Please read - confused & trapped

[bluthndr]

My girlfriend and I are in a committed relationship for going on 4 years now. We have lived together for the last 3 and have been active sexually (with each other) the whole time. About 2 months ago, she decided that she felt "convicted" about premarital sex, and we have abstained since. She is determined that there should be no sex before marriage. I know all this seems "normal" on one level, but here's the twist. Prior to the abstinance, I had proposed to her 2 different times, but she did not take me seriously and/or said she was noot ready. We still talk all the time about marriage but that is all. Just recently she invited me to schedule premarital counseling and get the ball rolling.

My problem is this: ever since the "no sex until marriage" I feel frustrated and empty in the relationship, and we seem to argue a lot more (which of course makes both of us feel insecure). I also feel like I am being manipulated into proposing, and I feel that instead of proposing out of love and desire to spend my life with her (like I felt the first 2 times), any proposal now would be motivated by sex, guilt, obligation, and a duty to "do what is right." It makes the whole issue of marriage seem cheap, cold, and devoid of any love and emotion. I don't know what to do.

Please respond,
Allen

P.S. For what it is worth, we have both been married once before and are both christians who attend a church regularly.

[kronos51]

Yeah, I can definitely see how you feel. You were comfortable in your relationship the way it was, and all of a sudden she became uncomfortable with it. This would probably cause me to worry that the entire relationship she had been uncomfortable. Taking away that level of intimacy would make me feel a detached and like she doesnt want to be intimate with me anymore, and is not comfortable with me.

I would say you should talk to her about this and try to clear up your feelings. The best solution in my opinion is always talking.

[squirrley]

For whatever reasons she's decided to take a step back in the relationship. She doesnt sound like she's ready for anything. If you've already proposed twice and she's turned it down, and now she's taking another step backwards, maybe you should also evaluate the relationship. I dont think she's trying to manipulate you though, you've aleardy proposed, she's had the golden question asked, which is what some women want and or need and manipulate to get! I would throw that theory out the window. She doesnt need to manipulate you into getting anything she wants, cause it sounds like she's stepped back a few notches in the relationship.

Maybe she is genuinely wanting what's right for both of you. Starting the pre-marital counseling is a good thing. Understanding why she took sex away is another, but knowing myself as a Christian as well, we know pre-marital sex is a no no. Maybe she just found her beliefs again, and is feeling this is the way its suppose to be. I really dont know, just an idea. But you have to talk to her and let her know how you feel. Obviously youre sexually frustrated which turns into other things. If you dont talk to her, this could cause some permenant damage to your relationship. If this is someone whom you've proposed to, then you should be able to trust her to take what you say seriously and consider your feelings as well. I dont know how you can compromise "those" kinds of needs, but I'm suggesting talking to her and letting her know exactly how you feel. This is something that needs to be addressed before another proposal. But keep an open mind when discussing these things with her, she may have legit reasons in her own mind, and she must be willing to be open to you as well.

Goodluck!