I need advice from a woman

[Gogo]

I really need advice from women with relevant experience on this one:

several months ago an old girlfriend discovered me online (we live in different countries), and from word to word things got intimate. It was her initiative and I was very cautious as she is married and has a child; when I raised this I received an explanation that things with her husband are not going well, they co-exist but do not have a real relationship; we went on, things got more serious (as much as they could be online) and she came to the point of stating that she wants to be with me (it was also clear before that from questions and behaviour that she is testing this, I'm not talking about sex here but coexistence). Her husband was spying on her facebook account and found what was going on, they had an argument and reportedly decided to get divorced. Her family saw her as the guilty one, she was blamed to be not thinking about her child, and everyone tried to convince her to go back to him. She is not capable of supporting herself, she is very emotional and also very close to her family so she went back. As soon as it happened she restablished contact with me stating that this is only temporary and does not change things for her, so our online contact went on and deeper. When she found that I was planning to visit the country where she lives, she asked me to spend a week with her. Before my trip her husband spied on her again and this time they did separate for two weeks, the second of which I spend with her: it was great time and, judging by the way she behaved, including in bed, I was sure that she has confimed the seriousness of her feelings for me. I did offer her to support her and make changes in my life so that we can be together...Surprisingly (or not) she decided to go back to her husband and asked for time...we stayed in touch and I could say she was hesitating, obviously in a conflict with her feelings and her rational concern about the risks she is taking for herself and her child in case of a divorce. Eventually, I got a message that she has decided to try to repair her marriage as the father was now treating the kid better, and she could not take such a risk for the kid, she will remember the time I spend with u as the best in my life, etc...it ended up with something like "do not try to change my mind, and confuse me even more"...I tried and asked that she at least waits and sees if she can really repair her relationship (which apparently has never been very good), and also get a real sense if her feelings to me are true. We agreed to not be in contact for a while...well, it was only two days after that when she started sending messages that she cannot stop thinking about me, followed by more and more emotional statements, eventually telling me that she loves me even more now...

Ladies, what is happenning in her mind?

[vashti]

she sounds mentally unstable. I think you should consider cutting all contact.

[DoesntMatter]

You also need advice from an English teacher

[marshawna1]

if i were you i would just avoid contact with her cause obviously she is a very lost woman, she needs to find out what she wants within a relationship, i feel as that she is still in love with her husband and shes just using you as an easy exit to bypass her needing to work on her marriage or she might be bypassing the fact that she really does want to end her marriage and shes using your attention in the meanwhile, while shes deciding of how shes gonna do it, but either way if she loved you that much she would just be with you and their wouldnt be any second guessing it so, avoid her....good luck!!!

[Enigmos]

she is looking for her backup plan, i.e., you, just in case her attempt at repairing her marriage fails.

[Gogo]

might be true, it's not my mother tongue...how many languages do you speak?

[IndiReloaded]

"do not try to change my mind, and confuse me even more"

^Sounds to me she's trying to do 'the right thing' and choose her family over her own needs.

Some will call this foolish, others will call it noble. There's a case for both POVs.

Best thing you can do right now is respect her wishes & let her sort out her own mind. Whatever decisions she makes has to be for her reasons. Your involvement is an added complication that will come back to bite you later.

Married folk, esp with a family, are trouble. This should have been a no-go zone, Gogo. But, the damage done doesn't need to continue. Remember your actions are affecting a child as well who didn't ask for any of this.

[ashwood85]

It sounds like she has the best of both worlds, her family life and a man that is promising the world. She wants to leave for the greener grass, but she is staying because she is obligated one way or another, be it her child or husband.

[Gogo]

^Sounds to me she's trying to do 'the right thing' and choose her family over her own needs.

Some will call this foolish, others will call it noble. There's a case for both POVs.

Best thing you can do right now is respect her wishes & let her sort out her own mind. Whatever decisions she makes has to be for her reasons. Your involvement is an added complication that will come back to bite you later.

Married folk, esp with a family, are trouble. This should have been a no-go zone, Gogo. But, the damage done doesn't need to continue. Remember your actions are affecting a child as well who didn't ask for any of this.

Thank you for your reply. From what I have seen, I think it represents best the situation.
At times I think that she feels an obligation for her child and wants to try to save her marriage, at times that she wants to be with me (actually I have no doubt in the truthfulness of her feelings) but she is very afraid of the risks.

I have not been pushing her in any direction (as much as I love her, I do not want to spoil a child's life), and her affection for me now seems to be growing even more. I know she has to make a choice and I have made it clear a while ago that it is her choice and if she chooses me I would do my best to accommodate both her and the child's needs, including big changes and sacrifices in my life. Silly as it might sound to some...
She has actually been sharing a lot lately about her child: pictures, all sorts of details about the way he behaves, what he likes, health issues. In fact there is a lot more in yur conversations about this than about anything else.

A question that has been bugging me for a while is what is better for a child: parents that stay together but are unhappy and not attracted to each other, or separated but happy parents... I have seen examples in life pointing in both directions...What do you think? I would really appreciate your opinion.

[IndiReloaded]

What's so bad about her husband? Sounds to me like things were pretty normal (for marriage) until you came along. Marriage goes through ups and downs. There are defined stages, and the 'what was I thinking stage' is completely normal. I think, if you weren't in the picture, she would make a better effort to sort things out with her husband.

Honestly, Gogo. I think you're a homewrecker. Sorry.

Remember: if she'll do it to him, she'll do it to you. Monkey branch theory. Search here on LF if you've never heard of this.

You need to step out the picture entirely. Being her emotional tampon is NOT helping her relationship w/her husband. You are just shielding her from dealing with the the issues they have. Watch out, if she leaves him for you, it WILL be the same for you.

[Gigabitch]

She's a selfish, destructive person, a sneak and a cheat. What more do you need to know?

[jayne]

She possibly feels something for you But hello there is a child in this and if she really really wanted you then she would be with you but clearly she can't break the love for her husband. In which case end it with her. Yes this will be painful but in the long run better.

Even if she did brake up with him be sure to tell her to live as a singleton again for at least 6 months so that she can gather her thoughts and get in touch with herself again after all being a mother and wife takes away your identity and purpose.