BF always tries to out do me? Mental health issues? What do you think?

[maggster_01]

My boyfriend has always tried to be extremely competitive with me. He has some compulsive-like behaviors, in the sense that when he buys something, he has to have every one that was manufactured. Last year I mentioned a laptop that I was really wanting to get. One month later, he manipulated his mom into buying the exact one for his son on his birthday. Another example, my mom bought me a cheap little Nextbook PC tablet....not long after, he went and bought his son the Kindle Fire. I mentioned wanting to buy a Water Pik flosser for my teeth...well, low and behold! He has one sitting on his bathroom counter now. He is constantly having to tell me how great his kid is doing in school...almost to compare his child to my own. He always seems to be one up on me. I don't play this game...but I feel as though I have started some of the behaviors just to defend myself.

He had a very horrible childhood and was never shown love, guidance, support and was never supervised. He was always pawned on his grandparents and his dad spent 4 years in the penitentiary during his adolescent years.

He has very nice things..that came from his mother when she received an inheritance. These are items that no one else around has. He always has to be different and better than everyone else. Almost narcissistic behavior and some obsessive compulsive behavior.

He has also treated me very poorly and cheated on me in the past. When I left at different times, his behavior would improve each time I would take him back. He has made some huge leaps and bounds compared to what he was at. I feel that I have turned into a much more irritable person gradually since I have been with him and I don't want to be this person! It's almost like his behaviors have worn off on me and I feel I have to act like him just to defend myself!

He is very insecure and always says that I am going to leave him once I finish school and start making better money. I have never thought this once, but trying to convince him of that just stresses me out! He always puts my friends and family members down..but I take a strong stand on this and let him know that he will not distance me from the people who are close to me or he will be the one disappearing from my life.

We live in different households, well now we do. I have lived with him on 3 different occasions. He kicked me out twice and this last time..I left on my own because he would not stop hanging out with my ex-husband and leaving me behind at the house! Who does this? Damn, I wish love wasn't so blind because I would have thought about my, myself and I long before now!

I love him a bunch, but sometimes love isn't always enough. Has anyone else experienced a relationship like this? I'm not sure how much longer I can handle this. He always says that we are soul mates, but to be honest...we are two TOTALLY different people with different outlooks on life

[Love'sReject]

Is it that he's gradually better behaved each time you take him back or just progressively better at hiding at cheating? Regardless, I think there's enough warning signs to really start questioning if you should stay with him.

[maggster_01]

I know that there is no cheating going on, because he is sick about what he has done in his past. I'm not saying that he wouldn't ever cheat again, but he is sick about it and not proud of the things he has done in his past. He is brutally honest with me, if I ask him a question..he will tell me the truth.

I just worry about his quirky behavior and mannerisms. There are just way too many to list! I think that he has been conditioned this way. He is a very good dad and has full custody of his son. He always told himself that he would not raise his child the way that he was raised, he almost became obsessive about it. His son already shows compulsive behavior because of the way he raises him. He doesn't realize that he is doing any harm, but as an outsider, it is so plain to see. His son will freak out if his routine doesn't stay the same and hates stuff on his hands. It is actually to the point of annoyance at times, but that's a different topic.

My boyfriend tends to like to show his stuff off and I think he is just trying to get attention, he wasn't shown much as a child. If I'm having new friends over, he will open all of his garage doors and act like he is working on something, just so everyone can see his jet ski, 4-wheeler, sports car..etc. etc. It is so obvious and embarrassing.

[basilandthyme]

Has anyone experienced a relationship like this? God no. I'd run in the other direction.

How about you start by telling us all the reasons you love him. For a start, what makes him lovable? And how does being with him make you feel good about yourself? Let's seriously analyse the reasons behind your loving him.

In the meantime, you need therapy urgently. It's really important for you to figure out why you'd accept such this third class relationship...and why you don't aim for better.

And I just wanted to add: trying to analyse him and why he does stuff is of no use to you. For whatever reasons he is what he is. That's all you need to know.

[smackie9]

If it's pissin ya off, end it...

[HeartIsAching]

He's trying to get approval. That happens when one has an unloving parent. He doesn't know how, and there's no amount you can ever show him that will be enough. His behaviors are abusive, and they're not going to get better without counseling - if you're not willing to wait, or he's not willing to go, then it's time to walk away.

[maggster_01]

I probably need to be worrying about myself and my own issues right now it sounds like. I do have some co-dependency issues and I guess I just thought I could "make everything better" in the beginning and boy have I been on a crazy ride the last 4 years with him. My family does not approve of him and everyone tells me that I can do so much better. I've always had a problem with falling in love so quickly with no rationalizing of whether or not, we even have anything in common.

The reasons I love him...let's see. I would say it's mostly attachment. Sometimes I wonder if I hate him more than I love him? I'm constantly irritated by him and I just play it cool and suffer in the end. I always tell myself that he needs me. I'm not going to lie, we do have fun together but usually ends on a bad note for the day.

I think I just feel sorry for him. As I'm sitting here thinking about all of this, it is making me sad for him. I always do this and that is what is keeping me from leaving and putting myself first! I think I have some serious soul searching to do. I love the idea of counseling, I just have to find a way to make that happen financially. If there's a will, there's a way.

Thank you all for your replies and advice!

Keep them coming please...this is helping me see the light. Especially when it's outsiders giving non-bias advice and opinions. It has even made me realize that I need to get myself back on the right track.

[basilandthyme]

Ok, so can we agree that you DON'T love him? Sometimes making this admission to yourself is the hardest part of the journey. Sure, there may be other complex feelings involved, but let's differentiate them from love.

Lets now look at a couple of other things you've stated. Why does he need you? And let's be clear about the word 'need'. A need is something essential for life. Tell us your rationale.

And why do you feel sorry for him? Another thing for you to explore with us. You may feel sorry for what he went through in the past, but that's a long time ago now. Do you feel sorry for the man he is now? Do you think pity is a good reason to stay with him?

Lastly, you say you have a child. As a parent, we owe it to our children to give them the best possible environment for growing into a balanced adult. But this situation is only teaching that men can be rude and abusive and women need to accept it. Have you considered that you should be placing your child's well being above any thoughts of staying with this guy out of pity or whatever?

Would it help if you consciously put your child's developmental needs above this mess of a relationship? Out of curiosity, how old is your child? Is he/she starting to emulate your partner's disrespect towards you or peers yet?