dumped but ...

[gmcnxx]

I am 36 years old, separated for over 4 years and currently expecting my divorce being finalized in March 04. In February 2003, out of loneliness I got involved with a woman (21) from WV over the internet. She has two young kids a girl (3) and a boy (1) by two different fathers. In March of 2003 I proposed to her to fly to my place in the FL Keys for us to meet in person. I bough her plane tickets and she flew to Miami for us to meet. We made out within 30 minutes after we met. Then she stayed four more days but was all silence – very little talk. She said she misses her kids that she left with her mom back in WV. I fell in love with her. After she returned to WV we continued talking daily on the phone for many hours at a time. Also lots of e-mail. We both swore love for each other and I asked her to come and live with me. She did. Left most of everything behind, took her 2 kids and drove down using a car that I bought for her on line. But on the way down she stopped in NC to see an old boyfriend and stayed with him for two nights. When she came here she had hickeys all over and when I asked what happened she told me that she was raped by some guy she only knew as CJ. I immediately started investigations in both OH and NC. About three weeks later the investigations came back negative. I confronted her and she told me that she was raped by her ex boyfriend - a guy who is the son of her mom’s boyfriend and is himself about 43. It tore me apart but because I loved her so much I looked the other way and tried to just deal with my feelings the best I can. After she came in mid April 2003, everything was fine but soon I realized that the woman is not motivated to do anything with her life. I also was stuck cleaning after her and the two kids. I have a full time federal job and make pretty good money, but there was no time to enjoy anything because I was stuck cooking and cleaning after I came back from work. Then she became verbally mean to me and at times accused me of not spending enough time with the kids and her. Then in late May she suddenly announced to me that she wants to go back to WV to her mom because “she had things from the past that haunted her and she needed to take care of them” and that “she was not sure what she wants” and that “if she is ready she would come back to me by the 4th of July, and if not she would not ask me to wait for her.” I knew this was the end and very reluctantly agreed to drive her and her kids back to WV. So I did in early June 03. I stayed with her for a whole week hoping she would reconsider. No such luck. I left her in WV and returned to the Keys where I work. A week or so after I left, her sister kicked my “girlfriend” and her two kids out because of her antagonizing the kids. My girlfriend had no place to stay so she went and lived in a tent on her mother’s boyfriends farm. But the weather was terrible – cold and rainy for three weeks in a row. I finally talked her into giving up and coming back here in FL (as a friend) live with me for free, get a job, save money, and then go wherever her heart desires. She conceded, so I drove up and spent quite a bit of time and money moving her entire household goods via U-haul truck. Again, things were fine in the beginning. She did not want to be just a friend but a lover as well. Again things started to go downhill about a month and a half later. Discontentment, unhappiness, etc. She was spending (literally) 4 hours a day on the phone with her mom. She talked more to her then to me. In mid September, after the n-th insult and fit I gave her an ultimatum and took the keys to the car I had bought for her. She assumed I was kicking her out (she had valid reasons to think this way) but that was not the intent on my part. She walked out with her two kids and her last words to me were “I will be back for my child support.” She was 3 weeks pregnant at the time. That same night she went to the police and filed domestic abuse and child sexual molestation (on her 3 year old daughter) charges against me – needless to say all made up by her. There were big criminal investigations for the next three weeks and when authorities begun to realize that she was lying she fled the state and went back to WV. All fine, but she filed the same allegations against me in WV the day she arrived there. So I go and defend myself there as well. Then she leaves WV and goes to PA and gets section 8 and other welfare benefits there. I did not know where she was or talked to her from 12 Sep 03 to 05 Dec 03. Meanwhile she has told all her friends and relatives in WV that “the doctors had examined the child and had confirmed sexual abuse.” Her whole side of the family believes that I am the most terrible person on Earth and some even vow to kill me. Then on 05 Dec 2003 she calls me here in the Keys and tells me that “she loves me and that although she left her heart was always here.” Then she asks me if I can come and visit her over the Christmas holidays. Since I still loved the woman I promised to see her and in fact went for 8 days. I stayed in a hotel next to her section 8 apartment complex. Although we had sex, otherwise she seemed to blow me off quite a bit. I got plenty of presents for her and the kids and in fact stayed and played with the kids at her place for the Christmas eve. When I proposed to her to tell her relatives that this thing with the child abuse was made up she became very defensive and simply walked out of my hotel room. I never saw her again. I flew back to FL the next day and we resumed talking on the phone as being boyfriend/girlfriend. On 11 Jan 04 she announces to me that she wants to break up for the purpose of her being able to date other guys without feeling guilty. She also wants to stay “friends.” It’s O.K. with me except now she is in her 6-th month with my child, so I asked her if she could please refrain from having sex with other guys at least until my (our) child is born. On 26 Jan 04 she called me and said that our baby was diagnosed with kidney problems and possible spinal deformities. Also the baby had stopped moving for three days but now is moving again. I begged her to stop smoking but she does not listen. There were medical exams scheduled for 02 Feb 04 and she promises to call me and tell me what the results are. Well it is almost three weeks later and I have not gotten a call and she is not returning my voice mail. I have gotten obsessed over the idea that the baby maybe dead. When I called her relatives to get any information on the baby all I get from them is curses and threats – they all believe I sexually molested my ex’s daughter and there is no telling them otherwise. The questions I have are:
(1) What do I do with my feelings for this woman. I feel that if she walks back in I will take her because I love her despite all the mean things she has done to me. The child sexual molestation charges are capital felony and carry life in prison without parole as minimum mandatory sentence – very serious - so my mind tells me to run the other way from her as she is extremely bad news. I also have a civil action for defamation and other stuff ready to file against her but the fact that I love her more than anything stops me from doing it.
(2) How do I deal with the kid issue. Just let her have the kid and never contact her, try to be a father, try to take custody of the kid ? I don’t know.

Anybody there with similar experiences. What was the outcome?

[Innova]

First of all, she is using the hell out of you. Your heart is in the right place my friend...but she is going to drag your ass downhill, she is a VERY big threat to your life and it surroundings. However hard it may be, you have to go the other way, and do not look back.

As for the kid situation. I would either do one of two things. I would either try to be a father, or gain custody. Obviously with her being the mother, she has the advantage..but she has a bad history against her. If you just walk up and leave however...she could come back to haunt you with child support and possibly drag you in court..which is just unwanted.

I haven't had an experence like this, and lord knows I hope I never have one like this. I seriously hope everything works out, but you have to be firm as hell with this...she will run you down. Stay strong my man, and just walk forward and get your life back. Good luck.

[sfalexi]

1) This woman is a psycho. She may not have given you that impression over the internet where you met her, but throughout your relationship of only ONE YEAR total, from 'getting involved' she has filed false charges(plural!) of sexual abuse against you on account of her daughter, claimed to have been raped by her ex (which I firmly believe to be mutually wanted sex otherwise you would have seen obvious signs of a struggle such as at least a black eye, broken nail or SOMETHING to show that she tried to defend herself), not mention the fact that she lied at first saying it wasn't her ex and then 'admitted' to it being her ex. She's left and gotten together with you umpteen times. She proposed a breakup so she could see other people without feeling guilty. With two children from two fathers and a third on the way from you, I ask you, do you really think she's gonna refrain from sex? Do you even truly believe she refrained from sex while she was still 'dating' you but in another state?

2) For the sake of the child, get custody. Judging from all you've told us here, that she doesn't do any work, isn't responsible, has cheated on you (which like I said above I firmly believe was cheating with her ex), used her kids to make false accusations against you, cant' even control her OWN life by being kicked out and living in a tent for weeks, how are you going to feel if you never even TRIED to get custody of your child to have them live a better life?

Ditch the woman, you don't need that kind of woman as there are PLENTY of wonderful women in this world that are respectable, loyal, sensible and loving individuals. And for the sake of the child at least, try to gain custody of your kid. This woman is going to end up ruining your life if you stay with her. Perhaps not ruining in the sense of losing your job, but making your entire life miserable and confused. All over this "love" that you have over this woman that you've only known for a year and already has shown you that even that ONE year was hell. Do you really want a lifetime of the same emotions and complications she's given you so far?

If you DO take her back, you'll end up marrying and divorcing her and not only paying child support, but alimony as well as still not having custody of your child or control over your life. Don't take her back, take her to court in her OWN hometown so she won't be able to beg you for a place to stay while the case is going on (cause undoubtedly at this point, you'd say she could stay with you and you'll end up falling for her again and dropping the case and throwing your life into another whirlwind of madness)

When the case IS going on, don't contact her outside the courtroom. At all. No dinners, no "hanging out", no sex, no nothing. Get the child and get out of there. Then go back to finding a respectable woman to be a loving mother to that kid.

Alexi

[gmcnxx]

Thank you folks for the sincere advise. Believe me, it is very much appreciated and needed. I honestly tried to give you all the facts without coloring them so that people give an unbiased advise. Who wants to waste time telling one-sided stories that we ALL know beg one answer only – the one the telling party had in mind to begin with. You are right, the woman is a user and I have to take charge and try to get my kid away from her world because her world is not pretty. There is so much more to say on this. I again want to thank you for taking the time and telling things as you see them. It is so much more difficult to see reality from where I stand.

[Innova]

Your very welcome, just remember to be prompt. I'm glad you see what has to be done, and im very happy for you that you are trying to take such action.

Like I said, I hope everything works out in the end.