Thread addressing old one posted long ago

[Incognito]

Ok this is mainly directed at one person who revisited an old thread of mine. Anyway....

-Yes she did know that I was a virgin before we got married
-She had one partner before me
-Yes we discussed sex beforehand, but not in depth
-I suspected that he first child was conceived in a rape scenario, asked her, she denied it
-I agree that pity sex is unacceptable and a definite turn OFF
-I proposed because I was thoroughly in love, but any man would be lying if he said he wasn't looking forward to the sexual aspect too
-I really don't care about the sexual situation anymore anyway, I just purchased another few high end toys to substitute
-I accept the truth that things probably won't get better
-She rarely even gives pity sex because I don't "ask" for it as much anymore

[Incognito]

In response to the other thread:

Yes I allowed "him" to die, and for my own good/sanity. "Him" dying laid the brickwork for the wall that now keeps me guarded.

[Incognito]

I response to the other other thread:

My schedule is pretty ordinary. I go to work, get home, work out, dinner/tv, bed. Wash rinse repeat. Yes, we see each other daily. There are very few gaps in when we see each other (I wish there were more). I always tell where I'm going, unless there was an argument. If there was an argument I switch off and leave.

[SelflessnHumble]

Well I had just finished working out on Wednesday and I came out of the bedroom. I started talking to my wife about how I can't wait for consistent warm weather so that I can tan and do a full body shave. I ended my statement with "I'm gonna be sexy". Without addressing anything else I had said she immediately said "who are you trying to look sexy for?". I was not expecting that question. I wanted to jump down her throat and say "well obviously not you, since you don't give a rat's ass", but I contained myself and simply said "for myself". There was a little more conversation about it which went the same way.

A woman can be VERY emotionally irrational.
ON one end we have the sexless little vixen not putting out...BUT GOD FOBRID that YOU wish to
look sexy not just for yourself but to FEEL wanted by someone other than her!!!!! Watch out!!!
Now we see the jealousy of someone not willing to put forth the effort BUT who expects all of
the benefits of a sexual relationship!

On Thursday morning after I had only been at work for about 2 hours I get a text message. I wanted to post the whole thing here, but I accidentally erased it. Anyway the basic gist was her stating that she was aware that we hadn't had sex in two months, and that "it needs to change". She went further to say that I didn't need to respond to the message, that she was only "letting me know", and that "she didn't expect anything to change because I don't care".

This textbook "I can't own up to my lack of sexuality towards my husband BUT it's YOUR fault anyway."
You're not persistent enough, you didn't try to MAKE me F you, hard enough! K.
She doesn't like the shift in the relationship but has no issue putting in on you when it hits home: meaning:

(she views hugging, kissing, and everything else as important displays of affection: sans sex)
Now that you've taken away what SHE expected: now she's pissed. 2 wrongs don't make it right, though.

I called her after about 20 minutes, and she didn't want to talk about it at first and she seemed a bit defensive. I kept my cool until she started with the tried "it's always my fault" talk (speaking of herself). No, I didn't totally 'lose it', but I didn't sugar coat my statements either. She said "so you expect for there to be no holding hands, kissing, hugging....and expect me to just jump in the bed every night?". Of course I said, "no" because that would be unfair to ask that of any woman (or man).

Truth: when someone says "It's always my fault" (and it usually is the woman) it usually means
you made too much ****ing sense and that her emotional bullshit cannot compete with reason and logic!
Worse: is that some women expect men to apologize even when the woman IS wrong (because SHE is)

She's got weird expectations of you while not adhering to yours, then uses self afflicted emotional distress
to punish YOU for it...This kind of woman sucks to be with bro...Worse: is that she is unwilling to drop her ego.
She's violated her sworn oath(s) she made to you at that altar in exchange for saving face and avoiding
accountability.

I admitted that I don't do those things anymore and the reasons, which are as follows:
I lost almost all love for her over a period of three years and finally left her
Once we were back together I told her to get out three times before she actually changed her ways
After things began to normalize I tried to regain the lost love by hugging, kissing, and touching whenever I thought about it, but was rebuffed most of the time
I stopped touching her legs and ass because she blew up about it, she said I was objectifying her
I stopped hugging her because she always just stood there while I hugged her, and then she'd say "are we done?"
I stopped kissing her because of all of the above
We don't hold hands anymore because I don't want to. I don't feel that emotional connection anymore.

Make no mistake: hugging, kissing, touching do NOT need sex in order to function.
I think this is her point, although her going about it has been heavily flawed. Still, you took someone back
endlessly even though they weren't willing to address the issues at hand. Getting back together
after you have also allowed the relationship to die means you two shouldn't be together.

If you had tried to make an effort to do what she wanted you to do: AND SHE REJECTED those advances?
THIS should have been addressed the 2nd or 3rd time it happened! She again: broker her vows and again
wanted you back for reasons other than because she loved you! This isn't right.

If the both of you don't have a physical relationship (not meaning just sex) the both of you
allowed this to happen: even if she didn't ever once try to enjoy sex with you...see that?

If the emotional connection is gone: the love is gone too, bro.
I don't think SHE knows what love is...

Her only defense was when she said "Well what do you expect if you do those things randomly after a long time? It is awkward." (she was specifically speaking of my efforts to try to rekindle our relationship by hugging, kissing, and touching whenever I thought about it).

COP OUT dude.
Affection from a man they love, admire, respect and honor would feel privileged to have been
approached with affirmation of their love for one another. It isn't awkward: SHE has an issue with intimacy dude.

She killed him.

You: allowed him to die bro.
She may have done much to have you feel unwanted: but from all the posts I've read about this issue
you failed to address the issues in a loving, patiently and understanding manner and you also failed
to follow up with your concerns once she never intended to make good on her "promises" which came up on Empty.

I honestly don't care nearly as much anymore, and I don't forsee that changing because every time I used to open up we'd start getting into fights again (presumably because she viewed my avoidance of conflict and total willingness to compromise as weakness and an opportunity to reassert her dominance). Since I don't care as much we seem to not fight as much, presumably because she knows that it won't phase me. Nowadays I simply end all arguments when they start and go do something that I want to do to occupy my time

There is no purpose to be in this marriage any longer. The initiative has been gone long ago.
What is keeping you two together?

It was equally frustrating that she claimed that I never try to address this issue when I have. I explained this and told her both instances that I brought it up, and the fact that she said "I'll change" or "I'll do better" each time (and then failed to do so). She criticized me for not bringing it up more often, saying that issues don't get solved by bring them up once or twice. So I told her that I wasn't going to "hound her for sex" if she didn't really want to do it. I also said that her failure to do any "changing" has prompted me to simply accept a sexless marriage because there isn't much else I can do. What I thought, but didn't say, was that if its a problem that she has to work on.....well she needs to work on it, without constant reminding from me.

This kind of person has to be right, or else she proudly proclaims "it's all my fault" when in fact
she says it out of spite of her disdain for your legitimate concerns she cannot possibly address without outing
herself as a liar and a fraud. She needs to work on her bullshit, and as the other party: you too must be willing to
support her. She is lost, has issues and wants you to conform to being the perfect man in how you approach her
in order to elicit a satisfactory response due to her internal issues: she's NEVER had to face: til now.

I don't like this kind of person and I don't surround myself with people like this.
They DRAIN your life...You deserve infinitely better than this kind of emotional vampire who only cares
because you've taken away something she truly cares about: not what YOU care(d) about.

[SelflessnHumble]

The relationship is all but over: both of you (for unknown fears) unable to verbally say what is physically written all over your faces.
I think you should write everything down, and then have her read it. What is your schedules like? Do you see each other daily, have you always?

Are there gaps in seeing one another? Do you go out regardless of telling her with who and when? Does she?
Why stay married?

[Incognito]

Addendum to post#3:

No she doesn't really go out at all, although I have tried to get her out by offering to pay for a dinner with her and her friend. If I had to guess I'd say she goes out a few times a year by herself or with only her and her daughter.

I go out by myself, but it is usually only on a Saturday to go paintballing. I asked if she'd go in the past, but she has no interest.

[curly1118]

Are you guys separated now?

If not, why aren't you?

[SelflessnHumble]

Ok this is mainly directed at one person who revisited an old thread of mine. Anyway....

-Yes she did know that I was a virgin before we got married
-She had one partner before me
-Yes we discussed sex beforehand, but not in depth
-I suspected that he first child was conceived in a rape scenario, asked her, she denied it
-I agree that pity sex is unacceptable and a definite turn OFF
-I proposed because I was thoroughly in love, but any man would be lying if he said he wasn't looking forward to the sexual aspect too
-I really don't care about the sexual situation anymore anyway, I just purchased another few high end toys to substitute
-I accept the truth that things probably won't get better
-She rarely even gives pity sex because I don't "ask" for it as much anymore

Not discussing sex in depth is no excuse for this type of thing to go on...
You didn't know: you didn't ask: she didn't feel compelled to say...A perfect shitstorm for cataclysmic doom.
If you don't know: how do you find out? If she doesn't tell you: did you know what you were getting into? Nope.

When did you suspect she was raped? THIS is a huge deal breaker for sexual intimacy in ANY relationship!
It's not that it's her fault, far from it...but it takes a Godly amount of patience to see this through. It's almost as if
she is taking it out on you because you like sex: as does a rapist (in her eyes) ???

I have actually entertained thoughts of taking all of my money and just going to another country to start over. My big brain tells me that I can't outrun my problems though, so here I sit.

Dude, facing your problems doesn't = running away from them!

If: you sit down with her: and address everything, apologize for all of your errors (no matter if she reciprocates the same)
AND, she still has issues with intimacy: you just got royally phucked out of what a marriage, seriously committed relationship is supposed to be about.

You haven't answered so I will ask yet again: WHY are you still married to a woman
who doesn't love you: you don't love her...???

[Incognito]

That is something I have stated in numerous threads, and would rather answer in a PM at this point.

[SelflessnHumble]

That is something I have stated in numerous threads, and would rather answer in a PM at this point.

I will just say: Spirituality supersedes *