal, the next day happy and then midday sad. It’s taking a huge toll on my heart and body. I love her, but honestly we’ve fought about small things like her not talking to me in public (she often just gives me one word answers or blows me off when I’m trying to talk to her in front of others.) She doesn’t do it on purpose but seriously its embarrassing.

Now if she had told me about this when we first got together, I would have at least been able to say “no, lets not date”. But now so far into our relationship, I found out about it myself. I have fallen in love with her and that makes it so hard. To me, finding out about it right now is the same as her cheating on me right now. I have looked around for help, and I just keep hearing people say “get over it”. I can’t. I just can’t. Someone said if I can’t get over it, we are not going to work out. What should I do? I can’t give up her past. I don’t try to think of it, it just pops up in my dreams and In class and kills me. What should I do? Please help me.

Oh and on facebook, we finally put that we are in a relationship. But she restricted the people who can view it to only Berkeley friends. Why won't she tell all her friends about me. Why won't she tell her family about me like she told her family about her old boyfriends? She called her second boyfriend "special" in a message to her cousin on facebook.

I know she loves me. I know she does. The way she fights for me when i want to break up with her because of her past. I bash her about her past for hours while we fight and then i tell her "i'm done" and walk out towards the elevator, but she follows me crying enough tears to fill a cup, messing up her make up, begging for me. But in my anger i push her away. And then 5 minutes later after i walk around alone outside i come back and apologize. I don't want to live like this, fighting about her past then apologizing after she cries.

Oh and she didn't delete either boyfriend for facebook until i brought it up. She kept her second boyfriend as a preferred friend until two days ago.

[michelle23]

omfg you have issues man. jeez my first two bfs were total losers. most teenagers dont no what they want and most people kiss a few frogs before meeting someone they really like.

y do u feel the need to brag about all the things you could have done? that should mean nothing to you because of your morals so all that crap is irrelevant. and why do you feel the need to put all these people down? and why do you compare how your gf looks to other women?

so what if she has had one or two sexual experiences before you? that does not mean shes some sort of dirty slut with no morals. and maybe the fact she went out with those lads means shes not shallow and actually liked their personality.

you come across as narcassistic to me. or at the very least extremely arragont.

[masterwampatoga]

You come across as a meanie. I didn't ask for a lecture. I listed those facts because i thought it would help someone understand why i feel the way i do. I don't care what people think of my accomplishments. I had no friends in my last two years of high school. Everyone hated me. I thought listing my accomplishments would help someone say some profound stuff like "oh you can't accept her because you can't accept that her past doesn't measure up to yours" or something.

And what personality did they have?! They probably just wanted to **** the shit out of her like my two roommates want to right now. Her second boyfriend was the complete opposite of her, she was just hot and thats why he wanted her. Her first boyfriend...which kind of 18 year old looks to a 15 year old for a deep emotional relationship? He just though she was hot too (which she is) and that most likely what he was in it for. She told me they only hung out occasionally. They didn't talk much. Just kissing.

I didn't mention it in the first post, but we have a perfect relationship. In private, we communicate on such a deep level. We talk about real stuff, not surface level facts.

I asked for honest help. Please give me some honest advice. I am not trying to be cocky. I need some advice. Please. Like you said just a few minutes ago in another thread, I just get a bad vibe from these two "cool guys". I know what their goals were.

[michelle23]

i am not giving you a lecture. im giving you a reality check. your standards and expectations are too high. these two men are in her past and have no bearing on your relationship.

actuually a friend of mine was 18when he met his 15year old gf. they stayed together for 3years and he loved her to bits. she dumped him when she turned 18coz she wanted to party and he was devastated.

you are making all sorts of assumptions and jumping to all sorts of conclusions. why dont you sit down and have a conversation with your gf-ask the questions you need answered in a non-judgemental way?

if you cant communicate with her-the relationship wont last.

[actualgoodguy]

Dude, are you my long lost brother? I see exactly where you're coming from. Though I wouldn't have gotten that bj (ask before receiving next time). But I feel the same way about past boyfriends. I haven't had a gf before but I also couldn't bare her being with another guy before me. I have morals that sound like yours and am saving myself for my wife someday and I expect the same from my future wife (it just makes sense to me). And michelle23 don't give me the bs of teenagers don't know what they want. It's just a lame excuse that's convenient to use "Oh, I was only 15 and didn't know what I was doing and that's why I had sex with him." Give me a break, you're in high school at this point and have an intelligent brain that could have decided to say no. And no I don't think he has issues, I think he is talking 100% truth and even if it does sound narcissistic or arrogant, if it's the truth that's all that matters. Sometimes it's better to be a hated truth teller than a liked bs artist. Most successful people have a bit of narcissism and arrogance in them and as long as you don't physically, mentally, or emotionally hurt anyone with it there's nothing wrong with it. So back to the OP, if that's the way you feel about her past, then it is what it is. You shouldn't have to compromise your morals, it's your life and you only have one shot, make it how you want it to be.

[michelle23]

plus just coz shes hot does not make her stupid enough to let men use her. im hot and iv never been used. it sounds like you think nobody else is good enough for this girl but you and i think you think you can do even better then her.

a little aragont?

[actualgoodguy]

FYI - there's no such thing as "standards and expectations that are too high". Everyone sets their own. It's hard to have high standards and expectations, it gets frustrating and sometimes it gets very tempting to lower them. But all I know is that when you accomplish those high standards and expectations....well it certainly beats the mainstream and mediocrity.

[michelle23]

wtf are you on about. he doesnt no for sure if she slept with anyone or not. they obviously havnt had that conversation yet. and i never said that crap you just said about teenagers. i said most people KISS a few frogs and many people dont marry the first person they have sex with. even if they want to-there is no guarantee the relationship will work out.

[michelle23]

i respect both your morals and integrity. i have similar opinions on sex and relationships but my point is you are both jumping to conclusions

[michelle23]

what so she should not have gone out with some guy she liked when she was 15? that is an unrealistic expectation. just coz she went out with him-doesnt mean she had sex with him.

and fyi- just coz she gave a good bj does not mean shes experienced. the male body is fairly easy to figure out compared to the female.

[masterwampatoga]

I have had these talks with her. No matter what she says i won't believe her. She will tell me what i want to hear so i don't break up with her. It's to hard to believe her. The friends she hung out with back in highschool...they were boy-crazy and still are to this day. You group yourself with those like you. She was boy-crazy.

And I like this argument. I agreee mostly with actualgoodguy because he gets me. I understand girls make mistakes, but i just can't trust mine anymore. Its hard because last night we had the best night of our lives IMO and we fell asleep cuddling but i dreamed about youknowhat. Thats the first time iv'e dreamed that. It seems the better time we have together, the worse the nightmares get.

[surfhb2]

This forum really needs to include a Teen Section so adults can deal with their issues separately. Seriously..... These threads just convolutes this site. No offense to teenage issues what so ever

[michelle23]

if you dont trust ber and dont have the same morals than you should not be together. your so convinced shes a liar that everything she says to try and reassure your insecurity goes in one ear and out the other.

do you think all women who are not virgins are sluts? if you do then y did u let her give u a bj? does that make her a slut coz dhe sucked her bf dick?

see what i mean about issues?

[actualgoodguy]

I have those same worries when I ask a girl about her past....hoping she doesn't know I'll dump her if I find out about her past....still trying to figure out how to phrase the question without it seeming like I care about the answer lol....though I'm 1 for 1 so far.

[michelle23]

and you come across as someone who believes most men are just after one thing which is not true. you think everyone wants to **** your gf which is not true. you think your girl is a dlut coz she went out with 2guys that you think your better than.

and fyi: most teenage girls are a little boy crazy. doesnt mean they wana have sex with everyone that pays them some attention. you obviously have some growing up to do