I'd love a female perspective

[J_in_NY]

I’d love to get a female perspective on my situation. I think my friends would be tempted to tell me what they think I want to hear, so I think you folks would be more impartial. I realize how cliché this is all about to sound. Sorry that this will be long, but for me to accept the advice here to be meaningful, I think you need the relevant background info. Thanks in advance for those of you that make it all the way through and give me your thoughts.

I dated an Australian girl for two years (6 years ago), the longest relationship for either of us before or since. Amazing relationship, incredible girl, we stopped dating for a number of reasons, one of which was that we weren’t sure that we both wanted the same things for the future, although we always remained on great terms and we’ve been the best and closest of friends ever since, speaking a few times each week for years. We’ve seen a lot of each other since we broke up and have been inseparable when we’re together. Since we’ve been unable to really be “together” since we split, I’ve been telling myself that I don’t feel the same way I used to, but deep down, if I’m being honest, I’m still in love.

In late ’07 I really came to the decision that I don’t want to be away from her anymore and I was intent on moving back to Australia permanently and trying to make it work. (My job makes it easy for me to work anywhere in the world). I have many very close friends there and would have no problem spending the rest of my life in Oz, even if it was in one of the smaller cities there. I would even be in favor of going to Africa and doing some volunteer work with her for a year or two if that’s what she wanted. I know I’d be happier there with her than anywhere else without her.

She doesn’t really know how I feel but we were planning a trip together in June ’08 so I figured that would be a good time to discuss this face to face when we were traveling. I have a very good feeling that she would want to give this a try as we have had such an incredible relationship and I’m confident that we could work something out where we’d both be happier together than we ever could be apart.

Well the trip fell apart and didn’t happen (we decided to push back the trip to later in the year), so I suggested that I’d visit her in Australia for a couple weeks instead. I’m sure she thought I just wanted to have a holiday, but my true intentions were much greater. With her working, she didn’t want me to come right now if she wouldn’t have much time to spend with me so we decided it would be a waste for me to go there now and we’d try to travel together again later in the year. At that time, I probably should have just told her how I feel, but she was ridiculously busy with work and I didn’t want to make her life any more complicated than it had to be right then.

I think she is unaware I want to get back together with her. She has hinted in the past that I wanted a certain “type” of wife, but I’ve never wanted her to be anything that she is not. I like her just the way she is. We like so many of the same things, she’s brilliant, funny, beautiful, and we complement one another perfectly.

So I think you can guess where this is going. She has just met another guy recently (who currently lives in a completely different country). She met him well after our travel plans already fell apart. They’ve only spent about 3 or 4 days together ever but they’ve been talking and decided he’s gonna move to Australia and they’re gonna live together (fast, huh?).

So here I am, I feel like I’m in that stereotypical situation. I think I shouldn’t say anything, I really want her to be happy more than anything, although I have a very good feeling we’d be happier together. At the same time, I feel a bit like, if I don’t say anything now, I could wind up regretting it for the rest of my life. If I’m going to say anything, I have to do it now, I certainly wouldn’t wait until the new guy moves to Oz for a few months and then drop this on her, that wouldn’t be fair at all. Although saying anything right now is probably not fair either. So I’m leaning toward saying nothing and seeing what happens. I just have a bad feeling in my gut. When she and I first got together things got very intense very quickly and I feel like this is the same thing happening with her new relationship.

It’s not like I’ve had any trouble finding dates, including recently. Great girls, but I always compare them to her, and despite dating many girls before her and many after, I’ve never met anyone that is close to her equal. We’re an amazing team and I know that we can accomplish anything together.

At just over 30 years old, I’ve had an incredible life so far and have been just amazingly lucky in almost every way. This really feels like the first crossroads I’ve ever come to where I can sense the gravity of my decision. To say something or not? Both roads could have scary consequences, but saying nothing could be worse.

As you can tell, I’m leaning toward saying nothing and seeing how things work out with her new boyfriend when he arrives in Australia. Of course, if they split up, I wouldn’t hesitate for an instant to tell her how I feel. It sounds like she is pretty happy right now and I don’t want to screw that up. She means more to me than anyone else in the world.

[misombra]

that is very fast. are you sure they haven't known each other longer? she was hesitating a little bit.

but i think you should tell her. why not? you have nothing to lose.

[shh!]

I think you should tell her something like this:

I'm going to wait 4 months for you to come to your senses and give him the boot, and then we can get married.

[J_in_NY]

Thanks very much for your replies. I really appreciate you taking the time. Still can't believe I came to an anonymous website for relationship advice.

I've lost a lot of sleep struggling with what to do this past week. I've decided that now is not the time for me to add any stress or complications to her life. I want her to be happy over anything else. Although I do believe we belong together and are meant to be together, I had plenty of chances to tell her how I feel and now would not be the right time. It just wouldn't be fair to her to do this now when she is happy and things seem to be going well for her.

It's a big risk and one that I really hope I don't regret. I've been offered the chance to work overseas (although not in Australia) for a few months starting next month, so hopefully that experience will distract me a bit. Certainly I would give up this overseas opportunity in a heartbeat to go to Oz and be with her, if I thought that were possible.

[starbuck]

Thanks very much for your replies. I really appreciate you taking the time. Still can't believe I came to an anonymous website for relationship advice.

I've lost a lot of sleep struggling with what to do this past week. I've decided that now is not the time for me to add any stress or complications to her life. I want her to be happy over anything else. Although I do believe we belong together and are meant to be together, I had plenty of chances to tell her how I feel and now would not be the right time. It just wouldn't be fair to her to do this now when she is happy and things seem to be going well for her.

It's a big risk and one that I really hope I don't regret. I've been offered the chance to work overseas (although not in Australia) for a few months starting next month, so hopefully that experience will distract me a bit. Certainly I would give up this overseas opportunity in a heartbeat to go to Oz and be with her, if I thought that were possible.

I'm not sure how telling her how you feel would complicate things for her or cause her unhappiness in any way. She either would feel the same way as you or have moved on.