My girlfriends past disturbs me

[Best man]

Hi there,

My girlfriend was talking about her ex the other day, I really didn`t want to know or ask but she was talking to me and it really made me feel uneasy. Her ex boyfriend was 39 years old, and she was only 18, he was her first boyfriend and he had been married twice both ending in divorce ( he never told her about the 2nd one ) and he had 4 children, 1 of whom was the same age as her at 18. I found this very strange as 18 year olds are still very young and have years to go before I would really consider them to be adults, I am 28 years of age btw and I could never date anyone under 21 if I`m honest.

Anyway I was disturbed by the way he was treating her as well, he was her first boyfriend after all, she moved in with him and lived there for 4 years, she was very inexperienced and within a few months he was getting her involved in having anal sex with him and she now tells me she feels she might have been damaged by this and is no longer willing to participate in it. I felt terrible and felt like she has been used by this much older man and led down a bad road. He was arguing with her quite a lot and had her in tears a lot of the time according to her parents who were always against the relationship but as she had moved out there was nothing they could do. I am very disappointed in her for allowing it to happen and to go on as long as it did and we do get on great, we`ve been together over 6 months I just feel really sick by this all and it`s probably because I care a lot about her!

What do you guys/gals think about this? What would be a good way to move forward and try and not think about this?

Thanks.

[Cerby]

If you dig in a graveyard, you're going to find some bones. It isn't about what happened or didn't, it's about accepting that everyone has a past, and that no matter how much you wish you could change it, you can't, and she can't. If you start to shame her for having a misguided 4 year relationship before she even met you, then your relationship is doomed.

This question comes up in the forum once a week or more, and the only advice that usually comes out of it is that you need to accept it and move forward, or you can let it destroy the relationship and you can move on. Choice is yours.

[Wakeup]

Do you think it's affected her mental or emotional health, Best Man or are you personally just getting freaked out by this? Its one thing for you yourself to work past her past, it's quite another for her to be able to do it.

You've only gone out with her for six months which is hardly enough time for you to discover if she's overcome this and hasn't been damaged mentally. Keep your eyes open for symptoms while you get to know her better.

If this is just about You not being able to come to terms with her past choices then that is all just a matter of mind over matter and if her past hasn't followed her into this new relationship with you, then there really isn't anything to be personally disturbed over, is there?

[Boisdevie]

Young people do stupid stuff. Deal with it or it's over.

[Fruitsss]

I think u barely know her. So stupid of her to told u all of that to someone she barely know.
Cause your friendship is not strong enough and u dont know each other enough to
receive that information in the right way,

Its like telling it all at the first date.

Its sad how her life was'; that old bastard was a abuser, but at the other hand
she was rebellious and knew it was wrong.
But looking at the age of both, i can say maybe he manipulated her and used her,
She should have listing to her parents.
Things like this can happen when teens dont listing.

But what ever the story i dont know what u r mad about.
Cause the dude is not in your life. She is.
And u r now with her. So focus on that or leave her for somebody else.

She may have told u just to be honest with u, now u r turning it to a whole other story and issue,
Doo u care for her or that u cant fock her in the but anymore cause of the situation.???

If u care about her , let it go, that part of her past is not about u. respect her
and what she dont want to do. She told u that story for a reason.
So now u know u should not fock her butt cause its something traumatic for her,

[Fruitsss]

She needs to get help. cause i think she may have some damage cause of that

[basilandthyme]

I'd be guessing that she's scarred by the experience and was reaching out to you. Not that she needs your help per se, but she just needed you to know her story.

I guess the best way to look at it is to remember that the wonderful person she is today is because of the sum of all her life experiences.

[Fruitsss]

I'd be guessing that she's scarred by the experience and was reaching out to you. Not that she needs your help per se, but she just needed you to know her story.

soooo agree

[Best man]

She didn't hit me with the whole spiel at once, it came out over a period of a couple of months it's just all pretty crazy to me I'm struggling to get my head around it that's for sure! Perhaps she wanted me to know, I've done stuff in my past but it's nothing to do with her and unless she asks me for information I won't divulge it to her! I just for one can't understand why she acted in that way, a healthy 18 year old shouldn't be acting like that. I also don't understand why she felt the need to hit me with it either otherwise everything would be cool!

Aside from that we get on great and I treat her well, I just hope she hasn't spoiled it for us I definitely get bad vibes about what she's told me.

[smackie9]

Hi there,

My girlfriend was talking about her ex the other day, I really didn`t want to know or ask but she was talking to me and it really made me feel uneasy. Her ex boyfriend was 39 years old, and she was only 18, he was her first boyfriend and he had been married twice both ending in divorce ( he never told her about the 2nd one ) and he had 4 children, 1 of whom was the same age as her at 18. I found this very strange as 18 year olds are still very young and have years to go before I would really consider them to be adults, I am 28 years of age btw and I could never date anyone under 21 if I`m honest.

Anyway I was disturbed by the way he was treating her as well, he was her first boyfriend after all, she moved in with him and lived there for 4 years, she was very inexperienced and within a few months he was getting her involved in having anal sex with him and she now tells me she feels she might have been damaged by this and is no longer willing to participate in it. I felt terrible and felt like she has been used by this much older man and led down a bad road. He was arguing with her quite a lot and had her in tears a lot of the time according to her parents who were always against the relationship but as she had moved out there was nothing they could do. I am very disappointed in her for allowing it to happen and to go on as long as it did and we do get on great, we`ve been together over 6 months I just feel really sick by this all and it`s probably because I care a lot about her!

What do you guys/gals think about this? What would be a good way to move forward and try and not think about this?

Thanks.

Break up with her. Seriously break up with her. Yes she made a poor choice, but this isn't about her, this is about you. If you feel she is damaged or tainted, that just means she isn't your ideal girl. I think it's only fair to her that you go find someone else that has a more normal dating background. Personally I would never want to keep seeing someone that was so sickened by my past that they had such an issue with it that they had to go on the internet and ask strangers about it. I would be sickened by your point of view and I'm sure she would be too. I feel sorry for your GF.

[Fruitsss]

Dude break up u r not the right dude for her. i think u will make her life worse.
U r making it all about u. while its not about u.

Leave her!

[Fruitsss]

Break up with her. Seriously break up with her. Yes she made a poor choice, but this isn't about her, this is about you. If you feel she is damaged or tainted, that just means she isn't your ideal girl. I think it's only fair to her that you go find someone else that has a more normal dating background. Personally I would never want to keep seeing someone that was so sickened by my past that they had such an issue with it that they had to go on the internet and ask strangers about it. I would be sickened by your point of view and I'm sure she would be too. I feel sorry for your GF.

so agree !!!!!!!!!! this dude will make her life worse!

[basilandthyme]

I've done stuff in my past but it's nothing to do with her and unless she asks me for information I won't divulge it to her! I just for one can't understand why she acted in that way, a healthy 18 year old shouldn't be acting like that. I also don't understand why she felt the need to hit me with it either otherwise everything would be cool!

Aside from that we get on great and I treat her well, I just hope she hasn't spoiled it for us I definitely get bad vibes about what she's told me.

I know you wouldn't divulge your past - but YOU'RE NOT HER. Why would a healthy 18yo act like that? Off the top of my head, the obvious answer is 'daddy issues' If a girl doesn't get male attention from her father, she's more likely to seek it elsewhere.

She hit you with the information because she needed to reach out and is comfortable with you. She probably also thought that she wouldn't be judged by you.

You're worried about her spoiling things for you. I find this incredibly selfish of you. She made some bad decisions and was damaged by the experience. She trusted you enough to reach out but all you can think about is yourself.

Move on. She deserves someone who can love her for all of who she is.

[Fruitsss]

I know you wouldn't divulge your past - but YOU'RE NOT HER. Why would a healthy 18yo act like that? Off the top of my head, the obvious answer is 'daddy issues' If a girl doesn't get male attention from her father, she's more likely to seek it elsewhere.

i agree with that.

[Best man]

Well thanks for the opinions guys/gals I guess I don't understand it very well as I've never had a shoddy past to that degree.

My main point is just that I am disappointed in that guy for treating her how he did, but ultimately disappointed in her that she let him and didn't leave sooner... That's the part I don't understand, I thought she would have been smarter that's all.