The most confused man on earth? BIG READ! Get a cuppa!

[clio28]

Hi guys, i obviously need help, otherwise i wouldnt be posting on here! I have spoken to so many people and i never get much of a response, apart from the fact they think he's a prick but i just need to be honest and open to people that dont have my 'best interests at heart' and just tell me straight!! its a long story and the spelling gets worse, and the grammer even more so, but bare with me....

I met a bloke about 8 months ago. He added me as a friend on a social networking site last year, i didnt think much of it, being currently in a realationship at the time, i got a little bit of really random 'likes' and threads and stuff... anyway, after about 4 months after i broke with my ex i had contact from him commenting on a photo i posted up, then on to IM. There hasnt been a day since then that we haven't spoken. He fussed me to meet him, to go after work and have a drink, go for coffee, watch telly with him. i turned him down for over a month until one day i had a totally shit experiance and he was there, so i decided to go over. We had a lovely time, and the 'connection' we had was so obvious. we just kept smiling at one another and having little 'fights'. after a couple of weeks i stayed over at his, that evening we went all the way, and then we started something.

he said to me that he just wanted a casual relationship because he was very hurt in a past one and he needed to build up his confidence. knowing how special our connection was i agreed. Months when by, he was devoted, he had me over for dinner, and it wasnt always even about the sex, often it never got to that point... just like a normal relationship. Problems rose when he wouldnt introduce me to his friends. they knew, but he wouldn't talk about what they said about me. He also went from inviteing me out every weekend to wanting to keep his fridays free. he broke my heart one day early on (when we were **** buddies) when he said "i just like to be unattached on a friday" and oh how that phrase rattles around my mind. I didnt mind so much because i was out as well and it didnt really matter. its just what we were... but suddenly we would be just like girlfriend and boyfriend one day and change the next. I decided that i would be happy to know that if we were exclusive that this was all ok, and it was a way of giving him the space he needed.

Until his best friend came to stay. a girl. I HATED this. she slept in the same bed as him, and even though he told me from the beginning about her and that it was totally just friends and nothing else. he hasnt slept with her, never wanted to it was just friends. but she knew all his mates, she went out with him on fridays, and i got cast aside. he was so cruel to me. apparently he says now that she doesnt get on with other girls very well. i just see it as her using him to stay in his flat, shes a spolit brat who i detest. anyway...

once again i get picked up again. its all ok. he gets his fridays, we are still having fun, spending loads of time together and i trust him into not sleeping with other people. I did raise the point as to 'where is this going' a couple of times and he just paniked and wouldnt talk about it. We got closer and closer. He took me to his parents house, i met the family. I even met his friends now. I was feeling like he was ready. I want you to know that i never forced this. He invited me to his parents, he invited me to spend christmas with him etc etc. We even talked about marriage, and we discussed baby names and he made me write one down and we both liked!! (how mad!!) but then it changed.

The sex stopped. or it was very few and far between. i instantly got suspicious, obviously. im not daft and i could tell something was wrong. he said that he lost his 'mojo' and that he wasnt sleeping very well either, but everything else was as before... infact it continued as it was.. i even had dinner with his family (my family hate him so he wasnt welcome at mine!! btw!!) it got a bit awkward so one evening i spoke to him about what i wanted. i told him that basically, i'd fallen for him. i thought it would help because he had expressed to me before that his past girlfriends didnt love him and he had been left heartbroken and on anti depressants after his last one. he didnt say much after our conversation, but we spent the night together.

The next day he went to a close friends wedding. and he last minute invited me in the evening doo. i met all his friends and when i was asked "are you his girlfriend?" i just said "oh ask him"... to which he said YES... and we slow danced with all the couples. and i will point out that he hadnt drunk much either. so i was overjoyed. But he would still tell me his 'mojo' had gone and he would stell be very private with his phone and his belongings. I know it sounds like he was with someone else, but i tested so many theroies.. one evening when he was being odd with me i went over unannounced (which i never do) and he was just playing a PS game. i have also set up little 'traps' to check evidence of other women, checking sheets etc. i know his habits, and he always follows stuff to a plan so he's pretty easy to suss out... no luck... but nevertheless my mind boggling, everything seemed to be ok. until his birthday came up. he refused to invite me out to celebrate. i know he had some friends stay with him (girls) that weekend and he totally ignored me. infact, we broke up over this. i was so upset by how he left me over his birthday, as if i didnt care... i was, i am so suspicious of what he does. he tells me stories of past times, ex's, sexual experiances, drunked moments. he's way of convincing me to have BBM was by telling me that 'most of the people he talks to on bbm are girls' it just drives me mad!!

How can someone be so into a realationship MOST of the time, but then not?!
Why does he ask this way with me? does he want a realatioship on his terms?

but now, he said to me that he doesnt want a relationship. he just wants to be my 'gay best mate- even though im not gay' he wants us to spend the days together, have evening meals. but he tells me the sex has to stop. He said it was that, that was causing his 'mojo' issues and that he needed abit of time to get his head straight. i said i couldnt do it. I cant just sit back and know that when im not being spoken to that he could be shagging another girl, and replaceing me.... i had to leave it, it was MADNESS... and i was getting ill. i lost 7lbs in two days from upset and worry and it was literally heart breaking.

but he wont leave me now. He is still contacting me everyday. it even got to a point when i had to explain to him that i can't just not be in love with someone and that i need space and i need him to leave me alone. he just said 'i told you you were too close and you said that you wern't' - i was as close as he made me!!? i never asked for any of the stuff, he offered me it! he accounced our 'girlfriend and boyfriend' status. he took me to his family

So after a while i agreed to spend a day with him, this weekend. Where he drove (he never does that) he paid for EVERYTHING (seriously, he never, ever EVER does that) and he even bought a dinner for us to have this week (which he bought last week, during the time i wasnt talking to him) and he begged me to stay over last night so we could watch a film and i didnt have to drive the 1hr journey home at midnight, and this morning he rolled over in bed to cuddle me - this is not 'best friend' behaviour. and i cant cope. Its what i want more than anything but i just know its not healthy but now i just cant understand why he is doing this. not only this, he has started to tell me that he is 'horny' and that he woke with 'morning glory'. what am i supposed to do with this kind of infomation?! he rejected me outright on this very subject, so why is he telling me this now? he said that he just can't do it because he feels like he is leading me on... what? even if i consent?! so why is he telling me? and he made a point of saying that he hasnt had sex since the last time we did.. and he says it so casually!! like i dont care. Its SUCH a big deal for me and it kills me to hear all this shit.

i just dont understand. i need some ideas as to where he is and what he's playing at!?

Needless to say i am cutting the ties. i told him he can't do these things, but i cant help but think something is going on, and its so hard to break away, and he makes it harder by refusing to leave me alone!

HELP!?

[smackie9]

He wants to eat his cake and eat it too. Some people do like the intimacy of a relationship, but also can't live with the restrictions. You have been flying along with this on his terms and that was your first mistake....they will always take advantage of you. Tip: if things are shady at the beginning never hold your breath for the relationship to "improve" or change for the better....your unconditional love has no value in circumstances like these. Stop stewing over it, just lick your wounds and don't ever give him a second thought. And don't be in a situation to the where you have to ask "where is this going?" If you do, jump ship, it's not worth the bull sh it.

[ellen]

Once you started to pull away that is when he again wanted intimacy from you. He is one confused guy and is pulling you into his confused world. Talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel and how when you pull away he bcomes more needy and wanting you. Ask him why he is like that and exactly what he wants from you.

[clio28]

He says he doesn't know what he wants from me. I raised the point of saying to him that he told me everything he doesn't want but nothing that he does.

He has major self confidence issues. He has admitted to this and he shows it a lot of the time. He often feels inadequate, he often says stuff that brings himself down, and he has openly admitted to needing an ego boost. He said when he broke up from his ex that he went a bit off the rails and decided to just sleep around to get the ego boost out of it, to feel needed. I know as a woman that, that never works. It makes you feel worse when you hear nothing back.

The resistrictions mentioned I can totally see. This makes a lot of sense. He very recently said to me that when he was younger he never did the going out drinking thing, the sleeping around. His first sexual experience was when he was 21 and he wants to make up for lost time by going out. The man is 29. All his friends are in long relationships, a lot of them are now married. I know it's wrong and I stop myself but so much of me is saying "it ain't gonna get better! You are going to end up a lonely old man with no friends because you are drifting (and drinking)" all these girls that he thinks are his friends just use him. A girl he goes to the cinema with has a boyfriend and only contacts him last minute when she's bored and her partner isn't around. His girl best mate now has a boyfriend and didn't come and see him on his birthday, infant didn't even wish him happy birthday until a day late! I'd thought these things would have been an eye opener to getting a grip and settling down... Perhaps it was wishful thinking....!

I know what I have to do, and that's move on. But I'm finding it hard and I just want closure, but I can't find it while I don't understand it... That's a personality flaw that I need to work on...

If I can make head'n'tail of the situation I can come up with my own conclusion - hopefully with your guys help!

[smackie9]

It's quite simple.....you were not the one. Others have experienced this where they stay in a relationship, even a marriage hoping for that person to change, grow up, want the same things like having children etc. They break up and all of a sudden their ex is off marrying and having kids with someone else.

This shows that it wasn't meant to be because you are with the wrong person, and emotionally he wasn't deeply connected to you to make those moves to settle down. You both will find that someone someday, the one that is on the same page. I have see so many struggle to get what they want out of a relationship only to have it fail. Like I said before if you have to ask where the relationship is going, it's already going to go nowhere. He is just not that into you....not enough to want to spend the rest of his life with you. Yes he has issues but you can't fix them nor was it your job to. I don't know you but I wonder if you stayed because of the problems that he has and you are one of those people that have a need to "help" him change his ways with your love. So many women fall into that trap.....hooking up with the bad boy, the player or the type that has a bad life, in hopes that they can change them, turn them around....the wrong reason to get into a relationship. Maybe you felt a need to "rescue" him. Anyways it's just my 2 cents on this. Just take whatever lessons you have learned from it and leave the rest behind.

[Sixpacj]

Can the mods please move this thread to "Ask A Female"?

It has been started, by mistake, under "Ask A Male"

Regards,
S

[VincenzoG91]

Clio, this guy is a selfish idiot. He has treated you badly, and it doesn't really matter why anymore. Just cut off all contact immediately. Change his contact info on your phone to "DO NOT ANSWER" so you will be warned properly when he calls. There are plenty of better guys out there, but you won't get to know any of them until you cut this loser out of your life like a tumor.

[Jason250]

It blows my mind