My girlfriend is married and her husband was just diagnosed with terminal cancer.

[Papote]

I have had this girlfriend for about 2 years now we only have one small problem, she is still married. We were friends for 2 years before and her husband left her. We talked a lot and she confided in me and one thing led to another and we became a couple. The husband doesn’t want to divorce her but doesn’t want to be with her either. Before we started I always made perfectly clear that I didn’t want to be the rebound guy or use me to make him jealous or whatever. I made pretty sure to know how she felt about me and him. To this day he does not know about us. Every now and then I’ve asked her about the divorce but there was always an excuse, usually the money involved. For the most part we have been fine and happy together.

Recently her husband has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. Now even her parents, which hated him for leaving her, are now feeling sorry and asking her why she doesn’t help him. She says that she wants to go and help him in his time of need but is afraid of my feelings. I really don’t know what to do. I love her, but should I let her go to back to her man? I really don’t know what to do.

[Mish]

If she really didn't like her husband she could've divorced him a long time ago.

[vashti]

How much longer till he dies? And what sort of cancer? Also, are there children between them?

Also, I disagree with mish. People who don't like each other stay married for many different reasons. Health insurance is probably a big factor for them right now.

[FullofSighs]

Yeah, but you know what, if you truly want to be a gentlemen you'll let her be with him in his time of need, even if it hurts you.

[Cbrider]

While I think this situation is fvcked 6 ways from Sunday as it is, this man is dying.

I don't care how much I hate someone or how little I think of them for whatever reason, I would never deny another human help of any kind when they are faced with death.

You need to overcome any feelings you have in this situation and step aside. She's not going back to her husband to leave you, its a man she once loved and he is preparing to say goodbye for good.

[Enigmos]

this is a terrible situation all around. the moral high ground -- if there is one in this case -- is for her to help her hubby out. however, a terminal illness doesn't necessarily equate to a hospice state. what if this terminal illness isn't so terminal? what if he makes a miraculous recovery? what if this hospice state is more than a few months? how about a few years? are you willing to wait?

there is no right or wrong answer. just yours and your GFs.

good luck.

[Mish]

How much longer till he dies? And what sort of cancer? Also, are there children between them?

Also, I disagree with mish. People who don't like each other stay married for many different reasons. Health insurance is probably a big factor for them right now.

Well, if that was more important to her than the OP all this time even before her husband's health problems then the answer to the OP's dilemma is pretty obvious I think

[vashti]

Well, if that was more important to her than the OP all this time even before her husband's health problems then the answer to the OP's dilemma is pretty obvious I think

??

not to me.

[Cbrider]

??

not to me.

I think what Mish is trying to say is that if the OP has prolonged a failed marriage instead of properly dissolving it for the sake of health insurance or some other benefit, that her intentions were not in the OPs best interest from the get go.

I have to agree with Mish, marriage should never be used as a means to obtain or sustain something if the marriage portion of it has collapsed.

[IndiReloaded]

The OP says that the husband left HER. So, assuming there aren't kids involved, she doesn't owe him much. Would he be there for her if the situation was reversed?

Regardless, a good person would try to help. He is still her husband. Esp if the cancer is something rapid, I would think it might be decent to help him. Seems cold-hearted to divorce a dying man.

I don't think she should go back to having sexual relations or anything. But perhaps coming by as a friend to help out isn't that over the top. Exes on good terms with each other (yes, it happens) help each other.

Depends on the personalities involved, really.

[Papote]

The mayor reason she hasn’t made the divorce (since he doesn’t want it) is the health insurance. She has told me that he would keep her on it. The other reason is the cost of the divorce, being she is on minimum wage and he isn’t willing to pay a penny. The guy is filing for bankruptcy and recently said ok to the divorce so it wouldn’t affect her, so she actually started making the divorce arrangements, slowly though and painfully, but now he figured that if he makes an Affidavits or something she can be exonerated. So now he told her: “What’s the rush for the divorce?” Knowing her she is going to hold out.

I never wanted to hurt the guy or anything. Since the beginning I never wanted him to know about us. We have kept our relationship pretty much under wraps. Even to her parents they still think we are very good friends. When I first found out that he had cancer the first thing to cross my mind was that this was it for our relationship. She will end up falling for him again. For some reason people who have death close are apparently liberated from all their bad deeds. I know it is sad that he got cancer. In HER time of need he left HER. No, there aren’t any children involved. Everybody says that his prognosis isn’t good, but haven’t herd any “time left”.

So what do I do? I sit back and watch how they’ll probably rekindle their relationship and consummate. I have considered breaking up with her, but the problem is that I still love her and she says she loves me. In the beginning I told her that I would be there for her, but I don’t know how much of this I can take.

[vashti]

I agree with indi - they've gone this long without divorcing, so what's the hurry all of a sudden? It seems cruel to add divorce to the list of things a dying man must contend with.

As for staying together out of need (health insurace, money, etc.), you guys are crazy. This happens all the time. Our system is set up to benefit married people, and so people stay married when they need to. Other people DON'T marry for entirely practical reasons. That is the reality of it all.

Of course, others stay married out of laziness, etc.

[Mish]

Her husband left her two years ago, she got a new partner, but for two years she didn't think about divorcing her husband because of health insurance?


It doesn't sound to me like she's as close to the OP as OP thinks she is.

[IndiReloaded]

What she should do is get paperwork stating they have been legally separated for 2 years, or whatever.

Unless the accumulated debt is shared (co-signed loans, joint credit cards, etc) then she is not responsible for his debt, so his bankruptcy won't affect her. But I'm not a lawyer, so she should check the laws in your state. Here's a website that may help:

[url]http://www.hoyes.com/bankruptcy-affects-spouse.htm[/url]

As for why she never divorced; sounds to me she can't afford it. If he left her (why? there's a story not being told--men almost never leave women) then chances are she simply can't afford the $5000 for a divorce. Yes, one can do it for less, but it has to be uncontested and one needs to be saavy enough to do the paperwork oneself. Doubtful someone making min wage would be able to do this.

While I don't personally agree, I can see why, esp in the US she might not be in a hurry to divorce. If she is getting benefit (health insurance, which sounds like she can't afford) and its a marriage in name-only, why not? Mbe she feels like he owes it to her for running out on their marriage? Who knows? But, like Vash said, there are all kinds of reasons folks stay married long after the marriage has ended.

[Papote]

What she should do is get paperwork stating they have been legally separated for 2 years, or whatever.

That's what he is saying now that he will do.

We live in the US and health insurance and Divorce cost a lot of money that they don't really have.

I trust her and have talked about how she feels about him and she says that she doesn't have the same love as before. She does love him but as a friend, not as a husband or lover. I just fear that when she goes to him and sees him in that state she'll will start feeling pity and sadness and remember all the good times they had and have something happen. I don't know how long this will last, maybe even years. Heck he might have a miracle and be cancer free, then what?