B/F is incredibly selfish...so confused...

[PrettyPerson]

Hey all,

To the kind peoples who actually read this and respond, thank you in advance. I've never sought advice online for a relationship, so obviously I've reached my breaking point.

Anyhoo, here's my situation in a nutshell. Rather than just list my grievances item-by-item, I'll try and give a short, fair rundown in hopes that someone can give me some good advice.

B/F and I have been together for 3 years this X-mas. I just had a baby, I'm 32 my first child, his second. Lately, my B/F has been staying late after work and kicking it with some Haitian girl. He told me about her, and that he's been to her house on lunchbreaks, etc. Last week he claimed that her carkeys were locked out of her car and he helped her to get a locksmith, etc. He came home 3 hours after he'd gotten off.

Anyhow, let me be as clear as I can about our relationship. It's not open, but we're fairly open-minded. In other words, I don't mind innocent flirting, etc. But recently, on Halloween when my b/f went out he came home with a phone number in his pocket, which of course I found doing laundry, and called. The girl on the other line was friendly, I was blunt saying I was a nosy g/f and women needed to look after each other, etc. She told me he had been in the club talking to many, many girls and when she and he had danced, he tried to kiss her on the dance-floor. This is not acceptable.

It seems the chemistry between the two of us has died. There could be many reasons for this, I just had a baby. But overall, I'm not interested in sex with him anymore, it's dull and lame and I think I've let him go on too long being selfish, so much so that sex is a chore I don't really feel like bothering with. Having said that, I'm a VERY sexual person, so this has created an issue for both of us, as he is too.

It seems that now he's looking for attention elsewhere, and I'm fixing to go in the same direction. I love him, but I realize I'm not here to save him. He plays video games about 5 hours per day, and works 8 hours a day, so as you can imagine there's really no time for baby and I in his mind. Does no housework, no cooking, no laundry. Just works and plays the ****ing video game.

I've talked about all of these things until I'm blue in the face, but he's obstinate and slow to change. As for me, I've tried dressing up nice, having a serious talk about sex, the Haitian girl, etc. He confessed he's kissed someone else since we've been together but won't say who. I'm sick of the selfishness, but I won't walk away until I'm sure I've done everything in my power to make it work, for all of our sakes. I'm to the point where I just want to kick him out so he can learn to appreciate what he had.

HELP! Any advice and/or questions leading up to advice are welcome, I am an open, anonymous, internet book.

Thanks all,

P

[PrettyPerson]

Help! !

[PrettyPerson]

Okay so here's some more information....

We don't go out together, maybe a movie once every few months, but no more going out and having drinks together, which used to be fun and get us revved up for each other. Lately though, he prefers to go by himself. He usually comes home when the bar closes. This happened about twice per week until our financial situation recently changed, it's been once a monthish since then.

Since I had a recent talk to him, I can tell he's tried to be more affectionate, with the occasional hug, etc. He tries to have sex, but I'm so bored of it I'm SO put off by his laziness in bed. I don't want sex until I get some kinda romance. I've been having fantasies and dreams about other men.

As much as I've explained about how the video game is not important compared to his daughter and his LIFE, he still spends around 6 hours a day playing WoW. If I want to spend time with him, I usually wind up sitting watching him playing that ****ing game. We used to play alot of games together, board games, video games etc. Now he just sticks to his WoW while I watch the baby. When I leave her with him to go work out etc, he ****ing lets her sit and cry while he plays that goddamned game. I want to lambaste him in his ****ing face, as it makes me feel like a poor mother when I just want an hour to shop or work out. I really can't stand this, if nothing else, this will be the terminal cause for our relationship. It's bad enough I've been neglected because WoW is so ****ing important, I'll be ****ing damned if my daughter suffers over a stupid juvenile video game.

Looking back, I can't even BELIEVE I've let things get this out of hand, I want to be with him, but certainly not as things stand. He was a better person when we met and I want that guy back again. What can you all recommend me to try to change his behavior, and/or barring that - how should I go about getting away? Kick him out, leave with the baby, I don't know. Financially, it would be difficult for us to both make it on our own.

Sigh....sorry for the temper tantrum. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

[lilly1185]

Hold up, he has another baby out there? Does he help out with either of his children?

Heads up; avoid guys who have kids. Really. I know this isn't true for all, but short run down; My son's father has three different kids by three different women. He was 16 the first time, and the baby got put up for adoption.

At nineteen he'd had a little boy, and left that girl for me, who had his latest child. At 20, he was 3 times a daddy.
4 months after our son was born, I had to find a job because we were living with his family and he couldn't find the motivation to work.
Then I left him the first time to strike out on my own. His mom watched our son at night while I worked 3rd shift, and I would stay up all day napping when the baby napped before I had to go to work.
He came around wanting to fix things and fed me a spiel I believed.
A year later, I'm in a different state with MY parents trying to get through school, and couldn't be happier with my decision.
He's still trying to use the same speech to win me back over (why I'll never know...).
Ditch him. If he's already acting suspicious it's only a matter of time before you're just another woman in the line-up. Get it together because you and your baby are better than that.
And don't fall for any sweet "I'll do better next time, baby." bs.
Cause that's all it is.

[PrettyPerson]

He has a son, and yes he sends money and gifts, but they are in another state so he doesn't see him often. As for being a good father, he is a hard worker and a good provider, the issue is the way he selfishly spends his time when he's at home.

Thanks for the advice.

[Jaylei]

It's hard to tell someone just to up and dump his ass (which is EXACTLY what I'd do!) if it weren't for the child involved.

Maybe you need to sit him down (or corner him in the kitchen, whatever) and tell him "I AM going to leave you if you do not make a serious effort with me to fix things.." I honestly don't think couples therapy would be a bad idea for you guys, (okay, its almost imperative) but it wouldn't even be worth bothering with except for the baby.

Bottom line is: he really needs to grow the hell up and learn how to confront and deal with his problems, not simply escape them by getting on world of warcraft or getting his attention from coworkers... and tell him the next time he lets that baby cry while he's playing video games you're going to soak that console in hot water. lol

[Jaylei]

And if you just feel like being mean and not trying to be cordial, you can also let him know that you're 32 years old and no grown ass respectable woman is going to get turned on by a lazy, video gaming, teenager-wannabe who can't even act like a real father half the time... That won't give him any warm fuzzies, but hell, sometimes you just gotta tell the truth! lol

[PrettyPerson]

Yeah, I'm really to the point of no return. He's gonna be like some of the other men on this forum, waiting too late to change and then becoming pathetically desperate.

Why is it that when a woman is done, she's DONE?

I say it's because by the time she decides she's done, she's tried everything in the book to save the relationship. So finally, when she crosses the line into the final "**** you" zone, there's just no going back no matter what a guy does.

[Chupacabras]

...But overall, I'm not interested in sex with him anymore, it's dull and lame and I think I've let him go on too long being selfish, so much so that sex is a chore I don't really feel like bothering with....

I doubt he's the only problem here... doesn't sound like it to me, anyways.

When you lose interest in a man sexually, he'll know it and most would rather just jack it then deal with the shame and frustration he must be feeling. Quit throwing pussy at your man and he's going to contemplate straying, or at the very least turn back to his bachelor ways.

[PrettyPerson]

If a man can't bother with the foreplay, why should a woman bother with the sex?

[Chupacabras]

If a man can't bother with the foreplay, why should a woman bother with the sex?

That kind of thinking is a recipe for failure.

[PrettyPerson]

So is six hours on a video game, and then crawling into bed thinking you're going to get some.

[Gigabitch]

How old is this guy?

[girl68]

You're both at fault for the pathetic sex life.

You never did make him work for it, he now thinks that he doesn't have to becasue he never did. He on the hand is a selfish, lazy lover... nothing is more of a turn off than that.

[PrettyPerson]

You're spot on. I do blame myself for letting him off easy in bed so many times, because now he thinks that's okay. And yeah, I'm SO turned off by his laziness in bed that I can't even bother with lingerie etc. Tired of being the only one to try. What else can I say?

He is 31 and regressing quickly.