I need a female perspective

[DADGAD]

My girlfriend of almost 3 years has told me she needs some space - but wait. It's not what it sounds like (I don't think?).

Let me give you a little short background. My girlfriend went abroad second semester and came home for the summer (we're both almost 21 years old). She didn't see her college friends for 7-8 months. While she was gone, they kind of went on with their own lives. When my girlfriend returned to college, she realized that her friends were acting kind of distant. They were going out and not inviting her and acting a bit shady. At first, she kind of shrugged it off and thought it would pass over time. This weekend, however, she finally broke down. She said that her situation with her friends is causing her to second guess everything in her life.

Last night she called me balling. I could barely understand what she was saying through the crying. She said that she's extremely confused, sad, and lonely. Her friends acting weird has caused her to doubt all of her relationships, including ours. She said that she's scared because she can't be alone. She needs me and it scares her that she's never really been without me (for 3 years, at least). This has never been an issue, but all the sudden she is freaking out because she thinks that she can't be without me.

I tried to explain to her that I need her just as much. When you're in a relationship for as long as we have been in, the couple needs each other. I tried to explain that you can't worry about if something bad were to happen and she were to be alone. I told her that if she were to for some reason leave my life down the road, I would be in complete disarray and would struggle immensly without her (it's true). However, I told her that it's pointless to wonder about "what if something bad happens." Married couples don't sit around and wonder what would happen if they suddenly weren't with each other. I explained that thinking like that is like not wanting to get into a car because you could get into an accident that could kill you. If everyone worried about what could happen, nothing would get accomplished.

Still, after trying to talk her through her thoughts, she didn't budge. She remained balling and saying that she's just so confused, sad, and lonely and just needs space to figure everything out. She said that if I love her and want there to be a future, I need to give her this space. She said she needs to isolate herself from everything and get help. After a long time of trying to talk to her, I finally gave in and decided to give her the space.

I know that a lot of times people say that when a girl needs space, it's over. However, I don't think that's the case here. Something else (her situation with her friends) has caused her to doubt her other relationships. Our relationship has been perfect up until two days ago when she started tlaking like this. She even mentioned how wonderful our relationship has been going.

She told me that she loved me on the phone before I gave her her space, and she told me that she loves me so much in an Email response I sent last night. She says that she just really needs space to fix her life and that she'll talk to me when she's ready. She's coming to my brother's wedding on the 26th of September, so the longest we'll likely go without talking is until then. However, it could easily happen before then, too.

My question is, what do I do? I think it's obvious that I need to just give her her space. I've never heard her this distraught before. I really don't think this is a situation where she's trying to move on, either. I think she's just extremely lost in life right now and needs to be alone. However, it's hard not being able to help her, and I don't get why if she's sad and lonely that she wants space from someone that loves her so much. It's all come on so sudden.

Sorry that's a lot to throw in one post. I guess I'm just looking for some overall thoughts and opinions? I haven't been able to function all day. I haven't been hungry, I fell asleep in class today, and I can't concentrate on my homework. Any advice or opinions help.

I can post more information if needed. Thanks so much.

[Lovestinks]

Yeah ive been through that before but in your situation you are the innocent bystander that had nothing to do with it and she made that clear to you so hopefully you can find peace of mind iN that aspect. But i understand that it hurts to see a loved one go through this pain and they want to cope with it alone.

In my past experiences i just give the girl some time alone but dont leave her alone too olong or she will start to think you dont care. So check up on her from time to time to
cheer her up but dont over do it and smother her.. Remind her that you are here for her and that if there is any thing you can do to help her, you will be there for her.

I wish you the best of luck.

[DADGAD]

Hi, everyone.

Just a quick question. I know I need to give her space until she comes home in 2 1/2 weeks. But, if after a week or so she still hasn't contacted me, is it a bad or good idea to just send her a quick E-mail reminding her that I'm here for her? Nothing more, nothing less. I know that breaks the whole, "give her space" thing, but I don't want her to forget I'm here during such a rough moment in her life.

[misombra]

i don't know dadgad. it sounds like she is sad about the separation, but wants to be free. growing apart and all that.

i'm sorry, i doubt you wanted to hear that.

[vashti]

I think you should put a time limit on how long you are willing to hang around waiting.

[DADGAD]

Well, she'll be home in 2 1/2 weeks and says she'll talk to me then. That's the longest we'll have to go. I appreciate all of your comments.

Misombra-I have a difficult time believing that this is because she wants free. Maybe I'm just in the denial phase. But, our relationship was going perfect up until 3 days ago. She even mentioned that. It's her friends relationships that has caused this confusion in her life. I don't know, it's all very confusing.

[DADGAD]

A long update if any of you want to hear about it:

The weekend where my girlfriend came home has come and passed. The night before she came home, I felt extremely optimistic. She asked me to pick her up from the airport, and said yes when I asked her if she wanted to stay at my apartment for a night when she came home. After picking her up and talking about the situation, she said that when she leaves on Monday we were going to be done. She said that she couldn't be with me, and that she would pay me back for my plane tickets that I bought to visit her in October.

Well, as the weekend progressed we spent late nights talking about the situation in person. It was my brother's wedding, and so we spent time with each other at the rehearsal dinner, the wedding, reception, etc. She spent the night at my apartment as well. Our plan was to just enjoy the time together, and then figure everything out when she left. She even met a lot of my family from out of town, which was huge for me.

Sunday night, the night before she leaves, we're in her room. She said that this weekend has proven to her every reason why she wants to be with me. We're at her place lying in her bed, and she tells me that she loves me. She told me that I have no reason to be scared. As you can see, the weekend ended up having a huge impact on her (as I thought it would). I think being home and being with me made her realize how much she enjoys the relationship. I left her house feeling extremely confident in us.


Fast forward to tonight. When she left home and went back to school, she returned to her sad, lonely phase. We decided to talk on the phone. We talked Monday through today. Everything seemed to be going well, I thought. We had a good weekend and now we were talking on the phone again. But tonight, I asked her what was wrong. She said that she's just confused, and that the whole situation with us is still really confusing her. She said that she's doubting us and doubting our future. Basically, she's gone back to everything she was saying before she came home.

I'm a bit shocked. I was worried about setting myself up for disappointment. I was worried that she would go back to school and go right back to where she was before she came home. I let myself get confident, and it's now turning against me. Everything we achieved over the weekend seems to have faded from her and doesn't really impact her anymore.

I'm just tired. I'm tired of getting my hopes up only to have them taken away. I'm tired of thinking about the situation allll day and trying to figure out what's going to happen. I'm tired of feeling wanted, but then feeling completely unwanted. My girlfriend is obviously extremely confused and having a difficult time in her life. I'm starting to wonder if I just don't fit into her life right now.

I'm not sure what's going to happen next, but I just thought I'd send an update incase anyone wanted to read. We're going to talk on the phone tomorrow, but I don't know what the plan is. I'm going to tell her that the ball is in court. I can't do anything or say anything to magically heal this. She's going through hell, and it's her time to call the shots. I'll do whatever I can to help her out, and if that's giving her more space, I'll suck up and do it.

[SummersLove]

Sorry to hear you are having problems.
Immediately after reading your first post, about her needing space so suddenly, I thought that she was having second thoughts about the relationship.
I just wanted to message you to let you know that you're not alone in this and now matter how hard it may seem. It all turns out in the end.
Just remember to keep your head up and take care of yourself if things dont turn out the way you would have hoped. I believe that everything happens for a reason. And everything is a learning experience. Whatever happens you will grow from it and become a stronger person.
I hope your phone call went well and things are going better for you.
Take care and keep us posted.
Summer